Desperate and hoping someone could help, I decided to take her to the emergency room, where after several hours they prescribed a pedia-enema, that I was to administer by myself at home. That's frustrating and ridiculous on many levels, because first and foremost, when we checked in the nurse at the front desk asked me if I'd tried giving Adriana an enema, I said, "No. Is that what I should do?" The nurse suddenly became very quiet, replying, "Oh. I don't know. I--" and trailed off, moving on to the next question. Clearly that is what I should have done, since that's what the Doctor's Assistant (yes, I only saw an assistant) ultimately suggested, but because medical professionals seem to dispense advice based in a fear of malpractice lawsuits, (my ex) was forced to pay $60 out of pocket on a $400 bill (for a $2 product). I could have Googled parental poopinions for free, which is why so many people spend so much time on WebMD. Do we really want an entire nation of individuals who are convinced thanks to self-diagnosis that they're suffering from Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis? (A spelling disorder second only to Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.)
Here it is, the Winter Jam from CKC, TMC and Beena Steena, shot and directed by Anya Garrett! Feeling depressed since the groundhog saw his shadow? Spend the next six weeks of winter cranking this and you'll be fine.
Taking good photos of live performance is a tricky thing, especially if your subject likes to dance around making weird faces that tend to exaggerate the fleshy area around her jawline. (Ahem.) That being a given, I'm always happy when I see a flattering shot of myself captured during a stand-up set, and I think this is a lovely one by Greg Gilbert of Aemiessence Fine Arts from the November 13th Living Room Comedy show in Park Slope. The show is run by newlyweds Abbi Crutchfield and Luke Thayer, who happen to have had their engagement photos done by Greg as well. You can see those here, if you like. Such a handsome couple!
Last week the official nominees were announced for this year's ECNY Awards, and I'm happy to say that my music video with Tom McCaffrey, Mara Herron and Anya Garrett, DAMN (You Wish), is in the running for Best Short Comedic Film! I'd love for you to give it your vote at the link below!
Voting is simple. No need to register or vote everyday. Before March 3, simply vote once per email address and then click the link sent to your email to confirm your vote. That's it! It would be great if you also voted for the flyer designed by Anya Garrett for my solo show Brown Ambition in the Outstanding Achievement in Flyer or Postcard Design field.
THANK YOU FOR YOUR SUPPORT!
Look for CKC, TMC and Beena Steena in some serious red carpet wear at the ceremony!
It was Shakespeare in Twelfth Night who penned the line, "Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon 'em."
Others just consistently brush up against greatness by accident. Like me. First Elizabeth Gilbert and then... John Malkovich. Two weeks ago today, he and I shared a moment.
I'm sorry. Did I just say I shared a moment with John Malkovich? I meant that I saw John Malkovich in a cafe, but knowing John Malkovich (like I now do), I can tell you that no one just *sees* John Malkovich. When you lock eyes with JOHN MUTHERF*CKING MALKOVICH, you share a MOMENT, okay?!
Let me preface my Malkovich tale by saying that my dalliance with the Universe is unfolding in some pretty bizarre and incredible ways. The day before I met John, I ran into someone on the train - the V train - and no one takes the V train. I don't even know why I was on the V train. But I saw a guy I knew. And I know I knew him, because he knew me, and he said my name. He said it in a way I don't think I've ever heard anyone say my name, as if my mere presence changed his whole morning. And I have no idea who he is. We recognized each other, hugged, and then I realized I'd gotten off at the wrong stop! So I got back on the train. Who are you, mystery man? A friend of a friend? A fellow former high school brass player? (You look like a low brass player. Trombone probably. Tuba possibly, but baritone more likely.) Did we temp together? Do you read this blog? WHO ARE YOU?
But, anyway... back to the matter at hand. So there I was, enjoying the morning on [redacted so as not to blow his cover] Street in NYC, ordering a latte, mindlessly turning my face toward the sun streaming through the plate glass window. Suddenly I notice the man sitting in front of the window. He looks familiar. "That's John Malkovich," I thought. But no, it couldn't be! John Malkovich, right there? Right in front of me? I searched him a bit longer to see if I could recognize the eyes and mouth beneath the white brow and beard. It was him! As soon as I'd surely identified him, I felt my heart in my throat. What does one do in the presence of John Malkovich? Bow? Kiss his ring? Ask to visit the 7 1/2th floor? I wasn't sure. I waited for a sign.
He started eyeing me. He was doing that thing that actors do, trying to decode my backstory. Or maybe he thought he knew me. At any rate, he seemed intrigued. I must admit, even I'm intrigued by myself when I walk out into the world in pajamas and last night's eyeliner. I just can't stop staring at myself in the reflection of store windows thinking, "Damn, girl! You are living your life!" (Back in '07, with a lack of irony that was never lost on me, I'd clomp from my apartment in Weehawken, NJ in said charming state of disarray over to the Pathmark to see if my celebrity fashion commentary had made it into the most recent issue of Life & Style. Stars: they're just like us! Or rather, we're just like them.)
When I felt our eyes lock, I knew it was time to avert my gaze. Making intense eye contact with Malkovich is like looking into the sun: it shouldn't be done. And if you do it, you best know you're playing with fire. Instead I began talking to the counter girl, complimenting her on her necklace. I added sugar to my coffee and then began my exit. On the way out, passing gently by his table, I nodded ever so feebly, offering a small, closed-lip smile. In my mind, I felt like a geisha, winking discreetly at an important and secret client. In reality, I probably looked like an idiot savant with a facial tick. Nevertheless, I felt Malkovich's fairy dust all over me. I was spent, as if we'd just finished making love on the set of Les Liaisons Dangereuses.
Let me not neglect to mention that he was sporting the absolutely gayest shirt I've ever seen. Because I think that's a very important piece of the puzzle. And apparently, he thinks puzzle pieces are important, too, because his chemise bore a similar motif. It was a silky button-down covered in what appeared to be red, orange and green puzzle pieces. It looked like early 2000's Pucci crossed with an MC Escher painting. If memory serves, the shapes may have been melting, Dali-style, just for effect. It was a dazzling display of "Darling, I don't give a f*ck."
Just about an hour after I left Malkovich, I fell in the train. Not ON the train, not whilst riding the train, but rather IN the train, or more specifically in the crack between the door and the platform, known in more proper British circles as THE GAP. (Yes, it is apparently possible although highly ridiculous to fall in THE GAP. No, I know it's not probable. Yes, it hurt. No, it's not the same as falling into THE GAP that sells khakis, though that is their slogan.) The point is, a man rescued me. (And after my divorce, I didn't think that was possible or probable, either.) Who was he, you ask? What did he look like? I don't know. Because I DIDN'T EVEN SAY THANK YOU. I was too much in shock. I didn't even look at his face. All I know is that I exited the train doors wearing a makeshift haz-mat suit while passing out handiwipes brandishing the Comix comedy club logo, and suddenly I was knee deep in THE GAP. Then as time stood still I heard a man say, "HOLY F*CK!" and felt his hands in my armpits, lifting me out of the crater I'd landed in. I limped away laughing at myself and he got on the train. You know, just another Friday in New York.
So, to you, kind Sir, guardian angel of the MTA, I say THANK YOU. Thank you for saving the lower half of my left leg from total and utter destruction. And thank you for saving all the passengers on the 2 express from being late for work due to a sick passenger. ("Do you know why the train is late?" "Sick passenger." "Man, F*ck that." "Dude, she lost a limb!" "I don't care, I'ma lose my job! Be careful next time, fat bitch!") Thank you.
Despite the near tragedy of my fall, my brief encounter with Malkovich gave me the energy I needed to destroy a heckler - during someone else's set - later that night. He was a musician that I swiftly put into place with a John Mayer comparison. (Because John Mayer is an annoyingly cloying musician who loves to heckle at NYC comedy shows*.) The lovely and talented Jiwon Lee continued her performance after the heckler left and said, "Wow. For those of you who don't know, Carolyn is a comedian. And she can rap. You should teach high school in The Bronx!"
I'll take that as a compliment and leave you with this thought:
Why hasn't anyone made a Michelle Pfeiffer mash-up of Dangerous Liaisons/Dangerous Minds? Now, that's GREATNESS!
*For those of you not involved in the scene, this is a true fact and not conjecture or hyperbole. Ya learn somethin' new everyday, as my Dad used to say.
SPLURGE! at Happy Ending is a brand-new monthly comedy showcase featuring stand-up and musical comedy from New York's most exciting talent. Every month will bring the premiere of a new short comedic film, and each show will close with host Carolyn Castiglia's hilarious signature freestyle rap.
Featuring:
ROB CANTRELL (Marijuana-Logues, Last Comic Standing)
HARI KONDABOLU (Live at Gotham, Jimmy Kimmel Live)
ANDREA ROSEN (Michael and Michael Have Issues, Stella)
BARON VAUGHN (Live at Gotham, Black Dynamite)
LIZZ WINSTEAD (Creator of The Daily Show)
Musical Guest: JESSICA DELFINO (Montreal Just for Laughs Festival)
Plus the premiere of my newest music video S.A.D. with Tom McCaffrey (Premium Blend) and Mara Herron (Maury), shot by Anya Garrett (Comedy Central's "Honesty" web series).
***
Saturday, February 6 at 8 pm Fundraiser for Love146 Camp Friendship Community Building 339 8th Street, Park Slope, Brooklyn
I'll be auctioning off a freestyle about the highest bidder! Love146 is a charity that is working to end child sex slavery and exploitation.
I had the good fortune of attending the 2009 Edinburgh Fringe Festival (click here for all my E-burgh blog posts), thanks to Skinny Bitch Jesus Meeting and Peter Buckley Hill (2009 recipient of the Edinburgh Comedy Awards Panel Prize).
Three Weeks said, "Carolyn Castiglia was the funniest female comedian I've seen at the Fringe." London production company Brown Eyed Boy (Kim Noble Will Die, How Not To Live Your Life on BBC3) chose me as one of the 14 edgiest International stand-ups to film for their pilot, Laughter Shock Worldwide.
My solo show BROWN AMBITION ran Aug. 8-29, 2009 as part of PBH's Free Fringe.
"There are few performers candid enough to admit to the bigotry they grew up with, the criminals they have dated and the toilet brushes their toddlers have gnawed on. Even fewer have the guts to put it in a rap song. And there is only one who will go that extra mile to share it while sweating, jumping, belting operatically and shouting in an African accent. Luckily for New York, Carolyn Castiglia does not know any other way.
Like her stand-up, the show is fast-paced, refreshingly brazen and soulfully ambitious."
Carolyn Castiglia is a stand-up comedian, writer and hip-hop superstar. You may have seen her on Comedy Central's Atom TV, NBC's Last Comic Standing, Nick-at-Nite's Funniest Mom in America 3, The Maury Show, ABC World News with Charles Gibson and heard her on Sirius/XM Radio. She is best known for her appearances on VH1/ego trip's The White Rapper Show and Miss Rap Supreme as the lovable and hilarious Miss CKC. Her funny freestyle has won her numerous championship titles at The BEATdown, a monthly showcase at New York's UCB Theatre.
Carolyn's voice has been heard by millions on YouTube in the Key of Awesome parody of Lady Gaga's Telephone (as Beyonce) and Bieber Fever (as Justin Bieber). KOA's Telephone parody has received over 7 million hits and was featured in two issues of Entertainment Weeky. Her music videos "Lemme See" and "DAMN (You Wish)" both hit number one in 23 countries on YouTube Comedy, and her video "Less Money, Mo Problems" with Tom McCaffrey has aired on Comedy Central. "DAMN (You Wish)" was nominated for an ECNY Award in the Best Short Comedic Film category.
Her solo show BROWN AMBITION premiered at Ars Nova theatre in February 2009. It went on to run Off-Broadway at 59E59 and played for a month at the 2009 Edinburgh Fringe Festival. While in Edinburgh, Carolyn was chosen by London-based production company Brown Eyed Boy to film "Laughtershock Worldwide," a television pilot featuring "edgy" stand-ups from around the globe. Three Weeks said, "Carolyn Castiglia was the funniest female comedian I've seen at the fringe." Other festivals and tours include LAFF (2010), NC Comedy Arts Festival (2010), ImprovBoston Women in Comedy Festival (2009), The Hysterical Festival (2008), Obama Girls of Comedy Tour (2008) and the New York Underground Comedy Festival (2004, 2005, 2006).
Carolyn's jokes have been printed in over 50 issues of Life & Style magazine in the Style Slip-Ups section as well as the book, "The Idiot’s Guide to Jokes." Her writing has been featured in Time Out New York (Joke of the Week), the New York Post’s, "KILLER JOKES," and on MarieClaire.com. She recently joined the staff at Babble and contributes to The Huffington Post and The Apiary, the premiere website about comedy in NYC.
For three years she hosted and co-produced the weekly showcase Chicks and Giggles (featured in the New Yorker, New York Times and BUST Magazine), which enjoyed a very successful run at Mo Pitkin’s and Ochi’s Lounge at Comix. Carolyn is enormously proud to be one of the subjects of the documentary PERFORM, a permanent installation at the Museum of the City of New York.
Acting appearances include Darlene in Anathemaville at the Gene Frankel theatre, Hillary Clinton in American Oligopoly and Hera in Sex Myths, both at the NY Fringe, Rizzo in Grease at LaComedia in Ohio, Louise in Joking Apart and The Beggar Woman in Sweeney Todd, both at Theatre on the Hill in Maryland. In 2001, like many Americans, Carolyn sought to serve her country, and thus went on tour as the title character in the children's musical Pippi Longstocking, presented by AFT.
