The Widow and The Divorcee, Ep. 547

Actual conversation I had with my mother after she found a link on Facebook to this article in the New York Post, wherein I talk about having been involved in a threesome.

Widow: What is a menage-a-trois?

Divorcee: If you don't know, I don't want to tell you.

Widow: Oh, I know.

Divorcee: I knew you'd read that article. I come up all the time in your feed. You have like 10 friends and I'm very active on Facebook.

Widow: Yeah, but I hid you.

Divorcee: What?! You HID me?! You have 10 Facebook friends and you hid your daughter???

Widow: Well, you take up too much space. So did you really do that while you were married?

Divorcee: Yes.

Widow: Carolyn, you let your husband have sex with someone else?!

Divorcee: No. No. They did not have intercourse. Although I sort of wish they did because I would have divorced him sooner.

Widow: Who was it?

Divorcee: I can't say.

Widow: Why?

Divorcee: Because I won't.

Widow: Because I know him? Her?

Divorcee: The subject is closed.

Widow: So it was just an idea that you had that didn't really pan out.

Divorcee: Well, I think that's pretty clearly implied in my quote. But I also had another one in high school the first time I got high, if that's any consolation.

Fin

45for45 Challenge: Days 24-26

I took Monday off. I just felt really tired and busy and blah blah blah. It does feel better to workout after a day off, though, so yesterday was great. Today I was sore going through the poses, but also the discipline of daily practice makes balancing easier for sure. Not only did I do two perfect half-moon poses, I also did two perfect dancer poses.

Yep, that's me, standing at the foot of the ocean in my living room.

I think I'm gonna add up all the days I've taken off (I wanna say 5 so far? But it's probably more like 7... oops) and add them on to the end of the challenge. The challenge after the challenge will be not only to keep the exercise going, but to step it up a notch. Oh, hip-hop class at NYSC, I hear you call my name and it feels like home. Just like a prayer (pose). YOGA JOKES!

45for45 Challenge: Days 21-23

Yoga, yoga, yoga! Adriana did yoga with me yesterday, and she was ace at it, of course. If you follow my blog, you know she's a natural talent when it comes to dance, so it's no surprise that she'd be able to pick up yoga instantly. She's a major help, too, because I can't get into a full bow pose unless she hands me my left ankle.

Lemme see you do it!

I'm proud to announce that today I did two perfect half-moon poses, one on each side. I held them as long as Eva does on the DVD and didn't even so much as wobble. Psyched!

Without getting too much into the emotional side of things, I'll say that there is one moment on the DVD when Eva talks about feeling like a superhero flying through the air to save someone, and every time she says that I think about how I'm saving myself.

Namaste.

45for45 Challenge: Days 17-20

I fell off the wagon this week a bit. I was babysitting and taking care of friends and performing non-stop and traveling, what can I say? Today is Day 20 and I just did yoga and it was brilliant. It's kind of nice to rest and then see what your body can do when it's fully recovered. Just a thought.

This is a picture of me taken about 10 days ago or so in (a way over-extended) half-moon pose.



I had to use the 10 second timer on my camera to make this happen, so I got a little excited.

I'm going to bed.

Life is around you and in you.

Namaste.

45for45 Update! Days 11-16

Things have been a bit hectic the past few days, but I thought I'd let you know that I have been pretty steadfast in my exercise regime. Day 11 I did yoga, Days 12 and 13 were consumed with travel and performance so I was remiss in working out, but Days 14 and 15 I came back strong with yoga and walking, respectively, and today (Day 16) I participated in the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention's Out of the Darkness Walk. I took a few pictures that I'll include in my next post, but suffice it to say, it was a moving, if brief, experience. I'll try to catch up on the hour and a half of exercise I missed - we'll see how things go. I'm only a third finished with this challenge, and I have definitely noticed a difference in my energy level, mood and overall shape. Proof that even a day's worth of good decisions can make a big impact on your life!

45for45 Challenge: Days 8-10

Saturday, October 10 - DAY 8: Almost skipped. So glad I didn't. My niece was here for a sleepover, so after the childrenz went to bed, I yoga'd up. Arms were very sore, but my balancing poses were the best yet. The girls got some exercise in, too:



http://www.flickr.com/photos/carolyncastiglia/4001547940/

Sunday, October 11 - DAY 9: Tried this goofy Country Line Dance DVD. "These moves just may wrangle you up a cowboy!" So much for women's lib! It felt great to have to follow choreography again, tho. I did the warm-up and the first dance, but the second dance (was it the Barnyard Boogie?) was a little harder and will require some practice, so I decided to power walk the rest of my time out. Had to take a day off from yoga because my arms were killing me! Several family members at Adriana's birthday party asked where my ass went, which is ridiculous, because it was right there in front of them waiting for cake.

Monday, October 12 - DAY 10: I'm almost 1/4 done with this challenge! The first 10 days have flown by pretty easily. I'm really enjoying feeling awake and fit. Not that I feel fit, cuz sometimes I just feel fat, but I certainly feel a lot more engaged than I did 2 weeks ago. NEWS FLASH: Exercise is good for you! It makes you feel healthy! Wow. Why hasn't anyone mentioned this before?

I think I'll go back to yoga today, and maybe try to learn the Barnyard Boogie. I'll see if Adriana can take a picture of me in half-moon pose! We'll see what happens...

The Widow and The Divorcee, Ep. 632

Divorcee: Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize.

Widow: I saw that.

Divorcee: It's crazy, right?

Widow: Well, he certainly isn't deserving. Who chooses the winner?

Divorcee: The committee.

Widow: Who's on the committee? The NAACP?

Divorcee: You're so racist. I can't believe you just said that.

Widow: I'm not racist. But you know who is? The NAACP.

45for45 Challenge: Days 6 and 7

I wasn't able to workout til 10 o'clock last night and was too tired to blog about it afterwards. I hate the term "workout," by the way. It feels like it only applies to going to the gym, and only to people whose spandex pants are riding too far up their crotch. But saying "I wasn't able to do yoga til 10 o'clock" makes me sound like a total pussy. (Either way, there's too much pussy involved.)

I actually liked working out late, because I felt like I was really releasing all the cares of the day, and yesterday was pretty stressful. Adriana threw a monster tantrum that ebbed and flowed in intensity, but overall lasted for hours. I'm not sure why she was so cranky yesterday - I think going to school without a nap is just too much for her. She has said on more than one occasion, "I think we should take a nap at school." God love her, as my mother would say.

I'm not sure if it's because I was stressed or if this is all part of releasing my muscle memory (blah blah) but I went to bed so angry last night that as I lay there falling asleep, I had a vision of myself in Warrior Pose just kind of tremoring, like the Hulk, getting bigger and angrier by the second. Instead of panicking I just let it ride out, and eventually the vision exploded and the anger subsided. (Um, orgasm allegory, anyone? Also, why am I being this honest? I have no idea. But it feels like the right thing to do.) People do search and stumble on each other's blogs, and if there's some poor soul out there Googling "divorce, yoga, comedy, motherhood, white rap," well, they'll be lead here and hopefully feel better about themselves after reading about how shitty I've felt. Ha.

But I want to talk about tremoring again for a minute, because today as I worked through all the poses I felt very weak - I mean, very. The kind of weak where all your muscles tremble and you feel like you might throw up. That's probably because I haven't done yoga in 10 years and decided it would be a good idea to do it seven days in a row - but, hey, no pain, no gain and all that.

On (my yoga teacher) Eva's blog, she talks about studying Alexander Technique, and the last time I did yoga was part of the Voice and Movement class I took in college, during which we also studied Alexander Technique. One of our assignments for the class was to write a paper on various other Voice and Movement techniques being taught, and so I chose to cover Fitzmaurice Technique, which starts with "Tremorwork," or the Destructuring of the body and breath. It's similar to yoga in that different positions are used to force the muscles to shake (tremor), but it differs in that there's no spiritual element. Eva doesn't talk about the spiritual aspect of yoga on this DVD, but she doesn't have to. I think the practice of yoga, in simply being truly mindful of your alignment in the poses, effortlessly and automatically leads you to stretch and bend your soul. In stretching and bending your body to the point of tremor, you remember things, maybe painful things that are stored deep within you. But by tremoring, you're shaking them out.

I am shaking them out.

Or, as Rogers and Hammerstein once so charmingly put it:



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PNl5p-TpGPU

Bridging the Racial Divide, One Gchat at a Time

WARNING! This contains swears! (Of course it does. I was talking with a black man.)

Chat between my friend Elon James White and I. You can catch him live-streaming his Blackness today at 2pm EST. "Blacking it Up Live" - http://twib.me/biu

Elon: yo

me: yo muthafucker
how you livin?

Elon: uncomfortably as usual
are you home

me: yes
what up?

Elon: are you with child?

me: no
ha
bitch you did not just ask me if i was pregnant
i am doing yogfa dammit!

Elon: like with child

me: YOGFA!
haha - i know

Elon: your child
lol
do you have skype?

me: i don't
i'm so sorry
i gots no camera

Elon: how do you talk on your computer?

me: i don't

Elon: i thought youve done that in the past

me: mark had one on his mac
lost it in the divorce

Elon: ah

me: only thing i was sad about

Elon: DAMN DIVORCE

me: why, you need me to check some shit for your show?

Elon: Was gonna have u sub for someone

me: oh - on your live stream thing!
that would be sweet
but some of us are actual ghetto and shit
boogie

Elon: ha
g-voice-chat is ghetto

me: i don't even have a mic, son

Elon: well FOR THE FUTURE
you should have one son.
just in case
i got on CNN cause i had one

me: i know
i need to get a mac
i'ma have to fuck a rich dude

Elon: not a mac
just a headset

me: i see
still
rich dude fucking required

Elon: no you should still go fuck a rich dude

me: hahaha - exactly

Elon: no one is saying you should be above fucking the rich dude
im just saying you could just fuck a dude with stable income
read: non-comedian

me: um
i would never fuck a comedian
i don't even masturbate

Elon: you SAY that

me: that's how committed i am to that

Elon: comedy is incestuous
drunken nights
at a club

me: well i'm certainly not gonna fuck any comics that are related to me

Elon: then a bar
then you wake up with hacky jokes in your bed
or youre in their bed

me: hacky jokes transmit HIV

Elon: or there was no bed and there was a bathroom
YOU JUST DONT KNOW

me: WHY ARE YOU CURSING ME?
what did i tell you onstage that time?
i will cut off your dick!
hahaha
WHEN THE REVOLUTION COMES

45for45 Challenge: Day 5

I want to design a t-shirt that says:

Yoga makes me feel like a badassana!

Every day I get better at the poses: doing them, holding them longer, lifting a little higher. And unlike other workouts, after doing yoga I feel how I've used muscles in every part of my body. Turns out, you don't have to do cardio and lift weights: yoga is both at the same time. I mean, I do miss hip-hop cardio class at NYSC... but it has been ages and the bitches in that class were fierce when I was 24. How hard would it be for me to keep up now?! I smell a video...

Anyway, doing this yoga workout 5 days in a row has really put me back in touch with my "instrument," which is such a barfy word, and something no self-respecting comic would talk about having or using. But given that I have so much classical training in acting, voice and dance, I'm realizing how valuable it is to open up your rib cage and take a truly deep breath, even if you're only singing in the shower.

Also, I love when Eva says, "Tadasana!" (Mountain pose.) It makes me feel like I did something magical.

45for45 Challenge: Day 4

I'm in love! With a girl. Her name is Eva Barash. She's my yoga teacher, and she's the nicest lady in the world. She makes my face light up when she talks about my "glorious arm" and she makes me feel like I matter when she tells me to thank myself for practicing today. She's really pretty, too. I hope I can be like her someday.

Yes, I feel like a pre-schooler in love with her first teacher. And I may as well be. Who'd've thunk a frigging yoga DVD would be changing mylife? Um, I did this today:

That may come as no surprise to those of you who knew me in college (Rebekah) when I was a proper dancer, but 10 years later and it's a lot harder than it looks. So what did you all do today? Be sure to check in! Keep up the good work! NAMASTE, mutherf*ckers!

Bitches, I have been ready.

I can't help but feel a tad bitter about Glamour magazine's new "beautiful at every size" mantra, spawned by the rave reviews they got from men and women alike when they included this picture of model Lizzi Miller in their September issue:

Yes, she's gorgeous. Yes, she has a tummy. But, um, also: a) she's nude and b) she's obviously, like most "plus-sized" models, a tall drink of, if not water, whole milk. Of course people responded positively to this image. It's sexy! It radiates confidence. (Which is, duh, sexy.) But let's face it - printing pictures of tall naked girls, even if they are a size 14, is not exactly groundbreaking feminism in action. Let's not forget that Glamour exists to play on its readers insecurities so its advertisers can sell its readers a bevy of beauty products. It's just that now they're inviting fat girls to the party. And why not? Big girls have money, too!

Showing images of "real women" in its pages is in Glamour's best interest, because it just opens up their subscriber base. Glamour's target market has always been (somewhat affluent) 18 to 34-year-old women in metropolitan areas. Sure, they occasionally run "Be fabulous at 40!" features, but 45-year-old Irene Jones in Des Moines is not buying Dolce & Gabbana, and Conde Nast knows it. Even in Manhattan, the 35 and older set is a bit beyond Glamour's reach. (Perhaps by then it's time to move on to Vogue, or Vanity Fair, if you're a thinker.) I remember sitting in the waiting room at my OBGYN when I was 8 months pregnant, reading a copy of Glamour I'd brought with me to the appointment. When the doctor came out to get me, she said, "You still read Glamour? Oh, God. That'll change soon enough." Like any indignant young girl, I thought, "But I'm still gonna be cool after I have a baby." For the first year, maybe. But two years of pre-school and a divorce later, I'm here to say, I know exactly what you mean, doc.

What is not in Glamour's best interest, however, is telling "real women," or un-real women for that matter, that they are whole, beautiful people in their natural state, sans hair products, makeup and clothing. Glamour sells hair products, makeup and clothing. The entire magazine is advertainment/infotising. I don't necessarily have a problem with that, I just hate to see a wolf in sheep's clothing. Glamour's self-congratulatory attitude about the whole thing is just a bit much. It's like the skinny, perfect, popular girl who feels like a humanitarian for inviting the dorky, chubby girl to her sleepover. "Ugly girl at the sleepover, check. Next stop, world peace!"

That being said, I did buy the November issue, "in support of the cause." The attached article has some interesting quotes in it, including this one by assistant editor Margarita Bertsos.

"Being told that I must occupy Barbie proportions in order to be beautiful is definitely not what motivated me to lose weight. In fact, those beliefs are what kept me obese for so many years. It's when I made the shift toward self-acceptance that I finally found the motivation to lose weight."

Now, before visions of Mo'Nique start filling your brain, let me say I am not against thin women, nor being fit. If you follow my blog, you know that I just started a 45for45 challenge, during which I will exercise 45 minutes a day for 45 consecutive days. The idea of being truly strong again is really exciting to me. But I have no desire to be "skinny." I never have. I delight in being curvy, which is why Glamour's sudden acceptance of Rubenesque broads rubs me the wrong way. Three years ago, I was fired from Glamour's Would You Dare shoot for being too fat. So just like the nerdy girl at the sleepover, I'll eat your popcorn, Glamour, but I'll never forget the time you pushed me in the hallway at school.

45for45 Challenge: Days 1-3

Okay, okay... you remember my 30for30 challenge. It was sort of a bust in the exercise department (my pals Anne Altman and Anya Garrett did much better than I), but it did get me to quit smoking! And get in control of my divorce-induced booze habit. Well, now I'm doing 45for45. You heard me! 45 minutes of exercise a day for 45 days. Not sure if I'll blog it everyday, but I will probably update daily on Facebook.

I've been flirting with the idea of 45for45 for a week or so now, and it just kind of happened inadvertently. My awesome friend Mandy Stadtmiller gave me this yoga DVD, and I turned it on Saturday after not having done yoga in 10 years. After doing it I felt like a champ. Yoga'd up yesterday, too (with my 58-year-old mother!) and feel addicted. (Speaking of addictions, this time I'm not gonna give up the sauce. After all, I'll be thirsty after 45 minutes of glorious sweating.)

Okay - today is Day 3 and off I go! Wish me luck!

p.s. - Looks like my college pal Rebekah Henderson will join me! Whee! Let's do this.