DIY or DIE!

I've had some very cool luck with people sending me homemade stuff via the Internet. Last year, in the midst of the election, I was given an amazing pair of earrings with Barack's face on them and a heart-shaped resin necklace with my initials on it that are envied by many. This summer, I've gotten two delightful gifts from DIY-ers: one an old friend who just started her own ETSY store, and another by a new friend I found on Flickr.

Jen Scanlin, an old comedy pal who has since moved on to bigger and better things, opened up a shop on ETSY called SmorgasMorgan (currently on hiatus while she travels in Europe). The life! Hopefully there will be pictures of us together in Edinburgh soon! Her shop is filled with not only handmade items, but handmade items sewn out of kitschy, funny, hip cloth that Jen has personally designed. Case in point: the Swine Flu pouch she sent me, which will hold all my Airborne, Vitamin C and Dramamine on the plane.



Is that bacon? Oh yes, that's bacon. Be jealous, Jim Gaffigan.



It's so nice to get something in the mail that's not all wrapped in PLASTIC!



I'm all set to travel! No worries here....... (And yes, the mask graphic is of the artist herself.) Who says pandemics can't be fun?!

***

Back in May, when I was trying to get my life back on track by working out and quitting smoking and drinking, I mentioned having dumped various and sundry bottles over Corona over my head through the years as a form of stress relief. (You should try it, it works!) Now, if you're saying to yourself, "Hey Castiglia, that's alcohol abuse!," never fear: the good people at The Bath Project have a luscious bar of soap made with Corona in it! They saw my post and sent me a sample, and I can tell you, showering with Corona soap will cure any hangover. They also sent me their Ice Cream Party Stick, which is an incredibly rich Shea lotion that smells like childhood dreams. Adriana loves it.

Thanks so much for the gifts, ladies! Be sure to shop ETSY the next time you're looking for a fun, quality, affordable craft. Handmade things mean so much more.

Drunk

I want to be so drunk that I start saying things like, "It's not even about that!" Cuz that's how I feel right now. Like no matter what you could say to me, I would reply with, "It's not even about that!"

For example, you could say, "Global Warming is about the Earth's temperature rising-" and I'd say, "IT'S NOT EVEN ABOUT THAT!"

Or you could say, "Your cold was caused by Rhinovirus, the spread of which can be prevented by hand wash-" and I'd say, "IT'S NOT EVEN ABOUT THAT!"

You might even try, "Carolyn, you're just going through a phase and you need to let some shit go-" and I'd say, "IT'S NOT EVEN ABOUT THAT!"

And then I'd puke on your shoes.

Cuz it's not about that, is it?

When we feel misunderstood, be it by one person or the whole world, it's not about the explanation they offer you. It's not about why things are fucked up, but just about the fact that they ARE fucked up. When you find yourself helpless to change a dynamic, be it in a long-term relationship, a marriage or a passing conversation in a car, sometimes you just have to accept that, and say to yourself, "It's not even about that."

The question then becomes, what is it about? And I'm pretty sure the answer to that lies at the bottom of this glass.

Cheers.

Mattel is Racist!

Like any modern metropolitan parent, I had planned (before she was born) that the only toys my daughter should play with would be handpainted wooden objects from third world countries purchased in boutiques dedicated to eliminating childhood hunger. But that idealized version of Adriana's toy chest quickly dissolved when I entered the real world, as she did, and the first thing I gave her for pacification was plastic - that toy of toys, the binky.

So it makes perfect sense then, at age 3, that Adriana's world is now chock full of plastic - from Dora to Disney Princesses and finally these days, the doll who is both plastic inside and out: Barbie.

Adriana loves Barbie's big boobs, her high heels, and most importantly her pink "mip gloss." She has two Barbie dolls, both hand-me-downs from my 11-year-old niece, one black and one white. (They may not be made of wood, but they will represent more than the white American idealized version of beauty, dammit!) Black Barbie came to us wearing a gown with a witchy Halloween motif, which in and of itself was not offensive, just strange. White Barbie, who we were told is a doctor, came to us in a purple tank dress, because after all, doctors have to have fun on the weekends, too!

Black Barbie and White Barbie have a lot in common, and on the outside look pretty much the same. They both sport expertly applied eyeshadow, charming earrings and a winning smile. But, as Shakira once sang, underneath their clothes is an endless story..........

Black Barbie has a white crotch.

White Barbie has a white crotch, too, that matches her skin tone. But Black Barbie has - is that - oh hell naw, Mattel did not make Black Barbie wear underwear, did they?

Oh yes, they did.

Mattel is Racist! from CarolynCastiglia on Vimeo.

Be Kind Rewind

I'm trying to clean out my inbox and take care of any remaining random business this week before I go to muthafucking SCOTLAND for a month (what?!) and I came across a message about a movie I made with some friends last year at Deitch Projects. Ya see, Michel Gondry built a series of sets inside this giant space on Wooster Street and gave everyone who signed up a chance to make a movie in honor of his film, Be Kind Rewind. He's since published a book about it, titled, "You'll Like This Movie Because You're In It: The Be Kind Rewind Protocol."

Apparently, our film is mentioned in the book! From Michele Colyn, who put our group together:

I JUST bought (the book) and the mention of our film I've found is, "Certain unique title and genre combinations practically wrote the storyline for the group. For instance, what would be the plot of the horror noir Black Candy 5000, the documentary musical Something's Coming: Don't Look West Side Story, or the comedy thriller The '86 Mets Find The Pirate and Win the Lotto?"

Okay, our title was actually "Something's Coming: Don't Look West, Side Story" (the added comma is very important) and it was indeed a musical docu-comedy about a high school presenting West Side Story. (I was Maria - finally!) If I recall correctly, people took pictures, but I don't know who has them.

Um.... Michel Gondry knows who I am. That's all I'm saying. Fully expect me starring in the new movie version of West Side opposite Jack Black, pronto.

Jack and I at the premiere in the future. (This photo has not been Photoshopped... obviously. It's MS Paint.)

The Widow and The Divorcee, Episode 693

The sentimental cheesecake eating episode. Exterior: lanai. We see The Widow and The Divorcee dressed in matching silk caftans replete with head scarf. The Baby is wearing a matching mini-caftan and playing nearby as the action unfolds.

The Divorcee: (taking a drag of a cigarette) You know, the kind of love I'm looking for, the kind that can outlast an apocalypse, it doesn't exist.

The Widow: Yes it does. (turns head dramatically so we see her profile) In the female heart. But men are different. (takes a bite of cheesecake) They don't have the emotional depth for that. (takes another bite of cheesecake) Men like your father, and he was perfect, they don't love like that. (picks up piece of cheesecake, shoves it in her mouth) They provide. That's how they love. (wipes cheesecake off chin)

The Divorcee: Well, that's fine. (puts cigarette out in remaining cheesecake) That's what I mean. As long as you have someone who will fight the wolves for food when the big grey ship sails up the ice on 5th Avenue like in The Day After Tomorrow, you're fine.

The Widow: Exactly. And your father would do that.

The Divorcee: You know the wolves are imaginary, right?

The Widow: Yes. Your father would fight the imaginary wolves.

***

I think I know who my new boyfriend is:



p.s. - My mother said, "As an added punchline, your father would have fought those imaginary wolves, and he would have won."

My interview with character actor Brent Rose is up on The Apiary!

I was introduced to Brent's work by my old friend Kristen Kos and fell in love with him immediately. Brent is super funny, but doesn't worry about shoving that in your face - he just does what is commonly known in theatre schools as "the actor's work." If you haven't heard of him (and come on, you haven't) check out my very comprehensive interview with him on The Apiary about his project 50 Characters in 50 Weeks. And enjoy his most recent (all-musical!) video, episode 15, Me and My Penis Pump.

Quotable Quotes

I've noticed over the past few days that Adriana's speech and vocabulary is rapidly getting ever more articulate and mature, so I thought it was time to chronicle some quotes of hers that I've written down on scraps of paper over the past few months. They're not necessarily in any context, which is how most of them were probably originally said.

***

"I'm not dawdlin', I'm dilly-dallying!"

{Re: ice cream and cake} "When I have this it makes me feel HAPPY!"

"Salmon means nice fish in Spanish." - April 1, 2009 (Perhaps a clever April Fools joke?)

"Can you float on a boat or in a boat?" (Anyone have the correct answer? Jen?) Underneath that I wrote ATE ALL THE CRUST. Those of you with children appreciate what an achievement that is.

***

Bathtime convo, during shampooing phase:

Adriana: Guess what I'm doin'?

Me: What?

Adriana: Makin' a fudgie out of my hair.

Me: Oh really?

Adriana: It's just a pretend fudgie that you can't eat. It's a sculpture.

***

Shouted whilst pretending she was a tween pop star:

"Hannah Montana has to go poop! Sorry. Just kiddin'. Just a fart."

***

THE WIDOW AND THE DIVORCEE, EPISODE 69:

The Widow: Grandma's just watchin' the weather, then she's gonna go outside and mow the lawn.

The Baby (to The Divorcee): Are you gonna go with her?

The Divorcee: Nah, I'm gonna stay inside and drink.

***

THE WIDOW AND THE DIVORCEE, EPISODE 74:

The Baby (to The Divorcee): Hey, you're so fat.

The Widow: Hey, listen. I told you, ladies are not fat. And you better pay attention because this will apply to you someday. What you see is what you get. Ladies are voluptuous.

FOLLOW UP! Said today, July 8, 2009.

The Baby (to The Divorcee): You know, you used to be fat, but you're not fat anymore.

Also, "Is that chewing gum? I wish it was swallow gum."

***

THE WIDOW AND THE DIVORCEE, EPISODE 129:

The Divorcee: Tell Grandma about Mulan.

The Baby: She's brave.

The Divorcee: Why?

The Baby: Because she lives in China.

The Divorcee: And she's a...? Warrior.

The Baby: She's a worrier.

The Divorcee: Warrior.

The Baby: Worrier.

The Divorcee: No, honey. That's a movie about Mommy.

This is why women with children are crazy:

Be a better parent, but cut yourself some slack. Expect your partner to be a better Dad, but only when you help him achieve that goal. Giggle at how naughty it is to be a bad Mommy, but don't forget to be perfect, too!

BUY CREAM TO FIX THE WRINKLES YOU GET FROM WORRYING YOU'RE NOT ENOUGH/TOO MUCH AND GET SOME DYE TO REMOVE ALL THE GREYS FROM YOUR FLAT/CURLY/DRY/OILY HAIR - THE ONES YOU GOT JUST NOW FROM READING ALL THE CONTRADICTIONS IN THIS ONE SIMPLE, UNSOLICITED EMAIL.

Now get off the computer! Your baby is crying, you incompetent asshole! (But don't forget to update your Cafe Mom profile later with new pics of your kids!)

XO,

Capitalism and Unreasonable Expectations, USA

Let me see that vlog, vl-vlog vlog vlog!

Sara's got a new Palin video for you, celebrating her "retirement." For now.



And Elon James White sounds off about her, too, on his new show This Week in Whiteness.

Castigate

Caitlin Flanagan, the author of Time Magazine's current cover story, "Why Marriage Matters," was on CNN this morning discussing divorce and the overall "success rate" of the children left in its wake. As you may know, this topic is of particular interest to me right now, since I've just begun to pen my opus for children of divorce called, "Are You My Mother...'s New Boyfriend?"


Now available in soft cover! For when you can't find a pillow on which to cry yourself to sleep.

Here's Flanagan's thesis statement:

An increasingly fragile construct depending less and less on notions of sacrifice and obligation than on the ephemera of romance and happiness as defined by and for its adult principals, the intact, two-parent family remains our cultural ideal, but it exists under constant assault. It is buffeted by affairs and ennui, subject to the eternal American hope for greater happiness, for changing the hand you dealt yourself.

How much does this matter? More than words can say. There is no other single force causing as much measurable hardship and human misery in this country as the collapse of marriage. It hurts children, it reduces mothers' financial security, and it has landed with particular devastation on those who can bear it least: the nation's underclass.

I'll give you the hardship and misery part, but let's talk about the children, shall we? The crux of the article is this: children of divorce wind up being dropouts, drug addicts and criminals, and thus marriages shouldn't end, to avoid this eventuality. Fascinating. But whose job is it to save all these faltering marriages Americans seem to be embroiled in? Unfortunately, most of the brunt is borne by the women, it appears.

Case in point: in every example of high profile divorce used on the TIME site, the men and their infidelity were the reason for the couple's split. (Jon and Kate Gosslein, Gov. Eliot and Silda Spitzer, John and Elizabeth Edwards and Gov. Mark and Jenny Sanford are the profiled pairs. Note that the latter two marriages are still publicly intact.)

So Silda and Elizabeth are the unsung and virtually silent heroes in these high profile near-divorces, while the men in their lives have all but destroyed their most sacred relationship and made it something profane.

Now let's get this straight. Staying married to a man who cheated on you is supposed to teach your children what, exactly? That even when someone betrays you and lies about it (and is perhaps only remorseful because television cameras force him to be) that you should subject yourself to a false "second chance" with that person in order to set a proper example? Two-parent families are only a proper example of what civilized society should look like when what's going on in those families is proper and civil. So many women (and certainly some men, too) sacrifice for their families by remaining in broken relationships, which is of course noble and in a sense, commendable. But the real sacrifice should've been made by the adulterer/criminal/liar, not having acted out on whatever selfish urge crept up in him to begin with.

The problem with Flanagan's article is that it's loaded with quotes trying to berate women into feeling like they have to keep terrible men in their lives - FOR THE SAKE OF THE KIDS. Here's one:

Few things hamper a child as much as not having a father at home. "As a feminist, I didn't want to believe it," says Maria Kefalas, a sociologist who studies marriage and family issues and co-authored a seminal book on low-income mothers called Promises I Can Keep: Why Poor Women Put Motherhood Before Marriage. "Women always tell me, 'I can be a mother and a father to a child,' but it's not true." Growing up without a father has a deep psychological effect on a child. "The mom may not need that man," Kefalas says, "but her children still do."

"The mom may not need that man?" Of course she does! Everyone with a child needs the other parent of the child. If humans were able to raise children alone, we'd be able to make children alone. After a divorce, many children (like my daughter) end up being raised by both parents separately, via joint custody and/or visitation. That's wonderful for the child, since having a loving relationship with both parents is clearly preferable to having one parent absent entirely. But, as this article suggests, the real benefit of a child having two parents is the chance for that child to witness the power of two people who love and respect each other and to benefit from the security that creates. Once that mutual respect is broken, the relationship is broken, even if it's still technically together.

And so let's place the blame for that wound where it belongs, on the offender, not the victim. Women too often feel pressure to completely abandon themselves for the sake of their children, and that cannot send a positive message, especially to young girls.

Toward the end of the article, the quotes do seem to perhaps take a few jabs at fathers who think they may be able to simply gloss over their infidelity/criminality/lying by playing the role of the responsible Daddy, unable to maintain his duty toward his wife, but ever-faithful, at least financially, to his children:

"Children have a primal need to know who they are, to love and be loved by the two people whose physical union brought them here. To lose that connection, that sense of identity, is to experience a wound that no child-support check or fancy school can ever heal." - David Blankenhorn, president of the Institute for American Values

No article about divorce would be complete without a reference to pop-culture parents Jon and Kate Gosselin, and so here's Flanagn's take on the OctoMomAndDad's demise:

"Jon had gotten bored with being bossed around by Kate, he'd had a fling with a 23-year-old teacher, and the couple had filed for divorce. He still loved the kids, he said — with complete guilelessness, as though loving the kids and doing right by them were unrelated events."

My point exactly, Caitlin. Who can blame Kate for leaving? Jon cheated. Boom. No, Kate is not a perfect person (and for my part, neither am I) but ultimately Jon was the one who ended the marriage, both with his affair and by contacting a divorce lawyer. In my personal plight, my husband spoiled our union with his actions, and I refuse to regret leaving. I struggled in silence for over a year with my decision, and of course my daughter was my main concern in that. I went to couples counseling. I prayed. Finally, I decided, after months of listening to my then two-year-old say things to her father and I like, "Guys, stop talkin' like that!," it was time to make a change. As a child of divorce myself, I can relate to Kate's charge of feeling like she's failed, because I never wanted to bring a child up in a broken home. And I'm not. Now that I'm single and out of a marriage that had become a sham, my home is whole again.

BROWN AMBITION IS BACK!

And bigger than ever, baby! Get ready*!





*And by that I mean PLEASE COME!

More songs, more stories, more characters... less wolves. Let's do this!

B-Sides

Sitting on the deck with Adriana after a dip in the pool, I started to poke at my stomach and said, "Look at this. This is from when you were in my belly. That's how I got fat."

Adriana paused for a second and then looked me in the eye and said with a smile, "Besides, I think I liked it in your tummy."

If her constant kicking was any indication, I'd say so, too. Besides.

Right on the Money

Oh Facebook ad generator, you know me so well!