My pal and New York Post writer Mandy Stadtmiller sent me an email last night including a link to
a recent blog post of hers that she classifies as "a lot of things, but I like to think of it as largely a defense of interesting, daring, funny women." In it, she has a bizarre exchange with (a male?) computer scientist, included below:
Me to an acquaintance I don't know well but thought I was simpatico with: "If you know any nice guys to set me up with, I'm newly single in NYC and trying to get out there & all that. All best, Mandy"
Acquaintance: "But the question is, would nice guys appreciate 'My life in Facebook updates (don't worry, mom)'? I see you as more drawn to those bad boy stereotypes?"
Me: "No - my last bf was a very nice guy. But I respect your point. I'm drawn to brilliant, funny, daring people who are able to express both darkness and light, who aren't afraid of living and risking. I may have the courage to express my failings but it doesn't mean I'm not a wonderful person who deserves the same."
Acquaintance: "Mandy, we've never met in person, so I'm at a distinct disadvantage. That said, you strike me as the 'artistic' type, with all the drama there to appertaining :-) [Redacted] So I'm the stable, loyal type. Given your proclivities ('I'm drawn to...'), I'd predict you'll either never get married, or have N husbands. None of this has anything to do with whether you're a wonderful person or not. :-)"
Me: "I was already married and was with him for 10 years - my last boyfriend 2 years."
Acquaintance: "Ouch...I didn't know about your marriage. Good thing no kids (much less complicated that way). Pattern Matching Again (that's what us Computer Scientists do). I'd suggest you stay away from marriage going forward? :-)"
Me: "I'm so sorry I ever emailed you. I want more than anything to find my life partner, get married and have kids. I suggest you never make such disgusting assumptions about someone who doesn't fit your stereotype of who is meant for marriage again. And my poor decision for emailing you - so I apologize."
Mandy goes on to say:
The idea, the disgusting idea that I would not be meant for marriage makes me sick. I was, and will be again, a tremendous wife.
It actually is possible to be hilarious, be sexy, be sexual, be bold, be adventurous, be ballsy, be intelligent, be in the public spotlight and also be a darling, true family person.
I was a newlywed when I first started doing stand-up, and one night, a fellow comic fella decided to walk me home from the train. On the way - to the apartment I shared with my husband - he took the liberty of telling me that it was not possible to be married and do comedy. (Hoping, one can only assume, that I would get divorced and he could get in my pants, since he also told me, "You know, you make fun of your figure onstage, but I think it's cute. You look like my ex-girlfriend." Way to pick up a lady, sire. By saying her fat ass reminds you of that chick you last dumped.) I was so affronted, I didn't know what to say. I was young, too, so I sort of smiled and chuckled, brushing him off as best I could. I don't know if he was implying that the life of a comic on the road isn't conducive to marriage or if it was best for a female comic to be available to sleep her way to the middle, but either way, I didn't like it. I was proud of my marriage and so happy with my home life - the stability that relationship provided me was what allowed me to feel confident in the pursuit of my dreams.
Of course six years later, my marriage has failed, but not because of comedy. It failed because of a host of private reasons that could have afflicted anyone - and in fact, do, infect a lot of marriages in this country. Financial problems and a lack of communication about them combined with a desperate act and the cover-up thereof would destroy anybody. I tried my best to smile my way through it, but eventually, it was time for me to face facts. So I left.
I was a great wife, devoted and loving, charismatic and kind. I totally understand Mandy's outrage at the assumptions this strange stranger made about her ability to love and to be loved. Yes, comedy is about highlighting adversity and making humor from pain. However, purposely bringing pain upon yourself for the sake of the art seems like a ridiculous pursuit, and though no doubt there are people who have done that to themselves, wittingly or un-, it is degrading for this person to have taken Mandy's 'artistic' proclivities and "pattern matched" them into a portrait of a wacky spinster. I'm so sick of all artists being generically labelled as "crazy" or "unstable." Do you know what it takes to be an artist? The effort that goes into writing, producing your own work, and caring enough about the Universe and human existence to do so? About the same amount of work it takes to have a successful marriage. So no doubt us kooky, creative types would make excellent husbands and wives.
Those who fail at marriage often fail, among many other reasons, because they are too self-absorbed to make a partnership work. Sure, plenty of artists fit that description, and I am not here to condemn them. But there are just as many carpenters, plumbers, mailmen, nurses, teachers, mechanics, cops and computer scientists who have the same issues - especially in New York City and other metropolitan areas where self is God. It's hard enough being married in Manhattan - imagine having a child on top of that? To quote the computer scientist, "Good thing no kids (much less complicated that way)."
Marriage is hard. So is being an artist. Both pursuits are perhaps inherently doomed to fail. But that doesn't mean we shouldn't try to experience the beauty both can offer. (That is not to say that I think everyone should get married, because I know there are people who simply have no interest in matrimony and I'm totally fine with that. But I don't think people who do believe in marriage should be discouraged from it because cosmopolitan society poo-poo's it.) Most people who pursue a career in the arts realize their chances of financial and critical success are minimal. They reconcile themselves to that, pursuing it anyway, simply for the love. The same thing goes for marriage. There are no guarantees. But if you are pursuing a life together for the love of it, then you'll at least enjoy the journey, no matter the outcome.
I, like Mandy, was with my husband for 10 years. I have no regrets. I tried as hard as I could and got out when I knew there was no way things could get better. I only hope, if I ever choose to leave the business we call show, I can say the same thing. I tried as hard as I could for as long as I could, and I loved it all the while.
