Let it show! Let it show! Let it show!

Santa Claus is a drunk
Originally uploaded by Delgoff.

It's snowing in Manhattan! Isn't it wonderful, Virginia? There really is a Santa Claus!

First things first: SAVE THE DATE!

My first solo show ever - a long time coming, to be sure - premieres at Ars Nova on Thursday, February 5, 2009 at 8 pm. It's called Brown Ambition and is directed by the delightful Baron Vaughn, featuring the daunting beatboxing skillz of Shockwave.

Rapping + Musical Comedy = RAPSICAL! Rapsical + Rad = Brown Ambition. I really hope you can make it!

***

Wednesday, Dec. 17 at 8 pm

Two free shows to choose from!

Superwednesday at Three of Cups
1st Avenue at 5th Street
Hosted by the delicious Charlie Gaeda

Shrink at Otto's Shrunken Head
538 East 14th Street (between A/B)
Hosted by the delectable Sharon "Mama" Spell

A percentage of the bar sales made during the show will be donated to Joe Powers' medical expense fund.

***

Thursday, Dec. 18th at 9:30 pm

On the Rocks for the Holidays
Hosted by the debonair Danny Leary
The Duplex - 61 Christopher Street at 7th Ave.
$10/2 drinks

Shawn Hollenbach, Katina Corrao and I get our Turkey Lurkey on. If you haven't seen Seth Rudetsky deconstruct the 1969 TONY performance from Promises, Promises, please click here, like, now. Video by Eliot Glazer, from Julie Klausner and Jackie Clarke's show Obsessed.

***

Friday, December 19th at 8 pm

Times Square Arts Center
8th Ave. at 42nd Street
Hosted by the delightful Stephanie Holmes

Catch a free show in the mezzanine theatre from 7-11 pm!

***

Saturday, December 20th at 8 pm

Derrick presents THIS IS NEW YORK
The Creek - 10-93 Jackson Ave.
Long Island City (that's Queenz)
FREE

Derrick is the darling three D's: Dominic Dierkes, Donald Glover, and DC Pierson. They have a movie premiering at Sundance called Mystery Team. Check it!

***

That's it for 2008! Stay tuned for the third annual 50 First Jokes on January 3, 2009, 7:30 at Webster Hall, hosted by the daring John O'Donnell, dashing Claudia Cogan and divine Jiwon Lee. HAPSY HOLZ, y'alls!

"You're Only As Sick As Your Secrets,"

quoth Carrie Fisher in this clip from The Today Show (Videogum, also posted below), that I found courtesy of Eliot Glazer's Gchat status. I'd never heard that expression before, but apparently it's an AA thing. It rings so true. (I wanted to say smacks so true, but I'm not ready to talk about my heroin addiction yet.)

In her Videogum post, Lindsay Robertson talks about how much she loves Carrie Fisher, and I totally agree. I had the pleasure of meeting her briefly about a year and a half ago, and she is completely awe-inspiring in person. Just so fucking cool. One of those broads that make you go, "I want to be like that." Eccentricities and all.

Have a Green Christmas

Hey, kids!  You know how we're all busy tryin' to save the earth-n-stuff?  Well, here's a great gift idea that makes a perfect stocking stuffer for Mom and Dad, sis and bro, maybe even a roommate!

Take a look in your shower.  Are you using a yucky plastic/vinyl shower curtain and/or liner?  Chances are, yes.  I always have, too.  But then a few months ago, as I was replacing my mold and mildew covered liner for the umpteenth time, I saw something that has changed my life...

A FABRIC SHOWER CURTAIN LINER!

Yes, people!  We all have it within our power not only to buy something made of material that's less harmful for the environment, but a product that you will probably never have to dispose of and replace because you can simply WASH IT.  Now how about that?

See the fabric shower curtain liner as it glistens in the morning (shower) dew.  Feel the soft, silky radiance of a non-harmful consumer good as it soothes you while you get ready for work.

All this can be yours for the tune of $12.99, courtesy of Target.  (Bed, Bath and Beyond and Wal*Mart carry them, too.)

Or, if you like it fancy, check out the $50 version from Satara.  Comes in pink and brown.

Fancy.

If you're looking for a great outer curtain made of fabric, why not try the Top 500 SAT Words Shower Curtain, (Jen Dziura)?

Or the Black Bear Shower Curtain, adorable guy in the picture below?

HAPPY SHOWERING!

BEATdown

I won the BEATdown Friday night. For the second time. Which is pretty rad, except for the fact that I also chipped a tooth, lost my scarf, had to pay twice to take three trains and didn't get home until 4 am. BUT - I did get to go to McManus after the show with a bunch of cool cats, and that was nice. Here's the damage, courtesy of Miss Anya Garrett:



This is my new favorite picture. Such a happy accident. Like pregnancy.



How the first one was supposed to look. Me with my trophy... and a necklace I won. Hey-oh!



I took that hunk of cuteness right there. Anya and Arthur Lewis. Click here to watch Shockwave, Arthur and I tear it up to a Police hit!



I took this one, too! Y'all know how much I love a personalized necklace, and "You're Pretty" is Miss Anya's photographic mantra. Her fab jewels were handmade by Christina Dunham.



Lovers.



Wilson Hall and Dan Curry, who was crackin' my shit up while I was trying to battle him. The kid can't rhyme for shit, but he sure can scat!



Anya made this totally glam Tiger Beat for Shock. She's right - give it six months, bro, and the 7 year olds will come calling!

Also big shouts to Eliza Skinner for rapping with me the "Muthe Fucka song," Margot Leitman for being amazing as always and Michelle Buteau for being the cutest drunk eva.

Hunting the FUPA Hunter

In light of the recent hubbub surrounding Amanda Palmer's fat belly, I thought I'd say right here right now in public that this:

http://fupahunter.blogspot.com/

...fucking sucks.

I mean, look - haha, fat people are funny. Yes, we know. We're laughing while we're knee deep in nachos at all of you "regular" folks who only take up one seat on a plane. (For the record, I still fit, but on one of those tiny jets it's getting close, and I'm half as fat as all of the people being ridiculed on that blog.)

Prop 8 has taught us that gay is the new black, right? So I guess that makes fat the new gay. Well, this fat faggot wishes whoever thinks it's okay to take pictures of private citizens and post them in a public sphere for mockery's sake would get crushed like the punchline of a Poppi Kramer joke: while fucking a fat chick - cuz let's be real - you know you want to.

I have problems with Hollaback NYC for the same reasons. You can't just take a private citizen's picture and call them names online. (That said, at least in HBNYC's case, the photographed bandits have offended someone with their lewd behavior.) It's bad enough celebrities have to deal with excruciating criticism - and that comes from someone who spent a year and a half making fun of celebrities in a tabloid before my father died and I thought better of it. Celebrities, unfortunately for them, have to learn to deal with public scrutiny. The fat lady at your local Wal*Mart shouldn't have to.

You see a fat person. They're huffing and puffing down the streets of New York/Chicago - yeah, definitely in Chicago/LA - maybe not so much in LA, but you know what I mean. They're slow - they stink. They PISS YOU OFF! Fine. Write about it. Describe the scenario. But don't take a picture of them. There's an important difference between writing about someone being fat or talking about someone being fat and displaying that person as a fat monster for all the world to throw donuts at. In taking your complaint from the general to the specific, from fat people to THAT FAT FUCK IN THE PICTURE RIGHT THERE, you hurt someone's feelings. Who probably already has hurt feelings. Why the fuck do you think they eat so much?

Look - no one likes fat people. Fat people don't even like being fat. It's annoying. But skinny people are annoying, too. (Bet you think it's cold out now, huh? I'm sorry, I can't hear you - your teeth are chattering too much.) We're all fucking annoying, because we're all flawed, fragile little human beings. And we all deserve a little privacy and respect. Especially random strangers who have no desire to be in the spotlight whatsoever. If you don't get permission to photograph and post pictures of the "FUPA's" on your site, FUPA Hunter, then Blogger should shut you down. And I'm suspecting you don't, given the reaction these two ladies had for you:



The worst of it is, this smells so bad like a desperate ploy for attention. Like one night the author of the site woke up and thought, "OMG! I totally know how I can get internet famous! I'll make fun of fat people!" The site is fundamentally flawed, because the creator doesn't even know what a FUPA is. A FUPA is not "a Man or a Woman so afflicted by obesity that their pubic area is used to store patches of soft fatty waste."

It's an acronym:

Fat
Upper
Pussy
Area

The word has been around for years. Get your shit right, haters.



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RiUxt3hTi7A

Recognize, muthafuckas!

You wanna be the next Stuff White People Like
but you can't even get your definitions right
you can post pics of fat chicks, keep your nose in the game
but your mouth will call you out because your premise is lame

Fat chicks are the future and the muthafuckin' past
when you were a baby one had let you suck her brast
but if you like a skinny titty suck until you're sore
cuz milk won't come out of a dried up nipple that's for sho

So watch yourself before the fat chicks come and attack
you can set some cheese and ice cream out and lure us in a trap
we will find you and we'll sit on you and then you'll be no more
then we'll start a blog called dead assholes and even up the score

Nice Interview on Hy Reviews

Here's a link to a nice interview with me conducted by Hy Bender. He's a great guy who knows everything about comedy in New York. Check his site for daily comedy picks and more!

And, just to whet your appetite for the rest of the interview, here's what he says about me at the top. I'm blushing! (But not enough not to repost it, you know what I'm sayin'? I mean shit, it's not like I'm famous yet and need to be humble as I drive away in my pop-top. I'm still snackin' pop tarts as dinner, you feel me?)

"Carolyn Castiglia is one of the sharpest, quickest, and funniest comics in NYC—and, so far, one of the most underappreciated. If you haven't seen Carolyn on stage, you oughta."

Oh man - thank you, Hy!

Videos Galore!

My buddy Baron Vaughn (who also happens to be directing my solo show, "Brown Ambition" February 5th, 8 pm at Ars Nova NYC) has a couple of fun videos out today. One featuring him, and one in honor of him. (How about that!)

Here his, along with a very funny cast, in "Capote Support Group," by Drink at Work:



And here's a rendition by some college students of a song derived from a joke of his (d'you get all that?) entitled "Penises and Lollipops":



That should just about make anyone's day.

But wait - hey - I have a new video out today, too! Here's a clip of my appearance on The Rejection Show's "On-Air Television Rejections Volume One" back in April in honor of my appearance on Miss Rap Supreme. Thanks to Jon Friedman for the footage!



You can come see me freestyle tonight at UCB in the BEATdown at 11 pm!

Add it up.

The second thing on the list of "Qualities I Can't Stand in People" is CALCULATED EFFORTLESSNESS. The first being "Entitlement" and the third being "Gassiness." If you're cool, I'll let you slide on number 3. But if you're a self-entitled room-scanner (the fourth quality I can't stand in people) and you fart around me, I will have to trip you until your nose bleeds.

I was on the L train tonight, the metro area hub of Calculated Effortlessness for the tragically hip, and I decided I would actually CALCULATE the amount of EFFORT all the CALCULATED EFFORTLESSNESS surrounding me took.

Turns out, 549.063 million cubic tons of effort went into the calculated effortlessness of just two "men" sitting across from me. I hesitate to use the word men without quotes, because if you're a 35 year old male with either salt-and-pepper hair and/or a balding issue and you purposely try (via that hooded sweatshirt/Members Only jacket/black square glasses/iPod/knitted cap combo) to look like you're 16, you're not a man. You're probably a novelist/DJ/statutory rapist.

And you look stupid. I'd rather see your soggy naked balls dangling from your shriveled penis than look at your smug, self-satisfied grin.

p.s. - Really? The crossword puzzle at 10:30 pm? Is that how you unwind from a long day of sighing? Argh.

On why you should always use Google Maps when looking for apartments on Craig's List

I sent an email to a "Liz Daniel" yesterday about a (too-good-to-be-true) deal in Long Island City. 2 bedrooms in a loft for $1000. Now, first of all, I understand that the terms "2 bedroom" and "loft" are incongruous, but let's just chalk that oversight up to my excitement. There is no excuse, however, for the fact that I didn't actually check Google Maps for the address - "5-09 48th Avenue 4B." I mean, I've lived in Queens before - I should have known that "5-09" doesn't exist. But Craig's List brings out the bargain hunter in me and I get blinded by my own zeal. It's like shopping at Daffy's - you really should know there's no way you'll find anything of worth, despite their claim of having "Clothing Bargains for Millionaires," but you look anyway and you end up buying the hot pink rain slicker because, well, it fit, and it was only $30, and you forgot to wear a jacket even though your mother told you it was going to rain today.

By the way, Daffy's recently changed their slogan to "High Fashion, Low Prices," which is just as well, because let's face it - millionaires don't need clothing bargains, and if they were going to bother to seek them out, I doubt they'd do it at a glorified Marshalls.

And speaking of Marshalls... if you're a regular person thinking of going to Harlem to look for a deal, don't. I was there last week. Sure, they're having a 50% off sale. But the only thing I found worth procuring was a glove. One. I guess in Marshalls corporate lingo, 50% off means half a pair of gloves, but that hardly seems fair. The fingers on my right hand are so cold!

This is the response I got about the apartment:

Hello Dear,

Thanks for the reply and interest in my apartment,We are the
owner of the house you are making inquiry of.

NOTE THAT : We are
presently out of the USA.
You can drive to see the apartment BUT the only
problem is that you can only view the apartment from outside and will not be
able to gain access to see the inside.
The keys and the documents of the
house are here and we shall get it shipped to you via COURIER SERVICE as soon as
you are ready to move in
Like we told you, everything in the apartment is
very OK Actually I resided in the house with my family,My husband and 5 yrs
daugther before and presently we had packed out due to my transfer from my
church branch and now situated in London .

Presently, we are having
church branched in London and part of Africa.
We want to rent out the
apartment.Our house is available now for rent at $1000 with a deposit a security
deposit of $500.

The amenities include the Utilities like Hydro,washer,
internet facilities etc.
Our house is well funished and the address of my
house is
Address :
5-09 48th Avenue 4B,
Long Island City, NY 11101
USA

So i will solicit for your absolute maintenance of this apartment
and want you to treat it as yours,i hope this is very clear to you is not all
about the money,but i want you to keep it tidy all the time so that i will be
glad to see it neat when ever we visit US.
You can FILL this below
APPLICATION FORM :
RENT APPLICATION FORM.
Also,Pls let me get this
answer.

1) Your Full Name :

2) Your Full Address & Phone
Number :

3) How old are you? :

4) Are you married? :

5)
How many people will be living in the house?:

6) Do you have a pet?:

7) Do you have a car?:

8) Occupation? :

9)What is your
religion? :

10) Your prefer move in date :

This information will
enable us to proceed with the issuance of the receipt and to know you more.

You can call my husband on his Direct telephone number 0092348073742381
or on his email address :
pastorjohndaniel@sify.com

I await your
response.

God bless you

Mrs Liz Daniel

Now, despite the religious tone of the email, my zeal finally wore off when I figured out I was being snowed. I don't know what's worse: the line about only being able to see the apartment from the outside, or that "she" thinks New Yorkers drive, or that "she" thinks anyone would be dumb enough to be shipped the keys via COURIER SERVICE?! (Nice caps there. Great effect. Oooh, will it be UPS? Or FEDEX? Who knows?! Maybe DHL, since she's in London - or Africa. I can hardly wait to receive the keys to the apartment I've never seen at an address that doesn't exist! Now I better hurry and wire the $10,000 security deposit to her bank in Nigeria...)

Oh, no. I know what the worst part is. This was sent by some dude in India who is pretending to be married to a DEAD PREACHER. I mean, come on! I'm not gonna rent from a dead guy. That's just absurd!

But if anybody hears of another 2 bedroom loft for $1000, let me know. Cuz that sounds pretty sweet.

Figure with Heart

I loved seeing Keith Haring's balloon in the Thanksgiving Parade this year, especially knowing that was always a dream of his. Reminds me of De La Vega, the Haring of East Harlem.



Become Your Dream.