Check out my latest, "Whitney Biennial Jumps the Shark." For anyone who'd rather stare at American Apparel ads all day than have to see Kenny Scharf one more time teasing you in his cowboy hat as he tugs at his tee in the window of the Gap. I mean, really! It's worse than that Madonna/Missy stunt!
Friday, May 30, 2008
Mmmmminty!
Ugh. I have this terrible minty taste in my mouth. But it's not just in my mouth - it's burning down my throat and into my chest. I blame Becky Yamamoto. She gave me some kind of voodoo tree stick to chew on the other night and I think like out of a Stephen King novel it's now going to sting me with it's minty bite until I shrivel away into a piece of waxed dental floss.
Then again, maybe it's not her fault. I was so sleepy this morning I can't remember a) if I even brushed my teeth, so b) maybe I put something besides toothpaste on the brush. I could be feeling the burn of a Prep H scrub, I don't know! I feel like I ate a bar of Irish Spring.
Or, it could be that I had iced coffee from 7/11 this morning. Maybe that's it. I NEVER drink iced coffee. I don't care how hot it is, I want my coffee warm, damn it. And furthermore, who goes to 7/11? People who want to contract mint disease, that's who!
God - did I sleepwalk and chug a bottle of Scope? This is worse than that time my next-door neighbor and I drank Wild Turkey when we were 12.
Maybe I can fart this out. Maybe if I concentrate hard enough I'll be able to blow this out of my system and freshen the entire room.
Christ, did I eat a sandwich made from two of those tree air fresheners? With windshield wiper fluid in the middle?
Ugh. Whatever it is, this air conditioning is not helping. I feel like I'm skiing in a blizzard wearing a snowsuit made out of Listerine breath strips.
Then again, maybe I just chewed a piece of gum and forgot about it. I am that retarded.
Then again, maybe it's not her fault. I was so sleepy this morning I can't remember a) if I even brushed my teeth, so b) maybe I put something besides toothpaste on the brush. I could be feeling the burn of a Prep H scrub, I don't know! I feel like I ate a bar of Irish Spring.
Or, it could be that I had iced coffee from 7/11 this morning. Maybe that's it. I NEVER drink iced coffee. I don't care how hot it is, I want my coffee warm, damn it. And furthermore, who goes to 7/11? People who want to contract mint disease, that's who!
God - did I sleepwalk and chug a bottle of Scope? This is worse than that time my next-door neighbor and I drank Wild Turkey when we were 12.
Maybe I can fart this out. Maybe if I concentrate hard enough I'll be able to blow this out of my system and freshen the entire room.
Christ, did I eat a sandwich made from two of those tree air fresheners? With windshield wiper fluid in the middle?
Ugh. Whatever it is, this air conditioning is not helping. I feel like I'm skiing in a blizzard wearing a snowsuit made out of Listerine breath strips.
Then again, maybe I just chewed a piece of gum and forgot about it. I am that retarded.
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Privy
Have you ever thought to yourself, "Can't I just get a break?" I feel like that's all I've been saying for the last several months, and last night proved no exception. I was wandering around the West Village with Jenny after my show, obsessing over the fact that my period is late but that it can't be possible that I'm pregnant, unless that one move that one time in the bathroom could have caused a ruckus because, come on, that was foreplay and though I'm not barren (Vaughn) I am certainly not fertile like Mesopotamia or Michelle Duggar, either.
Jenny and I decided it would be best if I popped into Duane, picked up a stick and peed on it, just for peace of mind. Jenny ran into an old friend whilst in the DR (note: in case you're confused or live outside of New York City, I'm talking about Duane Reade, not the Dominican Republic, tho if you think of the Dominican Republic as DR chances are you do live in New York). Speaking of barren... her friend was Chris Barron, from the Spin Doctors (yes, the actual Spin Doctors). He invited us to go see him and John Popper of Blues Traveller play at The Bitter End, so we said sure, we'll go eat first and come back. He very cleverly said, "Okay, but don't go eat and then be like, 'Yo, should we go back? Ehhhhn.' Just come back." Despite his admonition, that's exactly what we did. But not out of lack of interest.
We headed over to the Olive Tree Cafe on top of the Comedy Cellar for a quick bite. I ordered a water and drank it down fast so I'd have enough ammunition to go to the powder room and do what needed to be done. As I headed downstairs toward the loo, I realized, "Oh, right. I have to walk through the Cellar while there's a comic onstage. Great. Can't a girl piss on a stick in private?" I suppose so, if said girl actually bothered to wait until she got home to find outher life was over she was having a miracle.
I meander through the crowd just as the guy onstage says, "Man, I need a woman with a good job." He pauses, and I can feel everyone's focus on me as I try to discreetly shove my ginormous bag toward the bathroom door.
"What kinda job you got, sweetheart?"
I thought, "Great. Just great. All I want to do is find out if I'm gonna have another baby and this guy thinks he's funny. Swell. I don't want to do this right now. But I have to."
"A good one," I said, with signature but understated sassy-black-girl flair. I heard the audience laugh and applaud as the door shut behind me, and I felt a little vindicated. He took it in stride, realizing he'd been beaten at his own game, and then, like a man who was down with no hope but to be mean, he whimpered:
"Nah. She ain't got no good job. That bitch is a manager at Dunkin' Donuts."
That's the way to get your opponent. When they're no longer in the same room.
Ha-ha. Very funny. Wow. I'm not skinny so I work at a donut shop. Say, someone offer this guy a three picture deal!
That was almost as funny as him offering his "chalupa" (*wink*) to the Mexican girl in the front row.
Now, I am not a comedy snob, nor am I above easy jokes. Sometimes you have to do what works. I know that. But what I am a stickler about is intention. And if your intent is to be mean and dumb then you are a jerk no matter how funny or unfunny you are.
I was planning to stay out on an all-night bender if I was pregnant, drinking my last drinks and smoking my last smokes before 9 months of glorious hell, which made hanging at The Bitter End seem like the perfect plan. But, the good news is, I'm not pregnant. The bad news is, I wasted $11 to find out my baby bump is actually a burrito bump. (So, I'll take your chalupa, sir, and I'll raise you a box of Munchkins.) At least I can put the rumors to rest and you can all go back to reading newspapers now.
Thank you! Goodnight!
Jenny and I decided it would be best if I popped into Duane, picked up a stick and peed on it, just for peace of mind. Jenny ran into an old friend whilst in the DR (note: in case you're confused or live outside of New York City, I'm talking about Duane Reade, not the Dominican Republic, tho if you think of the Dominican Republic as DR chances are you do live in New York). Speaking of barren... her friend was Chris Barron, from the Spin Doctors (yes, the actual Spin Doctors). He invited us to go see him and John Popper of Blues Traveller play at The Bitter End, so we said sure, we'll go eat first and come back. He very cleverly said, "Okay, but don't go eat and then be like, 'Yo, should we go back? Ehhhhn.' Just come back." Despite his admonition, that's exactly what we did. But not out of lack of interest.
We headed over to the Olive Tree Cafe on top of the Comedy Cellar for a quick bite. I ordered a water and drank it down fast so I'd have enough ammunition to go to the powder room and do what needed to be done. As I headed downstairs toward the loo, I realized, "Oh, right. I have to walk through the Cellar while there's a comic onstage. Great. Can't a girl piss on a stick in private?" I suppose so, if said girl actually bothered to wait until she got home to find out
I meander through the crowd just as the guy onstage says, "Man, I need a woman with a good job." He pauses, and I can feel everyone's focus on me as I try to discreetly shove my ginormous bag toward the bathroom door.
"What kinda job you got, sweetheart?"
I thought, "Great. Just great. All I want to do is find out if I'm gonna have another baby and this guy thinks he's funny. Swell. I don't want to do this right now. But I have to."
"A good one," I said, with signature but understated sassy-black-girl flair. I heard the audience laugh and applaud as the door shut behind me, and I felt a little vindicated. He took it in stride, realizing he'd been beaten at his own game, and then, like a man who was down with no hope but to be mean, he whimpered:
"Nah. She ain't got no good job. That bitch is a manager at Dunkin' Donuts."
That's the way to get your opponent. When they're no longer in the same room.
Ha-ha. Very funny. Wow. I'm not skinny so I work at a donut shop. Say, someone offer this guy a three picture deal!
That was almost as funny as him offering his "chalupa" (*wink*) to the Mexican girl in the front row.
Now, I am not a comedy snob, nor am I above easy jokes. Sometimes you have to do what works. I know that. But what I am a stickler about is intention. And if your intent is to be mean and dumb then you are a jerk no matter how funny or unfunny you are.
I was planning to stay out on an all-night bender if I was pregnant, drinking my last drinks and smoking my last smokes before 9 months of glorious hell, which made hanging at The Bitter End seem like the perfect plan. But, the good news is, I'm not pregnant. The bad news is, I wasted $11 to find out my baby bump is actually a burrito bump. (So, I'll take your chalupa, sir, and I'll raise you a box of Munchkins.) At least I can put the rumors to rest and you can all go back to reading newspapers now.
Thank you! Goodnight!
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Last Second Standing
Here I am on Last Comic Standing, thanks to Carla. I'm the girl in the purple shirt. The first one. Not the blond girl in Bill Bellamy's lap. Please note the emotional range I am able to span in less than 1 second:
Who else did you spot in this clip? Katie Riffey - check. Jackie Monahan - check. Fellow Upstater Jeremy Schachter. Anybody else you recognize?
Plus, here's an interesting review of the show by Kevin McDonough specifically critiquing the New York auditions.
Who else did you spot in this clip? Katie Riffey - check. Jackie Monahan - check. Fellow Upstater Jeremy Schachter. Anybody else you recognize?
Plus, here's an interesting review of the show by Kevin McDonough specifically critiquing the New York auditions.
Promotion is at the heart of "Last Comic Standing." Bill Bellamy ("Def Comedy Jam") returns as host, and he'll be joined by a parade of talent scouts who just happen to be TV celebrities. It's "Audition of the Network Stars." As such, the judging process is a mixed bag. During the Manhattan tryouts, "Sopranos" star and "Tonight Show" regular Steve Schirripa and "Law & Order: SVU" star Richard Belzer show a real inclination for edgy male comedy and express boredom with the more involved routines of female stand-ups. But in Tempe, Ariz., Kathy Najimy ("King of the Hill") and Fred Willard ("Back to You") are pushovers for anything except freaky-costumed comics.
It's hard not to watch some of these unknowns without some regret. Many seem like the perfect types to become supporting stars in situation comedies and follow in the footsteps of their talent scouts, including Richard Kind ("Spin City"), French Stewart ("3rd Rock"), Dave Foley ("NewsRadio"), George Wendt and John Ratzenberger of "Cheers" fame. But with the sitcom's future rather uncertain, you have to wonder where the "Last Comic Standing" will be working.
Thursday, May 15, 2008
What are you doing May 22?
I know what I'm doing...
Featuring Michelle Buteau and Adam Sank.
Featuring Jackie Monahan and Kara Buller.
Go to the official site to see several more New York comics in the clips, like God's Pottery, Stone and Stone, Esther Ku, Gina Brillon, Erica Watson, Carmen Lynch and many others... including New York to LA transplant Erin Foley, who I really think could take it all the way this season.
But before you go, check out this video featuring various "Talent Scouts" from auditions around the country. Be sure to listen carefully to what New York scout Steve Schirripa says makes a good comic. Most notably, a penis.
Where was genius Fred Willard when we needed him??? Angela Kinsey, I adore you.
Featuring Michelle Buteau and Adam Sank.
Featuring Jackie Monahan and Kara Buller.
Go to the official site to see several more New York comics in the clips, like God's Pottery, Stone and Stone, Esther Ku, Gina Brillon, Erica Watson, Carmen Lynch and many others... including New York to LA transplant Erin Foley, who I really think could take it all the way this season.
But before you go, check out this video featuring various "Talent Scouts" from auditions around the country. Be sure to listen carefully to what New York scout Steve Schirripa says makes a good comic. Most notably, a penis.
Where was genius Fred Willard when we needed him??? Angela Kinsey, I adore you.
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Reverse Puerto-Oreo, aka The New Fugees
My man DJ Cipha Sounds finally hit me up with this video from the day I did his show on Shade 45. Check it - you are not ready for this marmalade!
My favorite quote about this performance so far:
"more chins that some type of a phone book."
Why is it always that the a-hole who wants to call a girl fat or ugly can't even spell? That doesn't make you wrong, dude, but it does make you stupid.
My favorite quote about this performance so far:
"more chins that some type of a phone book."
Why is it always that the a-hole who wants to call a girl fat or ugly can't even spell? That doesn't make you wrong, dude, but it does make you stupid.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Trooper
I don't even know how I ended up on this page for Natalie Dee (I must have accidentally clicked a link on someone's Gchat status or something) but this is pretty amaizng. Not a groundbreaking statement or even a new sentiment, but awesome nonetheless:
Getting by, with a little help.
Taken last Wednesday at the beautiful Chelsea Market. That, of course, is Jen Dziura on my right.
Thursday night at Ate Ave. with the usual suspects, Jenny, Laura and Paul, plus my good old friend Pete who I don't see as much as I should. (I can't believe you got a Wikipedia entry before me, you little slut!) Pete's moving to LA to become a big, big star. You may recognize him as Damian on The Lair - that is if you're not straight. If you are, you may recognize him as the voyeur in Shortbus. (That is if you're not uptight about sex.) If you are, you may want to try Pete's first starring vehicle, The Bedroom Workout for Men: Better Sex Through Exercise.
Pete and I grew up and went to college together. Suffice it to say, in tough times, there is nothing like an old friend to make you feel at home. Thank you for eating way too many fries with me, you dork!
Love you all...
Pete and I grew up and went to college together. Suffice it to say, in tough times, there is nothing like an old friend to make you feel at home. Thank you for eating way too many fries with me, you dork!
Love you all...
Thursday, May 08, 2008
Wednesday, May 07, 2008
Smarty-Pants
This is your brain:
Comedian, Blogger, Highly-Caffeinated Spelling-Bee Impresario, Capitalist Feminist and now Proprietor of Chelsea Mind Games, Jennifer "Don't Just Do It All, Have It All, Too" Dziura, next to her private collection of reading glasses.
This is your brain on drugs:
Me, trying to look "smart."
This is where both your brain, and your brain on drugs will be tonight:
Comedian, Blogger, Highly-Caffeinated Spelling-Bee Impresario, Capitalist Feminist and now Proprietor of Chelsea Mind Games, Jennifer "Don't Just Do It All, Have It All, Too" Dziura, next to her private collection of reading glasses.
This is your brain on drugs:
Me, trying to look "smart."
This is where both your brain, and your brain on drugs will be tonight:
Wednesday, May 7th
Chelsea Mind Games presents...
Dorothy Von Irony's Hour of Literary Comedy and Comic Literature
9pm (arrive at 6:30 for rap violinist Katie Pawluk or at 7:30 for the Math Bee!)
Chelsea Market, 75 9th Ave, between 15th/16th
(in the main area -- walk in the front door and just keep walking til you hit it)
Tuesday, May 06, 2008
Bedazzled
I WANT TO GIVE A MAJOR SHOUT-OUT RIGHT NOW TO CBT'S CLOSET! And my girl Jen Dziura for this hookup.
Do you Etsy? If you don't you don't know what you're missing.
Etsy.com is "your place to buy and sell all things handmade."
You can find everything on there from furniture to clothes to - wait for it - jewelry! My weakness.
Fortunately for me, the amazing team of Don and Michelle from CBT's Closet sent me some bomb-ass gems. Here's me in the phat Obama earrings Don made!
And here's the hott resin necklace Michelle put together with my initials on it!
And here's the best quote I've heard in a long time, courtesy of Don:
"We practice the healing powers of glittery therapy 24 hours a day."
Obama '08! No nukes! GLITTER THERAPY!
THANK YOU, CBT'S CLOSET! Now go buy yourself something nice.
Do you Etsy? If you don't you don't know what you're missing.
Etsy.com is "your place to buy and sell all things handmade."
You can find everything on there from furniture to clothes to - wait for it - jewelry! My weakness.
Fortunately for me, the amazing team of Don and Michelle from CBT's Closet sent me some bomb-ass gems. Here's me in the phat Obama earrings Don made!
And here's the hott resin necklace Michelle put together with my initials on it!
And here's the best quote I've heard in a long time, courtesy of Don:
"We practice the healing powers of glittery therapy 24 hours a day."
Obama '08! No nukes! GLITTER THERAPY!
THANK YOU, CBT'S CLOSET! Now go buy yourself something nice.
Thursday, May 01, 2008
Spring in the Hawk
Took these last week on my walk to the bus. Jealous? New Jersey has (semi) living things in it!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
