Two Great Shows Tonight!

Don't miss a wonderful, riotous evening at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre tonight:

First up, ELIZA SKINNER IS: SHAMELESS.

A show about people you hate, but have to love.

Eliza Skinner's characters are horrible people - viciously real and wickedly funny. She presents 3 gleefully repugnant portraits of a mother, a wife, a party girl; all of them skipping past the point of no return.

7 pm
$5

She's auditioning for Montreal, y'all!

And then followed by HIGH SCHOOL TALENT SHOW (I'm in that one!) on a double bill with The Lance and Ray Show at 8 pm. $5.

Remember when you couldn't wait to graduate high school? If you forgot, let Upper Central Bay High's best and brightest refresh your memory during an evening of magic, dance, song, music, poetry, and comedy (and stilts, too!) as they take the stage for a show that will delight you in no way Zac Efron could ever imagine!

Both shows are at:

The UCB Theatre
307 W. 26th Street
New York, NY 10001

Yay!

Black and White in Technicolor

My friend TAN recently reported that the dude behind Stuff White People Like is, in fact, a white guy who likes the stuff he writes about. Suspicion confirmed! To celebrate, here's a trailer for a series I'm in called White Girl Inc. The first episode will premiere February 29 at 11 pm at The Tank @ Collective: Unconscious (279 Church Street between Franklin and White) as a part of the Black Comedy Experiment!

My comedy baby, Chicks and Giggles, co-parented by the lovely and talented Nichelle Stephens, is also a part of the fest with a special Foxy Cleopatra Edition hosted by Abbi Crutchfield at The Tank on March 1st at 8 pm. Ch-ch-ch-check it out, y'all!

My 9 Word Recap of the Oscars:

"Cameron Diaz makes Goldie Hawn look like a scientist."


It wasn't just the way she flubbed saying "cinematography" - though, honestly, if you're out-poised by Miley Cyrus, you probably need to do some serious thinking. It was her red-carpet manners that really got to me. "Oh, my dress? It's Dior. If I'm wearing it, I should know who it is, right? Yeah, like, Daniel Day-Lewis like totally gets into his parts. Um, are there french fries somewhere or something? I LOVE junk food."


Also, I got a sense in her interview that she had absolutely no desire to be there. The Fug Girls recap it best:


Cameron Diaz gets a turn with Ryan, and — how to say this politely? — she REALLY should have worn some foundation. And some lipstick. And done her hair. And worn something else. Or stayed home.


Beyond that, it was a pretty boring night, as many bloggers and vloggers have already noted. I was praying Sicko would win Best Documentary Feature just so Michael Moore's crazy ass could get up there and make the show memorable.

Hey guys - great show - mmm - can somebody pass the oregano? Man, you know what would taste great on top of this pizza? THE FREE HEALTHCARE I'M GONNA NEED AFTER I GO TO SCHOOL AND GET SHOT BECAUSE THIS COUNTRY IS RUN BY A BUNCH OF TERRORIST LOVING A-HOLES! And some more pepperoni.

Speaking of the subway...

I got turned around last Tuesday and ended up going uptown instead of downtown, so I found myself at the 81st Street stop on the blue line, where the Natural History Museum is. I've only been to this stop once or twice before, which is a shame, because as you can see it has some of the best tile work in the whole city. I love the play on being underground/under water.

Look at all the dinosaurs...

A few things on this snowy Friday...

1. Dear New Yorkers Who Carry Umbrellas in the Snow:

A) You look wack. Please stop.

B) What are you afraid of? Snow is not rain, and it is not sharp enough to kill you. Why the cover-up? It's bullshit, even if the authors of these New York Times letters to the editor think otherwise. People in suburban and rural areas may use cars to get around, but they also do something in the snow that urbanites don't: they actually stand outside in it and SHOVEL IT. I could have skied to the bus stop this morning, though I didn't, for fear I wouldn't be able to navigate my way through all the UMBRELLAS.

2. Why does everyone and their mother have this hat?




I mean, really...



3. I've found myself walking through the passageway underneath Times Square that leads from Port Authority to the red line trains quite a bit recently, and I noticed the poem on the ceiling again for the first time in a while. It's called "Commuter's Lament" by Norman B. Colp, and it reads:

Overslept/
So tired/
If late/
Get fired./
Why bother?/
Why the pain?/
Just go home/
Do it again.

Courtesy Wikipedia.

I remember the first time I saw that, many years ago now, I thought, "Wow - that's soooo true." And now I see it more as a taunting statement, really, rather than a sympathetic one. It's as if the poet is saying:

Hey Fucko/
You have a job/
Why are you commuting/
From New Jersey?/
All the cool kids/
Live in Brooklyn/
That's what you get/
For having a baby/
and dreams./
p.s./
Get an alarm clock.

Comic Book Club Podcast

Tuesday night, I did a great show at The PIT called Comic Book Club. The show is hosted by the hilarious trio of Justin Tyler, Pete LePage, and Alex Zalben.

I got to share the stage with the talented artist Arlen Schumer, author of The Silver Age of Comic Book Art and Darren Passarello (pictured), who you may know as Nitro G from Who Wants to Be a Superhero?

You can hear a podcast of the entire show here.

I have to say, I'm really impressed by the sound quality, so it's totally worth a listen. Topics include gender and race in comics and tentacle porn. (What else?)

My Oscar Acceptance Speech

The fine folks at Radar published a great online tool where you can generate your very own Academy Award acceptance speech using mad libs. Here's how mine turned out. It's pretty much exactly what I've always planned on saying. (I've underlined the words left for me to fill in... in case you can't otherwise get the joke.)

YOUR OSCAR SPEECH

Wow. Oh boy. I wasn't going to prepare a speech, but my Adriana told me I'd jinx myself if I didn't. So, thanks, Stumps! [Pause. Inhale deeply. Nod to Jack Nicholson.] I'd like to thank the Academy. I'd like to thank the Sticky, Bootylicious, Crancktastic actors I was nominated with. Just to be included in a group with you all is an honor. I'd like to thank my manager, Zahava Meir, my agent, Ari, my stylist, and all the immensely talented people at New Line, Harvey Weinstein, Shawn Hollenbach, and Dr. Phil.

I'd also like to thank my parents, who supported me through falling on my face and burning my eyeball. And Ron Howard, my one ... true ... love [gaze into audience]. Last, but certainly not least, we all just lost Mel Brooks, a truly Sweaty visionary and FAN-FUCKING-TASTIC soul. [Begin tearing.] I'd like us to take a moment to ... No! Fan-fucking-tastic!! Don't start playing that music, I have 23 more people to go! My editor Jenny Rubin, my accountant Katina Corrao, my lawyer Ann Carr, and my personal assistant Livia Scott, Josh at Loch Ness Monster Pictures. Brad Grey. When we started this project, global warming was something no one wanted to talk about. Victims of Barack Obama, this is for you! Thank ...

[Music swells.]

This is what I wish my every waking moment looked like:

Probably a Good Policy:

Only in New York

Or Weehawken, NJ, to be precise.

This morning I saw a squirrel pick up an empanada and shove his face between the crispy outer folds, swishing his mouth back and forth in the meaty section as if he were a frat boy in a pair of boobs.

Just thought you'd like to know.

Barack Obama Is My Valentine

Click it and FEEL BETTER! Then keep clicking! Thanks again to Diana.

In honor of Valentine's Day...

The online press can't stop buzzing about Mary-Louise Parker's engagement to Jeffrey Dean Morgan. (Understandably so, since everyone knows weddings involving six names are always huge affairs. Mary-Louise Parker-Morgan... is that a bride or a law firm? Hey-oh!)

At any rate, the New York Daily News were the first to break the story yesterday at 2:48 pm, which due to my new submersion in all things internet already seems like years ago. Which is why, when I was telling my cubby nabe about it this morning, I was shocked she hadn't heard.

Me: "Imagine getting engaged and having every website in the world write about it? Mary-Louise Parker is marrying Jeffrey Dean Morgan and people can't stop talking about it."

Cubby Nabe: "Who's Jeffrey Dean Morgan?"

Me: "He's the guy from Grey's Anatomy. The one with the heart condition."

CN: "Denny?! Oh my God, MLP is engaged to Denny?!"

Best quote ever.

I'm hoping that due to the telephone-game-esque nature of the internets this information will soon be warped into the headline:

MARY-LOUISE PARKER TO WED AT DENNY'S.

A girl can dream...

White People Like Stuff

Diana turned me on to a new website called Stuff White People Like. It's funny, and I get it, and I buy the truth of most of it - but I wonder, how long can a "gag" site like that really last? Once you've exhausted all of your initial ideas (lattes, money, slavery...) where do you go? And even before you've listed all of the things we like, how long does a list stay funny? Radar runs Top 100 lists - and that seems like a pretty high number to me. The folks at Stuff White People Like are already in the 60's. It'll be interesting to see how long they can keep the joke running... another thing white people like. Maybe SWPL is right. After all, these black people don't seem to be having a very good time:

They must not be good teachers, cuz they don't have any pupils! Hey-oh!

Also, their site reminds me a little of Black People Love Us (tho it's done sort of in reverse). BPLU was around before your Grandma had heard the word blog. Interesting.

One strike ends, another begins.

The women in this video are incredibly talented. Especially Matt McCarthy.

Look what you started, will.i.am.

Last Comic Standing Auditions

Nice recap by Sean McCarthy about the Last Comic Standing auditions. Congrats to Stone and Stone, God's Pottery and Esther Ku for making it to LA! Who else is going?

UPDATE: (via Shecky via The Apiary) The following additional people from Friday's Gotham showcase are going to LA:

Louis Ramey
Dan Naturman
Aparna Nancherla (from DC)

I met Dan Friday morning and he seems lovely. Louis has a hugely impressive resume. Aparna is a doll and has done my show a few times now. Good luck, everyone!

PVC 2nd Anniversary!

Here are some great photos by Brian Van that really capture the essence of the Poetry vs. Comedy Variety Show, taken February 6th at Bowery Poetry Club. Great comics, funny poets and zany character action combine with a little sassy judgement once a month to hilarious effect. The next show is March 26 @ 8 pm. Hope to see you there!

From Brian Van's Flickr set.

COMEDIANS:
Craig Baldo
Emily Epstein
Rachael Parenta

POETS:
Cristin O'Keefe Aptowicz
Robin Cloud
Zaedryn Meade

JUDGES:
Ann Carr
Livia Scott
Tionna Smalls

MUSICAL GUEST:
Jenn Lindsay

Hosted by:
Carolyn Castiglia

Jerry O'Connell is Funny

Have you seen this? I hadn't seen this! I totally get why Rebecca Romijn is with him. I bet they have a great time together. *dreamy sigh*

V Day

This is how Republicans crack jokes. Don't these seem like something your friend's Dad would make? You know the guy who sometimes says "towelheads" when he's not in "mixed company?"

Via ZeFrank.

Happy Feet

Guess what I got*?



And my niece Gabriela knitted me a bracelet to match. Word.

*The only good thing to come out of my Last Comic Standing audition.

Indecent Proposal

Earlier this evening, a gentleman by the name of Pervert B. Schlongnozzle brushed by me while strolling down 34th Street and gingerly whispered in my ear,

"What does your pussy smell like?"

What I said in response:

"Ugh. You're a f*cking dick!"

What I wish I'd said:

"Balloons."

Ash Wednesday

I just realized today was Ash Wednesday, the day when Catholics (and some other Christians, I guess) go to church and get burnt palms wiped on their foreheads in order to, um, think more about Jesus, I guess? I don't really remember anymore what I learned in church school about it. Then again, I don't really remember anymore what I learned in any school about anything. But I do know that whenever I see someone with ashes on their head, I feel that I should go get some immediately, you know, just in case.

THIS IS WHAT A GOOD PERSON LOOKS LIKE.

Anyhoo - I've decided I can't get ashes, because then I won't be able to put on makeup later. But I thought for a second, what if I asked the priest to just smear the ashes on my lids? You know, give me a smoky Jesus eye:

In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Smoke, Amen.

Of course on me, it would probably end up looking like this:

Given the fact that most Catholic priests are gay, it might just be the best free makeover I ever got. Certainly better than a day at the Clinique counter.

They're coming to take me away, ho-ho, hee-hee, ha-haaa! To the funny farm, where life is beautiful all the time and I'll be happy to see those nice young men girls in their clean white coats and they're coming to take me away, ha-haaa!!!!!

p.s. - This is the best picture I have ever seen:

Photo by David A. Sommers | The Saginaw News

The Rev. Charles F. Buckhahn, 55, of Bethlehem Lutheran Church burns palm crosses in preparation for Ash Wednesday. He joked that if church members saw this example of his "cooking," they probably wouldn't invite him to potlucks.

And if you threw a party...

Here's something fun to do on a Saturday night, arranged by my pal Lauren LoGiudice:

Click to see the image larger and read all the juicy details! Stay Golden!

Too hot!

Hey fans of nerdy/sexy - check out these pics of my girl Jen Dziura covered in Scrabble letters. My, oh my! Too hot to post here - my mom reads this. Via Susie.

White Girls, Inc.

Here are a few shots Sara Benincasa took at our shoot this weekend for a video series by Elon James White called White Girls, Inc. (There's a double meaning there, cuz Elon plays our boss, so we're his girls - AND we're white - it's amazing!)

Can't wait to see the final product!

LOLPols

LOL Democats???

Obamabook

Here's the Facebook event.

Here's the Facebook group.

And here's the ABC News/Facebook US Politics application.

Fun day in internets!

VOTE

Hysterical Fundraiser

Some pics from last night's fundraiser for the Hysterical Festival, featuring performances by Negin Farsad, Livia Scott, Julie Klausner, Sara Schaefer, Pat Candaras, Leibya Rogers (Mindy Raf), Carla Rhodes, Brown Girls Burlesque and hosted by birthday girl Desiree Burch. The shindig was held at Rapture Cafe on Ave. A, currently showing some incredibly colorful and somewhat phallic art, providing an interesting backdrop for what was an otherwise sapphic showcase.

Carla Rhodes crafted this gem of a joke about the painting in the center of the mosaic below: "What's yellow and green and pleasurable all over? Bat-wing Grace Jones with a dildo coming out of her head." (Click here to see the pic solo.)

Some more art:

And some cute ones from this set by Marianne Ways:

My set is here.

Intersections and Overlaps

I just found out Cybill Shepherd and I are soul mates. Listen to this:

The interview came to a brief halt. "Excuse me, I have to sing some opera," said Cybill Shepherd. She rose from the hotel-suite couch and let forth, full-throttle, with a few moments of an Italian aria. "That is my new reaction to panic." - from the Bay Area Reporter.

My hero! I have often said I am sure I could quit smoking for good if only I were able to sing out my stress in public instead of smoke. It's the same sensation, really. Smoking is just a terrible excuse for taking a slow, deep breath. A former acting teacher mentioned that, and only after I started smoking did I realize that was true. It's also a great excuse to take a break, which can be hard for non-smokers to find.

"Hey boss - can I go outside for just a minute and clear my head? You know, take a few deep breaths? Maybe relax for a minute?"

"What, are you crazy? Get back in your cube! I'm not paying you to relax."

"Hey, boss. Can I go take a smoke break?"

"Go ahead. I know you need it."