The fine folks at Radar published a great online tool where you can generate your very own Academy Award acceptance speech using mad libs. Here's how mine turned out. It's pretty much exactly what I've always planned on saying. (I've underlined the words left for me to fill in... in case you can't otherwise get the joke.)
YOUR OSCAR SPEECH
Wow. Oh boy. I wasn't going to prepare a speech, but my Adriana told me I'd jinx myself if I didn't. So, thanks, Stumps! [Pause. Inhale deeply. Nod to Jack Nicholson.] I'd like to thank the Academy. I'd like to thank the Sticky, Bootylicious, Crancktastic actors I was nominated with. Just to be included in a group with you all is an honor. I'd like to thank my manager, Zahava Meir, my agent, Ari, my stylist, and all the immensely talented people at New Line, Harvey Weinstein, Shawn Hollenbach, and Dr. Phil.
I'd also like to thank my parents, who supported me through falling on my face and burning my eyeball. And Ron Howard, my one ... true ... love [gaze into audience]. Last, but certainly not least, we all just lost Mel Brooks, a truly Sweaty visionary and FAN-FUCKING-TASTIC soul. [Begin tearing.] I'd like us to take a moment to ... No! Fan-fucking-tastic!! Don't start playing that music, I have 23 more people to go! My editor Jenny Rubin, my accountant Katina Corrao, my lawyer Ann Carr, and my personal assistant Livia Scott, Josh at Loch Ness Monster Pictures. Brad Grey. When we started this project, global warming was something no one wanted to talk about. Victims of Barack Obama, this is for you! Thank ...