It's Just Marie, Michele and I.

My friend Michele has a fun (and very sweet) recap on her blog about the rally for Barack last night. I just sent something to HuffPo so I will provide that link soon. I took some cool pictures, but I don't have the USB connector-thingy with me now so I'll have to post them later. Obama '08, y'all!

UPDATE: My HuffPo recap is here!

It Does a Body Good?

My buddy Nate over at The Apiary went and did it and posted about the one thing that's been on my mind all week: Curves Cereal.

When I saw the commercial for this amazing new product and realized that it was literally making women JUMP FOR JOY!, I tried to go buy a box. As it turns out, it's only for sale 3 hours a day, 5 days a week. And - if you are lucky enough to get a box when the store is open, you're only allowed to eat it for 30 seconds at a time. When you hear the buzzer, it's time to move to the next bowl.

Sorry, Curves. That sounds just a little too complicated for me. I think I'll stick with my Dove Cereal for Fat Ladies, instead.

p.s. - Is Tyra Banks their new spokesmodel? You go, girl!

Reed Walters is a Douchebag.

Update: This piece is now on The Huffington Post, here.

First, if you can, read his op-ed piece from today's Times in which he makes himself seem like an angel for following the letter of the law whilst conceding that he totally ignored the noose issue in Jena.

Secondly, read this, being my opinion on the Justice system in Louisiana:

The plight of the Jena 6 and Mychal Bell in particular was all over the news last week, with Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson and thousands of other black activists scaring the hell out of marching on that tiny Louisiana town. But why are they there? There’s no race problem in Jena. Just ask town librarian Barbara Murphy:

“We don’t have a race problem. It’s not black against white – it’s crime. The nooses? I don’t even know why they were there… what they were supposed to mean. There’s pranks all the time of one type or another goin’ on, and um… it just didn’t seem to be racist to me.”

Three nooses were hung after a black student ASKED PERMISSION to sit under “the white tree” and there’s no race problem in Jena? It was just a prank? Of course! Nooses are known the world over as being friendly symbols of jest. Why, I saw this rug at Urban Outfitters just the other day:

It was on the clearance rack.

The scary part is, Barbara Murphy is not alone in her ivory tower of racial harmony. District Attorney Reed Walters swears up and down that race is not an issue in the case of Mychal Bell. As reported by NPR and the Associated Press, he feels the real problem is that no one is paying attention to the white assault victim, Justin Barker, saying, “With all the emphasis on the defendant, the injury done to him (Barker) and the serious threat to his existence has become a footnote.”

Serious threat to his existence? He attended a ceremony at school the same night he was attacked! Mychal Bell was charged with aggravated second-degree battery, which requires the use of a deadly weapon, that weapon of course being his sneaker. I’ve lived in New York for 7 years, and I’ve smelled some pretty nasty foot funk in that time, but I’ve never, ever been held up by a Nike. Mychal Bell was a 16-year-old boy tried as an adult and convicted by an all-white jury. Though his conviction was overturned, he’s still in jail and being relentlessly pursued by Reed Walters. “No Justice, No Peace” seems to be the slogan on both sides of this abysmal dispute that centers on the fate of black Americans.

"This case has been portrayed by the news media as being about race," Walters said. "And the fact that it takes place in a small southern town lends itself to that portrayal. But it is not and never has been about race. It is about finding justice for an innocent victim and holding people accountable for their actions…. I cannot overemphasize what a villainous act that was. The people that did it should be ashamed of what they unleashed on this town."

Just what have they unleashed, Mr. Walters? A balance of power? According to information collected in 2005 by the US Census Bureau, the state of Louisiana is 64% white and 33% black. There are 41 District Attorneys in the state, 35 of whom I found photographs of online. Take a look at the results:

Notice anything odd? Like the fact that there’s only ONE black District Attorney pictured here? (Not to mention the fact that even Camille A. “Cam” Morvant, despite my hopes he was a she, is a white guy. Don’t get me started, gurl!) Eddie J. Jordan, Jr., the black man in question (because apparently down South black men are always in question) represents Orleans Parish, and is, interestingly enough, listed last on the Louisiana District Attorneys Association website. (Move to the front of the bus, Eddie!) Orleans Parish is home of the city of New Orleans, where the black people used to live before Hurricane FEMA.

In search of fairness, let’s presume the 6 DA’s not pictured here ARE black. Even still, that’s 7 out of 41, equaling 17%. Yet 33% of Louisiana residents are black, so is it any wonder black people are being treated unfairly by the justice system? And that’s me being very generous in my presumption that all 6 missing DA’s are black when in my heart I doubt a single one of them is.

Now, this is not to say that a white man cannot give a black man a fair trial. (I mean, we’ve all seen To Kill a Mockingbird.) But still, I smell something fishy. Oh wait, that’s not fish. It’s institutionalized racism, which smells way worse.

Even the white man all the way at the top, George W. Bush, has voiced his opinion on what’s, you know, going on in Jena. "The events in Louisiana have saddened me, and I understand the emotions," he said. "The Justice Department and the FBI are monitoring the situation down there. And all of us in America want there to be, you know, fairness when it comes to justice." You know. Fairness. That’s why I sent the FBI to monitor the, you know, blacks (slaves). Because I want to make sure they don’t, you know, riot (revolt). I’d hate to have the white folks down there experience injustice. After all, what did they do?...

Before anyone comments that my bleeding heart thinks it’s okay for a black boy to beat up a white kid, I don’t. I hate violence. But a punishment should always fit the crime, and the charge of Attempted Murder fits the Jena 6 the way a dress from Lane Bryant would fit Kate Moss.

When I was touring a show in Alabama a few years ago, I met a convict just about to be released from jail who told me, “Black men come to Alabama on vacation and leave on probation.” I’ll never forget that, and not just because it rhymes. But because sadly, in this day and age, and in the case of the Jena 6, that type of blanket statement still holds true.

Biddies 4 Ever!

Last night I had the great pleasure of opening for the tremendous band The Lascivious Biddies, known as New York's only all-girl cocktail pop quartet. But what they really should be known as is awesome! My friend Shawn met me half-way through the show and at the end of one number was shouting, "I love these girls! I wish I had some pull in my life so I could do something for them." I mentioned that on stage as I was giving away a prize toward the end of the show, and lead singer Lee Ann Westover retorted, "Well, your parts work don't they?" She's a brilliant singer and a witty gem, like a modern-day Judy Garland. I was totally in awe and thoroughly entertained throughout the show, so hopefully we'll be working together again soon! They're playing in the New York area all fall, so be sure to check out a show. Visit their MySpace profile for details!

In addition to it being a great show (with a great audience, I might add) it was also a nice farewell moment for me to the Performance Space at Mo Pitkin's. As I quickly posted below, I just found out that Mo's is closing October 20th. It's a much loved space by everyone in the downtown comedy community that has allowed me personally to do a lot of developing, and for that I will be forever grateful. Mo's is like a home to me, and I have so many memories of it I doubt I'll even be able to remember them all! There will be news to come on many websites I'm sure about the futures of all of the steady shows there, including Chicks, of course. So, as they say, stay tuned!

Mo Pitkin's is closing Oct 20.

Just got the news. Wanted to say that I was the first to blog it. Sad. More to come...

Bill O'Reilly Attends First Football Game, Surprised To Find There Were No Guns on Field

Check out my latest piece on The Huffington Post about Bill O'Reilly's most recent gaffe!

It's All Fun and Games Until Somebody Loses a Baby

I never thought I would say this, but:

POOR BRITNEY SPEARS.

I mean, I know the girl is, um, troubled, but seriously? Would you really rather give her kids to Kevin Federline? The dude you all hated the entire time he and Britney were together?

I say "you all" because of course this case is being tried by the court of the celebrity media, not by an actual judge. Most likely, the actual judge in the custody battle will not take Britney's rights away because the court often sides with the mother.

Does that mean that Britney is June Cleaver? No. Possibly June Cleavage (which will be my burlesque name when I finally decide to show my FUPA in public). I mean, I've got a kid and I've done all the trashtastic stuff Britney does, except cocaine. And I've never put my kid on my lap while driving. And I've never given the baby a bath in $100 bills. Okay, I don't have any photographic evidence that she's done that but you know she totally has. I mean, I would.

And that's just it, isn't it? Aside from the superstoopid things Britney has done (partying, some driving issues), every single one of us has made the mistakes she's made. Who hasn't gone swimming in their underwear at least once in their life? Who doesn't sometimes fumble around with a pack of cigs, car keys and a Diet Coke in their hands? Who hasn't walked around in a Cheeto carrying a bag of bikinis? (Oh, that last one is just me? Fair enough.)

And let's not even talk about the accidents that happen to us girls with babies! Yes, Britney's kid fell out of his high chair - EVERYONE'S kids fall out of or off of stuff. Hell, I dropped my kid on an airplane! How about that? My hubz was passing her to me over the seat in between us and he let go before I had a good grip on her. She fell and banged her head against the back wall of first class. (I like to accentuate the fact that we were in the row behind first class instead of describing it as the "row in front of the toilet.") The stewardess ran over and breathlessly asked, "Is she okay?" I scooped her up swiftly, held her against me and said, "she's fine" as if it was no big deal, but of course my heart was thumping out of my chest. And she was fine. God made babies out of rubber so they'd bounce.

I'm writing all this because I read in US Weekly (but you guys should totally be reading Life & Style instead! Or do what I do and read them all...) that people say she doesn't want to be a mother and that she's distant even when the boys are on her lap, but I just don't buy it. Every picture I've ever seen of Britney with her kids makes her seem like a very doting, albeit imperfect, parent. All I'm saying is, everything we think we know about Britney is just hearsay, or as she puts it on the cover of her website, "You'll Never See It My Way, Because You're Not Me." Yes, it's in red. And yes, it's a little creepy. But Britney's got a good sense of humor about herself, too. Look at this note to her "die-hard fans:"

I thought maybe the link would take me to a picture of her covered in poo giving us all the finger, but it just directs you to her fan site. Boo.

What really gets me in all of this is that K-Fed is clearly seeking full custody out of spite, because he's no less guilty of whatever crimes he's listed as being Britney's offenses. And the fact of the matter is, he was out committing all of them while they were still married. If he really cared about his kids, he'd have been there then. So I say it's too late now...

Of course Britney needs some professional help, but I don't think taking her boys away is the right thing to do. Girl, if I can tell you one thing (cuz I know I saw your IP address on my SiteMeter - come on, now!), what you've got to do is suck it up and make nice-nice with yo mama. Have her help you take care of the babies and get your life straight. You can still get a little party on, just not every single night. And put on some underwear, gurl. Everybody wants to look at your cute kids, but not everybody wants to see where they came from...

Two Things I am Super-Psyched About:

First of all, this:

Uh, thank you for making all my dreams come true, Baby Jesus!

Secondly, this:

Elizabeth: The Golden Age, muthafluffers!

Cate Blanchett is the hottest thing since Global Warming. I think she is my first official celebrity girl crush. I've always liked her in everything I've seen her in, but I guess after seeing Notes on a Scandal, I figure if Dame Judy can try to hit that shit, why can't I? Look at this picture my friend Diana just sent me:

Um, wowzers! Yum! Delish! etc.

RENAISSANCE FAIRE DORK, RIGHT HERE! GOD YE GOOD DEN, PEOPLE!

Radio Appearance Tomorrow Morning

Wednesday, September 19
6am-8am PST (9 am in NYC)
KUCI 88.9 FM in Irvine
Streaming 24/7 at http://www.kuci.org/
Janeane Bernstein, DJ/"Momz Rock the House"

Cuz I have a kid, and you know, I rock the house.

Update: I just tried the website and it's not working. That's what happens when you book high-powered, super-glamorous gigs. They're very exclusive. Sorry about that, guys. This one goes out to you, Irvine... and especially you, Robert Cohen. (How does a man in that cowboy hat tell girls of medium builds in his book Acting One they will never have careers unless they are skinny or fat??? Get along, little doggie!)

Update 2: Just did the spot. Did anyone hear it? Anyone? Bueller?

Wonderful Week

I know my posting of late has been sporadic at best, so it's probably not the time to get self-indulgent, but since that's pretty much the definition of blogging, I figure why not? Ultimately, despite any public readership, this online journal will serve as a memento for me of my time in the Big City when I'm old and grey and dying in New Mexico. (Where all great Hollywood celebs go to die. Just ask Julia Roberts.) Anyhoo - I've had a wonderful week, which feels pretty good given the fact that my life has been nothing but topsy-turvy since July. So, I thought I'd throw up a little pictorial chronicle of it here for everyone's judgment enjoyment.

TUESDAY

Did a great show called Chicks and Giggles: Patriot Edition which got a shout-out in the Daily News. Thanks, Shawn!

Click to see full size.

Also did Pillow Talk with Anthony Moskowitz (mentioned above) with my very talented friend Livia Scott. It's a send-up of a man named "Mystery" and his book "The Game," which inspired the hit (?) VH1 show, The Pickup Artist. You should go see the second show this Tuesday at 10 pm at RiFiFi.

WEDNESDAY

Opened the show at the marvelous (standing room only) Stripped Stories, hosted by Giulia Rozzi and Margot Leitman. Everyone was so funny - it's such a cathartic show - I highly recommend going!

Giulia (L) and Margot (R) with the man known only as Morpheus. If you're thinking, "Wow, Laurence Fishburne has really gotten pale," I understand. But this is not The Matrix, kids. This is NYC, which is way weirder. Morpheus is a Clark Kent lookin' kind of dude who turns into a sex Superman at night. He runs alternative parties all over the city, ie tickling, cuddling, spanking, you know - everyday stuff you'd want to bring your Mom to when she visits. The best thing about Morpheus, besides the fact that he seems like a really nice guy, is watching him hand his business cards out with tremendous confidence. If he can solicit the table of straight girls I was sitting with into a lesbian erotica party, I can damn well get a commercial agent!

Hanging in Sadie's Lounge at Mo Pitkin's afterwards with Blanca, Michelle Buteau and Lianne Stokes.

THURSDAY

Spanked the superfun High School Talent Show at UCB. Here are a few pics of me getting my first pigtails ever (!) and the full SATB glory of the Upper Central High School Show Choir.

Shawn Hollenbach, Mindy Raf, Adolpho Blaire and me.

FRIDAY

Did the last performance (for now) of the hilarious musical Hipster Cinderella (a Village Voice Choice). It was packed and the show was on fire. There's a tape, which I hope to put on You Tube as soon as I get it.

SATURDAY

Did a really fun stand-up show at The Limerick House on 23rd Street with Charlie Kasov and a bunch of other young guys who I think are really funny. It's called Drunken Focus Group and it's free every Saturday so you should go check it out.

And now I must go rehearse with the magical and handsome Rick Younger for his show tomorrow, which I have listed below. Thanks to the universe for a fantastic week and to all the human people who were a part of it. Happy Fall!

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 17 @ 7


The Rick Younger Show
Mo Pitkin's - 34 Ave. A (2nd/3rd)
$5

I'm doing a musical bit that I think will knock your socks off, so don't wear flip-flops, okay?

Don't be fooled by immitations!

Start your fall off right, people:


Tuesday, Sept. 4th @ 8 pm
Mo Pitkin's - 34 Ave. A (2nd/3rd)
FREE!

Featuring:

Michelle Buteau (Premium Blend, Aspen)
Maggie Champagne (Slumber Party)
Amy Crossfield (First time on the show! Woop!)
Rachel Feinstein (Premium Blend, Montreal)
Stephanie Holmes (Crash Comedy at Stand Up New York)
Brooke Van Poppelen (Invite Them Up)

Hosted by Carolyn Castiglia (VH1)

Browser Bar Roulette Part 437

Websites that totally should exist, but don't:

http://whoelsedoihate.com/

http://ionlyneedtwohoursofsleep.com/

http://iwantaburrito.com/

http://iwonderifitwillallworkout.com/

And... a url that I picked randomly that does in fact exist!

http://monkeyfart.com/

I emailed the webmaster to see if I can get an email address, like carolyn@monkeyfart.com. We'll see! (PLEASE PRAY FOR ME!)

Target Market

As most of you I'm sure are well aware, the social networking website MySpace likes to use all of the personal data it collects about its users to generate very specific advertising on each user's homepage. So, for example, if you've told MySpace that you're gay, you might see an ad for something gay people want, like HIV. Or if you describe yourself as not wanting kids, you might see a picture of a girl in a Pro-Choice tee crying and holding a hanger. You know, stuff like that. I've listed myself on MySpace as a "proud parent," so I see ads for things that really speak to me, like adorable little 2 year old girls all wrapped up in pink!

Isn't she adorable?! Let's see that again, only a little closer this time:

I wonder what will happen if I click on her face? Something scary, I guess. Maybe they'll tell me that by the time my daughter enters the workforce she still won't make equal pay for equal work. Ooh - scary! Or maybe they'll tell me that gay couples won't be allowed to marry by the time I'm dead. Sorry, Senator Craig! (Oh wait, you're not gay. My bad!) Or maybe they'll tell me that there's a big, bad monster lurking under my bed! Oh no!

Nope. They just took me to Facebook. {sigh}