Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Commute

Here's how I got from Mo Pitkin's to Weehawken last night.

Scene: Interior of a taxi cab. Two girls get in the back.

Maria: I don't know Carolyn, I just feel like I'm on a hamster wheel of doing the same shows...

Carolyn: I know, but you're doing great. You just have to keep getting up all the time and people will call you.

: What? Yous girls comedians or sumin?

Maria: Yeah.

: DO SOME JOKES!

Maria: No.

: Why not? I said do your rant for me!

Carolyn: Hey dude, what is this? Taxi Driver? Take it easy, De Niro.

: YOU TALKIN' TO ME?

Carolyn: No, dude. Calm down.

: They said I could be a comic. They said I was funny. My friends all told me...

Maria: Why didn't you?

: I am. I did. You ever heard of a little thing called HBO?

Carolyn: Taxicab Confessions?

: No. Cash Cab.


(Pause)

Maria: I've done Cash Cab.

: Yeah. They gave me $4000, but they didn't air it. They didn't like that I had ideas for them. But HBO did. They liked me. I took a guy once to CT. He wasn't goin' there. He fell asleep, and when he woke up I had to give him $100. I had to give him $100 just to get him to shut up. It was hilarious. They weren't filming it or anything, tho. I just did that. On my own.

(Pause)

: Where you goin'? You want me to take you to Weehawken?

Carolyn: No. Maria, wanna come over to my place tonight? (Winks.)

Maria: Yeah.

: WHAT? YOU SCARED OF ME NOW?

Maria: No.

: You scared I'm gonna take you to CT?

Carolyn: No, we're just having a meeting.

: OH YEAH RIGHT, YOU'RE SCARED OF ME NOW! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

(The girls throw money in the front seat and exit the cab.)

: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! YOU'RE SCARED OF ME! (Honks horn wildly and throws confetti (blood drops?) out the window, drives off.) SCARED OF MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!........


Carolyn hugs Maria, who is crying and covered in "confetti." Maria gets in another cab. Carolyn walks to the line for the 'Hawken Jitney and stands behind a man in a business shirt. A homeless woman with a black flannel shirt wrapped around her head walks up.


Homeless: Can you spare some change, sir? I don't have a home.


Man in shirt gives her change.


Homeless: You ain't gonna give no mo'? After all that? You gonna f*ck with me? I'll call the cops on you!


Man in shirt: What?


Homeless: I'll call the cops on you if you're gonna f*ck with me.


Man in shirt: But I gave you change...


Homeless: AND YOU GOT ALL THEM $20'S IN YOUR POCKET! AFTER YOU BUILT ALL THIS! (grand gesture toward Port Authority) THAT'S GONNA BE SWALLOWED BY THE EARTH - IT'S GONNA GO BACK TO THE EARTH - AND I AIN'T GOT NO PLACE TO LIVE....


Man in shirt: God bless you, too, lady...


Homeless: THE WHITE BEAR IN THE SKY IS GONNA COME TAKE IT ALL! (She walks off, not talking to anyone else in the line.)


Carolyn: Wow. I would have said something if I wasn't afraid she'd kill me.


Man in shirt: That's what I get for giving...


So. True.


'Hawken Jitney appears.


: Boulevard East? Hop on!


Carolyn shuffles to middle of the bus and sits in the window seat next to a Handsome, Young, African Man. They look at each other and smile. The bus takes off. The floor drops beneath their feet.


Carolyn: Do you feel the floor moving beneath our feet?


HYAM: Yes, I feel it.


Carolyn: Man, this bus is held together with duct tape!


The bus goes over a bump, and the wall feels like it's about to fall off.


Carolyn: Okay - if the bus falls apart, grab that poll.


HYAM: Ha-ha, ok. (He is unfazed. Maybe it reminds him of home?)


The bus travels, accordion-like, through the Lincoln Tunnel. As it pulls out into the Weehawken night and rounds the steep curve of the highway, the tires begin to rub against the metal side of the bus.


Carolyn: Um, I think something is burning.


: Really? I don't smell anything.


Carolyn: Oh. Are you sure? Cuz it smells like burnt rubber back here.


Carolyn: Anyway, next stop! Thanks. Have a good night. See you tomorrow...