Well, I threw my back out at the park yesterday. It was funny - I was, um, breathing, and then all of a sudden - ah! I can't move. Yeah, you know you're out of shape when the one involuntary activity meant to keep you alive tries to kill you. I just stopped a sneeze because it hurt too much.
In case it sounds creepy that I was just alone "breathing" in the park, never fear: I was there with my little tot Adriana, who's getting more and more active by the day. I haven't really gotten a lot of exercise since she was born, and I've always sucked at sports. The only real activity I've done in the last year-and-a-half is breastfeeding, and I quit that after two months because I sucked at that, too. Well, actually, she sucked at it, but you get my drift.
I had to quit because the baby wasn't gaining enough weight, but I was really reticent to give it up since every time you breastfeed you burn 500 calories. That's an amazing workout! Just sitting there all day with your feet up, having mini-orgasms while your kid does all the work, and at the end you get rewarded with an entire pizza all to yourself?! I think I'm going to petition that breastfeeding be an Olympic sport. Because even though I've proven I'm not that great at it, I'd love a chance to participate in those time trials.
"Ah, Ms. Castiglia? You're not actually producing any milk. I'm sorry, you've been disqualified."
"Oh, that's cool man, do I still get the pizza? I still get the pizza, right?"
My Lamaze coach even suggested that breastfeeding mothers should have a beer for lunch while they're "training." Sweet! A sport that encourages you to be honest about your drug use. I love it!
"Ah, Ms. Castiglia, everyone's wondering how you filled up that bottle so fast. We've checked your pump and it seems to be industry standard. Are you taking any substances that are enhancing your performance?"
"Yeah. Guiness. I keep it on tap. I like to think of my milk as 'the original Shamrock Shake.' Except it's not green. 'Cause that would be gross."
In case it sounds creepy that I was just alone "breathing" in the park, never fear: I was there with my little tot Adriana, who's getting more and more active by the day. I haven't really gotten a lot of exercise since she was born, and I've always sucked at sports. The only real activity I've done in the last year-and-a-half is breastfeeding, and I quit that after two months because I sucked at that, too. Well, actually, she sucked at it, but you get my drift.
I had to quit because the baby wasn't gaining enough weight, but I was really reticent to give it up since every time you breastfeed you burn 500 calories. That's an amazing workout! Just sitting there all day with your feet up, having mini-orgasms while your kid does all the work, and at the end you get rewarded with an entire pizza all to yourself?! I think I'm going to petition that breastfeeding be an Olympic sport. Because even though I've proven I'm not that great at it, I'd love a chance to participate in those time trials.
"Ah, Ms. Castiglia? You're not actually producing any milk. I'm sorry, you've been disqualified."
"Oh, that's cool man, do I still get the pizza? I still get the pizza, right?"
My Lamaze coach even suggested that breastfeeding mothers should have a beer for lunch while they're "training." Sweet! A sport that encourages you to be honest about your drug use. I love it!
"Ah, Ms. Castiglia, everyone's wondering how you filled up that bottle so fast. We've checked your pump and it seems to be industry standard. Are you taking any substances that are enhancing your performance?"
"Yeah. Guiness. I keep it on tap. I like to think of my milk as 'the original Shamrock Shake.' Except it's not green. 'Cause that would be gross."
