Thursday, February 08, 2007

Haterade

Or is it Hatorade? I often ask myself if it's Gatorade or Gayterade, so I don't know. But I'll have to default to the Mary J. Blige spelling, since that woman knows a thing or two about hateration, holleratin' and this dance for me.

Cindy Lou Anywho! I've never been one to jump on the now defunct Dane Cook sucks bandwagon, but I happened to be trolling MySpace looking for a Valentine when I came upon his "Dancecast." Wowzers does that man have absolutely nothing to say! Which is fine, and can be funny in its own right, except the problem is - it's not.

Here are some gems from the first two minutes:

"I'm just in a Halen mood." (Yeah - as in Van.)

"When I started the SuFi - the Super Finger.... I thought, 'How great would it be to have a symbol or initials or something cool?'"

"Let me cut to traffic right now with Dexter Finley up in the chopper!" (AWKWARD...)

"What's up world? I hope everybody's good! And if you're not, that f*ckin' stinks."

"I had a great time at the Golden Globes. That room was certainly filled with a lot of talent."

"Eddie Van Halen - one of the greatest guitarists ever to walk this globe."

"I'm in one of those random modes." (Wow. Are you my high school boyfriend?)

"When Prince walked into the room.... the first thing he said was 'Ow'!"

I had to stop after that. Well, the last thing I heard was, "Salma Hayek's breas..." I think I know where that one was gonna end.

Now obviously comedy is subjective and yada yada yada, but I think Cook's critics agree that what Dane stinks of is not lack of talent per se, but just sheer laziness. You can hear in his voice that he knows his fans are a decade younger than him. His podcast smacks of a 30-year old gay Jordan Knight reaching out to 10-year-old prepubescent, braces-clad girls. He must know it in his soul that he's given up or sold out or lost his touch. But he still trudges on. And I think that's where he loses respect. Pack it in for a while. Go to Africa. Live on a farm in Ohio. Find what's real again.

Or just keep mumbling some late-night stream-of-consciousness over the muted strains of Van Halen's "Jump." But in doing so know that's exactly what you make your critical listeners want to do.