Precisely what is wrong with our nation.

It should read:

Whose, O'Donnell and Free*.

*You idiot. Who answers this shit? People who don't know the difference between whose and who's, that's who! Nothing is free! Now pay attention to your little brother - he's about to pee in the plants.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

I know some of you may be saying, "Hey Captain Lazy Videoblogger! What's up?!" But I should tell you, I've never had this many videos of myself available before, so I thought I would share them with you. And this one involves STAND-UP COMEDY! Yee-haw! Plus a little music, of course, since it comes from The (Holiday) Mix Tape at Ars Nova. I jam at the end with Shockwave and my girl Adira Amram. Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Kick-ass Kwanzaa, Super Solstice and all the rest! I might not blog again until 2007, but certainly not 'til after Christmas, so enjoy!

This one's for my Dad.

Thanks, Katina.

The Good News

I've moved on to the regionals in the Funniest Mom contest. They're January 23 at The Laugh Factory. Don't get too psyched - I don't get to perform for an audience. Just a panel of three celebrity judges. Please let it be Lindsay, Paris and Britney! Please!

Anyway - all crossed fingers are appreciated.

The bad news? There is none! (I mean, it's not like we're at war and the earth is gonna implode by 2024.) Pick up a copy of Life & Style - on newsstands today! - for more jokes from me.

La-la-la-la-love,
Carolyn

UPDATE (1/5): The Funniest Mom show is in front of an audience but it's not really open to the public. It's crazy. But anyway - that's much better to hear! At least that way Britney and I won't have to have that awkward moment of comparing c-scars alone.

And speaking of white rappers!

Has anyone seen this?



I had only seen this:

Let the games begin!

Just remember now... sugar and splice and everything nice - that's what TV shows are made of. You hear me now? Serch LOVED me! Of course Paul is more my type...

The Mix Tape: Volume Two

Here's a nice vid someone took of me, Shockwave and Eliza Skinner rocking it out at Ars Nova. Enjoy!

Vs.

Where I could be:

Cape Town, South Africa

VS.

Where I am now:

Awesome?

You decide.

Bearly Hangin'

I'm feeling a little confounded right now, like something is brewing - something big - something where I'll have to test myself and burst out of a cocoon and be fabulous/possibly kick some ass. Literally. Like I think I might turn into a glittery butterfly and walk up to a random donkey and kick it.

So I did what I often do when I'm looking for a way to express my feelings - I did a Google image search of the phrase I feel best captures my mood. This time it was, "nobody gives a shit." Here's what I got:

That's poetic.

Look at it. Doesn't that bear just scream, "Fuck you, world!" To me, it says, "I'm gonna cheer and wear yellow and purple together whether you like it or not!" And, "You can make fun of the fact that I'm still wearing my tag. You can comment on the fact that I'm a stuffed bear with shaved legs. You can talk about the fact that my sneakers are actually sewn into my skin. I don't care. To quote Edie Brickell, 'What I am is what I am is what you are oh why'."

Now, I don't know if that makes the bear an asshole, or the bear-haters an asshole, which I guess is the crux of my quandary. It's pretty hard to determine the assholes on an island where even the nicest people are really just the nicest assholes, and I suppose thus deserve to be referred to as anuses. Really nice, tight anuses.

Here's my point. Whether or not that bear is the asshole is irrelevant. The point is, that bear is dressed and ready to go, so let's deal with her. I mean, she's got a friging bow in her hair! Now, from the looks of her, I don't think that bow is ironic in any way. I think it's sincere. And I think she better watch out, or somebody is gonna question her motives, accuse her of not being savvy and walk away thinking, "Ha! I know I have the same exact bow in my hair, but mine is totally a joke."

Which begs the question: does she pretend that her bow is a joke, too, or should she just wear her bow the same way she always has and let other people decide if there's any real difference? I guess in this case if it's sewn onto her head she's sort of stuck, left hoping there are some anuses out there that will still think it's cool anyway.

Or should she just ignore everyone and keep cheering for the Vikings? (The answer is, "Of course! It's what she was made to do.") Which is fine, really, because even though the Vikings don't always win, they sure do go to the playoffs a lot.

Sometimes the jokes just write themselves...

Ars Nova Winter Prom 2006

Fortunately I remember most of it, though I did drink in a way a woman with a child should not. Luckily, Adriana was really great in dealing with my hangover. (A skill I guess she learned in utero.)


Shockwave is so dreamy... {sigh}


Kid Lucky, channeling Mick Jagger.



AT LEAST IT'S PINK




Jessica "My Pussy is Magic" Delfino


Mayor Christopher X. Brodeur: Touching Me, Touching You. (This photo pretty much encapsulates my night.)

On a side note, I met PJ, one of the boyfriends in Shortbus who was a doll and a half. We were laughing about mutual friends and lip gloss. There were shitloads of fabulous people there, but you know, my camera only holds 18 pictures, so, this of course is the cream of the crop.


With Eliza Skinner - things get blurrier as the night goes on...


Erin without her cello and Shawn Hollenbach.


With my boy Paul Case and our old friend Jess McLeod.


This is who made sure I got into a cab. I named every headache I had today after each one of you.

THURSDAY

Where the stanzas and the stand-ups collide...

Cheryl B. Presents:
PVC: The POETRY vs. COMEDY VARIETY SHOW
December 7th, 8PM
Galapagos Arts Space
70 North 6th Street, Brooklyn
L Train to Bedford Ave.
FREE

EMCEE: Miss CKC, y'all.

Comedians -
Joe Dixon (NYC Comedian)
Lang Fisher (VH1's Best Night Ever Podcast)
Jenny Rubin (Oh My God)

Poets -
Anne Elliott (Pindeldyboz)
Gloria (Kanipchen-fit)
Hal Sirowitz (NPR, MTV, PBS)

MUSICAL GUEST -
The Goddess Perlman (TLC, MTV, Metro Channel)

Judges: Margaret Dodge, Allen Warnock, Becky Yamamoto

THIS SHOW IS FUN ON A PLATE!

One of these days, Alice... Bang, zoom, to the moon!

NASA announced yesterday that they plan to complete a permanent base on the moon by 2024.

So now we all know how long we have left before the Earth blows up. You can hang out til 2023, but after that start packing your bags - and hope Lance Bass will give you a ride.

Coincidentally, if all goes well, my daughter Adriana should be a part of the Class of 2024. I can just see her and her friends at the Crater High School prom, dancing to hits like "Earth River" and "Fly Me to the Earth... let me play among the trees." Kids will be trying to out-do each other at the Earthwalk...

"Nah, man. You gotta get some more gravity in your step, dawg."

If the kids are lucky, at the end of the dance the T-Birds will bend over and Earth everyone. Oh! Good times...

New York, NY, a hell of a town.

The New York City Health Board voted today to ban the use of trans fats in restaurants. In a related story, several restaurants are reportedly considering banning fat trannies as well. The loss of fat trannies from area establishments may result in the renaming of the Meatpacking District.

Overheard at a McDonald's in Times Square

9 year old tourist: "Wow! This is the coolest McDonald's I've ever been to!"

Sadly, I can relate.