I swear to God, if I see this picture one more time...

I'm gonna have to scoop my own eye out with a spoon.

I just can't look at this guy anymore. I mean, I'm terribly sorry he was poisoned and all that, but at this point I've seen him on his deathbead so many times, I'd rather be tied up to a bed and forced to watch Powder and Phenomenon over and over with Terry Schiavo.

Terry's last words: "I love that movie Phenomenon. It really shows Travolta's range."

Obviously these poisioning articles are not gonna stop rolling in, but may I suggest we move to a new accompanying illustration?

Ah, much better. I mean, these guys have been taking Poison for 20 years and they look amazing!

Conversation I Had Tonight in Burger King on 116 and Lex

Peddler (carrying two black diaper bags): Yo mami, I got baby bags right here - two dollas. Two dollas, brand new. Two dollas.

Me: Oh, no thanks. I'm good. Thanks.

Peddler (stressing the quality of the wares): Brand new. Two dollas.

Me: No, no thanks.

Peddler (shuffling off, talking to himself): No, you don't need a baby bag. Brand new for two dollas. You wanna go buy a WHITE bag new for fifty bucks.

Me (silently, to myself): No, dude, I just don't wanna pay two dollars for a diaper bag anyone can get for free. I have one, in fact.

And don't worry, it's black.

Photo courtesy of Ebay, where this gem is being sold for $5 plus $8.50 shipping. I guess that peddler really was offering me a deal.

It's my birthday and I'll wear a bird in my hair if I want to.

Thank you, Brian.

Visions of my hometown...

***

"Toto, I’ve a feeling we’re not in Harlem anymore."

Is that scarecrow wearing... blackface? Yes, why yes he is.
Looks like he's trying to scare away old Jim Crow...

Now, let me make it clear, since any time race is mentioned on this blog someone ends up calling me retarded and then the mother of a retarded child ends up getting mad about it: I don't think the person who made this scarecrow did so with ill intent or even any kind of cognizance that it looks like Al Jolson singing Mammy. That's what's so fascinating to me. Kind of like the time my mother told me that she named her black poodle Sammy, short for Little Black Sambo, because, "We didn't know, Carolyn. We just thought it was a cute story." At least she didn't name him Kunta and call him Toby...

***

Ooh! Looks like there's gonna be a gala on New Year's Eve!

What are they serving?

Oh - whore derves. Of course.

***

The Church of St. John the Evangelist:

Not to be confused with St. John the Baptist. St. John the Evangelist was a Galilean, the son of Zebedee and Salome, and younger brother of St. James the Great, with whom he was brought up to the trade of fishing. St. John the Baptist had no head.

This is the church I grew up attending. It's in total disrepair. Windows are broken, the brick is crumbling - it made me so sad to see that. There are no masses here anymore; I don't even know if the diocese still owns the building. I spent so much time here as a child. As a very little girl, a man I knew as Father Donovan would say to me, "Well, if I'da known you were comin' Carolyn I woulda baked you a cake." We went to church every week. He knew I was coming.

WHERE'S MY CAKE, FATHER DONOVAN?! Where's my cake?...

Most importantly, St. John's church is where I fell in love with my first gay man. I won't type his name here for fear of I don't know what but I will say for those savvy enough to know that his name is the same as the lawyer character in the Broadway musical Chicago. That probably should have tipped me off. I smell an altar name... Pew! (Get it?! P-U. Pew? Oh! That kills in Vatican City.)

***

The Oswego River:

St. John the Evangelist and St. James the Great, rollin' on the river.

You know what they say, "Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he'll never work again."

***

There's a sort of hippie enclave just above the riverbank on Water Street where I spent a lot of time as a teen. This is the old Kathmandu clothing store:

In high school I didn't know Kathmandu was the kapital of Nepal. I just knew that this place sold silver rings and crinkly skirts and that made me feel good.

Blast you, Kathmandu! Because of our illicit affair people continued buying me celestial themed items well after my nose ring came out and I started shaving again.

***

This is where I first had Sex on the Beach. In a bar on the river. I was 14. It was delicious.

***

I know I've previously mentioned a bit about Oswego's historical importance during WWII - and I thought I'd mentioned our involvement in the Underground Railroad, but I guess not, since when I searched my blog nothing came up. I can remember as a child reading a book about Harriet Tubman following the North Star to freedom and then learning at the H. Lee White Marine Museum that she might have come through town and hid in a cubby that was someone's jam closet. That really moved me. Maybe that scarecrow is not so far away from home after all...

***

At the end of the day, a beautiful twilight vista in my parents' backyard. There's an urban myth that the colors of the sunset are actually produced by pollution in the air. I've read that that's not true, but I don't know. Oswego is home to some of the most amazing sunsets in the world, so is it any small coincidence that we're also home to Nine Mile Point Nuclear Power Plant?

You decide.

It's the Holiday Season...

As Andy Williams once sang... so I'm making one final post before my Thanksgiving retreat in Upstate New York. If you're staying in the city for the weekend, I highly recommend you go see the Holiday Train Show at the New York Botanical Garden. It's totally worth the $18 you'd otherwise spend on vodka and sadness.

Here's (200) proof:

All the buildings and bridges are made with branches and berries, people! That'll make you think twice the next time you flush your left over Kashi... it could have been art.

Hecklers, beware!

Look, if you come to my show tonight and you start yelling some stoopit shite from the audience, you need to know that like any other comic working today I might snap and fly off into a tirade. Because I want to be on Letterman just like everybody else, and if I have to get there by apologizing for ranting like a lunatic, I will.

Oh, I'll talk about how your mother never loved you and that's why you feel the need to steal attention now or how your father beat you up in the back of his pickup which is why you overcompensate as an adult by trying to be the life of the party. And I'll say I only know because I've been there... but then I'll just start screaming, "You don't know me! But you should! 50 years ago I would have been on TV with a fork shoved up some pork roast's ass! But today I can't even get an audition!"

So watch out, hecklers. I will cut you. From my Christmas card list.

Deep-fried flag art exhibit causes controversy in military town.

An art exhibit in Nashville using the flag to depict Americans as obese was rapidly shut down by area residents who thought it was offensive. Upon hearing of their success, the locals went home and celebrated their victory, enjoying their just desserts.

Taco Dip

Charlie Daniels

In fact, there's an entire webpage at CakeCentral.com devoted to patriotic cakes, but you have to have a login in order to view the thumbnails full size. Could it be because the one cake without a lavish description attached to it (dead center on the page) is an abstracted Confederate flag? Why, I simply couldn't say. But it looks delicious!

It's such a shame Johnny Cochran is no longer with us...

To say things like, "If you don't know who the killer be, put OJ on TV."

But apparently, some people are just not interested in hearing OJ make a confession under the guise of fiction for a murder he was so pathetically acquitted of. Even Bill O'Reilly.

To quote Stockard Channing's legendary performance as Rizzo in the movie musical of the Broadway hit Grease, "Some people are so touchy."

I'll delete your back if you delete mine.

Hmm... considering that MySpace has been so strict about copyright infringement (two of my friends and fellow comedians have had their profiles vanish overnight) maybe MySpace's profile should be deleted?

I mean, honestly. Wouldn't it be a big relief if MySpace were just suddenly gone? I kinda miss being outside.

Mary Poppins Opened on Broadway Last Night

And I don't want to spoil it for you, but it's just like the movie. I mean, okay, they did make a few concessions to modernize the production a bit:

• Mary gets fired by Mr. Banks for feeding the children too much sugar (A Spoonful of Sugar, A British Bank)

• So she flirts with cocaine use (Supercalifragilistic-expialidocious)

• Which lands her in the gutter as a sex slave to Burt (Chim Chim Cher-ee, Step in Time)

• Until she finally finds redemption with her lesbian lover, Mrs. Banks (Sister Suffragette)

But other than that, it's the same. The woman playing the lead even sounds exactly like Julie Andrews - but she looks just like Brooke Shields, if Brooke Shields had really prominent eyebrows.

It depends on what your definition of "it" is.

"O.J. Simpson, in his own words, tells for the first time how he would have committed the murders if he were the one responsible for the crimes," said Fox in a statement for If I Did It, Here's How It Happened, the name for the television interview to be broadcast in two parts on Nov. 27 and Nov. 29.

First of all, I'm thrilled that part one of his interview is airing on my birthday. Secondly, I can't wait for all the related books that will inevitably follow this disaster.

IF I WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP, HERE'S HOW I PUT IT ON
by Tammy Faye Baker

Published 2007 by Wet-n-Wild Press

IF I WERE GAY, THIS IS HOW I'D HAVE SEX
A picture book by Tom Cruise

2008, That's Travolting Publishing


IF I WAS ANOREXIC, HERE'S WHAT I'D EAT
by Nicole Richie

Kaleifornia is the Place to Be Books, 2006

Slow News Day?

Not really. Here are some of the fruits of my loins so you have proof I've been busy doing something other than eating pudding:

Chicks and Giggles is featured in the Dec./Jan. issue of BUST Magazine. Click to view the article full size.

AND! We have a reel online now. You can see that here, on ifilm.

Plus, um, I have a daughter. And a performance calendar. And a MySpace profile.

And a nail-do to maintain.

They make it hard to type, but it's worth it.

Tip of the Day

Kale. It's not just a garnish anymore.

We had stamppot this weekend and it was so good! Welcome winter with a nice bit of boerenkool, won't you?

This veg has been around since before the middle ages. It knows what's up!

Plus, it'll make your deuces look like asparagus.

Did somebody fart?

Cuz it stinks in here.

The blog will be back, people. I have just been performing my ass off.

In the meantime - come see this:



Saturday, Nov. 11 @ 8 pm
Mo Pitkin's - 34 Ave. A
FREE!

A poem about tomorrow...

The sun'll come out. Tomorrow.

Tomorrow, tomorrow, I love ya, tomorrow.

Matt McCarthy's birthday.

Damn.

A poem about yesterday...

You, Ruby Tuesday.

You turned out to be a garnet. From QVC.

Damn.

A poem about today...

Why won't you sleep, baby?

Mommy is hungover and it's raining.

Damn!

I think Justin Timberlake said it best when he said...

BYE, BYE, BYE!

It's as if that peace sign turned into scissors...

There goes half my act!

Happy Erection Day!

Esthergen

"I wouldn't rule it out. I would like it to not be as complicated in the future, but I would just like to experience David for a while and see how that works out first."

Madonna, on whether or not she would date another child.