Really?

Has it come to this?

At times like this, I just say to myself, remember, we're at war, Carolyn. And the people need diversion. And cell phone ringtones.

I miss you.

Dear salad,

I miss you. It's been way too long. I'm sorry. I never meant to stay away like this. It's just that I've been busy. Too busy... seeing other peeps.


Come back to me, salad. I promise I'll treat you right this time. I'll do that thing you like... where I chew you slowly... and then swallow.

To quote Donna Summer, this time I know it's for real.

Love,
Carolyn

Today I discovered the scientific term for sentimental gay people.

It's homo sappyen.

Guys, don't be mean to crackheads...

It's not very user-friendly.

When worlds collide...

This image very accurately depicts my day and night jobs intersecting:

Yes, I just had a beer in the bathtub.

Sometimes it's a man's job...

...to defend the women.

My good buddy and truly hilarious man Matt McCarthy urges Time Out to "come clean" in his blog post about the roundtable discussion in The Humor Issue.

The point of contention is whether or not the weekly show that I co-produce and host, Chicks and Giggles, is "marginalizing." Here's Matt's response:

Chicks & Giggles is the most popular show in the lounge at Mo Pitkin's, if not the whole venue.

"Marginalizing"- come on, come clean. There's too many shows in the city, why NOT do something to make your show stand out. Why are we even talking about Chicks? Because it's popular and it's popular because it fills a niche. More power to them! Also, women in comedy have a tougher go of it than the men, let them have their own show, why not? WHY NOT??

Come Clean Time Out.

For now, I'll have to let Matt's words address this for me because I have so much to say about it I don't even know where to begin. But I can tell you this...

I wonder what Time Out is gonna think about my new show:

"Comedians who grew up in small towns (populations less than 30,000) and were raised Jehovah's Witness by a single parent (who it turns out is actually an aunt or uncle) that later got busted for marijuana possession in the middle of a Target and then wrote a successful memoir about the experience while in jail only to discover upon their release that their child had dropped out of college to pursue origami-inspired improvisational violin sports."

All genders and races may apply.

Send your avails to hyperspecial@idontgetit.com.

p.s. - If you want more thoughts on this, visit the Chicks blog. Or I guess you could just wait and read our upcoming feature story in BUST Magazine...

Totally not awesome.

This is the face of awesome.com:

I call bullshit.

Dat's Phantastic!

I read somewhere that my "one year old might begin to resist diapering," but no one told me she would go through an entire martial arts routine. Today when I tried to change her diaper I swear to God she re-enacted a ten-minute stand-up set by Dat Phan. I was like, "Stop referring to yourself in the third person, okay? Mommy gets it. Mommy gets it."

Howloween

Is everyone getting ready???

Unleash the Dragon

Yo, you shoulda been there, man!



I smacked the BEATdown so hard Friday night I won myself not only a fierce piece of dragon bling so big I have to call it blong... I also won an appearance in Shockwave's MIX TAPE!



Friday, November 3rd at 8 pm
Ars Nova
511 West 54th Street (10th/11th Aves.)
$12

Featuring:

Cock Lorge
Arthur Lewis
Jessica Delfino
Erin and Her Cello
The Pearl Brunswick
The Rob and Mark Show
Jesse Hartman of Laptop
Soce the Elemental Wizard
Members of Freestyle Love Supreme
Eliza Skinner and me!

Tickets available here.

I highly recommend this show. So many of my friends are in it and I can tell you it is gonna be a wild and amazing time.

Thanks to the sold out crowd at Mo's Friday night for calling me their champ and a big shout-out to the drunk girl in the front who said, "Carolyn! You're crafty, girl!" I've been grinning about that all day.

Can someone say genetic mutation?

Mom-to-Be ASAP Susie Felber led me to this article about a stingray LEAPING into a man's boat and barbing him just like the CrocHu.

Are you f-ing kidding me?

Since when did something that looks like a hammered out version of the Pillsbury Dough Boy gain the ability to violently kill people?

All I'm saying is, every time this guy gets poked in the stomach:

Someone's gonna get stabbed in the heart.

Ever say this to yourself over and over?

"F*CKING LOG OFF MYSPACE, YOU IDIOT!"

And then login to Blogger to talk* about it?

*Type. Type about it. There really is no talking when you're alone, is there?

Club sandwich

One for the record books:

Last night I performed at the Comic Strip right in between Laurie Kilmartin and Lisa Lampanelli. Lisa did an hour and it was surreal to watch. By the end of her set her mascara was running down her face and she couldn't have cared less. She truly is in command of the "comedic arts." The show was hosted by the wonderful Karith Foster and will eventually air on Sirius. I'll let you know!

I Wanna Hold Your Hand... and then rip it off your arm.

From the best newspaper in the world, Britain's Daily Telegraph:

Heather Mills has explosively struck back at her estranged husband Paul McCartney, accusing him of violently attacking her throughout their doomed relationship.

Court documents lodged by lawyers for Ms Mills as part of the celebrity couple's divorce battle also claim that Sir Paul:

ASKED her not to breastfeed, saying "They are my breasts" and on another occasion "I don't want a mouthful of breast milk";

My daughter asked me the same thing, saying she didn't want a mouthful of grain alcohol and hereditary inability to rise to potential.

DRANK excessively and used illegal drugs despite promising before the pair married not to;

The first rule of marriage: don't write checks with your mouth that your drug dealer's ass can't cash.

OBJECTED to amputee Ms Mills using a bedpan to save her crawling to the toilet at night;

Of course. He wanted her just to pee in the bed. Don't you remember that old Wings lyric, "I think it's so neat when you're wettin' my sheets?"

FORCED his wife to defer an important operation because it interfered with his holiday plans;

I mean, really. It's a HOLIday, not a HOSPITALday.

GRABBED Ms Mills by the neck during a row and pushed her over a coffee table;

That's right. Because she should have known enough to get a TEA table. Stupid slut.

INSISTED Ms Mills prepare dinner for him every night; and

Okay, that one I admit is a little pushy.

DIRECTED a bodyguard and driver to abandon Ms Mills after a Rome concert, forcing her to walk 30 minutes to a hotel.

I'm sorry. That's just simply incorrect. He forced her to HOBBLE to a hotel. Let's get the facts straight. Looks like I've got a leg up on you there...

The court papers reportedly show the couple's marriage difficulties came to a head on Anzac Day when Sir Paul allegedly threw red wine from his glass at Ms Mills.

She alleges he then broke the bowl of another glass from its stem and lunged at her, cutting her below the elbow.

In preparation for his role as Johnny Depp's grandfather in Pirates of the Caribbean IV.

Seeing Double

Is David Kuo just David Brooks with a little extra pancake on his face?

Brooks

Kuo

More importantly, is Tavis Smiley actually an emoticon?

Smiley

Smiley

You decide.

These are the faces of Type 2 Diabetes

There is hope that I will someday work in print ads.

Metropolitan

Just got an email from my friend Jacquetta Szathmari announcing her opinion piece covering the plight of public broadcasting on page 11 in today's METRO. Being that I'm listening to Dragon Tales in the background right now as I type, I obviously couldn't agree with her more.

But there was one thing I did read in the METRO that jolted me a bit. Take a look at this quote from George W. Bush about violence in schools:

"Hopefully, out of these tragedies will come the sense of communal obligation all throughout our country, for people to take an extra effort to comfort the lonely."


Mmm... what a good idea, Georgie boy! People working together for the welfare of our youth. God! That sounds so familiar! If only I could figure out where I'd heard it before...

Oh, right.

Cumdoleeza

My buddy Mz. Altman has an interesting post up about Bush and Condi's lying-sack-o-dung wrinkle brow. We all know Bush is in big trouble right now, but really, what can we do? No matter how bad it gets, we still have to wait it out. I have long said that I cannot even stomach watching the man talk for more than 5 minutes, but lately Condi's voice has been grating on me, too. It's awful! I mean, I hate to be frank, but she sounds like she's getting F'd up the A all the time.

"Uh, well, I think that... the president... is, uh, doing a wuh... nderful job considering the circumcision - I mean, circumference - I mean, circumstance."



Like a wrinkly old soprano choir leader getting F'd up the A.

Guys - I got a new headshot!

What do you think?!

I know, I know, I should have gotten color...

You should come to this show tonight... it's gonna be punny.

Original MySpace Bulletin title: For anyone who's ever had a bad perm.



Here's a little exchange Matt Sears and I had about it:

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Matt
Date: Oct 9, 2006 8:34 AM

Man, I've been looking to CURL UP with a good show, too. But I'm heading outta town for a few. That's right, I've gotta SPLIT like an END!


----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Carolyn Castiglia
Date: Oct 9, 2006 8:39 AM

I can't believe you're just gonna CUT out. That's not the SOLUTION. Or is that just an excuse not to come to the show? You could have just told me you were WASHING YOUR HAIR.


----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Matt
Date: Oct 9, 2006 3:28 PM

You're upset and that BLOWS. But don't get so sTRESSED out. You wrinkle prematurely when you SCRUNCHIE your face like that.


----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Carolyn Castiglia
Date: Oct 9, 2006 4:27 PM

Oh, you think you've got this all LOCKed up, huh? Look at you WAXing poetic. But your vacay story doesn't GEL with what your Mom told me last week when I saw her at the MOUSSE club.


----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Matt
Date: Oct 10, 2006 7:13 AM

You can't PIN this on me! Momma jokes? Since when is that your STYLE? You're lucky I don't pull out my IRON.


----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Carolyn Castiglia
Date: Oct 10, 2006 10:30 AM

Look, we've been at this a LONG time, but I think we're a little SHORT on love. Don't make me get KINKY in order to STRAIGHTEN this out.


p.s. - It's Margot Leitman's bday and she'll be at Mo's - come throw back a drink in her honor!

Seriously

You know you've M.A.D.E. it when your MySpace profile gets hijacked.

HAS EVERYONE PUT UP THEIR CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS?

Just checking. Because as you know, time is running out.

Not the time before Christmas, our actual time on earth. I just wanna make sure everyone gets to enjoy one last look at their Frosty window clings.

You Environmentalist Pig

I just saw a cab driver get out of his car and hug a tree. I thought to myself, "That's nice. I like to be hugged before I get pissed on, too."

Hand Over Fist

I've gotten so used to typing all the time the other day my hand started to ache the second I started writing a one-page journal entry.

Thanks for the ass-kicking buddy.

I really needed that.

Guys, guns don't kill people...

Crazy people with guns do.

How could you kill a bunch of Amish kids? It's not like they wouldn't stop prank calling you or drove by and bashed in your mailbox...

"Here Elizabeth, go smash this in Mr. Johnson's face."

Unlikely.

People are f'ing nuts.

I mean, I hate to be all grrl power right now but this is the third school shooting in one week! Aaaah!

"If I hear one more time about a fool's right to his tools of rage, I'm gonna take all my friends and I'm gonna move to Canada... and we're gonna die of old age."

Oh wait... maybe not.