All I'm saying is, let's make time for Tyne, people. Tyne Needs Time.
Friday, September 29, 2006
All I'm saying is, let's make time for Tyne, people. Tyne Needs Time.
Thursday, September 28, 2006
(Click on videos and scroll down to ckc. You may also recognize a certain blogger who goes by the alias Illiam Phatner.) If you can't see the clips because you don't have the right media player (I didn't) you should be able to catch them on TV if you have MTV2.
The second is VH1's Best Night Ever, which I recorded for the second time last night. Check it here!
You are so beautiful to me.
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
Hey Carolyn, thanks for joining! Here are three quick things you can do to make your life funnier... and funner... if that were a word:
1) watch my 3 minute webcast on [I'm not telling cuz I'm not a total dick.]
2) read my daily parody news bulletin board posts
3) tell friends & don't be no stranger (e-mail me every once in awhile)
[insert comedian name here]
No offense to [insert comedian name here], but I thought that was a little ridiculous, so I wrote back.
Hey [insert comedian name here],
What did I join... the form letter club? What should I tell my friends? That you blindly accepted a MySpace request from someone without checking their profile first to see that they were a New York comic, too? Or that despite the fact that I've heard your name you've obviously never heard mine. I thought after that 30 second clip on MTV I'd really made it! Oh well...
Now listen, I gotta be honest: I'm not sure if I could handle my life being any funnier, not to mention funner, but I will try to make time to watch your podcast regardless because I'm just supportive like that. I'm not sure I'll be able to read every one of your bulletins because I get so many other important ones about girls with big boobs, but I'll try to get that done, too.
I hope we can be really good friends because with this personalized letter you've sent me, I already feel a very strong connection. Kind of like the connection I feel with the Social Security office when they send me my yearly statement.
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
Combative Bush Releases Parts of Terror Study
WASHINGTON, Sept. 26 Portions of a National Intelligence Estimate on terrorism that the White House released under pressure on Tuesday said that Muslim jihadists were "increasing in both number and geographic dispersion" and that current trends could lead to increasing attacks around the globe.
The report, a comprehensive assessment of terrorism produced in April by American intelligence agencies, said the invasion and occupation of Iraq had become a "cause celebre" for jihadists.
Related stories:American Dental Association announces brushing, flossing good hygiene.
American Medical Association discloses cigarettes hazardous to health.
American Association of the Obvious finds Bush to be "idiot."
"If we retreat now, hand over Iraq to al-Qaeda and sectarian death squads and Afghanistan back to al-Qaeda and the Taleban, we won't be safer.
We will be committing a craven act of surrender that will put our future security in the deepest peril."
This may sound like a metaphor, and it is. But it also really happened. So what did I learn? Sure, you have to pay attention to everyone else while you're driving, but if you focus too much on what the other drivers are doing, you'll get in an accident. And you can't do anything if your head is shoved up somebody else's tailpipe.
I also learned that you get better stories when you take the subway. And better candy, too.
Thursday, September 21, 2006
And p.s. - there's another show just like the aforementioned show about a show about a show, starring the former head writer of the show both shows are about. In the second show, the show within the show is called The Girlie Show and the show is called 30 Rock. The first show is called Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip and the show within the show is also called Studio 60 - thank God! - because if we travelled down the worm-hole any further we'd be in that sketch where Will Ferrell and the boys tried to dig a hole to the center of the earth. You know - the one from that show all these shows within shows are about?
Two questions: How can a show that's according to the common folklore not that great to begin with inspire so many other shows?
And, does this mean that Lorne Michaels is the second coming of Christ? Or, better yet, the anti-Christ?
Or does it just mean that Hollywood sucks?...
I'm not sure which. Probably both.
So the Prime Minister of Thailand was ousted while he was here at the UN assembly. Can't somebody arrange a UN meeting in Africa so we can do the same thing to G.W.? But you know Bush wouldn't go - he won't even talk to the NAACP! Clinton, on the other hand, went to Africa 12 times - just for the jazz...
*But what if he f'd miners, or even Majors? Now that would give Bonnie Raitt Something to Talk About...
Comedy for Humans was very cool too. Multi-talented co-hosts Baron Vaughn and Victor Varnado hosted extended, powerhouse performances from Sara Schaefer (I was in nerd heaven), Carolyn Castiglia (she's crazy, but good crazy) and Josh Reynolds (very dynamic and his set was laced with witty, unapologetic Star Wars references).
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
In a speech last week, the pope quoted a Medieval text that characterized some of the teachings of Islam's founder as "evil and inhuman" and linked Islam with violence.
A few hours before news broke that the nun was shot to death, Benedict told the faithful at his summer palace near Rome that he was "deeply sorry" for the offense Muslims felt over the remark and said that the text he quoted did not reflect his own opinion.
The moral of the story: Don't become a nun. Or, stay out of the food service industry. I'm not sure which. Probably both.
Thursday, September 14, 2006
Hispanic, Black, Asian...
Even retarded white kids in wheelchairs with bad perms and no pupils*.
Gimmie five on the high side, my brutha! Hey, I may not have a pupil, but that doesn't mean I can't be one!
*I swear to G-d that's exactly what I looked like in 7th grade. Except without the cute shirt.
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
The Chicks blog is in 25th position. (I believe that's the Tigress.) What an enviable list to be a part of!
Monday, September 11, 2006
Thursday, September 07, 2006
Lucy Lawless, Cheech Marin, Alfonso Ribeiro and Carolyn Castiglia.
- Why does Alfonso Ribiero still look 12? Wasn't he 40 when he did Fresh Prince?
- Why is Xena's hair blonde??! WTF? I thought Gabrielle was the pretty one.
- What's Cheech without Chong? And what's Cheech and Chong without a bong?
- Why did Carolyn grow out her soul patch? And when did she get breast implants?
Queer as Folk Music,
Wednesday, September 06, 2006
"Sheikh Mohammed convinced people to... to fly airline, air, airlines, into somewhere in America - I think the West Coast..."
"Sometimes I try to explain myself in plain terms and sometimes the terms are too plain."
"Heh-heh... what was the second part of your question?"
I dunno - they could've just photoshopped the head onto an alien body...
Katie's sad because people are talking trash about her new "family," but you know what? THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU GO OUT WITH A MANIAC! Imagine if you weren't famous - then it would really suck cuz you'd be sad and broke.
Hmm... sounds familiar...
I mean, look - she's a cute kid. Really. She just looks like an 80 year old woman.
Oh - and the baby is attractive, too.
Oh... This is sad. Sad, sad, sad.
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
Trivializing? How could trivia be trivializing? The critics of this potent pamphlet are obvz not fanz of Trivial Pursuit: Armageddon Edition.
"The connect-the-dots exercise, when completed, reveals the pre-9/11 New York skyline. A word puzzle is solved to reveal answers like "Giuliani," "Taliban," and "George Bush."'
So in that spirit, I've created an entire line of educational tools to help children learn about human horrors throughout time. Just send me $99.95 with a self-addressed stamped envelope and I'll return to you:
THE CRUCIFIXION: HANGING OUT WITH JESUS
THE HOLOCAUST: LET'S GO TO CAMP!
AGENT ORANGE: MEET CAPTAIN CANCER
The list goes on and on - your child will get a new issue every month until they finally become cognizant of the twisted nature of the material and start crying about how much they hate you and how "they can't believe you did this to them" and that "they thought it was just a game!" Hahaha... Kids!
Hurry - because if you order now, you'll get my free CD, "Singing Makes Me Feel Better When Mommy Comes Home Drunk," recorded right here in New York City with my own infant daughter! It doesn't get more authentic than that, families of 9/11 victims. So ORDER NOW!
If you're a cook, DO NOT STICK YOUR HEAD IN THE OVEN!
If you're a plumber, DO NOT STICK YOUR HEAD IN THE TOILET!
If you work in an office, DO NOT STICK YOUR HEAD UP YOUR BOSS'S ASS!
These things are DANGEROUS, people! Be careful!