The only person who can judge me is Amy.

Let's say you're a person who might be home right now due to lack of employment, and you've been stuck watching a lot of boob tube. I'm thinkin' that right around noon, after you've made your PBJ, you should be turning on TNT (because they know drama!) and watching some Judging Amy. I mean, first of all, this is the most powerhouse cast of any drama within the past several years. Three of the leads are Ivy League grads, plus Tyne Daly of course, who in the course of her career has won the Tony and 6 Emmys. Add the hot black guy and cute little kid factor and you have got the best show formerly on television!

All I'm saying is, let's make time for Tyne, people. Tyne Needs Time.

Where my Asian girls at?

This is just a quick shout-out to my girl Becky Yamamoto who received a GLOWING review in the New York Times for her appearance as "Korean-American" in "Songs of the Dragons Flying to Heaven."

She's the one hiding in someone's vagina.

Video Killed the Radio Star

Hey guys! I have two new videos online that I'm pretty psyched about. The first is a freestyle I recorded with Adriana for MTV2's Sucker Free. You can see that here.

(Click on videos and scroll down to ckc. You may also recognize a certain blogger who goes by the alias Illiam Phatner.) If you can't see the clips because you don't have the right media player (I didn't) you should be able to catch them on TV if you have MTV2.

The second is VH1's Best Night Ever, which I recorded for the second time last night. Check it here!

You are so beautiful to me.

XO,
ckc

The final frontier...

I put in a friend request with another young New York City comic over at MySpace the other day and not only did he accept and validate my very existence, he also sent me this nice note I thought I would share with you all.

Hey Carolyn, thanks for joining! Here are three quick things you can do to make your life funnier... and funner... if that were a word:

1) watch my 3 minute webcast on [I'm not telling cuz I'm not a total dick.]
2) read my daily parody news bulletin board posts
3) tell friends & don't be no stranger (e-mail me every once in awhile)

Thanks,
[insert comedian name here]

No offense to [insert comedian name here], but I thought that was a little ridiculous, so I wrote back.

Hey [insert comedian name here],

What did I join... the form letter club? What should I tell my friends? That you blindly accepted a MySpace request from someone without checking their profile first to see that they were a New York comic, too? Or that despite the fact that I've heard your name you've obviously never heard mine. I thought after that 30 second clip on MTV I'd really made it! Oh well...

Now listen, I gotta be honest: I'm not sure if I could handle my life being any funnier, not to mention funner, but I will try to make time to watch your podcast regardless because I'm just supportive like that. I'm not sure I'll be able to read every one of your bulletins because I get so many other important ones about girls with big boobs, but I'll try to get that done, too.

I hope we can be really good friends because with this personalized letter you've sent me, I already feel a very strong connection. Kind of like the connection I feel with the Social Security office when they send me my yearly statement.

Thanks,
Carolyn

I just got blindsided by a conservative hit job.

Oh man... while I was meticulously perfecting the post below, SOMEONE BURNT MY RAMEN NOODLES! WTF Republican party?! If you've got a beef (flavored packet) with me, why don't you just say it to my face?! Oh, is that a smirk? Sure, you've done Rupert Murdoch's bidding on this blog, but you've also done it on my stomach. Why don't you just go home and think about that.

BIG NEWS!

Bush: I like your dress. Karzai: Thank you. I just got it today! I think it goes well with my hat.

Combative Bush Releases Parts of Terror Study

WASHINGTON, Sept. 26 Portions of a National Intelligence Estimate on terrorism that the White House released under pressure on Tuesday said that Muslim jihadists were "“increasing in both number and geographic dispersion" and that current trends could lead to increasing attacks around the globe.

The report, a comprehensive assessment of terrorism produced in April by American intelligence agencies, said the invasion and occupation of Iraq had become a "cause celebre”" for jihadists.

Related stories:

American Dental Association announces brushing, flossing good hygiene.

American Medical Association discloses cigarettes hazardous to health.

American Association of the Obvious finds Bush to be "idiot."

***

The thing I find most amusing about all of this is that after all these years Tony Blair is still towing the party line. In a speech earlier today he said:

"If we retreat now, hand over Iraq to al-Qaeda and sectarian death squads and Afghanistan back to al-Qaeda and the Taleban, we won't be safer.

We will be committing a craven act of surrender that will put our future security in the deepest peril."

Bush put it more simply by saying:

"We can't leave Iraq. If we leave Iraq, that's like unleashing a barrell of monkeys on a sea of fish. That's like settin' out a banana peel for an alligator to slip on. That's like... it's like pulling out before you come. We just don't do that! That's un'merican!"

You can learn a lot by driving in this town.

For example, let's say you're driving up first avenue and you spot a car that you're playing tag with. You pass him, he passes you. He's doing everything he can to get ahead: changing lanes, speeding, cutting people off. And yet you, by staying in the same lane, keep catching up and even passing him from time to time. But then he gets out of your sight, because he got a big opportunity to make some traction in the right lane. So you follow him, but you cut back over just in time not to have to stop for the dump truck up ahead. You feel good, you feel smart, but then he's outpaced you once again. Eventually he pulls off to the side of the road. His journey has ended. You feel a bit stupid for trying to chase someone who was only going a few blocks, but at the same time you're relishing in your accomplishment as you sail past him, thinking to yourself, "Ha, sucker," only to be forced to slam on your breaks as you almost rear-end the car in front of you.

This may sound like a metaphor, and it is. But it also really happened. So what did I learn? Sure, you have to pay attention to everyone else while you're driving, but if you focus too much on what the other drivers are doing, you'll get in an accident. And you can't do anything if your head is shoved up somebody else's tailpipe.

I also learned that you get better stories when you take the subway. And better candy, too.

The most meta meta-ness that has ever happened, ever.

So, I'm blogging about a blog post that I read that lead me to a fake blog ripping off a real blog endorsed by the fake blog (and vice versa) which is by the way, about a show about a show modeled after a show.

And p.s. - there's another show just like the aforementioned show about a show about a show, starring the former head writer of the show both shows are about. In the second show, the show within the show is called The Girlie Show and the show is called 30 Rock. The first show is called Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip and the show within the show is also called Studio 60 - thank God! - because if we travelled down the worm-hole any further we'd be in that sketch where Will Ferrell and the boys tried to dig a hole to the center of the earth. You know - the one from that show all these shows within shows are about?

Two questions: How can a show that's according to the common folklore not that great to begin with inspire so many other shows?

And, does this mean that Lorne Michaels is the second coming of Christ? Or, better yet, the anti-Christ?

Or does it just mean that Hollywood sucks?...

I'm not sure which. Probably both.

Take that, Letterman.

This is a little segment we like to call the Carolyn Castiglia Top One Monologue joke of the week:

So the Prime Minister of Thailand was ousted while he was here at the UN assembly. Can't somebody arrange a UN meeting in Africa so we can do the same thing to G.W.? But you know Bush wouldn't go - he won't even talk to the NAACP! Clinton, on the other hand, went to Africa 12 times - just for the jazz...

Hey - I hear Clinton only plays in the key of f-ing minors*.

Ba-dump-bump!

*But what if he f'd miners, or even Majors? Now that would give Bonnie Raitt Something to Talk About...

My favorite review yet!

"She's crazy, but good crazy." ~ from Gilad Foss' mention of Comedy is for Humans, in context here:

Comedy for Humans was very cool too. Multi-talented co-hosts Baron Vaughn and Victor Varnado hosted extended, powerhouse performances from Sara Schaefer (I was in nerd heaven), Carolyn Castiglia (she's crazy, but good crazy) and Josh Reynolds (very dynamic and his set was laced with witty, unapologetic Star Wars references).

Infallible

Pope calls for mutual respect of religions as he mourns nun slain in Somalia

VATICAN CITY Pope Benedict XVI on Tuesday appealed for mutual respect for religious belief as he mourned an Italian nun slain in Somalia in an attack some have speculated was linked to Muslim anger at his recent remarks about Islam and violence.

Um, does that mean they're mad?

The 65-year-old nun, who taught and worked at a pediatrics hospital in Mogadishu, was slain Sunday. There was no claim of responsibility, but many speculated the shooting was linked to Muslim anger toward Benedict.

In a speech last week, the pope quoted a Medieval text that characterized some of the teachings of Islam's founder as "evil and inhuman" and linked Islam with violence.

A few hours before news broke that the nun was shot to death, Benedict told the faithful at his summer palace near Rome that he was "deeply sorry" for the offense Muslims felt over the remark and said that the text he quoted did not reflect his own opinion.

Tell them I'm sorry. Well, tell them again! Jesus! Can't a man get a little rest in his summer palace?! Oh, sorry Big J - that one was rhetorical. But since you're here, can I get another Mai Tai?...

The telegram said that Benedict was told of the "tragic death of Sister Leonella, barbarously killed." In the message, Benedict praised the nun for her work "carried out with joy at the service of the Somali population and offered his apostolic blessing to her relatives and fellow nuns" and all who mourn her.

Which reminds me of a story! I used to work at a little eatery in the Times Square area that rhymes with Schmapplebee's, and one of my managers liked to tell me stories about his high school years here in late 70's/early 80's East Harlem. He told me once that a local boy raped and killed one of the area nuns and in retaliation the mafia killed one of the boy's friends and left his body in front of Delightful, a diner on the corner of 116 & 1st. (The diner still ran until about a year ago - it's now a Dunkin' Donuts. There are a few articles on NewYorkTimes.com about the nun's death, but none about the related murder. Fact or fable, I don't know, but I'm still not gonna hang out in front of Rao's.)

The moral of the story: Don't become a nun. Or, stay out of the food service industry. I'm not sure which. Probably both.

Multicultural Harlem

Guys, Harlem is for everyone!


Hispanic, Black, Asian...


Even retarded white kids in wheelchairs with bad perms and no pupils*.


Gimmie five on the high side, my brutha! Hey, I may not have a pupil, but that doesn't mean I can't be one!

*I swear to G-d that's exactly what I looked like in 7th grade. Except without the cute shirt.

American Top 40

According to some research done by Mo! I have made the American Top 40 of comedy blogs. I'm tied for 21st place (the chartreuse ribbon, finally!) with one Mr. Jack Kukoda. It's an honor and a pleasure, I'm sure.

The Chicks blog is in 25th position. (I believe that's the Tigress.) What an enviable list to be a part of!

I'd like to thank all the nominees who were not good enough to make it to 21st place. Looks like you'll just have to try harder, Rosie!

NEVER FORGET!

My mother sent me an email this morning prominently featuring this graphic:

Followed immediately by this graphic:

The moral of the story: NEVER FORGET MAXINE, YOU GUYS! She was there before Bin Laden and she'll be there after Bush.

MAXINE FOREVER!

OH THANK GOD!

It's like the first season of American Idol all over again!

Celebrity Duets is undisputedly the best show since Pepper Dennis. It features some of television's best former talent, including, from L to R above:

Lucy Lawless, Cheech Marin, Alfonso Ribeiro and Carolyn Castiglia.

Questions:

• Why does Alfonso Ribiero still look 12? Wasn't he 40 when he did Fresh Prince?
• Why is Xena's hair blonde??! WTF? I thought Gabrielle was the pretty one.
• What's Cheech without Chong? And what's Cheech and Chong without a bong?
• Why did Carolyn grow out her soul patch? And when did she get breast implants?

They may never be answered. {sigh} But I will continue to watch! If I don't post for a while, don't worry - I'm just too busy holding my breath until Sir Kenny Loggins makes his next appearance. (!!!)

Queer as Folk Music,
Hal Sparks

Guess who said it in his interview with Katie Couric?*

"One of the hardest parts of my job is connecting the war on terror to Iraq."

"Sheikh Mohammed convinced people to... to fly airline, air, airlines, into somewhere in America - I think the West Coast..."

"Sometimes I try to explain myself in plain terms and sometimes the terms are too plain."

"Heh-heh... what was the second part of your question?"

That's right! It's the Shaggy Dog!

Fetch, boy! Good President.

*And it's only been 20 minutes, probably 8 of which were devoted to the interview. 10 were devoted to 9/11 backstory and the other 2 were devoted to the President sniffing Couric's crotch.

Who puts a wig on a baby?

I mean, if you really wanted her to look good for the shoot, you could have at least gotten her some spray tan. Something!

I dunno - they could've just photoshopped the head onto an alien body...

Katie's sad because people are talking trash about her new "family," but you know what? THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU GO OUT WITH A MANIAC! Imagine if you weren't famous - then it would really suck cuz you'd be sad and broke.

Hmm... sounds familiar...

I mean, look - she's a cute kid. Really. She just looks like an 80 year old woman.

Oh - and the baby is attractive, too.

HEY-OH!

Oh... This is sad. Sad, sad, sad.

Suriously - cuz nobody's gonna pay her to act now.

An Explosion of Knowledge

Hey! Have you guys heard about that new 9/11 children's activity book created by the families of victims?! It's full of fun and games, including "trivia questions, word games, and a connect-the-dots picture for school kids," and it's apparently "raising eyebrows for potentially trivializing the terror attacks as the fifth anniversary approaches."

Trivializing? How could trivia be trivializing? The critics of this potent pamphlet are obvz not fanz of Trivial Pursuit: Armageddon Edition.

"The connect-the-dots exercise, when completed, reveals the pre-9/11 New York skyline. A word puzzle is solved to reveal answers like "Giuliani," "Taliban," and "George Bush."'

I think it's great. I mean, maybe if the New York Times crossword puzzle featured words like Al Qaeda, Catastrophe and Aaaaaaaah! before 9/11 we all would have been a bit more prepared. Am I right??? After all, "Knowing is half the battle."

So in that spirit, I've created an entire line of educational tools to help children learn about human horrors throughout time. Just send me $99.95 with a self-addressed stamped envelope and I'll return to you:

THE CRUCIFIXION: HANGING OUT WITH JESUS

THE HOLOCAUST: LET'S GO TO CAMP!

AGENT ORANGE: MEET CAPTAIN CANCER

The list goes on and on - your child will get a new issue every month until they finally become cognizant of the twisted nature of the material and start crying about how much they hate you and how "they can't believe you did this to them" and that "they thought it was just a game!" Hahaha... Kids!

Hurry - because if you order now, you'll get my free CD, "Singing Makes Me Feel Better When Mommy Comes Home Drunk," recorded right here in New York City with my own infant daughter! It doesn't get more authentic than that, families of 9/11 victims. So ORDER NOW!

Pride (In the Name of Love)

When your kid reaches in and starts eating out of the garbage can for the first time, should you be mortified? Or should you think, "Yes! She's a true New Yorker!"???

Jesus Crikey

I'm so sad about the loss of Steve Irwin. Really, his wife must be devastated and I can hardly think about his poor little babies. So, listen guys - whatever it is you do, DO NOT GET TOO CLOSE TO THE DANGEROUS THINGS YOU WORK WITH. For example:

If you're a cook, DO NOT STICK YOUR HEAD IN THE OVEN!

If you're a plumber, DO NOT STICK YOUR HEAD IN THE TOILET!

If you work in an office, DO NOT STICK YOUR HEAD UP YOUR BOSS'S ASS!

These things are DANGEROUS, people! Be careful!

Love,
Carolyn