Disappear

I went for a walk Tuesday with Adriana and when we came back an hour later the building next door to ours was gone. The cops said it "collapsed," but whatever - I'm sure they're just covering up some kind of alien conspiracy. I mean, I've seen Men in Black (Parts One and Two). I know better.

116th Street Trends: Part Two

This installment featuring TRENDS FOR BABIES!

The freshest style all the toddlers are trotting out on 116 is the ONESIE SNAPPED OVER THE JEANS look. It's a reflection of the layered look touted by Vogue for this fall.

Now available in adult sizes, too!

Look ma, no hands! And no dignity, either!

116th Street Trends: Part One

TREND ALERT:

When you answer your cell phone, use "Hello" in the plural sense, as in, "Hellos? Hellos?!"

This trend brought to you by Satan.

Girlfriends

As I lay on the couch last night watching the hit UPN show GIRLFRIENDS after a long day of baby-tending (because that's what happens when you can't afford cable) I thought to myself, "Wow! This show is GREAT! It's so fresh and so honest. Not at all like white TV, where everyone is skinny and beautiful and lives in amazing apartments." White people. Ha!

GIRLFRIENDS is produced by Kelsey Grammar, by the way - because if ever there were a white man who was down with a sister's struggle it's definitely this one:

Hey guys! What's good?!

Anyway - as I lay there, listening to the girls discuss the old "all the good black men like white women" juggernaut, I was thinking, "I hope someday I can play the chubby white woman they refer to as the heifer who stole their man!" Because if there's one way to foster positive race relations it's to play the kindergarten card and call the person on the other team fat.

You hear that Heidi? You're a cow!

But the script goes on! The girls begin talking about how their friend William should be dating a sister, especially after he admits that he's dating a white woman. "It's just a temporary thing," he says, worried that his GIRLFRIENDS think he might stay with a white woman forever!

Argh. Way to go GIRLFRIENDS. Let's talk about some other antiquated late-60's beliefs that we should propagate, like women not belonging in the workforce, or abortion not being legal or bell-bottomed tapestry pants looking hot.

Do you want to be responsible for bringing this look back, GIRLFRIENDS? Kelsey? I hope not.

I Made the National News!

Without even having been hit by a train! Check out this wonderful piece on Tuesday night's Rejection Show, "Chicks Love Rejection" that closed tonight's ABC Nightly News with Charles Gibson:

This was a splendiferous event combining Chicks and Giggles and The Rejection Show (perhaps you noted the flyer below?) and Chicks regulars Desiree Burch and Negin Farsad both got not only face time, but mouth time. Yee-haw! I think my hat says more about me than I could have anyway...

HIP-HOP HOORAY!

"Hey, comedy show girl!"

That's what I heard on my way into a cab after the show tonight, rushing home to relieve the sitter. "You were awesome! You were hilarious!"

Thanks for making my night worth the $40 I spent on childcare, ladies. You're lookin' pretty good yourselves.

Fools Rush(er) In

R&B superstar Usher is about to make his Broadway debut as Billy Flynn in Chicago.

In related news, I just got cast as the lead in Swan Lake.

Congratulations!

Here's to you, bacon egg and cheese on a roll, for still being awesome after all these years.

Patriotic Proposal

Dear Government,

I propose that we, the people, of the United States of America, change our nation's acronym from this:

To this:

Please respond.

Kind regards,

Carolyn Castiglia ~ "The Betsy Ross of the new millennium."

Isn't it Lovely?

Ooh! Feelin' good in the sunshine, kids! Feelin' like I could do anything today! Like play 7 keyboards at the same time! WHAT?! Yes. Yes. That's how I feel.

I also feel like I would look great with a mullet made entirely of beads. Don't you? Think that about me, I mean. Not about you. But if you feel like you could rock the bead-mullet, too, that's great. I'm just sayin' - it takes a special kind of girl to just bead it.

Domain Names Up For Grabs

http://ihatemyjob.com/

pleasesomeonehelpmeimdyinoverhere.com

couldthisbeworsethanaids.com

Good luck!

ReASSurance

Who said that?

Guys,

Auditioning to play a schizophrenic housewife today. What's with all the typecasting?

XO,
ckc

p.s. - SPIEGELTENT!

I would be remiss not to remind you...

SPIEGELTENT! MONDAY! 10 PM!

Click to enlarge for more info.

PS 122's coverage

Time Out New York's coverage (by my friend and fellow mutha Raven Snook)

Downtown Express says...

The New York Sun's take.

Thank you, Chris, for the links.

Dear 7-months pregnant woman wearing 7-inch heels,

Are you nuts?!

Please respond.

XO,
ckc

Dear nuts,

Thank you for being so delicious all the time. (And a healthy source of protein, too! Way to go!)

I'm sorry we humans always seem to compare you to crazy people. That's not fair. I mean, even if you're a honey-roasted macadamia... that might be considered a little odd, but certainly not crazy. You guys deserve better.

Love,
Carolyn

p.s. - Same goes for you bananas! Hang in there! I heart you a bunch!

Dear Ethicist,

Do you think it's ethical to carry an ugly purse just for its "cool factor?"

I saw this one on the train this morning and it was killing my eyes! Should one woman's pleasure be another woman's pain?

Please respond.

Sincerely,

Purseless Unitarian Seeking Solace Yearningly

In the slammer...

Comedian, friend and fellow Girl Friday Jen Dziura just informed me that she hasn't posted on her blog since Monday because she is in BLOG PRISON. I thought I'd send this message out to her FAN CLUB (set up by fans of Jen for her fans)... in case any of them want to rush in and post bail.

Oh yeeh - if you gonna set up a fan club for fans of a comedian who prides herself on being grammatically correct, u might wanna spell exclusif rightly. I'm jest sayin'. She luks a littuh pizzed.

UPDATE - The minute I posted this about 12 new posts hit Jen's blog, just to make me luk like a dick for dissing her fan club. What ken I sey? Cept glad u'r bak!

As it turns out...

America's got absolutely no talent whatsoever.

Open...

Your...

Eyes, dammit!

But Russia is just oozing with skill:

Or should I say, boozing* with it?... HEY-OH!

*You must be 21 or over to use talent. Use talent responsibly.

Manischewitz!

Come on, Robin! Mel was only kidding about the whole hating Jews thing. It's not your fault. I mean, just because Jakob the Liar got reviews like "Plays dangerously close to Hogan's Heroes goes to Auschwitz." and "Williams appears to be riffing for another 'Comic Relief' benefit." doesn't mean you let anybody down. It's this I think we all have to worry about...

Whew!

All this talk about rapping has made me really excited for Christmas - because I love wrapping almost as much as I love rapping! This is what I'm giving Mel Gibson:

I hope he likes it! I made it myself. Out of clay.

Guys - wanna know what's even better than cheese?

CHEESE FLAVOR! Wow. It is so good! Almost as good as NACHO CHEESIER® BRAND FLAVOR! I mean, who comes up with this stuff?

How to Survive a Rap Battle with Matt Sears

Matt Sears is a lay-about/humorist/lay-about/rapper living in New York City. Yesterday he challenged me to a battle. Over email. This is how the smack went down:

___________________________________
From: Sears, Matthew
Sent: Monday, August 07, 2006 5:28 PM
To: Castiglia, Carolyn
Subject: Spitting

Do you have instant messenger? We can rap battle via that all day in order to hone our skills.

___________________________________
From: Castiglia, Carolyn
Sent: Monday, August 07, 2006 5:43 PM
To: Sears, Matthew
Subject: RE: Spitting

Hey Matt Sears
You've got tiny ears
Or at least so I think
I can't remember cuz I drink.

WHAT?......

(spits in your face)

___________________________________
From: Sears, Matthew
Sent: Monday, August 07, 2006 5:51 PM
To: Castiglia, Carolyn
Subject: RE: Spitting

Aw crap, her spittle splattered in my face/
Now I need a wet-wipe or napkin/
I'm rappin', my set's tight, I light up this place/
So bright, you can see it from outer space/

___________________________________
From: Castiglia, Carolyn
Sent: Monday, August 07, 2006 5:52 PM
To: Sears, Matthew
Subject: RE: Spitting

What? Do you think that you're some kind of probe
Floatin' out in space? Circlin' the globe?
Tell you what boo, you so lucky that my spittle
Touched your face I rock this place like the rainbow of a skittle.

___________________________________
From: Sears, Matthew
Sent: Monday, August 07, 2006 5:58 PM
To: Castiglia, Carolyn
Subject: RE: Spitting

Yo, I don't understand how a rainbow can rock/
But anyway, I blow fools away with my verbal glock/
I'm wearing competition's street cred like Flava wears clocks/
I'm the Kaczynski of hip-hop becuz I set it off/

___________________________________
From: Castiglia, Carolyn
Sent: Monday, August 07, 2006 6:00 PM
To: Sears, Matthew
Subject: RE: Spitting

Ok, that's fair, but let me tell you this,
A rainbow rocks as hard as the metal band KISS
Just like a gay man with a rock hard cock
I'm gonna blow my load in your boyfriend's sock.

___________________________________
From: Sears, Matthew
Sent: Monday, August 07, 2006 6:05 PM
To: Castiglia, Carolyn
Subject: RE: Spitting

Before or after he takes it off?/
When you aren't looking, I will take that sock/
And dunk it in your coffee because it is chock/
Full of Nut/
Like Lance Bass's butt, what? What?!/

___________________________________
From: Castiglia, Carolyn
Sent: Monday, August 07, 2006 6:09 PM
To: Sears, Matthew
Subject: RE: Spitting

Speaking of bass, I smell like fish
But that don't mean I aint a tasty dish
You just add a little salt and you add a little spice
From my rack cuz I'm on crack and I taste so nice.

___________________________________
From: Sears, Matthew
Sent: Monday, August 07, 2006 6:13 PM
To: Castiglia, Carolyn
Subject: RE: Spitting

Yo, my rhymes is concise/
Like a lazer that slices fleas off mice/
Or the legs off lice/
Or that bi-sects rice/

___________________________________
From: Castiglia, Carolyn
Sent: Monday, August 07, 2006 6:14 PM
To: Sears, Matthew
Subject: RE: Spitting

You sayin' you bi-sexual?
Intellectual?
Ineffectual?
That's ridexual!
That means ridiculous in another language
One I just made up so that I could do some bangage
Up to your grill - so take a pill, baby - chill.

___________________________________
From: Sears, Matthew
Sent: Monday, August 07, 2006 6:18 PM
To: Castiglia, Carolyn
Subject: RE: Spitting

I got a license to kill/
So I hope you wrote your will/
Or else your belongings will be up for grabs/
With scabs who have crabs/
I more than dabble with word-play
Yet I suck at Scrabble/

___________________________________
From: Castiglia, Carolyn
Sent: Monday, August 07, 2006 6:19 PM
To: Sears, Matthew
Subject: RE: Spitting

HEY.

I felt like you needed a "hey" to rhyme with word-play, therefore I believe I just won.

See you tomorrow, son!

YOU BE THE JUDGE.

Wiki-ty wiki-ty wack!

Nichelle sent me the following article on How to Survive a Freestyle Rap Battle:

Okay, all very good advice, I suppose. But guys - here's THE MOST IMPORTANT PART:

DO NOT SPIT IN EMINEM'S FACE WHILE YOU ARE BATTLING HIM, GUYS. Because then he will have to go and puke mom's spaghetti all up over in you.

Also, even though it's a "battle," you should probably not use a gun.

Mo fo' no money.

Check out Mo Pitkin's new front page! Sexy...

Sometimes you feel like a nut...

That's all.

Happy Friday, y'all! This picture of a candy bar is on me. You're welcome.

I know it's hot, butt...

I saw a guy walking up 6th Ave. wearing nothing but braids and bikini underwear. And it was not The Naked Cowboy. He wears a guitar - not to mention a hat.

I guess he's railing against the old saying "no shirt, no pants, no book signing."

p.s. - Interesting fact about The Naked Cowboy: he's written his own bible! A must read, (read: skim) including the tenet:

God, I want the full right and authority over everything in the world with the undeviating desire to demonstrate that it means nothing without your love.

I think George Dubya beat you to the punch on that one, sweetheart.

No Nukes

My cousin once told me that McDonald's workers refer to the microwave as the "Q." And they have to say things like, "Can you Q this?" so that nobody knows their food isn't being made fresh.

Ever stand next to a microwave while it was cooking something and wonder if your internal organs were being q'd?

The best I could hope for today is that my heart turns out medium-well.

Just Q It!

Tonight, Tonight...

...won't be just any night! Tonight comics will become rock stars...

(Or at least make a really good attempt at karaoke.)

You know you're having a bad week...

...when Luther Vandross makes you cry.

Feel the Heat

Burning you up...

Ready -

Or not.