GIFT IDEA

That's all.

Except it's almost my anniversary so if you wanna get this for me for that go right ahead.

That's all.

Except don't think this post is a public ploy to get my husband's attention because he hasn't bought me a gift in over 20 years and we've only known each other for 8.

That's all.

Oh, and thanks for your support.

p.s. - Carnegie Hall concert Sept. 13th! Yikes!

Brownout

Someone just painted this picture of me sitting in my cube here at work:



They used nothing but their hair and toilet water. Impressive, no?

BRING IT, CON ED! LET'S JUST MAKE THIS BLACKOUT HAPPEN!

102 degrees tomorrow, kids. What say we take a sick day, huh?

That might help save power.

East Harlem PSA

If any of my readers are in the barrio, you have to check out the new INDIAN RESTAURANT on 3rd Ave. and 118. I don't even know the name of it because it just opened this weekend but we got take-out from there last night and it is delicious! (Yes, I am having leftovers for lunch.) We asked for everything spicy - and wowza is it ever - but there's a lot of delicate, savory flavor as well. They'll make dishes to your taste, so if you like it mild, just ask.

Though I'd say the dishes are all about $1 too expensive for the neighborhood (some of the more fancy meat dishes are $11.95) it is worth the money. It's just as good or better than any of the little joints in the East Village.

So, help the 'hood out by eating local! Here's a cool website with more East Harlem eats.

The truth has never been distilled more perfectly.

Come see me freestyle on Thursday, August 3rd at 8 pm at Galapagos.

Click the logo for more info on the show, yo. Thanks, Heather.

Do you guys like my new headshot?

I know, I know... I should have gotten color.

Girls Girls Girls!

I have had the pleasure of seeing three fantastically talented women do one-person shows over the last week-and-a-half, and I just thought I'd give them a shout-out here on ye olde blogge.

Last week I saw Pat Candaras do her solo show GRANDMOTHERF*CKER. It was the most like stand-up of the three shows, but did have its share of serious commentary despite the abundant laughs. Pat's going to the Edinburgh Fringe next month, so if you are reading this and happen to be going, you should definitely check it out!

Last night I caught both The Sit-Down Show starring one Mz. Desiree Burch and Vanilla Mistress, a new show by Ophira Eisenberg. They were both great, though vastly different. Desiree's show was a multi-media comedy wrapped in beautiful poetic prose and Ophira's was a straightforward and very funny tale of *woah!* about her brief stint in the world of S&M (for the purposes of writing an article for Marie Claire.)

I learned a lot watching all three shows, not just about the ladies presenting them, but about how a wonderful evening of solo theatre is done. I also learned that on average, 2 out of 3 female comics love vodka, hate soy chai vanilla lattes and have worked in the fascinating, yet frightening world of dungeon sex.

Who knew?!

No way, Yahweh.

The Jews for Jesus are at it again here in Manhattan, but as anyone who's seen those crazy kids in their snazzy black and red tee's knows, this summer they're *Jesus for Jews.*

I thought Jesus traveled by chariot?

Jesus for Jews? Wow. I mean, being the good former-Catholic that I am, I understand that Jesus is inside all of us, but really now. Each and everyone of them is Jesus? Jesus! That's a lot of Jesus.

And what is the strategy there, anyway? I mean, I can see calling yourself a Jew for Jesus, because in effect you're saying, "Yo, I may be a Jew, but Jesus is My Homeboy, y'all."

After all, he is pretty hard to resist.

But still... calling your group Jesus for Jews is pretty sly if your goal is to try to break the "Jewish psyche." After all, Woody Allen preaches that being Jewish is all about having terrible guilt, and as you know, Woody Allen is right about everything. Ergo, I postulate this manner of proselytizing is highly effective, breaking it down as such:

"Joh. Jesus died for Jew, mang. How could Jew not appreciate that? I mean, jour little friend Jon never calls Jew back, and jet Jew made him jour best man?! Jew can't turn away from someone who was crucified for Jew. Can Jew? I don't think so, mang."

I don't know what these kids are after, and someone once suggested to me that this really is an organization full of Christians posing as Jews to try to convert more people. That wouldn't surprise me at all. It seems that instead of trying to embrace Judeo-Christian heritage like the UU's do, JFJ is about getting people to get saved. What's the point of that? If I'm gonna be a Jew for Jesus (or a Christian for Gefilte Fish) I want to be able to celebrate both faiths. I wanna light eight candles on my Christmas tree. I wanna put colored Easter eggs out on the Seder plate. I wanna have my brisket and eat it on Fridays, too!

I say! Is that too much to ask? Jesus!

I Want Candy

My friend Elio just said the best thing I've ever heard:

"When I worked in music videos, the craft services table was donuts, oreos, and a pile of cocaine."

Ha!

Adoption is the Best Option

Or certainly the most fashionable one, anyway. Madonna wants to adopt, J. Jack does too, Angelina will eventually, but needs to make sure the baby is the "right race." What?! Is she building a family or casting a Benetton ad?

Let's see... we've got a black one, a white one and a yellow one... what else would look good here? I know - red! Somebody get me an Indian! And I'm not talking about the red-dot kind, I'm talking about the alcoholic, feather-wearing, casino-owning kind. Brad, pack your bags, sweetie, we're off to Nevada!

Let's take a look at the possible adoptive children of the other celebrities mentioned above through Benetton ads, shall we?

JANET JACKSON?

Adoptive mothers can breast feed now... and the baby would certainly look like at least one of its relatives.

MADONNA?

No comment.

Dashboard Confession

Guys,

I've been meaning to blog so much more lately, but I've got whiplash from watching those new VW Rabbit commercials. You know the ones where you think you're watching some cute young people of different races drive along in giggly harmony and then THEY ALMOST DIE RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOUR EYES?

That totally makes me want to buy a car.

Whatever happened to this campaign?

That was advertising magic.

Bonjour! Hola! Haa-aay!

Sorry for the lack of posts today, kids - I was in South Uzbekistan with BrYan and Rexxx filming something for MTVU. (The Oh My God boys were DJing on the back of the craft services truck. It was amazing. Verging on mofft*.)

* This word is so new, BrYan and Rexx don't even know about it yet. Get a Treo, fellas. Sidekicks are so 2 hours ago...

Naturaleza Muerta

Check out my friend Ana's short film. It's amazing! She shot and edited the whole thing herself with her dos manos. Proving she has more talent in her two little fingers than Hollywood does in its entire body.

Jive Turkey

Found this book, How Not to Look Fat, through Anne. Check out this "Gobble Gobble" E-Card:

Okay. I want you to try doing this right now. I don't care if you're a guy or a girl - I don't care if you're alone in your apartment or you're in your cube across from your boss - stick the back of your tongue up against the roof of your mouth. DO IT!

Now try to smile.

Feel like you look like this?

That's because you do. Happy Thanksgiving, Pilgrim.

Pig Roast

Me, last night at the Comedy Central Village Roast of Michelle Buteau, giving her back the pig she gave me when Adriana was born.

That's an appropriate gift to give a woman who just had a baby, don'tcha think? "Here fat ass - in case you don't have a mirror..."

Okay, okay - there were flowers in it when I got it, but I'm too broke to pay those back.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MISHIEB! (Photos by Brian Van.)

Speakin' of babies...

This morning on my way to the train I saw:

a) a pregnant woman

b) wearing a tank top studded with SEXY

c) smoking a cigarette.

*One of these things is not like the other, one of these things just doesn't belong.*

The answer is c, jackass. Not b.

Hrmph.

Fake Baby

Do you think these are the real parents of Suri Cruise?

Hey, Anonymous! Grow a Pair of These:

Sorry, kids. I shut down the anonymous comments. I'm all for the interactive nature of the internets, but I'm sick of taking it from behind. If you want to talk to me you're gonna have to show your face!

Stay Cool, Man

Just wanted to let everybody in NYC know I am thinking of your needs today.

And finally!

My father, pontificating on the origins of carp:

Lucky Charm

This is a video I took this weekend of my father telling one of his infamous jokes.* While my father is not what he'd call "one of them educated idiots," he is by turns a gripping storyteller, a wonderful person, sometimes scary, often hilarious and about as charming as they come. Enjoy!

*Please note that this is in fact a dirty joke, and yet he manages to tell the whole thing without once a-cussin'. (Sunofabitch doesn't count if you're Italian.)

Best Night Ever!

Hey kids! Here I am on Best Night Ever, the daily podcast of BestWeekEver.tv. It's almost as good as my Dad talking about carp!

Bulletin of TRUTH

All the kidz on MySpace know that more often than not bulletins are typically not worthy of much attention. But every so often one will catch my eye and I'll open it. Such as:

"You Might Be From Oswego County IF."

Now, typically I hate these sorts of Foxworthyian lists, but since I just got back from visiting my parents this weekend and experienced and/or found an essential truth in at least 12 of these, I thought it was worth a post, and thereby a glimpse into the place I come from:

1. Your idea of a traffic jam is 10 cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway.

2. "Vacation" means going to Syracuse for the weekend.

3. You measure distance in hours.

4. You know several people who have hit deer more than once.

5. You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.

6. You stay in your house most of the summer because you aren't used to the heat.

7. You drive at 55 mph through 10 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching.

8. You see people wearing hunting clothes at social events.

9. You install security lights on your house and garage but leave both unlocked.

10. One of your neighbors constantly has bonfires.

11. You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them.

12. There are 7 empty cars running in the parking lot at the supermarket at any given time.

13. Your idea of a huge party is one with lots of cheap beer and some people you go to school with.

14. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.

15. You think sexy lingerie is silk pajamas from Wal-Mart.

16. You know 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, end of winter, construction.

17. It takes you 2 hours to go to the store for one item even when you're in a rush because you have to stop and talk to everyone in town.

18. At least 6 people that you see a day have beards and stains on the front of their shirt.

19. Cows are just part of the scenery.

20. You or someone you know has a car that sounds like a big truck and can barely make it 20 miles yet no one says anything about it.

Plus, this is a perfect precursor to this amazing (a-hem) "short film" I made of my father talking about the origins of carp.

GET READY!

Half-caf Mocha Carolynchino

I had the pleasure of performing at a fantabulous and amazing comedy show at RiFiFi on Tuesday night called "The Beauty Queens of Comedy" (is that enough sugar, girls?), during which I was described by the lovely Susannah Perlman as "frothy."

That got me thinking about what a great adjective frothy really is for me... because cappuccinos are frothy, and frothy cappuccinos are an acquired taste. But once you get hooked, you'll be willing to pay up to $5 for one.

$5! That means I could start charging for shows...

Ka-CHING!

Apologies

Sorry guys, forgot to tell you that I was going on a UN Peacekeeping Mission to Togo. I just arrived here yesterday and man is it hot! I'll be here probably until tomorrow.

Here's a picture of our squad:

Akpae ka ka ka!

Another Two for Tuesday!

TONIGHT - FREE MINI CUPCAKES FROM SUGAR SWEET SUNSHINE!

*Anything But Stand-Up*

8 pm ~ Mo Pitkin's ~ 34 Ave. A (2nd/3rd)

FREE! (But you should buy a nice martini to wash down the cupcakes.)

Featuring the stellar talents of:

Brandy Barber (The Kissing Booth)
Julie Klausner and Sue Galloway (Free to be Friends)
Carla Rhodes (Master of the Ventriloquilistic Arts)
Goddess Perlman (Goddess, duh.)
Mindy Raf (Leibya Rogers)
Robin Gelfenbien (Funny, funny songstress)

Hosted by moi.

Enjoy a fantastic show, eat some delicious desserts, wish Brian Van a Happy Birthday!

*Beauty Queens of Comedy*

10 pm ~ RiFiFi ~ 332 E. 11th St. (1st/2nd)

FREE! (But you should buy a nice beer to wash down the cold cream.)

Presented by Claudia Cogan and Susannah Perlman. Comedy, beauty tips, booze - the trifecta of happiness.

This one takes it to a whole 'nuther level...

Related New York Post Headlines:

NYPD POO

City Hires First Shitty Cop

***

NEW YORK'S SHINIEST

NYFD hires this woman to put out fires... in people's pants!

Life is Sweet

Just saw a by-all-conventional-accounts drop-dead-gorgeous blond woman walking down the street with her skirt shoved way up her ass.

*sigh*

I wanted to tell her, butt that's embarrASSing.

If X, Then Why?

A lesson in logic, courtesy of FIFA:

IF:

Captain "Headbutt" Zidane getting a red card

=

Him being awarded the Golden Ball...

THEN:

The terrorist actions of Al Zarqawi

=

Him being posthumously awarded the Nobel Peace Prize.

Hey - did you guys know Hoboken was so beautiful?

Wow. Actually, New Jersey is a lot nicer than you think. It's like, the home of Bon Jovi, after all.

Shout out to Hoboken Comedy Night! Check out the next one in August.

Anonymous Tip

Based on an anonymous comment I received on my previous post, it appears to be okay to carry dead bodies around, but not to smoke cigarettes.

Just trying to tip you all off on the latest social mores.

These are the contents of my purse...

...in the order which they were retrieved:

Small green planner
Black gel roller pen
Black floral makeup bag
Black leather wallet
Legal pad with stuff written all over it
Pack of Parliament Lights
Lots of Random Loose Paper/Bills
Jessy Delfino's CD cover
A small notebook
Another small notebook
Sunglasses in a case
Pack of American Spirit Lights - 2 fags left
Stick of Secret Platinum Invisible Solid - Powder Fresh
Broken silver cigarette case - I mean, ID holder
Matches
Cell Phone
3 tubes of lip gloss - all different brands, yet all the same shade
Rhinestone ponytail holder
Wonder Woman magnet, Margarita magnet, "We Can Do It" magnet, Rhode Island magnet
Top to J'adore perfum bottle
Red pen, black roller ball pen
Orange rubber-tip Gerber baby spoon
A dime
Jimmy Hoffa
The Weapons of Mass Destruction
Ken Lay's suicide note
Madonna's virginity
Napoleon Bonaparte
Mr. Softee

*I have got to get a smaller purse.*

Movin' on up!

To the Upper, Upper East Side. To a dee-lux apartment... WITH A TUB!

Oh, yes. A tub.

Do you know how long I've waited to have a tub?

Let me illustrate.

This is a copy of I post I made on this blog on Friday, November 19, 2004, titled "Why is this not my bathroom?":

Remember what it was like having a tub, Carolyn?

Yes, Carolyn, I do. It was my parent's tub, and it still is theirs, but because I was living in their house and I was not yet 18 it was MY tub, too.

Yeah, that was great, wasn't it, Carolyn?

Yeah, man. Awesome.

Don't worry, someday you'll have a tub again, Carolyn.

I know, Carolyn. Thanks for reminding me to stay positive. You are such a good friend to me.

No, Carolyn. I AM you.

Oh.

*end of post*

And that is how long I've waited to have a tub.

So guess what I did this morning?

I TOOK A BUBBLE BATH! A BUBBLE BATH!

I felt like a zillionaire. In fact, when I got dressed I put on this shirt:

Feelin' good - lookin' great!

And guess what else? When I get home, and my shirt is soiled from a long, hard day of blogging, I CAN THROW IT RIGHT INTO MY VERY OWN WASHER AND DRYER!

What say ye, sire?

Oh, play not coy with me, thou buxom wench! Thou hast eyes to see and ears to hear! I hath sayedeth it!

It's like having one of these that you can hide in a closet.

Seriously you guys, if I never find fame and fortune, at least I'll be poor and alone in clean underwear. And now I can die in peace.

Conversation I had last night on 118 & Lex

The scene: Me, walking up to my new place in my brown Target best. I pass two shirtless gentlemen on the street.

S.G. #1: Hello, miss. Brown is my favorite color.

Carolyn: (internally) Hahaha! Me too...

S.G. #2: Have a great day, cookie!

Carolyn: still walking, throws an index finger wave up in acknowledgement that "cookie" is the best compliment she's ever received.

And they lived happily ever after...

Ka-Boom!

I didn't get to see the fireworks last night because we were still busy unpacking, but this amazing photo by Ryan Brenizer just about says it all.

I did get to go to a BBQ Monday night where I saw a screening of the secret thing I taped recently and it was even better than I thought! Oh so psyched! I saw the beautiful AlexisT there, who said just about the best thing anyone could ever say to a mother:

"I love the way you're raising your kid. You take her everywhere with you. She's not gonna be 15 and get loaded and give a lot of shitty BJ's to a bunch of guys. She's gonna be the girl all her friends call for advice."

That's right. Adriana's BJ's will not be shitty! You heard it here first.

BBQ PICS:

A Novel Idea

It's been a slow week for blogging because we moved into our new apartment this weekend. And unpacking box after box, book after half-read book (Paris Opera/Baltimore Aquarium/John Brown Wax Museum bookmark still in place) got me thinking about how few novels I've actually read from start to finish in my life.

They are:

Harry Potter I
Harry Potter II

No, I don't know the actual names of these books. I think Year One might be called "The Goblet of Fire" and Year Two is called "Next Year When I'm Old Enough I Want Hermione to Play with My Snake."

I've also read:

The Girl With the Pearl Earring
About a Boy

And I read both of them before the films were even made, a-thank you very much.

Plus:

One of the Huck Finn books - I think.
The Bible

Novels that I skimmed/pretended to read for classes in high school yet somehow still got A's on the associated papers:

Sister Carrie
The Scarlet Letter
Anything and everything by Dickens
One of the Huck Finn books - I think.

I have, however, been a fairly voracious reader of non-fiction for quite some time, so don't worry that the only thing I've ever read cover to cover is US Weekly. (I read Life & Style, too.)

Now, I must have about ten half-heartedly started books in my room right now that I really should finish.

They are (in no particular order):

Title: Citizen Girl by Emma McLaughlin & Nikola Kraus (the authors of the bestselling "The Nanny Diaries.")

Page I left off on: 36.

Reason: The Hartford Courant says, "The humor is sharper than a stiletto heel and the outrage is palpable." Yeah, my outrage at the fact that I actually spent money on what is effectively toilet paper with 10 point Times New Roman all over it. (Okay, maybe it's 12 point.)

Bookmark: The front sleeve.

Title: Walking on Water, subtitled Reflections on Faith and Art by Madeline L'Engle.

Page I left off on: 105.

Reason: A gift from one of my voice teachers in college. I stopped reading when she RSVP'd yes to my wedding and then never showed. That plate of chicken cost me $50!

Bookmark: A half-used sheet of Hello Kitty stickers.

Title: Stealing Jesus, subtitled How Fundamentalism Betrays Christianity by Bruce Bawer.

Page I left off on: 105.

Reason: Bush got elected. Again.

Bookmark: A picture of Aspen trees that says Colorado. (Are you listening, HBO? Surely you must be looking for more semi-literate comedians for the Blue Collar Comedy Book Tour.)

Title: Haven by Ruth Gruber, subtitled The Dramatic Story of 1,000 World War II Refugees and How They Came to America.

Page I left off on: 201.

Reason: Nobody died.

Bookmark: A gold star of David that reads "Jood." KIDDING! It's a silver cross.

I don't know why I stopped reading this book. It's great and I really need to finish it. I think this one will be first on my (Schindler's) list of completion. It's about my hometown and how we sheltered Jews and other refugees during the War. It's the one thing we have to be proud of besides snow.

Title: Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte

Page I left off on: 193.

Reason: Nobody got laid.

Bookmark: A yellow postcard acknowledging receipt of my application for the University of Cincinnati College-Conservatory of Music for 1999. (It was for a Master's Degree in Vocal Performance. Needless to say, I was a little unsure of my future back then, and becoming an opera singer seemed like the thing to do. It's certainly a more stable career than becoming, say, a temp.)

Title: The Hobbit or There and Back Again by Peter Jackson J.R.R. Tolkien

Page I left off on: 210

Reason: What? I'm sorry - was I supposed to be answering a question? I think I fell asleep...

Bookmark: The back sleeve.

Title: Woman by Natalie Angier

Page I left off on: 197.

Reason: I got over my lesbian phase.

Bookmark: A picture of a baby giving the middle finger that says, "Scheiss Milch... Ich Will Bier!" Talk about your foreshadowing!

Title: The Orchid Thief by Susan Orlean.

Page I left off on: 129.

Reason: I couldn't keep track of all the Nicholas Cages.

Bookmark: Ticket stub for Adaptation.

Please note: This blog post is not so much a memoir as it is a work of fiction. Some of the facts may be embellished for comedic effect. Like the fact that I got over my lesbian phase, for example.