Monday, July 31, 2006
They used nothing but their hair and toilet water. Impressive, no?
Click the logo for more info on the show, yo. Thanks, Heather.
Friday, July 28, 2006
I thought Jesus traveled by chariot?
Jesus for Jews? Wow. I mean, being the good former-Catholic that I am, I understand that Jesus is inside all of us, but really now. Each and everyone of them is Jesus? Jesus! That's a lot of Jesus.
And what is the strategy there, anyway? I mean, I can see calling yourself a Jew for Jesus, because in effect you're saying, "Yo, I may be a Jew, but Jesus is My Homeboy, y'all."
After all, he is pretty hard to resist.
But still... calling your group Jesus for Jews is pretty sly if your goal is to try to break the "Jewish psyche." After all, Woody Allen preaches that being Jewish is all about having terrible guilt, and as you know, Woody Allen is right about everything. Ergo, I postulate this manner of proselytizing is highly effective, breaking it down as such:
"Joh. Jesus died for Jew, mang. How could Jew not appreciate that? I mean, jour little friend Jon never calls Jew back, and jet Jew made him jour best man?! Jew can't turn away from someone who was crucified for Jew. Can Jew? I don't think so, mang."
I don't know what these kids are after, and someone once suggested to me that this really is an organization full of Christians posing as Jews to try to convert more people. That wouldn't surprise me at all. It seems that instead of trying to embrace Judeo-Christian heritage like the UU's do, JFJ is about getting people to get saved. What's the point of that? If I'm gonna be a Jew for Jesus (or a Christian for Gefilte Fish) I want to be able to celebrate both faiths. I wanna light eight candles on my Christmas tree. I wanna put colored Easter eggs out on the Seder plate. I wanna have my brisket and eat it on Fridays, too!
I say! Is that too much to ask? Jesus!
Thursday, July 27, 2006
Let's see... we've got a black one, a white one and a yellow one... what else would look good here? I know - red! Somebody get me an Indian! And I'm not talking about the red-dot kind, I'm talking about the alcoholic, feather-wearing, casino-owning kind. Brad, pack your bags, sweetie, we're off to Nevada!
Let's take a look at the possible adoptive children of the other celebrities mentioned above through Benetton ads, shall we?
Adoptive mothers can breast feed now... and the baby would certainly look like at least one of its relatives.
I've been meaning to blog so much more lately, but I've got whiplash from watching those new VW Rabbit commercials. You know the ones where you think you're watching some cute young people of different races drive along in giggly harmony and then THEY ALMOST DIE RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOUR EYES?
That totally makes me want to buy a car.
Whatever happened to this campaign?
That was advertising magic.
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
Monday, July 24, 2006
Okay. I want you to try doing this right now. I don't care if you're a guy or a girl - I don't care if you're alone in your apartment or you're in your cube across from your boss - stick the back of your tongue up against the roof of your mouth. DO IT!
Now try to smile.
Feel like you look like this?
That's because you do. Happy Thanksgiving, Pilgrim.
That's an appropriate gift to give a woman who just had a baby, don'tcha think? "Here fat ass - in case you don't have a mirror..."
Okay, okay - there were flowers in it when I got it, but I'm too broke to pay those back.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MISHIEB! (Photos by Brian Van.)
Friday, July 21, 2006
Thursday, July 20, 2006
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
This is a video I took this weekend of my father telling one of his infamous jokes.* While my father is not what he'd call "one of them educated idiots," he is by turns a gripping storyteller, a wonderful person, sometimes scary, often hilarious and about as charming as they come. Enjoy!
*Please note that this is in fact a dirty joke, and yet he manages to tell the whole thing without once a-cussin'. (Sunofabitch doesn't count if you're Italian.)
Monday, July 17, 2006
1. Your idea of a traffic jam is 10 cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway.
Friday, July 14, 2006
Thursday, July 13, 2006
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
Julie Klausner and Sue Galloway (Free to be Friends)
Carla Rhodes (Master of the Ventriloquilistic Arts)
Goddess Perlman (Goddess, duh.)
Mindy Raf (Leibya Rogers)
Robin Gelfenbien (Funny, funny songstress)
Monday, July 10, 2006
Sunday, July 09, 2006
Saturday, July 08, 2006
Friday, July 07, 2006
Small green planner
Black gel roller pen
Black floral makeup bag
Black leather wallet
Legal pad with stuff written all over it
Pack of Parliament Lights
Lots of Random Loose Paper/Bills
Jessy Delfino's CD cover
A small notebook
Another small notebook
Sunglasses in a case
Pack of American Spirit Lights - 2 fags left
Stick of Secret Platinum Invisible Solid - Powder Fresh
Broken silver cigarette case - I mean, ID holder
3 tubes of lip gloss - all different brands, yet all the same shade
Rhinestone ponytail holder
Wonder Woman magnet, Margarita magnet, "We Can Do It" magnet, Rhode Island magnet
Top to J'adore perfum bottle
Red pen, black roller ball pen
Orange rubber-tip Gerber baby spoon
The Weapons of Mass Destruction
Ken Lay's suicide note
*I have got to get a smaller purse.*
Thursday, July 06, 2006
Oh, yes. A tub.
Do you know how long I've waited to have a tub?
Let me illustrate.
This is a copy of I post I made on this blog on Friday, November 19, 2004, titled "Why is this not my bathroom?":
Yes, Carolyn, I do. It was my parent's tub, and it still is theirs, but because I was living in their house and I was not yet 18 it was MY tub, too.
Yeah, that was great, wasn't it, Carolyn?
Yeah, man. Awesome.
Don't worry, someday you'll have a tub again, Carolyn.
I know, Carolyn. Thanks for reminding me to stay positive. You are such a good friend to me.
No, Carolyn. I AM you.
*end of post*
And that is how long I've waited to have a tub.
So guess what I did this morning?
I TOOK A BUBBLE BATH! A BUBBLE BATH!
I felt like a zillionaire. In fact, when I got dressed I put on this shirt:
Feelin' good - lookin' great!
And guess what else? When I get home, and my shirt is soiled from a long, hard day of blogging, I CAN THROW IT RIGHT INTO MY VERY OWN WASHER AND DRYER!
What say ye, sire?
Oh, play not coy with me, thou buxom wench! Thou hast eyes to see and ears to hear! I hath sayedeth it!
It's like having one of these that you can hide in a closet.
Seriously you guys, if I never find fame and fortune, at least I'll be poor and alone in clean underwear. And now I can die in peace.
S.G. #1: Hello, miss. Brown is my favorite color.
Carolyn: (internally) Hahaha! Me too...
S.G. #2: Have a great day, cookie!
Carolyn: still walking, throws an index finger wave up in acknowledgement that "cookie" is the best compliment she's ever received.
And they lived happily ever after...
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
I did get to go to a BBQ Monday night where I saw a screening of the secret thing I taped recently and it was even better than I thought! Oh so psyched! I saw the beautiful AlexisT there, who said just about the best thing anyone could ever say to a mother:
"I love the way you're raising your kid. You take her everywhere with you. She's not gonna be 15 and get loaded and give a lot of shitty BJ's to a bunch of guys. She's gonna be the girl all her friends call for advice."
That's right. Adriana's BJ's will not be shitty! You heard it here first.
Tuesday, July 04, 2006
Harry Potter I
Harry Potter II
No, I don't know the actual names of these books. I think Year One might be called "The Goblet of Fire" and Year Two is called "Next Year When I'm Old Enough I Want Hermione to Play with My Snake."
I've also read:
The Girl With the Pearl Earring
About a Boy
And I read both of them before the films were even made, a-thank you very much.
One of the Huck Finn books - I think.
Novels that I skimmed/pretended to read for classes in high school yet somehow still got A's on the associated papers:
The Scarlet Letter
Anything and everything by Dickens
One of the Huck Finn books - I think.
I have, however, been a fairly voracious reader of non-fiction for quite some time, so don't worry that the only thing I've ever read cover to cover is US Weekly. (I read Life & Style, too.)
Now, I must have about ten half-heartedly started books in my room right now that I really should finish.
They are (in no particular order):
Title: Citizen Girl by Emma McLaughlin & Nikola Kraus (the authors of the bestselling "The Nanny Diaries.")
Page I left off on: 36.
Reason: The Hartford Courant says, "The humor is sharper than a stiletto heel and the outrage is palpable." Yeah, my outrage at the fact that I actually spent money on what is effectively toilet paper with 10 point Times New Roman all over it. (Okay, maybe it's 12 point.)
Bookmark: The front sleeve.
Title: Walking on Water, subtitled Reflections on Faith and Art by Madeline L'Engle.
Page I left off on: 105.
Reason: A gift from one of my voice teachers in college. I stopped reading when she RSVP'd yes to my wedding and then never showed. That plate of chicken cost me $50!
Bookmark: A half-used sheet of Hello Kitty stickers.
Title: Stealing Jesus, subtitled How Fundamentalism Betrays Christianity by Bruce Bawer.
Page I left off on: 105.
Reason: Bush got elected. Again.
Bookmark: A picture of Aspen trees that says Colorado. (Are you listening, HBO? Surely you must be looking for more semi-literate comedians for the Blue Collar Comedy Book Tour.)
Title: Haven by Ruth Gruber, subtitled The Dramatic Story of 1,000 World War II Refugees and How They Came to America.
Page I left off on: 201.
Reason: Nobody died.
Bookmark: A gold star of David that reads "Jood." KIDDING! It's a silver cross.
I don't know why I stopped reading this book. It's great and I really need to finish it. I think this one will be first on my (Schindler's) list of completion. It's about my hometown and how we sheltered Jews and other refugees during the War. It's the one thing we have to be proud of besides snow.
Title: Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte
Page I left off on: 193.
Reason: Nobody got laid.
Bookmark: A yellow postcard acknowledging receipt of my application for the University of Cincinnati College-Conservatory of Music for 1999. (It was for a Master's Degree in Vocal Performance. Needless to say, I was a little unsure of my future back then, and becoming an opera singer seemed like the thing to do. It's certainly a more stable career than becoming, say, a temp.)
Title: The Hobbit or There and Back Again by
Page I left off on: 210
Reason: What? I'm sorry - was I supposed to be answering a question? I think I fell asleep...
Bookmark: The back sleeve.
Title: Woman by Natalie Angier
Page I left off on: 197.
Reason: I got over my lesbian phase.
Bookmark: A picture of a baby giving the middle finger that says, "Scheiss Milch... Ich Will Bier!" Talk about your foreshadowing!
Title: The Orchid Thief by Susan Orlean.
Page I left off on: 129.
Reason: I couldn't keep track of all the Nicholas Cages.
Bookmark: Ticket stub for Adaptation.
Please note: This blog post is not so much a memoir as it is a work of fiction. Some of the facts may be embellished for comedic effect. Like the fact that I got over my lesbian phase, for example.