What comedians read on the road...

You may recall that my friend and fellow comedian Jen Dziura received some porn that caused quite a stir at her bridal shower.

Well, she may be a married woman now, but that doesn't mean she's curbed her need for pulp:

Jen in Boise, Idaho. State vegetable: potato. State passtime: "Plumpers."

I guess Jen's not the only one using lip-plumping gloss elsewhere!

From her email on the subject:

There was also a copy of "Big Butt Magazine," and two Playboys, giving a 50/50 ratio of BBW to regular porn.

BBW. Bigg Butt Women. Check.

So much for "middle-America" and its values, Ida-HO!

p.s. - In case you didn't notice, call 888-YOU-FRESH to talk to Euro Whores.

Visions of East Harlem (Now With Captions!)

I took a lot of pictures this weekend, but I thought it would be interesting to show you these particular photos I took of the neighborhood. I loved these murals at PS 208 (the lady in the purple hair and the orange housecoat is me) and the two posts below this speak for themselves...

This is where I took the pictures. (As I mentioned.)

He can fly because he's wearing his magic red shoe. I don't know why his mouth is falling off, though.

It's like Hebrew - you read it from right to left.

The original couple in "The Producers."

Go ahead, girl - vent!

Who says white girls can't jump? Or at least Asian girls with pink hair, anyway...

10 years later and she's still wearing the same shirt...

Kong-size pig or teeny-tiny clouds? I prefer Kong-sized pig, myself. Cuz I think that's how New York should go down. In a pig fight.

In the wrong neighborhood, even deer get arrested.

Memorial's Day

SURPRISE!

Fabulous

Describes the kinda weekend I had, and the homeless guy who asked me for 60 cents and a cigarette at 5:30 this morning. What was I doing awake not to mention in public at 5:30 this morning? Well, I was writing and recording some bits for the radio, friends.

Click the monkey. Do it.

It was a super experience and I was flanked by some supreme talent, including my buddy Jason Zumwalt from The Post Show.

And, um, just a reminder:

$5. You gotta see this shit! It's gonna hit the wall.

Enjoy the long weekend, kids!

Three minutes later...

http://stephendelasheras.com/

Conversation I had last night on 115 and 1st.

Sixteen year-old boy: God Bless You, Miss.

Me: You too, honey.

Sixteen year-old boy stops, turns, looks.

SYOB: It's possible that I could call you sometime?

Me: I'm married, honey.

SYOB: Waaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhw.

I take it back. Maybe he was only 15. But it's good know I've still got it!

Ode to Fleet Week

Red sky at night, sailor's delight.

Red sky in the morning,

chances are that sailor's eyes are bloodshot from drinking at Applebee's all night.

Live Blogging the American Idol Finale

Who are these people? The one in the middle is Teri Hatcher's son, right?

Looks like mama's proud.

Anyhoo! 9 pm. Just tuned in. Carrie Underwood is sitting on a stool, singing.

Got it. What's next?

Toni Braxton! Not bad.

Okay, I take that back.

"Woo!" Bad.

Taylor seemed pretty excited to be singing with her, though.

"In the ghetto! Woo! In the ghetto! Mame! What we need in this ghetto is a little Christmas in Miami, Maude!"

9:16. Wait - they're not making the super-fat girl sing "I'm Every Woman," are they?

Oh shit. They are.

Moments later...

Ryan Seacrest: Will you sing for us here tonight while we're live?

Michael Sandecki (the self-appointed "next Clay Aiken"): Sure! I'm gay-me!

Stop! I am, too. But we don't have to tell anyone. They just know.

"Because losing American Idol feels like Clay going down on me..."

9:26.

Bacharach Attack!

Burt, really. American Idol? Again? I think it's time you ask yourself: What Would Elvis Do?

Clever. Wrong Elvis. But clever.

"I mean, what an idiot this one is, right folks?"

"I don't care what that fancy-pants Costello has to say about you, Castiglia! You're number one in my book baby! And I'm a REAL MAN! On skates!"

9:32. What's the age range on this show? There is a ten year old boy singing What's New, Pussycat? Someone call his mother.

9:34.

Dionne. Fucking. Warblewick. WILL IT NEVER END???

Oh wait - my cat just died. On the last note of "That's What Friends Are For." Ironic.

I swear to God if Whitney shows up on this night of nights I will be about to shit my couch.

Oh! Michelle Buteau calling! Lemme just see what that bitch wants.

Blahbitty blahbitty hoo-ha, my shows are all cancelled cuz of American Idol - I know girl, mine too. Where can I get some good chicken near the Improv? etc.

Tuning back into Idol.

WHAT...............................................

I did not just miss all but the last 5 seconds of The Artist.

On American Idol.

AM I DYING? IS THE EARTH CAVING IN AROUND ME RIGHT NOW? BECAUSE THIS SHIT IS JUST NOT RIGHT!

The good news is, the Sabres are winning. And so are the Yankees.

And so is Taylor Hicks. Congratulations, Taylor! You won the majority of the 63.4 million votes cast! That's more votes than any president has received in the history of our nation!

GO TEAM!

10:00 pm. Taylor sings his special song, "Do I Make You Proud?"

10:02 pm. Camera pans to Simon Cowell on the key change.

Clearly the answer is no.

10:03 pm. I contemplate having my tubes tied.

10:04 pm. Was that really David Hasselhoff? Crying? Over Taylor Hicks?

We may never know for sure, but I'm goin' with yes.

How to Attend a Comedy Show.

No one's ever said it better.

Rapture

Could this be me?

We'll see!

In the meantime, check this out:

Forever Your Girl

Matt Sears Forever, you guys. For reals.

No News is Good News!

Guys, busy weekend. Busy life. Please let me plug this amazing, amazing show:

I highly recommend you attend! ONLY $5. Word.

Cooking With Gas

Last night my friend Katina and I were just sittin' outside of the deli after the show, sippin' on a few beers, when all of a sudden this homeless guy walks up and says, "Can I have a cigarette?" Of course, I'm used to being asked for cigarettes by homeless men, a) because I'm always outside smoking in the East Village and b) because I'm a crazy magnet.

+

=

Anyhoo! I look up to give the guy a smoke, and I notice his head is bleeding. Katina and I are both shocked, then worried, and he says, "Don't worry, I'm goin' up to the hospital now. I'm bleeding, I know. Thanks, girls. Have a great night."

Have a great night?

Don't worry, you guys - I'll be fine... I just need a cigarette.

So we hang out on the veranda of the bodega til we get kicked out, and on our way to the subway, another homeless guy calls out to us and says, "Hey girls, you got any change?"

Carolyn: "Sorry, honey. No."

HG: "Oh - but I love fat women!"

Let's just pause and take that in.

"Oh - but I love fat women!"

Oh no he di-in't.

Carolyn: "So do we - that's why we're dating."

Katina was surprised I went for the lesbian reference, but I think she secretly liked it.

HG: OH! I GET IT!

Sure you do, fella. Sure you do.

Thank God It's Friday!

Ode to Times Square

That cluster-fuck of genius.

1.) Or should I say, One, the campaign with a new electronic billboard at the core of the Big Apple. Only Bono, the world's "rock and roll Jesus with a cowboy mouth," could find a way to parlay one of his song titles into an anti-poverty/anti-AIDS movement. Cuz let's face it, though "Like a Virgin" is a great name for a campaign centered around wearing white bands, (and would slyly allude to one of the myths that has contributed to the spread of AIDS in Africa) it's not gonna get people to donate funds.

Now, if you know me, or if you've ever met Mama Zimbabwe, you know that I think AIDS in Africa is a horrible problem and I love Bono's work. But I just don't get how pictures of pretty people like Penelope looking pathetic are gonna help.

Don't hate me because I'm beautiful. Hate me because I can't speak English.

2.) If you're a comic, and you bark, does that make you a dog?

YOU LIKE STAND-UP COMEDY?

STAND-UP COMEDY!

COMEDY?

No. No. The answer is no.

(McCarthy agrees.)

3.) Lastly, ladies... I know it's so comfy you sometimes forget it's there, but never walk out of the office looking like this:

Even homeless people will think you're nuts.