Friday, April 21, 2006
Don't get me wrong - I am not a huge person by any means. And I've always enjoyed being, how do you say in English... plumply pleasant, no? But now...
I think my junk in the trunk has turned into trash in the can.
Take a look at these before and after photos...
Thursday, April 20, 2006
Wednesday, April 19, 2006
Guess what Holland in Spring means???
Dutch people are crazy. And pink, apparently.
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
I mean, look... they're on the beach on their album cover and everything!
Some people just wanna do things the hard way, I guess...
Monday, April 17, 2006
Everytime I see one of these signs, it's always next to one of these signs:
PEPPER DENNIS: The apocalypse is coming.
Then when I Googled 6+6+06 to see what these signs were all about, this popped up:
It really is the end of the world.
(Or a clever, scary film ad.)
Friday, April 14, 2006
Thursday, April 13, 2006
Wednesday, April 12, 2006
Ah, no Em, you have a case of date rape. And to think "Cleanin' Out My Closet" didn't tip me off...
Finally, I'm glad Hollaback appreciates diversity, but just take a look at the guy with the pink phone. I mean, really now!
p.s. - Here's a pic of the owner of the Hollaback logo on Flickr. Now I know why she gets so many cat calls! Yowza! En fuego. That kinda puts things in perspective.
Tuesday, April 11, 2006
yawning....you're kind of a dick, aren't you?
I was yawning cuz I was tired. Which is why I needed coffee. But yeah, I am kind of a dick. It just depends how much of an asshole I think you are.
oops... you're a chick. i guess i mean bitc#.
No, I'd say more of a dick. You were right the first time! Trust your instincts, my friend!
Were your hands folded across your chest? Or your arms? Picture it. Because I think, with the yawning+shades+folding stuff you were trying to get across the whole "too cool for school" thing, but hands folded across your chest would really look really really stupid. I think you meant arms.
No, I meant hands. This is how I wait for coffee:
Just tryin' to warm up the milk!
If you're so cool why are you in a Starbucks? You're a fuckin' mope is what you are!I hope you intend to make money blogging because YOU'RE WASTING YOUR TIME, CHOWDERHEAD!
And you're reading my blog at 12:19 am 'cuz...?
Awesome, I'm so glad the wannabe pretentious "New Yorker" is alive and well! "Oh, I just CAN'T be bothered until I get my super-sized green soy skim vanilla cappabullshit from fancy Dunkin' Donuts!"Do us a favor and hurry up and move (back?) to Jersey, douchebag. THANK. GOD.
I love Dunkin' Donuts. I'm not from Jersey. I'm from upstate New York. I hate soy. I love vanilla. The green tea latte is only okay - it gets a little strong at the bottom. But boy does it give you a really nice poop! I mean, I think I lost 5 pounds that day! Whew! I get it now, Diane Sawyer. I GET IT!
I'm sorry - you were saying?
Oh - that I'm pretentious. Right.
weird, people can be so mean! (see above comments) WHAT is with all the hating? i found your story to be quite amusing. plus, who the hell goes to hooters?
Apparently a lot of people who don't want to give their names.
Monday, April 10, 2006
Friday, April 07, 2006
Me: (wearing shades indoors, yawning, hands folded across my chest) silently shakes head no
Hipster-ish Dude To My Right: 56th and Broadway.
Me: (internally) No, Citibank is on 56th and Broadway. Oh yeah, I think it's on 7th. (out loud) I think it's on 56th and 7th, actually.
HDTMR: 56th and Broadway.
Me: No, Citibank is on 56th and Broadway.
HDTMR: Yeah, it's right across the street from there. Trust me, I've been there a bunch of times.
Me: Well, either way, you'll find it.
PYST: So it's not far...
HDTMR: It's a one minute walk.
PYST: Well, I'm no New York walker-person!
Barista: Grande Green Tea Latte?
Me: (internally) THANK. GOD.
Oh! I'm sorry! I believe this map taken off of Hooters.com indicates that it's on 7th f*cking Avenue, dick-face*!
Enjoy your wings, PYST. I'm sure HDTMR was enjoying your breasts and thighs.
*I don't really care about this, do I?
I find myself telling people, “See ya, I’ll text you later.”
But I’m having trouble conjugating the new word in the past tense.
EXAMPLE: “What happened last night? I texted you last night.”
I feel like an idiot when I say, “texted”.
We need to come up with another word to describe the act of sending a text message.
Here's what I told him:
Sent U A Text.
Even the long form looks like short form, thus embodying the entire text messaging experience.
Here’s how to use it:
“I suat you last night. Did you get it?”
You can use suat as a verb and a noun, thus having to avoid saying “text” at all.
Now I realize saying “suat you” is a little like saying “ATM Machine,” but I think it works.
Plus I think it sounds kind of sexy, as in, “Girl I want to make you SUAT. Suat ’til you can’t suat no more…”
And now, strangely, I want to drink rum and dance.
(But I'll be sure to let you know what Dan says in between songs.)
Congrats to our winner, comedian Dan Allen! He went home with possibly the last fuzzy, pink "I Love Ashton" trucker hat ever made.
"When the manuscript was discovered in the 1970s, it was intact, but it deteriorated severely after it was put in a safe-deposit box on Long Island, New York, where it remained for 16 years..."
Hey, you keep anything on Long Island for 16 years, it's bound to fall apart.
(But you can catch the full story Sunday night at 9 on National Geographic. I know I will!)
I so hope someone finds this blog in 2,000 years and blows Western society apart with it.
Thursday, April 06, 2006
The Mitzvah Tank is following me around, I swear to G-d. Last year the RV known as the MT ended up on the corner of 2nd Ave. and 5th Street, right outside of Sin Sin, where as you know I used to be every Wednesday for a little show we said goodbye to last night called The Social. (I wonder if they parked outside of "Sin Sin" on purpose? I guess they figured whoever was inside really needed help.) So anyway, my good buddies (and half-Jews) Jenny Rubin and Laura Mannino scored some candles off the Tank last year, but the boys running the show wouldn't give me any, despite my pleas of "But I'm a Black, Jewish lesbian on the inside, officer! And isn't that what counts?"
Today the Heebmobile is parked in Times Square, crankin' out the krazy klezmer hits. The tourists must be dee-lighted that they get to see the MARS-tian and boys with curly sideburns all in one fell swoop. (I know I can't resist a man in suit and tzitzit.) Anyway - on my way in and out of the building today I got asked four times if I was Jewish! Four times! I am so excited. I have rachov cred! Awesome.
I was raised Catholic, but I flirted with convertin' for a looong time. (That's what makes me the "Charlotte" among my friends. But the fact that I have a baby makes me the "Miranda!" So my best girlfriends call me "Charanda." Isn't that cute?!) I even bought Judaism for Dummies at one point - which is a total oxymoron, right?! I kinda gave up on the whole mikvah thing, but I still try to celebrate Passover each year because it's a waaay more interesting and religious holiday than Easter. (So Jesus rose from the dead! That's just magic. I mean, Harry Potter doesn't have his own holiday - yet.)
I guess I'm feelin' a little less Jew-y this year because we're taking the baby to Holland to be Baptized. When I told my mother, she said, "Well, I just hope it sticks, Carolyn." I assured her that since the word "catholic" means universal, I think Adriana's soul will be safe - despite the fact that she'll be dipped in the same water bathed in by professional pot-smoking whores. She said okay, but I don't think she meant it.
Wednesday, April 05, 2006
For more great pics of Times Square in the snow check out this beautiful photoblog. I'm in TS now on the 32nd floor and the view is so hot I can't believe this shit is not melting mid-air! It's like being in a cloud. A cold, swirly cloud of sprinkle-fluff.
Thank god I didn't wear my flip-flops again today! I've a had a strong inability to dress weather-appropriately since birth - which is what happens when you grow up in Antarctica - you wear shorts the first 50 degree day of Spring.
What? You never seen a lady gettin' a tan before?
So yesterday, in honor of daylight savings time, I paraded around in ff's, shades and a tank (with a well-hung scarf, just in case.) Much to my chagrin, people kept glaring at me on the street with smart little smirks on their faces. "Ha! You thought it was warm out. Idiot! Sunshine does not equal warmth. Everyone knows that. Everyone but YOU, obviously..." I felt like Mary Kate Olsen. You know - misunderstood. I guess we're just ahead of the curve, right MK?
MK... proving my theory to be true:
SUNGLASSES MAKE YOU AWESOME.
"Thank you! Goodnight."