"What do you mean you're a vegetarian? Fish ain't meat! If it was, they wouldn't serve it on Fridays."
Friday, March 31, 2006
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
From the Philadelphia Daily News:
AT FIRST glance she looks like a turkey about to be basted. Or maybe the center in a game of naked/pregnant football. Say what you will about Britney Spears, she's no longer just a plump pop tart.
Spears is the subject of art, the inspiration for Daniel Edwards' sculpture, "Monument to Pro-Life: The Birth of Sean Preston," and soon to be on display at the Capla Kesting Fine Art Gallery (their description, not ours) in the Williamsburg section of Brooklyn.
"This is a new take on pro-life," said Edwards, whose life-size sculpture will appear at the gallery next to a display case filled with pro-life materials. "Pro-lifers normally promote bloody images of abortion. This is the image of birth." (Actually it seems more like an image of conception.)
The sculpture shows Brit naked and pregnant, crouching face-down on a bear rug as the baby's head appears at her opposite end.
There's really nothing left to say, is there? Though I kinda get a kick out of imagining a bunch of cocky hipsters staring intently at Britney Spears' blown-out cooch.
I told you this shit was getting ghetto.
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
The funny thing is, in the print version of the article, they had this inset describing what a meth high is like that looked something like:
Many Moms say crystal meth helps them clean the house and take care of the baby because of the boundless energy it gives them. They also say that it boosts their self-esteem by freeing them up sexually. It's also very easy to make - most moms make it right in their own kitchen. Like cookies. With LOVE.
This article was of course supposed to be dissuading people from using meth (since the bulk of it was about a woman who lost her daughter for posession), but I don't think the Doctor who wrote it had any idea that those sizzle words could potentially seduce a regular old mom just readin' her Baby Talk into becoming a total meth-head. I mean, I perked up just reading about the effects! Imagine what it feels like to do it? I was seriously like, "Yo, dude - I feel bad she lost her kid and stuff, but for real - where's the recipe?..."
Of course I would never do it, but for once in my life I was like, "Wow - now this is some drug use that I can actually get behind." I mean Kate Moss is an asshole for doing coke and Courtney Love is a psycho for shooting up but the fat chick from Idaho in my parenting magazine knows what the hell she's talkin' about!
Friday, March 24, 2006
Alternately: One of these guys is not a brother. One of these guys is not Lil John or Flava Flav.
See - I don't even have to know who Paul Wall is to get an XBox. I don't really want an XBox, tho. I'd rather have the ICE BOX on Paul Wall's teeth!
p.s. - Lil John is on MySpace. I have really got to stop.
Okay. Is this really necessary?
OMFG!!!! YOU'LL NEVER GUESS!! I JUST RECEIVED 550 ADDS BY DOING THIS!!! ITS AMAZING!!! ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS CLICK THE BUTTON AND FRIEND REQUESTS WILL FOLLOW!!! I CANNOT BELIEVE I HAVE NOT DONE THIS BEFORE!!!!! HURRY UP BEFORE THIS BULLETIN PASSES
Want to get TONS of friends, in minutes!??!!
CLICK HERE TO GET THOUSANDS OF FRIENDS! Just watch the add requests pile up…
What do you mean hurry up before this bulletin passes? I can't get any other bulletins because for the past 9 days all I've been getting is this one - over and over and over! And people - do you really want 550 strangers sending you bulletins like this actual bulletin that I just received:
A Naughty Game!!!
The Penis Game:lets see how many people we can get to participate...The name of the game says it all.... all you have to do is copy this bulletin into a new one. Take the name of a TV show and replace one of the words with PENIS. Don't forget to put your name on it - then we can all see how perverted our friends are. NO REPEATS!!!
Ooh. Naughty. And totally awesome to play at work. It makes me feel like a badass.
All I'm saying is, I just don't like this blatant misuse of the word friend. Can't we call each other MySpace buddies? Pals? Chums, even. But friends are people you can talk to about your problems. Friends are people you can eat an entire pizza with and not feel guilty or disgusting afterwards. Friends are people who will tell you things like, "Don't get in that cab Lianne - you're too wasted and I'm afraid you might not make it home." Not people who are amassing internet colleagues so they have a reason to cut and paste something made of glitter.
Now I don't mean whores in the whorey sense - I mean media whores. Ego maniacs. Comics. That sort of thing.
Don't get me wrong - I'm not tryin' to dawg the Space cuz I do think it's great and it's fun and I love it. But really, people. Let's cool it with the caps and the exclamation points, okay? I MEAN, SERIOUSLY!!! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU GUYS??? COME ON!!! ENTHUSIASM IS FOR DORKS, DUDE! I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DON'T KNOW THAT?????!!!!
Wait - is it cool to say dude? Is it cool to say cool? I don't know, dude. Oh man, this is not cool. I better get offline before I send out a bulletin about glittery cats.
Thursday, March 23, 2006
No cover, but please get drunk.
Featuring: Jeff Mac, Carolyn Castiglia, Pete Holmes and sketch from Derrick
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
Uptown ruler - Harlem is horrible. With all the new developments there, believe me it is still SCARY after midnite. The deli's are shady with the windowed cashiers. Did i mention about the Conway? If there's a conway, then your neighborhood is screwed. Yes you are simply FUCKED with a Conway. Of course there won't be a Prada, LV, Diesel, Scoop, Coach, Lacoste, Swiss Army, Gucci, Starbucks, Equinox, NYSC, Barnes and Nobles, Whole Foods, TJ's or even an OLD NAVY there. About the the commute there were TWO rats running on the platform of the 116 train station. Yes it is an isolated incident and what do i expect from new york, but that is simply gross!
Wait - what? First of all, there is a Starbucks and an Old Navy on 125. There are two NYSC's nearby (91st & 3rd, 125th & 8th) as well as a Bally Total Fitness. And, um, it's Barnes and Noble, not Barnes and Nobles. Dumbass. There are more rats on 59th and Lex than there are anywhere in the city and that's the closest stop to your precious Prada, Svetlana daaaaaahhhhh-ling. Ugh.
p.s. - Diesel sells urban clothes you muthafluffing moron. I hate people.
Oh yeah - and there's a MAC store on 125 as well. Just in case you need to put a little Studio Fix on that red face of yours.
Oh boy. Where to begin! I have lived in East Harlem for three years now on a very quiet and traditionally Italian street, actually. Most of the people on my block are homeowners and/or business owners who are happily raising their children and in some cases grandchildren. My building is 4 floors, I know all of my neighbors. Everyone I've ever had contact with who's a neighborhood resident is wonderful, warm and friendly - be they white, black, Hispanic, Asian or Middle Eastern. People know each other. I have never felt anything but safe and welcome. And I love my apartment.
However, not everything is peaches and cream, of course. From time to time people do look at me with suspect and I think that's largely due to the fact that in three years the young white population in East Harlem has risen by about 300%. I'm white, so I guess I'm part of that statistic, but I am certainly not a part of a higher income bracket than any of the "minorities" (who are of course the majority) in the neighborhood. People who (in my estimation) should be living on the Upper East Side or in Brooklyn are moving to the neighborhood (there's a Dad with a Bugaboo that I secretly loathe) and that is increasing rents for sure. My husband and I have a 5 month old and we'd love to move from our one bedroom to a two bedroom in the area, but I'm afraid we won't be able to afford it - which is a total shame since my husband made a best friend in the bakery owner across the street from our place. He literally goes there everyday with the baby, and the visit is the highlight of everyone's morning.
As for white people who feel threatened or think Harlem sucks - they truly have no idea what they're talking about, have probably never been there and sad to say are probably a little bit racist. Now, I'm not gonna say I've never gotten a shout-out from a neighborhood boy because I have - and I like it! Harlem is one of the few neighborhoods in the city where people are actually nice to each other for no particular reason. It's a breath of fresh air and I love it. So to those who are still scared off - I say stay away! I'm down with the brown so I live uptown! See you on the 6...
I didn't mean to - but I had to - because there's only one train on the East Side of Manhattan and people will get on it even if that means they are going to father your second baby.
I was pressed between two men - one wearing a nice wool coat and a silk tie, the other with profoundly bad stank breaf who kept sighing down my neck. Sighing the stankiest stankiness I've ever come that close to. Stankier than ho-to-ja*. Stankier than sew-ra-shi**. Stankier than an episode of American Idol***.
*Ho-to-ja: Homeless Toe Jam
**Sew-ra-shi: Sewer Rat Shit
***American Idol: Homeless Toe Jam + Sewer Rat Shit
As we jiggled our way down the rails into midtown, I kept thinking about how odd it was that there was no room for me to lift my head and see what these men looked like. I suppose it was better that way. Stank kept heaving these heavy sighs as if to say, "I am on this train, dammit, and I don't care if that means my penis is in your pocket!" I finally closed the lid of my coffee cup, fearing that Stank and his stankiness would sigh his slobber into my mug and then onto my lips, penetrating my very being ever so slighly with his stankiferous stankosity!
So I stopped breathing. I was trapped. I turned to look at Silk Tie, yearning for comfort but still not able to see his face. I just stared at his chest. Stank breaved down my neck once more. I almost threw up, but then the train doors opened. I got out at 59th Street. I was free.
If I did get pregnant this morning, I only pray that Silk Tie is the father. I swear to God, if I mother Stankspawn, it will be the end of me.
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
March 21, 2006 -- THE creators of "South Park" appear ready to fire back at Tom Cruise and the Church of Scientology following a dust up earlier this month that included soul singer Isaac Hayes quitting the series.
On Wednesday's ninth-season debut, Hayes' character, Chef, pops up in an episode which creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone are devoting to his mysterious return to "South Park." They are expected to poke fun at his religion, Scientology.
While details are scarce, Comedy Central officials say the duo are putting the finishing touches on the episode (Wednesday, 10 p.m.) - which, like many others, is being written and animated in less than a week.
Last fall, the show - which, in nearly a decade on the air, has managed to poke fun at almost every religion - ripped Scientology. In the episode, one of the space-based faith's biggest proponents - Tom Cruise - was skewered.
Hayes was allegedly insulted by the show and quit, according to reports.
Last week, the network had planned on re-airing the episode, but it was pulled at the last minute, after Cruise allegedly threatened not to promote his new movie, "Mission Impossible 3," which is produced by Paramount, a division of Viacom, which owns Comedy Central.
Reps for Cruise have denied the reports.
Here's what FOX has to say about it:
Isaac Hayes' Quitting Controversy
Isaac Hayes did not quit "South Park." My sources say that someone quit it for him.
I can tell you that Hayes is in no position to have quit anything. Contrary to news reports, the great writer, singer and musician suffered a stroke on Jan. 17. At the time it was said that he was hospitalized and suffering from exhaustion.
It’s also absolutely ridiculous to think that Hayes, who loved playing Chef on "South Park," would suddenly turn against the show because they were poking fun at Scientology.
Last November, when the “Trapped in a Closet” episode of the comedy aired, I saw Hayes and spent time with him in Memphis for the annual Blues Ball.
If he hated the show so much, I doubt he would have performed his trademark hit song from the show, “Chocolate Salty Balls.” He tossed the song into the middle of one of his less salacious hits and got the whole audience in the Memphis Pyramid to sing along.
I can tell you, Hayes was very pleased with himself, was in a great mood and, as always, loved his fans' coming up to him and asking him about Chef.
As recently as early January, before his stroke, Hayes defended the "South Park" creators in an interview with “The AV Club,” the serious side of the satirical newspaper, The Onion.
AV Club: They did just do an episode that made fun of your religion, Scientology. Did that bother you?
Hayes: Well, I talked to Matt [Stone] and Trey [Parker] about that. They didn't let me know until it was done. I said, 'Guys, you have it all wrong. We're not like that. I know that's your thing, but get your information correct, because somebody might believe that [expletive], you know?' But I understand what they're doing. I told them to take a couple of Scientology courses and understand what we do. [Laughs.]
The truth is, Hayes has a sly sense of humor and loves everything about "South Park." It’s provided him a much-needed income stream since losing the royalties to the many hits he’s written, such as “Shaft” and “Soul Man,” in the mid-1970s.
Even though he’s one of America’s most prolific hit writers, Hayes has been denied access to profits from his own material for almost 30 years.
But it’s hard to know anything since Hayes, like Katie Holmes, is constantly monitored by a Scientologist representative most of the time. Luckily, at the Blues Ball he was on his own, partying just with family and friends. He was very excited about having gotten married and about the impending birth of a new child.
Friends in Memphis tell me that Hayes did not issue any statements on his own about South Park. They are mystified.
“Isaac’s been concentrating on his recuperation for the last two and a half, three months,” a close friend told me.
Hayes did not suffer paralysis, but the mild stroke may have affected his speech and his memory. He’s been having home therapy since it happened.
That certainly begs the question of who issued the statement that Hayes was quitting "South Park" now because it mocked Scientology four months ago. If it wasn’t Hayes, then who would have done such a thing?
Meantime, Tom Cruise may have gotten Comedy Central to pull its repeat of "South Park"'s Scientology spoof last week, but the result is that episode is all over the Web. You can see it for free at youtube.com.
Monday, March 20, 2006
Well, the book is edited, the interviews done, snarky comments planted, and about 20,000-50,000 jokes have been read, watched, heard, and sifted through like an 1840’s Oregon prospector mining for California gold. So, if you are in receipt of this E-Mail, it means that at least one of your jokes (and possibly more) has been selected for inclusion into The Complete Idiots Guide to Jokes, which will be released in September of this year through Alpha Books, a division of Penguin Publishing.
The book will contain over 1,500 jokes from the funniest comics in the biz (yup, that includes you!), plus comedy trivia, and advice for laypeople on how to tell a joke from a distinguished panel of experts including Dave Barry, Tony Hendra, Wendy Liebman, Penn Jillette, Jonathan Ames, Mark Katz, Patton Oswalt, Leo Allen, Eugene Mirman, Mitch Fatel, Kerri Louise, Christian Finnegan, Brian Kiley, DC Benny, Lisa Lampanelli, David Lee Roth, Steve Hofstetter, Jim Florentine, Ted Alexandro, Jesse Joyce, Tim Cavanagh, John Marshall, the folks at Shecky Magazine, and more.
I can't wait to read the book! Hopefully I can learn something from myself...
There? Is that better?
WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE? GO!
Thursday, March 16, 2006
Have you ever been to Roanoke? Or Virginia? If not, what do you expect?
I've never been to Roanoke but I have been to Virginia - many times. I love it there. I did two shows on the Eastern Shore with a bunch of comics from New York and the audience loved us. I think it helps that the people there didn't have TV... or running water. But still, the shows were great. Only one guy fell asleep. But he looked pretty tired. At least from what I could see of him under that white sheet. I don't know why he didn't bring a pillow...
No, no - in all seriousness - Virgina is a beautiful state filled with beautiful people and amazing fried chicken. It's just like Harlem.
Can't wait for the finger lickin' goodness! Love you VA!
Okay - to be continued.....
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
As far as In Jesus' name's General Interests go - I'd have to agree, doing what you want men to do to you to them first can be helpful - in bed. (HEY-OH! Fortune cookie joke! Confucious say, "Fortune cookie jokes suck. In bed!" Aaah! It never ends...)
The reason this profile caught my eye - aside from In Jesus' name's gorgeous picture (you should see his ab shots! Talk about a tight little body!) - I just love what he put in the Television category. I mean, he could have said "Touched by an Angel" and "Joan of Arcadia." Obviously the short lived "Book of Daniel" is too controversial to make it to his short list, but how about a nice "Highway to Heaven?" Nope. He obviously doesn't watch TV. He doesn't drink, he doesn't smoke - to paraphrase Adam Ant, what does he do?
He saves children, people. That's what he does.
So why the hell is he on MySpace?
I thought I'd investigate a little further, so I decided I'd search for Jesus. I figured he would know what was going on in his name. Turns out he's on MySpace, too - of course - everyone is - and apparently he lives in Israel. And San Jose. But you know, if Santa can get around the world in one night, Jesus can be bi-continental. What I was happiest to see though is that Jesus considers himself a Sagittarius even though Sagittarius ends Dec. 21 and I think he was actually born in October, but whatever. I'm a Jew at heart, he's a Sag at heart. I'm a Sag for real, he's a Jew for real. It's all good.
So anyway - I sent him a message to see if he knows what's going on in his name.
I'LL LET YOU KNOW WHAT HE SAYS! I haven't asked him to be my friend yet - I wanted to send him a message first. You know. Hopefully he'll put in the request. I don't want to seem too "networky." I want to get into heaven on my own merit, not because I kissed God's ass.
Tuesday, March 14, 2006
Don't worry, people, Laura's workin' hard to raise the old numbers, too, but with the chicks. LAURA SAYS GIRL 4 PRES.
Oh, Blogger - I am fortune's fool! No one will get to see my Microsoft Paint skills because you will not upload my brillaint work of Laura Bush!
Monday, March 13, 2006
This. And now I just feel scared. Does she have herpes? What is with that lip? Is this a robot version of Lisa Rinna? What is happening?! Is this a wax model of Penelope Cruz after she's cried for 10 hours??? Whatever it is - this is not how I feel right now!
This is more how I feel right now. Like a smiling doggie cross stitch.
In the sunshine on top of a mountain eating pizza. Basically, I'm Scooby Doo.
No - I'm a dog DRESSED UP as Scooby Doo! That's it! I'm a dog dressed up as another dog that's not even a real dog. That, my friends, is pure bliss...
Friday, March 10, 2006
Moving out of New York is so popular with New Yorkers it made the list twice! You gotta love New York, dude. It's a tiny little island filled with millions and millions of people who would really rather be someplace else. No wonder everyone's so chipper! Here's a thought - if you want to leave New York City - leave! What's keeping you here? A deep-seated need to pay exorbitant amounts of rent? A gleeful obsession with the lingering fragrance of Eau de Sans Maison on the tube? A fondness for rats? Methinks not.
But more importantly, really, take a look at number 17. Proof that New Jerk City is not only a conglomeration of wannabe starlets desperate to avoid defeat at all costs (moiself included there, kids) - it's also chock-full o' more dirty hippies than I thought. (sigh...)
Lastly, I'd like to say number 19 is a direct shout-out to Sara Schaefer. And number 20 is a big F.U. to the B.F.A's. (But maybe I'm projecting. Maybe if I could accomplish number 8 I wouldn't sound so cranky right now.)
p.s. - For those of you trying to accomplish number 2 - it's called IKEA. Take a trip to Elizabeth on the free bus - you'll come back with some form of furniture. It might not be a bed and it might not be a desk, but chances are whatever it is your computer will be able to sleep on it.
Please buy this.
It's too bad the songs on this album never got enough exposure. Some of 'em are really catchy!
But none as catchy as Michelle Collins singing Uninvited live. That's for reals.
What's unfortunate about this slide is that the girl who made it doesn't understand grammar, but still, your number one in my book.
I'd like to credit Launch for the Alanis-piration. You gotta check that shit out, yo! IT'S FREE!!!
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
FREDERICK, Maryland (AP) -- Hood College (editor's note: a women's college until 2003) is reviewing its homecoming rules after a lesbian was crowned king, a college official said.
Hood College? Complaining about a lesbian king? Come on! Move on, Dyke U...
Jennifer Jones, the 21-year-old senior who beat out three men for the honor, said the crowning was a positive step for the private liberal arts college.
"It is cool that Hood allows people to be themselves," Jones told The Frederick News-Post. "If people didn't want me to be king, they wouldn't have nominated me and voted for me."
Jones, of Newark, Delaware, received 64 of 169 votes cast for king last month.
More than two weeks after Jones was crowned, criticism and praise were still rippling through the 2,100-student campus in western Maryland.
"She is not a man," said Singleton Newman, a 22-year-old senior who was nominated for queen. "It is a gender issue, and she is a woman."
Singleton Newman? You're a woman and your name is Singleton Newman and you're complaining about the homecoming king? I think you've got bigger problems to worry about there, Singy...
Santo Provenzano, 21, who competed for king, said Jones' selection made the event seem like a joke. "It discourages guys from wanting to take part in the future," he said.
Ooh! Do you think that will happen if Hillary gets elected president? CLINTON/GORE ONCE MORE! Hillary and Tipper forevs!
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
On Feb. 23, the Galapagos Art Space in Williamsburg, Brooklyn held an event titled The Poetry vs. Comedy Variety Show, where local poets and comedians battled for the top prize - a fluffy trucker hat that read “I LOVE ASHTON”. It was another celebratory night of the hottest talents on the downtown comedy scene.
The show was hosted by Carolyn Castiglia, a NYC-based comic/actress, a loud, dirty, obnoxiously funny girl who rapped freestyle to a Casio beat. She had a great camaraderie with the audience, and set the wacky tone for the night.
Thanks, Baruch! Come back for our next show on Thursday, April 6! More comics, more poets, more rap, more trucker hats! You can't beat that for free anywhere.
Thursday, March 02, 2006
Also, as most of you know, I recently started working again after my stint on unemployment (a.k.a. "maternity leave" for temps). But have I mentioned that I've also been freelancing over at Ass Co.? Check out the thongbelivable scoop I got about what's going down down there in Japan!
Just a taste of what's to come, suckers! (And by that I do mean lollipops.)
La la la la la - la la la la la - la la la la la la la la la la la - doo doo doo doo - (high pitched squeal) ah ah ah ah ah ah ah!
Somewhere a puppy just frowned.
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
Desiree Burch, Carolyn Castiglia, Matt McCarthy, Jenny Rubin, Lianne Stokes, Baron Vaughn, Becky Yamamoto and Tom McCaffrey from Premium Blend and Shorties Watchin' Shorties. Hosted by Ophira Eisenberg.
FIVE BUCKS! What?!