p.s. - Why is this ad on MySpace?

Doesn't this just say it all?

From MSN.com:

The Senate voted 58-42 to confirm Alito — a former federal appellate judge, U.S. attorney, and conservative lawyer for the Reagan administration from New Jersey — as the replacement for retiring Justice Sandra Day O’Connor, who has been a moderate swing vote on the court.

All but one of the Senate’s majority Republicans voted for his confirmation, while all but four of the Democrats voted against Alito.


Good job, Dems. At least you tried. Jon Stewart should be proud.

Not Completely Satisfied

Given that my unemployment insurance ran out last week, I've been looking for some ways to make money, and I thought, "What if I gathered up all of the half-used bottles of lotion I've had for the past five years and sent them in for a full refund?" That would be like $20. And after the postage, that would be like 53 cents - which is half of half of a bagel. And that's breakfast.

Just cuz... nobody wants to think about Iraq.

Click it, you terrorist.

p.s. - I have never not picked a winner. That's cuz I know pussy.

What are you doin' Monday after school?

Monday, January 30th @ 7:30
This week's theme: Jaywalking is Anti-Jesus
Pete's Candy Store
709 Lorimer ~ Williamsburg

Free

The After-School Comedy Special mixes performances by top young comedians with nostalgic diversions including free candy and MadLibs!

Featuring: Baron Vaughn, Carolyn Castiglia, Liz Miele, Andrew Wright and Shawn Hollenbach.

Guess who's gonna be wearing this puppy on her uniform starting February 6?!

Horrorscope

My boy Shawn has a fabulous new blog in which he scans the constellations for secret truths and delivers them right to you. Here's what he has to say about my husband:

Leo (7/23 - 8/23) - You look orange. Your spray tan is way too George Hamilton and it’s the middle of January. Tangerines are looking at you with a jealous rage and are planning a secret attack. Let’s exfoliate and make you look human again. Don’t even think of getting lip injections, you will look nothing like Angelina Jolie - a Pitt Bull is the only Pitt you’ll score. Brangelina - try Orangina. “I Want a Famous Face” is off the air just like your mind.

Oh my God that is so mean! I think Mark's tan looks great. Check it out:

He may not look happy, but he sure does look healthy! (Am I right?!) And ladies, how about the Speedo, huh? MEOW!

Vote or Die

Check out this video ad for the Village Voice and let me know in the comments what you think! Any feedback welcome, positive, negative, impartial. The company who made it (Universal Buzz) is looking for the unbridled opinions of NYC bloggers.

Click here to watch it in Windows Media Player

I'm the fat dancing Bush at the end.

KIDDING! I'm the girl on the toilet.

Roller Grrl

There’s a war going on here, people. And I’m not talkin’ about the one in Iraq. I’m talkin’ about the one right here in New York City. I'm talking about the one for the mean streets:

I'm talking about those of us with children vs. those of us that are bitter, single and alone.

I'm sorry - did I say bitter, single and alone? I meant to say "without."

It's just that I've heard those without children (many of whom are my friends and acquaintances) bitch up and down about strollers for ages now - even before I had a kid - and I'm a little bit over it.

It makes me sad that people who have never had to maneuver a stroller in this town make general statements about people with kids that they would never say to someone they cared about. People without kids seem to think that people with kids think they're better than everybody else so the people without kids are mean and in turn act like they think they're better than people with kids. Whew!

Well, I'm here to put a stop to this vicious cycle. I'm here to say this whole battle is about who is more deserving of the precious little space we have in this hell hole. And guess what people, the answer is - no one!

No one is MORE deserving than the other of the sidewalk. Or the subway. If you don't like it, take a cab!

Now, I know this may come as a shock to many of you - on both sides - but it's true. Looks like we're all just gonna have to get along...

So! People with strollers, try not to run into other people! If you need to move your stroller, politely say, "Excuse me, I'm just trying to move my stroller out of the way to make room for more people. I know it's inconvenient but I'm not a slave and I'm already chained to my breast pump so just be nice for a second and let me have my moment out of the house please master!" (People without kids seem to like being called master - I don't know why, but it works. I think it's the same strategy used by minority guys who call white guys "boss." Makes 'em feel a little proud, a little guilty, and a little dirty all at the same time. And who doesn't want to feel like that? That's why we all live in New York! See how much we have in common here, folks?...)

People without strollers, try to move out of the way a bit, understanding that there's nothing the person with the stroller can do but try their best to stay out of the way... I know you think strollers are bigger now than they were when "we" were kids, but I think that's because most of us didn't grow up someplace alongside 8 million other people just trying to go about their daily lives. And yes, carriages are bulkier than umbrella strollers, but infants can't sit in umbrella strollers. And mothers with infants aren't slaves and are already chained to their breast pumps so just be nice for a second and let them have their moment out of the house! (Please, master?) Thanks, boss.

Now, those of you out there who are still pushing your 4, 5 and 6 year olds around (you know who you are!) need to quit that shit and make some space for those of us with truly little babies. If there aren't as many of us out there with strollers, the people without the strollers won't hate us as much. Coppish? Besides, your kid is getting fat in that thing, eating all those damn Doritos. Knock that shit off, get them a celery stick and make the little bastards walk!

I want to say for the record that I have not personally been yelled at about my stroller because I am very careful with it and tend not to use it when there are a lot of other people around. I only bring it on the subway during non-peak hours and I live in a very quiet neighborhood where the majority of the people have kids. And though my stroller is not what I would call small, it's certainly not a Bugaboo. Maybe those people out there that can afford a $1000 stroller really are the assholes that the angry non-parents make them out to be, but as for me, I'm just a regular young lady tryin' to go to the Duane Reade with my kid and my coupons so I can get some girly Secret deodorant for the first time in three months since my husband's Speed Stick isn't quite cuttin' it in the pretty pit department no more. But as you can imagine, this rant came from somewhere, so here's the backstory:

I was on the subway the other day and this 45-year old leftover Sex and the City extra wearing Prada boots and Botox rolled her eyes at this poor old Russian lady who was delicately trying to get her umbrella stroller (that's the small kind, now) out of the way and yelled, “Could you move that stroller without scraping up my heels?!” Meanwhile she didn't try to move at all to let the stroller by her. I was a little surprised at the outburst, so I looked up from where I was sitting (sans bebe) and she looked at me with big eyes and said, “Well, that went well!” as if to gain my sympathy. (I'm sure she assumed I was childless due to my age and the fact that I was alone on the train.)

I meant to just put my head back down - I really did, but the black woman who lives in my ass reared her indignant head and said:

“Do you have kids?”

Sextra: “What?”
Carolyn: “Do you have kids?”
Sextra: “No.”

Carolyn: “I can tell.”

*GASP!*

Sextra: “Well, I’m usually pretty tolerant about these things, but…”
Carolyn (lowering head in sympathetic tone): “It’s okay.”

She didn't have to explain to me. If she felt bad, she should have apologized to the lady crying in the babushka.

So after all that, here's what I wanna know: Do people without kids really think we parents have nothing else we’d rather be doing than pushing a baby around?

"Gee, Carolyn, you wanna go get a manicure/go out to eat/drink in a bar/enjoy your freedom?”

"No – and it’s not that I can’t now because I’m responsible for another person's health and safety (all thanks to that one night without a condom!) – I’d just rather get yelled at and judged by people who don’t know me. I can get a manicure anytime – but I’ve only got a few good stroller pushin’ years left!"

Please.

I hope I never do have a run-in with my stroller, because I don't want to get that look that says, "Who the hell do you think you are for havin' a kid? New York is for single people who like to get drunk. You wanna have a kid? Move to Jersey like everybody else and take the PATH train, sucker! Maybe they'll let strollers on."

Maybe.

p.s. - I like to get drunk, too. =(

It's coming...

SEASON TWO

Featuring: moi

MONDAY, JANUARY 23RD

"It's some skits, bitches!" ~ D. Chappelle

Click here to read RKB's interview with Bob and Brian, the boys behind it all, in today's Gothamist.

Tonight!

Triad Theatre

158 W. 72nd St. (between Bway/Columbus)

7 PM

$10

Unbelievable

For the fourth time in 16 months, Jenny Rubin posts on her blog.

Just a sweet transmission from transexual Transylvania

So, my car keeps sputtering, right? And this guy says to me, "I think you need to have your tranny fixed." But I'm thinkin', aren't all trannys fixed? I mean, we're not just talking about snipping the tip here, we're talking about removing the whole thing.

Basically, my car has to go from this:

To this:

I don't know how I'm gonna pay for that.

Maximillion

Get free cans of tuna at the debut of MAX

Mo Pitkin's - 34 Ave. A between 2nd and 3rd St.

Wednesday, January 18th--7:30 pm

Featuring the brilliant insanity of:

Baron Vaughn

Billy Wood

Shawn Hollenbach

Michael Muldoon

Katina Corrao

Allen Warnock

Carolyn Castiglia

Hosted by Jenny Rubin and Matt McCarthy

Gawker has a dream...

My boy TAN has a nice post on his blog about his piece on Gawker about black people not working in magazines. I find it a little more than obnoxious that Gawker chose MLK Day to "expose" this problem. (But I guess they were just responding to an article about it in the Observer.) Is this phenomenon something media types have really never noticed before? Have you ever read Time Out? My favorite recent TONY snafu regarding POC* involves their description of my neighborhood in the "Eating Out" section: "nothing but Baptist churches for miles..." Amazing. There are a few churches by the restaurant they mentioned, but not a one of them is Baptist. (But if it's black its gotta be Baptist!) My dear friend Nichelle (a black girl - a Catholic) has an entire category on her blog called "Gawker hates black people." But not on MLK Day. That would just be rude. As Negin Farsad said last night at Galapagos, it is their one special day after all...

*POC: People of Coolness, or Color, depending on your mood.

Here's an excerpt - bits of the Observer article explaining why black folks don't make the grade are in quotes and TAN's responses are in bold.

“Several industry professionals traced this silence to the fact that magazines are, in the end, just magazines: waxy-paged collections of ads and articles that may provide everything from political analysis to eyebrow-waxing advice, but are hardly essential guardians of the public interest,” Ratner writes. This, then, is the We Also Promote Eating Disorders And A Low Self-Esteem So Why Get Huffy Over Racial Discrimination defense.

“But, on the other hand, there is a diversity of magazines,” Newsweek editor Mark Whitaker tells Ratner. “So it’s just a different kind of diversity exists already.” This one is the Y’all Motherfuckers Got Vibe and Essence So Shut The Hell Up defense.

“There is definitely no sense of shame about not having a diverse staff the way there was 10 years ago,” an anonymous Asian-American glossy-mag editor said. Now we’re seeing the Y’all Not Wearing Chains No More, So We’re Not Going to Feel Shame No More defense.

And finally, “I think, in people’s minds, it’s not like, ‘Let’s not hire any black people,’” said Hung author Scott Poulson-Bryant, a founding editor of Vibe. “It’s just like, ‘I don’t really know any black people to hire, and I don’t really want to do the work to find out who they are.’” Which is the beloved Where the Hell Are All the Black People When You Need One? defense.

TAN concludes: So with these four defenses stacked up together, what’s left for a young, aspiring minority writer to do? It seems clear now there’s only one option: Go scale the walls of the Conde Nast building, naked, with a piece on “How Mothers Can Lose Those Pregnancy Pounds” taped to your ass. Then jump. You may lose your life, but quite possibly you’ll gain a byline in the process.
__________________________________
I don't know what Conde Nast thinks about the proposal, but TAN jumping off a building is a pretty dramatic inspiration for me to start shedding the preggers weight. However, it's still not enough. I think it's valiant, but I'd rather be pleasantly plump. So TAN, this rap is for you:

You don't have to die to save my thigh!
Don't jump off that building, 40 stories high,
just write an article wich yo name in the by-
line about how to get skinny,
I'll read it and I'll feel fine.
But I won't work out, won't bother to take the time
I like my ass fat, that's how you know it is mine!
So screw the white girls who write the magazines -
I won't get skinny, I'll just eat rice and beans.

It's all fun and games until somebody gets an eye poked out.

Believe it or not, this picture is from the Dutch version of Sesame Street. Now I'm not so sure we should teach Adriana about her Dutch heritage. I thought New York was tough... Look at what life in Amsterdam did to Elmo! Grover still seems kinda sweet, like your drunk uncle. I always knew Bert had it in him, but Ernie? I guess all that repressed homosexuality made him finally snap and cut Rubber Duckie. Cookie Monster looks pretty much the same. Actually, he looks like he's telling Lianne's Weight Watchers joke. "I picked up that cookie and I said PUT THE GUN DOWN."

If you show me yours I'll show you mine.

You may not know this, but Kevin Federline and I have more in common than the fact that we party all night while our wives stay home and watch the baby. I, like K-Fed, got my start in the biz as a backup dancer, to one Mr. Shawn Hollenbach. Come see me sing for him tonight!

SMUT
hosted by the gorgeous Desiree Burch, pictured here in her nightgown
Galapagos Art Space
70 N. 6th Street (between Kent and Wythe)
Billyburg, Breukelen
8 PM
FREE!

What a week!

Well, folks (and by that I mean Mom and Dad) - I had a fantastic week this week. I'd call and tell you about it, but I'd rather post it on the blog. That way I can be excited without you going, "Who's that? What's that? I've never heard of it. Well are you getting paid? (pause) Oh."

Let's see, Tuesday was a whirlwind of a day. My show got taped by two film students making a documentary on women in comedy. The place was packed and the show was fantastic. Audience members included Jane Borden and Kambri Crews. Wednesday I did a show with some old friends, Thursday I took Adriana to the doctor and last night I went to see Becky Donohue do an hour of material at Laugh Lounge. Rachel Feinstein openend and they were both hilarious. I ran into several friends including Katie Halper, John Morrison, Michelle Buteau and Margaret Dodge. Today I filmed a sketch for Season 2 of The Post Show with my new buddy Mindy Raf, who's doing our all-music comedy show Riffs and Gigs and Mo's on February 4th at 10 pm. Awesome shit, biatch!

Hope next week is even better! If I get those Kris Kristofferson tickets, it just might be the Best Week Ever. (Shout out to Bob, Brian, Jason and Ryan! Skins and Pelts forevs!)

Oh god - is this cuz I had a baby?

Hello Carolyn. Welcome to your weekly ticketAlert!

Check out these event(s) that matched your interests.

Kris Kristofferson
Concert Hall @ the New York Society for Ethical Culture
New York, NY
Sat, 03/25/06
On Sale Mon, 01/16/06

Awesome.

Roe, Roe, Roe Your Boat

I don't know about the other ladies out there, but I woke up Alito bit scared this morning about Judge Sam getting confirmed. Now, I have a baby, and I love my baby. But if SJA gets to the bench, there's gonna be a lot more babies to love, I'm afraid. Except the problem is, if a baby isn't wanted, it probably isn't gonna be loved. I mean, zits aren't wanted - who loves zits? Bills aren't wanted - is anybody out there hugging their credit card statement? Taking days off to spend quality time with their fruitcakes? Teaching their ugly tie collection how to read? So the ladies (and gents) are gonna have to start speaking up or they're gonna be stuck in the closet with all the outlawed homosexuals asking Rupaul to pass them a hanger.

From LA Times.com:

Alito's views on abortion -- and his respect in general for following court precedents -- have emerged as a major point during the hearings because some Democrats, along with abortion rights organizations, fear that he might vote to overturn Roe v. Wade, the landmark 1973 Supreme Court ruling that established a woman's right to abortions.

On Tuesday, Alito stopped short of disavowing his past view that the Constitution did not protect that right. But he also expressed his respect for stare decisis, the legal doctrine which holds that courts should follow precedent decisions.

But Sen. Sam Brownback (R-Kansas) sought to make the point that such a principle notwithstanding, courts do reverse long lines of precedents. He cited the 1954 Supreme Court ruling in Brown v. Board of Education that overturned Plessy v. Ferguson, which for six decades had allowed separate but equal school systems for blacks and white.

Alito conceded under stare decisis the court in 1954 would have followed the Plessy ruling, saying: "Certainly it would be a factor that you would consider in determining whether to overrule it." But Alito said the court in 1954 had made the proper ruling.

"The court certainly got it wrong in Plessy, and it is spectacularly wrong in Plessy, and it took a long time for that erroneous decision to be overturned," he said.

Brownback then noted in "over 200 other cases, the court has revisited and revised earlier judgments. In other words, in some portion or in all the cases, the court got it wrong in some 200 cases. And thank goodness the court's willing to review various cases."

Well, duh. Of course they got it wrong in Plessy. You're going to say that they got segregation wrong but that women can't control their own bodies? Aren't we in Iraq promoting democracy and equal rights? Oh, I'm sorry, I can't hear you over all the hypocrisy in here.

I've recently heard the argument that with RU-486, abortions are a thing of the past, and that may be so. But with the government's ability to read my email, tap my phone and open my mail, I'd like to think at least my privates could remain so. Unfortunately, much of the public seems not to care.

Thank You, Giulia!

Thank you so, so much - FOR THIS.

Chick this shit out!

Nichelle created an awesome video montage of the still photos from last week's Chicks. So cool - see it here. Come to the show tomorrow night, people! Serious good times.

Michelle Buteau (Premium Blend)
Lisa Kaplan (Ladies of Laughter Finalist)
Poppi Kramer (E!)
Amanda Melson (Friday Night with Greg Giraldo)
Susan Prekel (Montreal Just for Laughs Festival)
Rena Zager (Premium Blend)

This is what you get when you Google "funky ladies" in an image search:

Our show will be better than wearing all these outfits together - and that doesn't even seem humanly possible...

Erin, Don't Go Bragh-in' About Last Night!

Just wanna give a shout out to all the peeps who came out to the Irish Arts Center for Sundays at Seven last night! It was such a fun show. I shared the stage with the lovely and talented team of Ann Design and Fiona Walsh, my guinea buddy Joe DeVito and the too-bad-he's-so-shy-and-retiring Brad Zimmerman. (Am I totally starting a rumor that Brad Zimmerman is retiring?...) That bitch is 52 and he's in way better shape than I am. When he and I were chatting up some lovely ladies after the show, they asked if he had the body I wanted, and I said, "Hell no! I've got the body he wants!" Ba-ZING! Here it is in all its onstage glory:

Feeling the pain of my Orthodox Jew Wig...

In the locker room with Ann and Fiona. Thanks for a great show, grrls!

p.s. - I just thought it was important to know that this is what Heather Graham is dreaming about.

10 Things I Hate About You

Never forget, Heath...

10) I hate it when people try to tell me how to raise my baby. The other day I was pushing my stroller around the neighborhood and this girl walked by and said, “Where your plastic at? Girl, you betta get some plastic on that stroller cuz it is too cold for that baby!” And I was like, “She’s fine - she’s a snowbunny – she loves the cold!” Now, I'm not sure she heard me over the baby's coughs… But I showed her!


9) I hate it when people judge me. On Christmas Eve I went out to dinner with my family in my hometown and I forgot to bring the baby a bottle. I was like, “It's fine – she can share mine...” but my father literally looked at me and said, “What the hell kind of mother are you?” and he made me go home and make her a bottle. So I got in the car, and the funniest thing happened... my car just started driving back to Manhattan! And I was like, “Woah, baby. Calm down. I know you wanna leave but we have to stay so I can keep disappointing Mom and Dad. Because my parents aren’t happy unless they’re upset. And it’s Christmas – so let’s just let them be happy. It’s the only thing they want this year. Disappointment. And world peace.”

8) I hate skinny actresses who feel the need to profess to the world that they love food. Here's an example from an episode of Letterman this week when Heather Graham was on:

DL: Ladies and Gentlemen, Heather Graham!

HG: (enters, sits.) Hi Dave. It's so nice to be here. (awkward pause) Oh my God – I love food!

DL: Oh, really? That's... good. I don't understand when people don't like to eat.

HG: Oh yeah - I love to eat. Like, one time I was on a movie set and there was a – what do you call it – like, a food table – and this other actress and I started making songs up about the food, like ‘cheese – I love you cheese – you’re little squares – cheddar and swiss.”

DL: Oh, really? Well, what kind of foods do you like?

HG: (bugs eyes out, confusion sets in, face begins to twitch.) Oh – uh, lots of things. Yeah – lots of different things. (pauses to try to remember the name of a food she's eaten within the last twelve years.) Like, I was really into frozen yogurt for a while...

What? Frozen yogurt is not food! Frozen yogurt is a poor attempt at dessert made by people who hate themselves and eaten by people who like the idea of Olestra. I’m talking about people who don’t mind having shit leak out their ass at work, okay? No one cares that you like french fries Cameron Diaz! Everyone likes french fries! But do you dip them in mayo? I think not. Call me back when you eat an entire jar of bleu cheese with a large pepperoni pizza.

7) I hate Top Ten lists. There’s only about three of the ten things that are ever actually funny, anyway. But you can’t just have a top three list, because then it makes it seem like you can’t think of seven other jokes that suck. And the top three are really at the bottom of the top ten anyway, so you’d have to call it a bottom three list. But this is actually a top three list so far, since I really only had three things in mind when I started writing it and they’re numbers 8, 9 and 10. I guess I should have just called this “3 things I hate more than the other 7 things that suck so bad I didn’t even bother writing them down... about you.” But, I didn’t. So…

6) I hate that I hate Top Ten lists. You can make good money writing them and they're a great tool for comedy. ESPECIALLY if you like number jokes.

5) I hate it when people don’t get sarcasm. I did a show the other day and told this joke that went over, well, like a holocaust joke in a concentration camp:

Jews tend to think WWII was all about Hitler’s supposed "annihilation" of their people. Bullshit. Everybody knows wars are fought for natural resources. Nobody would dispute that we’re in Iraq for the oil. Which means The Diary of Anne Frank is a nice story, but I think it’s pretty obvious that Hitler was in Holland for the wind. The Spanish invaded the Aztec’s – why? For the sun! Ever heard of a little thing called solar power, bitch? Windmills, what?! The French invaded Mexico in the 1860’s – that’s how we got Cinco de Mayo – but you don’t care – as long as you can get your margarita and your burrito – but what about the natural gas those things bring us? Huh? Think about that.

The only guy who got it was the Jewish guy in the front row. He loved it. I don't mean "Jewish guy" in the Apprentice sense - I know he was Jewish because he was my friend's Dad. (I wasn't just scoring FOF (Father of Friend) points, though. We'd never met.) Now, considering your average American probably doesn't know Ann Frank was Dutch and that Amsterdam is not a country, I guess I can forgive. But this was at a show full of liberals - and man, were they uptight!

4) I hate that the movie about gay cowboys is called “Brokeback Mountain.” I mean – the cowboy thing pushes the gay thing way over the top as it is. Riding stallions – getting saddle sores – why not just call it “Dick in the Ass Hill” for Christ's sake? While you’re at it, Ang Lee, why not make a lesbian cooking show called “Sweet Pussy Pie?” Or a straight home design show called “Nail in Her Hole.” Jesus!

But what I hate even more than the title is the fact that it's pretty obvious this movie was strategically released right around the same time as both "Jarhead" and "Casanova," to make it a-bun-dantly clear that neither Jake nor Heath is actually gay. "Casanova" may be fluff, but it proves its star is not a fluffer. If Rupert Everett and Nathan Lane were in this movie would anyone go see it? Including gay boys? No - because those men are a) actually gay and b) not young and hot. Of course, at least then maybe it'd have a different title. "I Shreked My Best Friend The Producer in The Birdcage," anyone?...

3) I hate the 80’s. I have decided I don’t give a shit about the virtues of jelly bracelets. Who cares about jelly bracelets? We all had them! So? When the world explodes and the aliens look through our shit they’re gonna go, “According to their records – human development peaked from the years 1980-1989. Mental acuity skyrocketed with the invention of the Rubik’s Cube and digital agility soared with the creation of the "video game." Humans used their cerebral cortex’s to make a runaway gorilla hurl barrels at a small Italian carpenter. This game, called “Donkey Kong,” is clearly an analogy about the Darwinian struggle to survive. Other games that promulgated survival of the fittest theory include Frogger, in which a cartoon frog must try and cross the road without being run over by a car and ironically enough, Space Invaders. Based on their television programmes, we know they worshipped all things made of plastic: something called the moon boot, the jelly shoe and Jessica Simpson.”

2) Speaking of Jessica Simpson, I hate it when female celebrities feel like they have to sell out and pimp a skincare line. Susan Lucci, Victoria Principal, Vanessa Williams – you don’t need tell everybody about your zits, Vanessa – no one would be able to see them with all that glare comin’ off your teeth! Now, I bring this up because I found a bottle of lotion on my mom’s bathroom shelf that said, “Meredith Baxter Signature Collection.” First of all – what happened to the Birney? Or did she cut those Family Ties? (HEY-OH!) Second of all – you don’t see men doin' that shit. There’s no Burt Reynolds Mustache Care Kit. There’s no Telly Savalas Haircare system! A) because he had no hair and b) because he’s dead – but even if he was alive he’d be suckin’ on his lollipop bald as a brazilian lady – with no haircare system in sight, goin', "You broads are retarded." Whatever happens, I don’t wanna be Joan Rivers selling bee pins on QVC – I wanna do something useful like invent a grill that takes the fat out of meat. Cuz that is the kind of shit that men invent. Shit that really can make you more beautiful. Thank you, George.

1) I hate that I’m always comparing myself to other people. I’ve finally decided to just be okay with the fact that I'm still great even if I’ve never heard a song by The Doves and don't own a pair of fingerless gloves. (But she sure can rhyme!) See, I’m just not a hipster – I’m a hip-hopster. And I love it. So, in celebration of that, I thought I’d end this super-long post with a little song I wrote about self-acceptance, inspired by the Queen of Self Love, Mz. Jennifer Lopez. It's called “Carolyn from Oswego.” And it goes a little something’ like this:

Don't be fooled by my K-Mart clothes,

I'm still Carolyn from Oswego.

That's a small town that nobody knows,

but my place is cool as J. Lo's.

I'm keepin' it real, like a girl from Upstate,

when dinner is served, you bet your ass I clean my plate!

I may not be skinny, but winters there are cold,

you need someone with rump that you can kiss and hold.

My booty's for real man, I got it from my mom,

it looked so good in that dress that I wore to the prom.

All the boys said so, they showered me with ice -

cubes down my dress, I did not think that was nice!

But that's okay, G, at least they're keepin' it real,

they don't try to buy me rocks, they just try to cop a feel.

You talk about real life, but I say come on?!

You're shoppin' at the boutiques while I'm shoppin' at the lawn

sales of my nieghbors, where shit costs a dime.

Can you feel the flavor? Can you even rhyme?

So listen, J. Lo, Upstate is where it's at!

The girls may not be thin, but they're really really phat!

P-H-A-T, this is how my song goes,

cuz I'm just a girl from Upstate New York - Oswego!

Gem is Truly Outrageous!

Heidi got a new ring that even Aunt Gemima would be jealous of, so Claudia, Nichelle and I wrote these puns about it:

Too bad it's so small, right?

Nichelle says:
get your rocks off
those carats have a nice bling to it

Claudia says:
Ice to meet you
Ice ice baby
We won't get jeweled again
Rock star
jewels rush in
Shimmer time and the blinging is easy
The Shining
Lookout, iceberg!

Carolyn says:
That hits you square in the eye!
Carat to see my new ring?
Would you like me topaz the salt?
Have you seen that cooking show where emerald cut the carats and put them in the stew?
Is that my phone blinging?...

BAM!

HOLY SHIT! David Letterman is kicking the fucking shit out of Bill O'Reilly right now. This is the most amazing thing I have ever seen in my entire life! They're talking about Cindy Sheehan and O'Reilly says something disparaging about Cindy Sheehan - Letterman retorts, "Have you ever lost a loved one in combat?" O'Reilly: No. Letterman: Then I don't think you can speak to what she feels, can you?

BAM!

Letterman: "I have the feeling that about 60% of what you say is crap."

O'Reilly: "You have to give me an example."

Letterman: "I don't watch your program so that wouldn't be possible."

O'Reilly: "Watch the show for a half an hour - you'll become a factor fan and I'll send you a hat."

Letterman: "Yeah, send Cindy Sheehan a hat."

Oh my fucking god! This is the most amazing thing that has ever happened - EVER!

"Bill - it's always a pleasure."

Thank you, Dave. You are my hero.

Pimped Out MySpace!

Hey kids! Be my friend! I have 101 friends now - but I need more! Why? So I have one more excuse not to do all the things in life that I really should be doing! YES!

Power to the people! MySpace forever!

Hollywood

So, I did Adam Sank's show at Therapy just before the holidays, and one of the ladies of New York Cool came to review it. Here's what she said about me (review in italics):

Next up was Carolyn Castiglia, whom you may have seen perform at Caroline's or Gotham.

Okay, not a bad opening line. But though I have performed both places several times, I highly doubt "you" have seen me. But, why take issue with the first of two accurate sentences?...

She graced the stage wearing a "tent" of a shirt, which she said she wore for easy nipple access.

Woah, nellie! "Tent" of a shirt! First of all, it was not a tent - just because the arms were huge like butterfly wings does not it a tent make. And if I had called it a tent myself that would be one thing (and presumably why it's in quotes), but I called it a moo-moo, said I looked like Bea Arthur and wanted my cheesecake and that I realized when I was getting dressed that I am a drag queen trapped in a lesbian's body - all homo on the top and all Home Depot on the bottom. (A moo-moo and mom jeans - it totally worked. The gay boys loved it...) I mean, tent and moo-moo are not that far off, but it's like just because I call my mom a beech doesn't mean you can call her an a-hole, you know? (Right mom?!) This is why Brad and Jen broke up! Misquotes!

And I'd like to state for the record that I did not accuse the shirt of having easy nip access. That would be slutty. And I'm not a slut - I'm a whore. (Just kidding! I'm not a whore - whores get paid!) But seriously folks - this is a pre-preggers shirt we're talkin' about and it is so tight now in the boobular region you'd have to peel it off to get access to my uber-thick nursing bra and chip that away to get even close to the nips. Sorry.

She explained that she had pulled her eight-month-old-baby-girl off her breast as she ran out the door to "work."

Weeks. The baby was 8 weeks. Oy! And I didn't string any of those words together but I did talk about breastfeeding. And I never call comedy "work." Work would mean I get paid! If I was consistently paid as a comic, would I keep my job as a prostitute? I mean, really... (Just kidding! I prefer the term "lady of the evening." Or Geisha, if my moo-moo has an Asian feel.)

She also told us that work was the place where she could cuddle a beer and her husband wouldn't know. She told us that she felt there was a certain amount of lesbianism to breast feeding. Before the birth of her baby, the only times a woman had sucked her tit, it was lesbianism. She also spoke about living in East Harlem as a white woman with a black woman's ass.

These things are all vaguely correct. Although the phrase "it was lesbianism" has never been uttered from my mouth. Probably because there was a boobie in it! HEY! No - just kidding. I always let them do the work. (All my lesbians know, that's why you don't hook up with straight girls, am I right?! Am I right?!)

Carolyn certainly does know how to throw the shit right back at anyone who wants to dish it out.

So true. The last time I was at the Bronx Zoo, the gorillas started dishing out this stew, and I was like, "What is this? It looks like shit!" and threw it right back in their cage. Frickin' animals!

Therapy has often been described as having a tough crowd to please, but all three performers had a ball and the audience loved them.

Thank God! The review is sweet, but just totally made up. I'm glad she had a good time - everyone did - but bring a tape recorder next time, baby! I guess this is a good lesson in what parts of my schtick people take home with them, though. I'm not sure I want my lasting impression to be easy nip access and alcoholism. I mean, I don't want to come up on a Google search with Tara Reid.

New Year, News hows

Okay, I meant "new shows," but I figured since my readers are all such brilliant people and I'm such a topical comic, the news would be a good hook. Come see this shit, wouldya? To quote a wise, wise man, "Everything I do, ooh, I do it for you."

Tuesday, Jan. 3 @ 7:30

Mo Pitkin's House of Satisfaction!

34 Ave. A between 2nd and 3rd

FREE! FUNNY! FUN! FEMALES! FREAKY! F*CKING FANTASTIC!

Wednesday, January 4th @ 9:30

Mo Pitkin's - where else?!

$8 to make you holla - you gotta pay to get the wild thing...

This month's theme: "Skin Deep"

SUNDAYS AT SEVEN

January 8 @ you figure it out...

Irish Arts Center

553 W. 51st St. between 10th and 11th

$5 members/$8 non-members