Santa riding a cornucopia shitting out a ghost...

Hey kids! It's officially the holidays! Yay! Hope everybody enjoyed their turkey and all the weight that comes along with it.

I went home and had a lovely time with the fam - I'll be posting some pics on Adriana's blog shortly if you're interested.

Just wanna pimp out a few things that are going on in my world... First off, TONIGHT!


A very special Chicks with amazing talent for a great cause. Come on out and luagh!

Secondly, I just contributed a review of George Carlin's recent HBO Special "Life is Worth Losing" that will appear in the next issue of STAGE TIME MAGAZINE. You should check out Editor Tasha Harris's interview with the lovely and talented (Chicks and Giggles alum) Leighann Lord. Here's the link.

Lastly, come see our third installment of CHARACTER tomorrow night!


An evening of character comedy and sketch by New York's funniest f*cks. We're like your college girlfriend: You'll love laughing at us, but you wouldn't want to bring us home to Mom.

Out of the minds of babes... Carolyn Castiglia and Lianne Stokes.

Also Featuring:
Brandy and Sara (The PIT)
Nick Stevens (The Shark Show)
Baron Vaughn (Actor. Comedian. Negro.)
Billy Wood (The Social)
Becky Yamamoto (Welcome to Our Week)

Okay, kids. Castiglia - OUT!

Birthday Shots!

So, here it is, the party in pictures! Thank you Heidi and Brian. (Click here to see all the photos they took.) Let me try to recap the night...


The birthday girls! When we arrived at 7:05, publicist Matt Caldecutt, below, was already waiting for us.


"Ugh, where are those girls... Help them, Lord." (After all, Matt is the self-appointed Spiritual Father of my child.)


Adriana really was the guest of honor, being passed around from one adoring fan to the next. There are more pictures of her at the party on her blog. Here she is with Abby Rosin and Giulia Rozzi.


And speaking of babes, comedian and hottie Jen Dziura got me this fantastic Chicks and Giggles onesie! I couldn't believe it. The tagline says, "Or maybe it's just gas."


Improv impresario Deb Rabbai was there, who I hadn't seen in a while. She is a super talent and great person. (And cute to boot, eh?)


Mr. Shawn Hollenbach came bearing bundles of flowers! I'm so glad there's a picture of them because I am looking at them in my house right now and they are beautiful.

Oh - sorry for that pause. I just had to stop and smell the roses...


Allison Bojarski made cupcakes, of course, and they were delicious! Double Chocolate Mmm! We also got some cupcakes from Kelly Nichols and they were yum yum in the tum, too. I love this picture because my good friend Pete Stickles is in the background. He's the best. Look for him in the new movie Shortbus by John Cameron Mitchell. He's going to Sundance. Ain't that nice?!


Fellow cupcake lover Rachel Kramer Bussel likes Adriana more than Sugar Sweet Sunshine!


Jessica Cutler, clutching her Penthouse Variations, a gift from Rachael who's the editor. Don't worry, Mom, the party wasn't filled with porn.


Except for Jessica Delfino and I taking turns sipping from a big black wiener. Yeah, there was that.


The lovely Heidi Schmid finally got a chance to be in a picture, along with April Neujean and Jen Favorite, two of the best girls in the world, sipping on Mo's signature drink, the Orange Julius.


The amazingly talented Adira Amram saluted us with her hilarious and soulful songs. Somehow she managed to keep her boobs in that shirt.


Jenny, Alexis and Collette - blogger babes in the hizzy!


Some of my favorite people on the planet, collectively known as Charlie's Retards. Individually known as Laura Mannino, Theron Steiner, Katina Corrao, Wes Connelly and Jenny Rubin.

Who's That Girl?

Desperately Seeking Susan!

I was just checking out some of super photographer Brian Van's photos, and I want to know who this girl is with me last Tuesday night at Chicks. She was a drunken riot! Let's hang out, biatch! I think The Assimilated Negro knows... Are you out there, TAN?



Watch out, Madonna! This party babe will give you a run for your money, Material Girl!

p.s. - Please let her name really be Susan...

p.p.s. - Chicks tomorrow! Check the blog for some nice things people have been saying about us...

UPDATE: It's ANGELINA from HIGH CLASS JACKASS! YAY!

We don't need no water, let the mutha fluffer BURN!

So, um, I almost set Mo Pitkins on fire last night. Nichelle and I had our Second Annual Joint Birthday Blast (Trademark), and I caught one of my presents on fire. Luckily I only cinged a little tissue paper and all was well. I don't want to get on Jimmy Fallon's bad side by burning his place down. (AND - name drop!)

I'm hoping between Lianne, Nichelle and I we can blog enough SNL cast members names that eventually when you Google any of us it just says "Carolyn Stokes Stephens on fire at party with Fey Dratch Meyers."

If you don't know the whole Stokes/Dratch saga, you are really missing out. I'd hit you with all the links, but my neck hurts from partying. You'll just have to Google it. If you dare.......

Anywho - on a final name dropping note (does it stink in here or is it me?) - I met Jessica Cutler of the Washingtoniennne last night. She was very, very sweet. She clutched her stuff all night long. Smart - since I have 5 friends who've had their bags stolen within the last year. One just got held up at knife point and she wasn't even scared. Apparently the desire not to lose $500 worth of MAC makeup overrides the fear of death.

Here's a great pic of Niche and I from the party last night that Cheryl B. took. Thanks to everybody who came out! I had a blast!



p.s. - I would just like to state, for the record, that I did NOT bust the guy referenced in my last post who was smoking the ganj on the train. I know Will and Jodi, doobie brothers that they are, were worried. I would never do that. He just gave me another reason to go to Taco Bell. I can't fault the man for that...

New Amsterdam?

Last night I got on the subway and some dude was smoking a huge fatty - right out in public. I couldn't believe it. I haven't smelled a stench like that since the last time I was in Holland. I think Burger King has a deal with the Dutch government where they waft mowie-wowie through the tram vents so people will get off, have it their way right away and get back on the tram again. Most of my fellow subway riders didn't seem to mind the smoke, but they did find it kind of curious. Here's the exchange I had with the girl next to me:

Me: "That guy down there is totally smoking pot."

Her: "I thought I smelled it!"

Me: "Yeah. I'm gonna go home to my baby with a contact high."

Her: "Well, I guess there's no one on here that's gonna stop him."

Me: "Yeah. If you see something, say something. Unless you get the munchies and forget."

Luckily when I got off the train, I was right in front of Donut Connection, so I was able to feed my hunger AND report it to the police at the same time!

Ah, thank you. Thank you very much.

Dude - first post from my Dell!

Holla! I am in Starbucks posting from the laptop. Psyched! Just got out of the audition - it was fun. They film this wekeend so I'll find out soon. I was the youngest person there, so who knows. Aight - gotta go home and feed my baby! Just wanted to tell the world I am now wireless and freeeeeee!

Free at last, free at last - thank T-Mobile I am free at last! (For the low, low price of $20 a month. Plus the router I have to go buy at Best Buy. Ah - forget it. I'm broke.)

Okay - real quick...

STARBROKE - a play in 3 lines

Carolyn: (entering Starbucks, to self) If I ask for cream, do you think they'll take my WIC check? (to Barista) Hi, I'd like a venti with WIC Mocha. Extra WIC.

Barista: You can only get extra WIC on an Egg Nog Latte.

Carolyn: No problem. Throw some cheese in there if you have to. Do whatever it takes, my friend.

And - scene.

Barr None

So I get a call from my agent last night on my way out the door to the show and he says, "I'm so glad you're back - I got an audition for you tomorrow - Radio Shack national - the character's name is Georgette. She's a ROSEANNE BARR type."

All my dreams have come true, folks.

But seriously - I kicked ass last night. The crowd went nuts for my jokes about DJ and Darlene.

Alright - Day 2 of fingers crossed! Keep 'em tight if you want that beer!

Come to Chicks and Giggles tonight and I'll tell you how it went...

Gotta go - Dan's callin' me!

- Rosie

The Moms are gonna have their way... Tonight!

It's 3:30 pm - you're bored at work, thinking about what you want to do tonight... I know! You want to go to GOTHAM COMEDY CLUB and see Carolyn Castiglia (that's me!) kick some suburban mom ass in the SEARCH FOR THE FUNNIEST MOM IN AMERICA contest!

GOTHAM - West Siiiide!
208 West 23rd Street
between 7th and 8th Aves.
7:00 pm
$10/2 drinks

Look, I'll admit, I don't expect to win this thing because they are probably looking for a Roseanne type. (Watch it! I heard that!) You know, 5 kids, middle-aged, put-upon housewife. But I'm gonna have a blast bringing some urban flava, regardless... and besides, if I do win, I get $50,000 and my own show, so, I could like seriously buy you all one drink.

Doesn't that make you wish you could say "I knew her when..." she won the money to finally buy me the beer she owes me?

If you like ham, you'll love Virginia!

Hey kids - in 12 hours I'll be headed down to the Eastern Shore of VA to do a little Showy McShow, so, see ya Monday! In the meantime, ponder this next post...

New Title for Ye Olde Bloggety-Blog?

You're So Money!

Got an email from a friend today that said:

This is a money angel.
Pass it to 6 of your good friends and be rich in 4 Days.
Pass it to 12 of your good friends and be rich in 2 Days.

I am not joking. If u delete it u will beg. Trust me!!!

We're not friends anymore.

How you gonna send somebody a friging angel and tell them it will do amazing things for them if they tell other people about it, but if they don't they are going to suffer?

That's preposterous! I mean, that would be like telling somebody that Jesus would save their soul as long as they went to remote Tsunami-stricken regions of the world to proselytize but if they didn't they'd go to hell.

Oh, wait. I guess we are still friends.

I figure 12 people will see this here. Pass it on - IF YOU VALUE YOUR SOUL...........

How come nobody sends an email that says, "This is a poop of love. No need to forward. Don't send it back. Just know that this piece of shit means I love you. And you are about to win a million dollars. Have a nice day."

p.s. - If you do pass this on, do what I do and sabotage the original author by deleting the part that sounds like the threat of a stalker holding a dead rabbit over your head. Sure, you won't get the money, but you'll get to keep your friends.

Funny, huh? Or funny, ha!

I met this comic Tim Warner last night who said:

"I don't want to be a comic. I want to be a comedian. Because comics say funny things and comedians say things funny. I want to say things funny."

I guess I want to be a comician, then, because I want to say funny things funny.

Last week at Chicks, Brian Van said to me, "You know what I like about you, Carolyn? Your inner-monologue is an Opera Singer who needs therapy."

Somebody's been reading my diary again! (Sung to the tune of Glitter and be Gay) Ha ha HA ha ha ha! HA ha ha ha HA ha ha ha!

Chicks and Giggles in The New Yorker

Yep! That's right! We are name dropped in The New Yorker, baby! And here's the clip - a review of Mo Pitkins. (Does the author suggest the comedy is better than the food?...) Nah - they're both GREAT! Come down TONIGHT and see for yourself!

CHICKS AND GIGGLES
MO PITKINS
34 Ave. A (between 2nd and 3rd Streets)
TUESDAY, NOV. 8 at 7:30
FREE!

Happy Election Day, Hypocrites!

THINGS THAT PISS ME OFF ABOUT ELECTION DAY:

1.) NEWSPAPERS

Hey, hip, liberal news rag Village Voice! Ever heard of practicing what you preach? I know it's hard to stay true to your values when fame and fortune are so fervently in your face - and of course the more principled you are the harder it is to stick to them, yada yada yada. But, simply put, where do you get off running shitloads of articles - in print and online - about how we should not vote for Bloomberg today and then take his advertising money for FULL PAGE ADS supporting him! I mean, come on, dude! It happened in last week's print issue and in this week's - and I saved this week's so I could give you the page numbers and everything.

PAGE 17 reads:

Vote November 8
Keep NYC moving forward.
Leadership
Mike Bloomberg for NYC

That's it. The ENTIRE PAGE.

PAGE 18:

An article by Wayne Barrett titled, "Shut your mouth," subtitled,
"Big-Bucks Bloomy Buys Corporate Silence in Six Sex and Race Cases"

Well, VV - looks like he bought you guys, too!

PAGE 22:

An article by Tom Robbins titled, "His hypocritical oath," subtitled, "Four Reasons Not to Give Michael Bloomberg a Second Term"

Whose oath, Village Voice? His? Or yours?...

2.) PROBLEMS AT THE POLLS: YOU DOWN WITH GOP? (You don't know me!)

My friend April reported to me today that FOR THE SECOND YEAR IN A ROW she was asked what her party affiliation was by the poll workers when she went to vote. That is totally not allowed, and yet she felt compelled to answer, just as she did last year. She thinks the poll workers were suspect she'd vote Republican because she's a white girl in a predominantly black and hispanic neighborhood. She's not down with GOP, but even if she were, she shouldn't feel intimidated to cast her vote for whomever she wants. I hate to use the term "reverse racism" because I'm not even sure what that means entirely, but I know I was livid when I found out blacks were having trouble at the polls during the presidential race - why should a white girl in Harlem be looked at with suspect, either? Not fair.

3.) APATHY

The only thing I feel like doing today is bitching about the election, not voting in it. Why? Because I don't see any real difference between either candidate. I don't see either of them having a brilliant vision for the city - and frankly, rent is gonna be unaffordable no matter who we elect and that's my major concern - so why bother? Now, maybe the reason I don't see much difference between the candidates is because Mike Bloomberg is a friging godzillionaire and Ferrer had no money to run his campaign, but when it comes down to it, isn't that what New York is all about? The rich people get what they want and the rest of us get the scraps?

Some rich bitch buys her clothes at Prada and I buy the knockoff on Canal Street. And we're both happy, right?

Right.

Happy bitching about everything. That's one thing the entire city can always agree on. How much everything sucks. And how much we like it that way.

Hippity-Doo-Da, Hippity-Yay!

Inspired by Ms. Giulia's disclosure of her "fan mail," I now post the message of love and hope I got from the same guy. I have to say, if you're out there Ancient One, I dig it. You seem like a hip cat and if I lived in Canada, I would totally have you read my tarot cards or get together with you over herbal tea to talk about UFO's. Why aren't more people this nice (or stoned)?

Greetings from The Ancient One

Hello Carolyn

It was while Voyaging Spiritually through cyberspace that I came upon the Precious Jewel which is your website. I Enjoyed your Individual Path, the Voice of your Soul is within your site. The Universe is one Song and your Verse is Creative and Imaginative. When we allow others into our world we take a great step on a Pilgrimage to the Self. May yours be a Journey that Embraces all Paths and Rejoices in the Light.

My name is The Ancient One with Heart of Buffalo Journeys with Spirit of White Wolf. I am a Transformational Guide, Poet and Sacred Intuitive. I Enjoy Discovering Diversity and your pages are a Poetic Landscape that Evoke your own Light with Wisdom and Grace. I wish you Peace in your Heart and Sacredness in everyday Life.

May yours be a Luminous Spirituality that Lights the Lamp of Wisdom for all Blessed to cross your Path.

Yours in Shamanic Consciousness
The Ancient One

You see that? I am a "Precious Jewel," mutha fluffers! Put that in your shamanic pipe and smoke it!

Yours in consciousness raising and Buffalo Journeys - Mmm! I could go for some wings!
Carolyn

Baby Wants Candy

I've been trying to organize my shit on Flickr and watching my baby solo all day but I wanted to tell you about this show TONIGHT!

SHOW AND TELL COMEDY
Pete's Candy Store
709 Lorimer Street in Williamsburg
7:30-9:00 pm
FREE

Comedy Show & Tell mixes performances by top young comedians with actual, old-fashioned show and tell by audience members. To participate, bring a silly object to share and show up a few minutes early to get on the list. (Or, just come watch!)

Featuring Carolyn Castiglia, Chelsea Peretti, Tim Warner. Hosted by Jen Dziura.

Dude - I'm totally getting a Dell - for real this time.

Alright - I know I said it a long time ago but seriously and for total real I am finally getting my own computer for the first time in my life! I am so excited. This is it, kids. The Dell Inspiron 6000. And it's all mine. For the low, low cost of what I should be saving for my child's education and the downpayment on that house I'll never have plus 29.99% interest a month for the rest of my life. But hey - at least I'll be able to update my website without having to go to Kinko's!

E=MC2

Michael Cyril Creighton finally started a blog! He is not only brilliantly funny, but also extremely dapper. And appearing in a special event I'm producing on November 29 at Mo Pitkins called "Chicks and Gaygles." Donations will go to God's Love We Deliver in honor of Thanksgiving and World AIDS Day. More info soon!

Show-off...

Come see Chicks tonight, guys! That's all I'm sayin'. 7:30 pm - MO PITKINS - 34 Ave. A between 2nd and 3rd. I'm hosting. We are gonna rock the room like it's 1999.

I'm gonna send out my newsletter with all my show info for November today. Anybody know how to do a little thing in the sidebar that allows people to sign up for my mailing list? Lemme know!

Kind Bud

Don't you just love getting mail? I mean real mail, like a letter or a card, not some bullshit "bill" from Time Warner or T-Mobile or your 7 credit card companies. They don't count. But real mail, hand-written and stamped with love. It's one of the best things life has to offer, I think. So you can imagine I was psyched when I saw yesterday that I got a card that says:

FLOWERS FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY

It's printed in a really charming block letter font, as if it were done by hand, with different little flowers amidst the lettering. I thought to myself, "My birthday's not for a while and my name and address were typed on the envelope. Who is this from?"

So I opened it and read:

"The People of Santa Fe Natural Tobacco Company."

Because nothing says irony like a cancer corporation sending you flowers for your funeral. I mean - birthday.

And hey man, the card is made from 100% recycled post consumer paper and embedded with annual and perennial wildflowers. It's kind of a nice gesture, come to think of it.

Because, I mean, when you're on your death bed and hacking up a lung, nothing says HOPE like a lone, lopsided daisy sprouting out of the rusted old garbage can in your New York apartment's "back yard." Nothing except the rat that scurries up that pail to eat it, of course.

Now, I'm not trying to dog the folks that make American Spirit. As my faithful readers know, I used to be a smoker - or a social smoker anyway - and I used to smoke American Spirit Lights. After all the packs I bought at $8 or $9 a pop, frankly, they owe me this bouquet. Now, how they got my birthday and address I have no idea. But those Native Americans have some serious spirit-world knowledge that I am not about to mess with, so I'm just gonna take the flowers and be on my way.

Since I quit smoking, it's not the big party in the sky I'm on my way to, it's the Post Office. I'm gonna send this card to my mother, a) since she loves gardening and b) since I never got her anything for her birthday this year. She actually smokes Winston's, but hey - it's the thought that counts.

Thanks, Santa Fe Natural Tobacco Company! You just killed two birds with one cigarette! But in the Spring you can feed two birds with one card of seeds...

It's better than feeding a rat.