HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

Hey everybody! Today is Halloween - one of the best days of the year! Maybe THE best day of the year. I love Halloween so much and I don't even know why. Being a performer, it's not like I need the extra chance to dress up. I guess I just love the fact that it seems like everyone in the world is dressed up, with full-on glitter and masks and feathers... (sounds like an outfit I wore last week.) That's why Halloween in New York City provides a special challenge; you really have to go all out to make sure you actually look different than you do on a daily basis. (Is that a homeless guy/hot dog vendor/street performer or did he just buy that outfit at Ricky's? Hard to say.) I mean, I wear so much sparkly eyeshadow as it is I really have to go balls-to-the-wall to look like more than my usual drag-queen self. Take this costume for example - it may be subtle, but I'm dressed as Dolly Parton with brown hair. I mean look at that rack! Jesus - I guess milk really does do a body good...

Adriana's costume is a bit less risque - still simple, but super cute. Her bib actually says, "Baby's First Halloween." My friend Joel thought that was kind of ridiculous. He said, "What? First it was Baby's First Christmas. Now it's Baby's First Halloween. What's next? Baby's First Memorial Day?" That's so true. I can just see it now - they'll make a bib with a little flag wreath on it strewn over a grave. And then there's Baby's First Arbor Day - where the bib is completely biodegradable. You don't wash it, you just throw it out your window and eventually get a tree. No, wait - I know: Baby's First Administrative Professionals Day! And there's no bib. Just a noose...

For Adriana's sake, I hope it never comes to that. Lord, please let my baby skip over Administrative Professional status like a hot gay man over a fat bald guy. Let her get a good job - something that pays well - that she likes. Like Gravedigger or Toll Booth Collector or Roto-Rooter Woman. Anything but Administrative Professional. Please, Lord. This I pray in Bill Gates' name. Amen.

But I should really say "Ah, men," since AP Day used to be called "Secretaries Day" and urged male bosses to get their female assistants a card that said, "Thanks for being my bitch, bitch. Now pour me another cup of coffee!" (Speaking of Dolly Parton - anybody seen 9 to 5? Can I get a woop woop?!) After five plus years as an AP on Wall Street, the only two things I can say have really changed are:

1) You don't have to pour the coffee now, you have to go get it from Starbucks.

and 2) It might be another bitch calling you bitch, as you may remember from my Office Preggers posts.

That's about it. Not that I didn't like the people I worked with. (Especially if you're one of my office buds reading this!) 99% of the people I ever came in contact with I really truly liked. Some I even loved and still do. It's just the job that sucks. I used to tell my guys at "the bank" that working for them was like having 7 husbands and getting no orgasm in return. They thought that was hilarious. But even assistants need an assistant. If you're the temp who gets stuck with that job you're really gonna take it up the you-know-what.

"Joanie, can you copy this stuff and get me a coffee?"

"Sure, Bob."

"Hey, temp?"

"Yes, Joanie?"

"What's your name again?"

"Carolyn."

"Caroline - right. Um, listen Carol. Bob just gave me a HUGE project."

"You mean the copy/coffee thing?"

"Um, no. Something else. Something huge and really important. It's top secret. Since you're not a full time employee you can't even really know about it."

"Oh. Okay."

"So, anyway Katherine - listen. I'm gonna need you to make these copies and go to Starbucks and get 2 Half-caf Mocha Frappucinos - HOT - one Dopio and one Americano with a shot of hazelnut in the first and sugar-free vanilla in the second, okay? Here's five bucks. I hope that's enough. Oh - and get something for yourself while you're down there, too, alright?"

"Like some dignity?"

"What'd you say, Christie?"

"Nothing. Just - be back in a jiffy."

"Right."


I guess that's why people have dogs.


But wasn't I talking about Halloween? Oh, yeah. I think the best way to tie this all together is by saying have fun tonight you crazy tricksters! Let the cares of your day job melt away as you booze it up dressed as a chunk of cheese or a parakeet or whatever it is you're going to be wearing. I hope it's something fabulous!

If you have a hot costume, let me know in the comments or email me a picture. I will post it. I'm a little bummed because my big celebration this year is going to be on the couch watching the parade on TV. But, hey - it's better than working!

Well, I better go. James - can I have another cup of coffee please?! My cup has been empty for most of this post! God, it's so hard to find good help nowadays...

TONIGHT!

Just got asked to sub for this show tonight! These girls are talented - stop by if you can!

A night of Monologues featuring Una Osato, Negin Farsad, Katie Halper and CAROLYN CASTIGLIA.

Thursday October 27th
8pm
The Tank
www.thetanknyc.org
208 west 37th (btwn 7th and 8th)
$5

YIPEE, SKIPPEE! I will be reading my piece from last month's WYSIWYG if you want the chance to catch it in person - and who doesn't?! If you live or have lived in Astoria - come experience the catharsis!

Rest in Peace, Rosa Parks.

"I am leaving this legacy to all of you ... to bring peace, justice, equality, love and a fulfillment of what our lives should be. Without vision, the people will perish, and without courage and inspiration, dreams will die - the dream of freedom and peace."

Her passing makes me think, do we all do what we can each day? Do we all realize how small acts of kindness and conscious defiance make all the difference? That in just opening a door we can open someone's heart?... I don't mean to wallow in schmaltz, but I think it's just the truth.

Thank you, Rosa, for the simple courage to sit.

Mortifying!

I have more chins in this picture than my baby! Oy! And yet, somehow I still love it. ;)

I had a great time at Mortified Friday night. Unfortunately, I didn't get to stay for the whole show since I had to run home and feed the baby, but Giulia sent us these great pictures of the entire cast that Brandi Ediss took - she is a fantastic photographer! Enjoy...

MILF with a Y?

Someone commented on the baby blog that I should change my profile from "Soon-to-be Mom" to MILF. While I do find this extremely flattering (my fair commenter of the night!), I have to say I also find it a bit inappropriate. After all, you can't really call yourself a MILF unless you're willing to insinuate that you really like to masturbate. Here's why:

MILF
From Wiktionary

Etymology 1

Abbreviation of Mother I'd Like to F*ck. Popularized by the film American Pie (1999), though its usage predates the movie.

MILF (plural: MILFs)

EDITOR'S NOTE: Doesn't that mean the plural stands for Mother I'd Like to F*cks? Sounds like something Gollum would say. "Mmm, is that a rocks in its pockets's or is its just happies to sees me?"

1. (acronym) (vulgar): A (putative) mother found sexually attractive.

"Tom's mother is hot — she's a real MILF."

*Usage note: MILF has quickly become a much used descriptor on the internet for pornography sites featuring women mostly between the ages of 35 and 50. Older mature pornographic models do not usually come under this heading.

EDITOR'S NOTE: That's right. I believe they're called GILFs.

At any rate, I suppose I could call myself a MYLF - a Mother You'd Like to F*ck - but that's just a little too cocky for my taste. Of course then at least no one would think I was calling myself a member of the...

Etymology 2

Abbreviation of Moro Islamic Liberation Front.

MILF (plural: MILFs)

EDITOR'S NOTE: Again, that means the plural stands for Moro Islamic Liberation Fronts. No wonder they're having trouble establishing a state - you can't cover more than one front! Hell, I can barely cover my front now that, like June, my boobs are bustin' out all over. Just part of my MYLF-y charm, I suppose... But I digress...

1. (initialism) Moro Islamic Liberation Front, an organization in the Philippines seeking to establish an Islamic state on the island of Mindanao. Distinctly different from the MNLF or Moro National Liberation Front which, though has a similar goal, is composed of different leaders.

And let's not forget the pop-culture usage of MNLF - Mother Nobody'd Like to F*ck. It's harder to say because it's harder to hear. There's no real way to use that self-referentially. Unless you say IMNLF - but if you're the type of person to use such dorky acronyms, you're definitely a MNLF.

OK - GT 2 GO! L8R SK8R! LOLOLOL!

Am I crazy?!

Crazy like a fox!

Giulia asked me to pinch hit for that crazy hit show Mortified this Friday and unlike the Yankees I cannot let my team down. So! I am running out of the house, down to the Magnet Theatre and back again before you can say "leaky breasts." Please come!

WHAT: Mortified NYC
WHEN: Fri Oct 21
TIME: 9:30pm
WHERE: Magnet Theater (254 W. 29th St.)
COST: $12
RSVP: 212-244-8824

FEATURING PATHETIC CRAP BY: Mathew Harawitz (diary), Krista & Keleigh Lanphear (lyrics), Nellie Stevens (diary), Anne Jensen (diary), Kirsten Gronfield (lyrics), Liz Black (diary), Qraig DeGroot (diary), Giulia Rozzi (diary), Laurie Sandell (diary) & Carolyn Castiglia.

I'm Back, Bitches!

Yo - can a sista not take 4 days off to expel her uterus without gettin' flack?! From my good buddy Rachael Parenta:

"i can't believe you didn't live blog the whole delivery. sad carolyn just sad."

Yeah, Rachael - and I'm gonna home school her and teach her Intelligent Design, too. (Ooh - does it hurt?!)

Okay guys - seriously. I am home and feeling pretty good. Really exhausted half the time but Adriana is awesome and Mark is an amazing co-parent. For those of you that can stomach it, the cute stuff - including one gorgeous picture (for now - you know I'll be posting more as the days go by) - is up on the baby blog.

Ha! Live blog the birth. Please. I would have but they don't have internet at that place! Can you believe that shit? They focus on getting, like, heart monotoring equipment and stuff. I'm sorry, New York Presb, but that is so 80's...

Anybody need me to do a set tomorrow night?

Just kidding!

How 'bout tonight? Midnight show? I have some great new stuff!

"So this baby walks into a bar..."

Ah, fuck it. ;)

I take that back...

I won't be going to the show tonight. Guess why? CUZ I AM GOING TO THE HOSPITAL, BITCHES! Woo-hoo! I went to the Dr. today and she swept my membranes (ladies - watch out! Avoid this at all costs... imagine a knitting needle in your vag - not hot. Sorry, fellas. I'm just keepin' it real. Remember, you came from somewhere, and it wasn't the cabbage patch!) That should either kick start natural labor or I will be getting Pitocin in the morning to get the party started! I am so psyched. And a little bit scared, but, mostly psyched. ;)

So, sorry you won't be hearing from me for a few days. Check out all my buds on the right sidebar - funny bitches one and all. And for those of you that are those funny bitches, well, make me a card or somethin'! Talk to you soon!

Love,
Carolyn

I'm probably gonna go to this show - I mean, it's not like I have anything else to do this week...

Yeah, so, I haven't given birth yet. It's pretty awesome. I might even show up and surprise host Chicks tomorrow? WHY NOT?! I walked 52 blocks yesterday to get this kid outta me and NOTHIN' - a little stand up won't hurt, right?

I actually wish it would. I want to be hurting right now. I want to be having contractions and screaming in pain.

This is nuts.

By the way - a lovely girl named Amanda who I met the other night after Mintyfresh (at Rudy's - the free hot dog bar - first time there - it was amazing - if you haven't been - GO! They really give you free dogs, dawg! 5 years I been livin' here and I just got my first free dog? WTF?) told me that Katie Holmes plans to have a silent birth. No sound. Silent. And to not talk for a week after the baby is born. What's next, Tom? No drugs in case she gets PPD, no sound while THERE'S A HEAD COMING OUT OF HER VAG? You gonna stop feeding her, too?

FREE KATIE!

Anyway - go see Chicks and Giggles tomorrow night. That's my point.

CHICKS AND GIGGLES
TUESDAY, OCTOBER 11 at 7:30 pm
MO PITKINS
34 AVE. A (between 2nd and 3rd)
FREE!

Lineup:

Michelle Buteau (Premium Blend)
Jackie Cohen (Tough Crowd)
Jen Dziura (The Improv)
Emily Epstein (Laugh Lounge)
Christina McGrath (UCB)
Rachael Parenta ($1 Room)

Hosted by Laura Mannino (Comedy Cellar)

Mintyfresh

...was...

Fan-f*cking-tastic!

Thanks to everyone who came out! The 89-seat room was packed! What an amazing crowd - and an amazing show to "end on." In quotes a) cuz I'm only taking a month off - hardly an ending, but... and b) because at this rate (I'm due TODAY!) I am never gonna have this kid! Aaah!

Terror-iffic!

My parents called me freaking out last night about the terror alert in the subways.

"You're not going anywhere tonight, are ya?"

"No, Mom. I'm just gonna sit here in my apartment and wither away like the sea beast I am waiting for this baby to come out. Why?"

"Well, your father said there was something going on in the subway."

"Oh shit! Did I miss the 9 year old Guatemalan Basket-Weaving Breakdancers AGAIN?"

Please. There's "something going on in the subway." Exactly. What? They don't know. But it's something "credible" and "specific." How specific? They can't say. But it's - well, it's something. Something that might specifically affect me in a few days - if I can get this kid outta me. (At this point, that would be pretty incredible.) From Rediff.com:

The city has been put on "orange" alert which is second highest in the colour-coded system developed by the United States Department of Homeland Security and commuters have been advised against bringing backpacks, heavy packages and baby strollers as far as possible in the subway stations, officials said.

According to authorities, this is the first time they have received a specific threat against... the subway system and their information shows that baby strollers packed with explosives could be used in the attack.

What? Hold the phone! No wonder this little girl is being searched! SHE'S A GOD-DAMN AMERICA-HATING TERRORIST!


My Little Pony, My ASS! Oh, and I suppose you expect us to overlook the fact that your so-called "American Girl" doll has brown skin? Watch it, missy. You and that doll will be thrown in the slammer so fast your head'll spin!

There are indications that a terrorist attack on New York's subway system is possible "in coming days", Police Commissioner Raymond Kelly said. But he declined to give details, citing security concerns.

Quoting an unidentified "well-placed" source, CNN said the same intelligence also led to a raid against suspected al Qaeda operatives in Iraq. It quoted a FBI official as saying that there is a possibility that this particular threat "may be resolved in the coming days."

Wait a minute... my baby is due in "the coming days." I'm gonna be pushing her around in a "baby stroller..."

Oh My God - I hate America.

I just realized it. I am an evil-doer. I am making people risk their lives by taking the subway! Even my own mayor!


However, to reassure the commuters, (the Mayor) said he still felt safe enough to take the subway home Thursday and to (the) office on Friday.

I'm so sorry, Mike. I didn't mean it. For Christ's sake - get your billionaire ass in a cab! What is wrong with you? I'm not going to take the subway and I'm the one with the anti-American baby stroller!

Don't worry New York City. This was all a big mistake. To clear things up and put everyone at ease, I make this pledge to you now: once my baby is born, we will only Baby Bjorn. I swear.

But wait - there's more news? It's not just baby strollers we have to be worried about? Wait - they shut down Penn Station because they found a "suspicious package?" Well, what was it?

From AOL:

A discarded soda bottle filled with an unidentified green liquid was found at Penn Station during morning rush hour, Amtrak officials said. Kelly said it was a type of drain-cleaner substance; it did not pose a threat to passengers and was removed for testing.


What is it? Anthrax? Poison? Liquified gas?
Palmolive.
Oh.

"If I'm going to make a mistake you can rest assured it is on the side of being cautious," Bloomberg said at a news conference, flanked by Police Commissioner Ray Kelly. But he stressed that he did not think that any mistake had been made.

"We did exactly the right thing," Kelly said.

He followed that up with, "Madge - I soaked in it."

New York's security level remained at orange, the second-highest of the five color codes on the terror threat advisory system, and the same level it has stayed at since the Sept. 11, 2001, terror attacks. The country remains at the yellow level, midpoint on the scale.

Wait a minute... all this terror hoo-ha and the threat level remained at orange? That wasn't an elevation? Ah, screw you, New York City! My baby and I are headed to the 6 Train in a stroller wearing a backpack with a pan of soapy dishes - and there's nothing you can do to stop me! Credible and specific this, buddy! Now you sound like my doctor, just handing out due dates willy-nilly! I can't believe anybody anymore! Jeez...

Lil' TomKat

Katie: Can you believe we're kissing right now?

Tom: No.

Katie: Why are you holding my neck so hard?

Tom: Because if I don't I'm afraid I'll fall down laughing!

Katie: I know! Can you believe 500 people are taking our picture right now?!

Tom: No! Good thing I wore my platforms.

Katie: You did?! I thought those were your balls against my knees!

Tom: Knees? I thought that was your purse!

Katie: No, silly. My purse is up here, against your nips.

Tom: Oh, I thought it was just getting chilly. Hard nips - turkey's done!

Katie: Tom, you are hilarious!

Tom: You make such a great hag. Uh, girlfriend. I mean, girlfriend. Want to be the mother of my REAL baby - unlike that bitch Nicole who thinks her uterus is made of 24 karat solid gold?

Katie: Well, yes, of course! I mean, I've been dreaming of this since I was a child... for like the last 5 years! But, I'm supposed to remain a virgin until I get married...

Tom: Oh, well. I can see where that would be a problem. (Secret mental leaps of joy on Oprah's couch.) If you want, I wouldn't even have to have sex with you. I mean, since the turkey's done, we might as well baste it, right?

Katie: Oh, Tom - it's perfect! I'll need something to do now anyway since I've been banned from the next Batman movie, and babies are the best accessory. Do you think we can get one in black? It's more slimming.

Tom: I don't know. I already have one in black. Well, we'll see. Anyway - great! I'll go tell my boyfriend. Uh, sister. I mean, sister.

The... end?

At least I can control my own laughter...

That's about all I can control these days. I can't seem to control this pregnancy at all. I just got waitlisted for my induction - because my kid won't leave her apartment - and why should she? She's got 1300 square feet and rent control - I wouldn't move, either!

I can't sleep at night - which is fine since I have so much BLOGGING to do! (Doesn't anybody read anymore?...) The only things I can wrap my mind around lately are baby magazines and I am so sick of those. I did do some fabulous updating of the Chicks and Giggles blog - with the big news of our move to MO PITKINS at the helm of that! Check it out. The pics from last night's NYUCF show are great.

I also had a great time at Otto's on Monday watching Susie and Lianne's show. Everyone was funny, and I got a sweet little kiss on the forehead from John Morrrison who said, "I thought you'd be havin' that thing right now!" Me too, Johnny. Me, too!

In other news, I heard Lindsay Lohan got into another car accident. Paparazzi, my ass. Not that they're not ruthless, because I'm sure they are, but everyone knows if you just let them take your picture they leave you alone. It's when you run that they run after you. Stop letting them control your life, L. Lo! Before you know it, you'll be marrying some douche in Vegas ("We had to do it here, the paparazzi wouldn't give us any privacy!"), getting divorced ("We couldn't handle the media pressure!"), having a kid with someone who dumps you ("If there weren't cameras around blinding me all the time I wouldn't be choosing such losers! I couldn't see his wedding ring with that flash.") and making the sequel to "Herbie: Fully Loaded" called "Herbie: Completely Tanked." (Not because of the paparazzi, because you love NASCAR. It's okay. Lots of people do. Ssshhh. Mommy's here.)

I don't know. I certainly don't want anyone to die like Princess Diana and I think it would probably suck to never have ANY privacy, but come on, Lohan. You love it! You love the attention you little Long Island Drama Queen! You come from a f*cked up family - this shit is what gets you up in the morning! If you didn't starve yourself to look like the lead in Corpse Bride you would never be getting this kind of attention, so the moral of the story is, if you want to be able to go shopping in peace, eat a couple pizzas and drive your Buick to the Lane Bryant at the mall like everyone else.

Damn. I'm hungry. Carolyn, exeunt.

So, I know I'm Supposed to Be Having a Baby This Week and Everything...

But the New York Underground Comedy Festival is upon us, so my uterus is just going to have to wait! (Actually, it's my uterus that's making me wait, so I might as well do some cool shit in the meantime.)

If I were not 99 months pregnant right now I'd probably be doing 5 or 6 shows this week. But since I am due SUNDAY, I figured I'd take it easy. I laughed when my friend Laura said, "Oh, I'll book you on our show, just in case the baby is late. Then if you can't do it, whatever, we'll just give everybody more time." I thought that was so cool, especially given the fact that I didn't even book myself on my own show - just in case. Well, given the fact that I haven't had a single contraction, no water-breaking or mucus plug loss (yeah, don't be jealous that you don't have a mucus plug - I know it's hot...), I'm thinkin' I just might be rocking the mic after all. So, check out CHICKS AND GIGGLES and MINTYFRESH this week. (See show ads below.) The comedy is going to be hot-red-hot!

Also, I made a little schedule for myself of other shows in the Fest I am going to go to this week. You know, provided I'm not in stirrups:

MONDAY
"The Big Sell"
Otto's Shrunken Head
538 E 14 (Between A/B)
8:00 PM
FREE

Susie Felber (who just did Chicks not too long ago) and my good buddy Lianne Stokes host an evening featuring professional comedians who have (or have had) a secret double life -- "day jobs" in advertising. Also featuring: Rob Paravonian, Amanda Melson, Joe DeVito, Josh Comers, Jordan Carlos, John Morrison, Anthony DeVito and some very special surprise guests.

TUESDAY
"Chicks and Giggles" - of course!
RAGA
433 East 6th Street (1st and A)
8:30 PM
FREE

See next post for complete lineup!

WEDNESDAY
"The Social Edge"
Sin Sin
Corner of 2nd Avenue and 5th Street
9:00 PM
FREE

The Social’s Underground Show will take you for a ride to the edge… of everything that’s outlandish, inappropriate and silly all in one night. Hosted by Katina Corrao. Featuring Becky Yamamoto, Matt McCarthy, Kevin Murphy, Baron Vaughn, with special appearances by Joey Pickles (Billy Wood) and Eddie (Allen Warnock).

THURSDAY
"Souled Out Comedy"
The Improv
53rd Street and 8th Ave.
9:00 PM
$10/2 drinks

My friend and the very talented Leighann Lord (Comedy Central) is featured, along with Mike Yard (BET Comic View) and Dean Edwards (SNL).

FRIDAY
"Sweet Paprika"
Laugh Factory
Times Square
8:30 PM
$7/2 drinks

Ophira Eisenberg and Allison Castillo are back with Sweet Paprika! I don't know who's on the lineup, but their show is always great.

SATURDAY
Mintyfresh - duh!
Laugh Factory
Times Square
8:00 PM
$5

See two posts below for all the deets...

SUNDAY
Sunday's at Seven
Irish Arts Center
553 West 51st Street (10th/11th Aves.)
7:00 PM
$8.00 (non- members)
$5.00 (members)

Featuring:
Ann Design (Gotham)
Fiona Walsh (NY Improv)
Brad Zimmerman (Just for Laughs Fest)
Erin Foley (Premium Blend)
Buddy Fitzpatrick
Ryan Paulson (Minneapolis Fringe Festival)
Special Musical Guest - Enda Keegan - www.surreylane.com

Enjoy the week, kids! Laugh it up!

Check Yourself Before You Wreck Yourself

CHICKS AND GIGGLES
TUESDAY, OCTOBER 4 at 8:30 pm

RAGA - 433 East 6th Street (1st and A)
FREE!

This lineup is to die for!

Desiree Burch (SMUT)
Rachel Feinstein (Just for Laughs Fest)
Laura Mannino (Mintyfresh)
Giulia Rozzi (Mortified)
Jenny Rubin (Comedy Cellar)
Lianne Stokes (Brutal Honesty)

Hosted by Ophira Eisenberg (Premium Blend)

I will be there to kick things off and announce our collection for the Festival's Official Charity, Operation Uplink. Holla with a dolla!

Mmm... Minty!

MINTYFRESH
SATURDAY, OCTOBER 8 at 8pm

LAUGH FACTORY - TIMES SQUARE
303 W. 42nd Street at 8th Ave

ONLY $5!

Check out this hot lineup:

Michelle Buteau (Premium Blend)
Carolyn Castiglia (yeah, me)
Shawn Hollenbach (Caroline's)
Matt McCarthy (Laugh Lounge)
Laura Mannino (Comedy Cellar)
Kevin Murphy (Gotham)
Jenny Rubin (Galapagos)

Hosted by Theron Steiner (Freedumb at The PIT and Juvie Hall)