Did I speak too soon?

Just found out Bex Schwartz's friend Mark Treitel's pilot "The Sperm Donor" is one of two finalists on Bravo's Situation Comedy. I tried to watch the whole pilot at AOL, but it took over 20 minutes to download the first 5 minutes of the episode (and we just got Road Runner - can you imagine what my life was like on dial up?). What I did see looked interesting: a mother of a thirteen year old girl calls her sperm donor and proposes that he take on an active father's role. Maybe "I Want Your Baby - and Nothing More - for the First Thirteen Years, Anyway" is a better title?...

Sweet

With Allison and Ophira last night at their show. It was great - the place was packed and everyone had a good time. My buddy Baron went up - along with some cool peeps I hadn't met yet like Roger Hailes and David Hodorowski.

Sweet Paprika

Come see me in Sweet Paprika tonight! 8:30 pm at The Village Lantern. It's awesome. Click the title of this post to check out their site! It's run by Ophira Eisenberg and Allison Castillo who are both great comics and they always have the best people in their room. Plus, you can lay on a couch and be entertained at the same time! It'll be like you never left home! Except, take a shower first, okay?

Government Cheese

Well, I'm off the temp rolls again, kids, and hopefully back on the government cheese. You know that big, 20 pound hunk of low-grade Velveeta they used to give people in a cardboard box? My grandmother used to get that every month as a part of her pension. Cheese. "Thanks for 20 years worth of factory work, Helen. We know you left 5th grade during the depression and sacrificed your life to work so your parents could raise your siblings, so we thought you'd enjoy this big-ass hunk of cheese! Or, cheas, as you spell it. Come on, it's orange! Doesn't that make you wanna smile?..."

I have to go plead for Big Brother's forgiveness since I missed my unemployment meeting - while I was temping. See, when you're on unemployment you have to show up in person and be counseled on how to get a job in order to be eligible for unemployment. Because, the premise is, of course, that you are READY, WILLING and ABLE to work - but that you are unable to FIND work for yourself. Which, frankly, is ridiculous, because as we all know, there is work out there for anyone who wants it. If you can't find work - you're not looking hard enough. Now, whether it's work you want to do or not is another question. I don't want to temp, but I've done it for years because it pays the bills - sort of. It pays for me to take cabs to work because I'm exhausted from doing shows every night and working all day and it pays for me to eat a fancy Cucina lunch because I'm too tired/lazy to make my own lunch in the morning so by the time you take away that extra money it's not really anything more than you'd make on unemployment, but hey... it's great for blogging.

Anyway - what really pisses me off here is this: it's not that I even want to be on unemployment right now per se. I want to not work, sure - and if I was like any other average American citizen, I'd have some kind of frigin' MATERNITY LEAVE to support me in that. Or, if I was living my dream life, my craft would be supporting me. (Or Kraft would be supporting me - whatever. I'd do a Parkay commercial at this point. Do they even make that shit anymore? If I could get WIC maybe I could find out.) But because I don't have maternity leave and I'm not Catherine Zeta-Jones (though people mistake me for her all the time!) - I have to take unemployment because I can't survive financially without it. (Or with it - but I can kinda rob Peter to pay Paul and keep Peter at bay with a blow job here and there.)

Note: I do not give blow jobs to keep people - especially Peter - "at bay." This is merely a comic device - a metaphor, if you will. Maybe if I could pay off my entire Providian balance with one - but not just as a monthly payment, okay?

Now, what sucks is that I don't technically meet the requirements for unemployment (though I maintain that no one really does and I've been working since I was 14 so f*ck it) because I could get work through the temp agency (at least through the August vacation season), but at 8 months pregnant I can't physically do it anymore. And since it's a physical issue, you'd think I could file for DISABILITY - but pregnancy is not a disability. (At least not according to the government. And though I am still quite limber, if you could see how swollen my feet are, you'd think I was a cripple, too. Or a tree trunk. I get both.)

So where do I go, folks? I can't get welfare or WIC because I'm not single yet my husband doesn't even make close to enough money to support us AND because he's a hip modern Dad - he's taking sabbatical to be with the baby for a year and thus is going to make half of what he already does! So. Where does that leave us? It leaves me at the whim of The Man as to whether or not he wants to help me survive while I eke out a living in comedy/writing. If I'm lucky, I have six months to make it all happen. Lights, camera, ACTION!

I've gotta think of an angle. A gimmick! Maybe I should do a reality show about breast feeding called "Suck It?" Or a Martha Stewart/Iron Chef-esque show where contestants come up with new ways to use various household products in baby care called, "Coffee Filter Diapermatch?" Or a makeover show for new moms called, "What Not to Wear - if you don't wanna get tit spooge, drool or poop on it?"

You know, I was just thinking... what if you qualify for WIC but you're lactose intolerant? What are you gonna do with all that butter, milk and cheese? Do you think they'd let you buy soy? Or would they have to call that program SWIC?

I better go. All this talk of dairy products is making me hungry. Big hunk of orange crap - here I come!

You're a STAR, Baby!

Chicks got a star in this week's Time Out! And why not? Look at this amazing line-up:

Ophira Eisenberg (Premium Blend, Sweet Paprika) Hosts:

Susie Felber (Conan, US Weekly)
Erin Foley (Premium Blend, AOL's "I Smell Cake" commercial)
Karith Foster (Premium Blend, Comic Strip)
Catie Lazarus (Invite Them Up, Gotham)
Leighann Lord (Premium Blend, VH1)
Susannah "Goddess" Perlman (Nice Jewish Girls Gone Bad, Sweet)

See, I'm not even on the lineup and I'm still hawking the show. Why? Cuz I produce it. AND CUZ IT'S FLIPPING AWESOME!

You should go. Seriously. It's GD FREE!

And AWESOME! Did I mention it was awesome? It's awesome.

Tuesday, August 23 at 8:30 pm
Raga - 433 East 6th Street (1st/A)
FRAWESOME! (Free and awesome.)

Temping: It's to Godiva For

You guys - I just got the best gift ever. The boss on the desk I'm working on just gave me a box of Godiva chocolate all wrapped up in a bow in a nice bag and everything with a card that says:

"Carolyn: Thank you for doing an incredible job for me during the last two weeks and keeping your sense of humor."

Are you kidding me? That is so sweet! Now isn't that karma? After the two-week saga with Office Preggers (she asked me in the hallway this morning the second I walked in to get her a car at 1:30, by the way - I hadn't even sat down yet) this chocolate is so well deserved!

It reminds me of my good friend Laura K. over at "the bank" who got me Godiva when I left (the first time.) And my old boss from (sounds like Horan Hanley) actually got me a Tiffany bracelet when I left - I had been there for 9 months and covered for her while she was on maternity. And now I'm going on "maternity" - if the Unemployment office forgives me for missing my appointment, that is. What can I say? I was temping...

Just Do It, My Ass!

When I did The Social Wednesday night, I was talking about how I plan to start my own religion because I can't seem to find an existing religion I want to raise my child with. I've been thinking about it pretty seriously, and I've decided to become the founder of Assism - a faith in which believers worship the fine human behind. (Luckily God has blessed me with my very own church.) It's nice and large so it can* seat** a lot of parishioners - partially thanks to the corporate sponsorship I've received from Applebee's and Taco Bell. I mean, who doesn't want to attend a mass where instead of crackers we eat Chalupas? Hello?!

*Can?

**Seat?

Are you kidding me? Brilliant! I'm such a punderful writer...

The Assism Mass (or Massism, for short) plans were coming along well - enter church, offer each other the ass slap of peace, eat Chalupa... but I knew if this was going to be a serious faith I needed to find a creed. Flipping through Glamour magazine the other day while on the John (Matthew, Mark and Luke were tied up - literally - they like it kinky - who knew?) I found it! Our creed. The Catholics have the Nicene, and Assism has this Nike Ad:

I think you'll find it that it really cuts to the core of my beliefs:

My butt is big

And round like the letter C

And ten thousand lunges

Have made it rounder

But not smaller

And that's just fine.

It's a space heater

For my side of the bed

It's my ambassador

To those who walk behind me

It's a border collie

That herds skinny women

Away from the best deals

At clothing sales.

My butt is big

And that's just fine

And those who might scorn it

Are invited to kiss it.

Amen.

Now, to be fair, in the Nike Ad, it says "Just Do It" instead of "Amen." But I feel that "Just Do It" is a little too forceful. Assism is about one's personal desire to love the butt - not some dogma that you have to follow because the thought of some dude who died millennia ago makes you feel guilty about it. (I think you all know who I'm talking about - and let's face it - his ass was kinda flat.) Now, I'm not saying that the Flat Butts of the world can't get into heaven - it's just that they might have to work a little harder - that's all. That's why we offer purgatory training camp!

"I'm Hanz and I'm Franz - and we want to PLUMP (clap!) YOU UP!"

Who knew I'd be starting a religion with Dana Carvey and Kevin Nealon? If somebody would have told me that 20 years ago, I'd have thought, "Who are they?" (I was only 8 and they didn't start on the show til I was 10.) Oh, comedy! You unpredictable lover! Thanks to you, I can raise my child right!

Shouts go out to Jen Dziura for sending me the Salon.com article and thus the Nike screen shot and The SNL Archives which is a way better website about the show than the official NBC version.

Celebrity Sighting #92

It's been a while since I've seen a real-life celebrity walking down the New York City streets... but guess who I saw last night my friends?!

DREW GODDAMN BARRYMORE.

It was shocking - not because it was Drew Barrymore - but because she was so down to earth, just walking down the street blabbing in that unmistakable voice of hers to her 2 guy friends (one of whom I think was her boyfriend, Fab, but I'm no Strokes fan* so don't quote me on that) saying, "Oh my God, can we please go there - I heard that place was so great!" And guess where I was...

You guys: The Meatpacking District?

Me: Nope.

You guys: SoHo House?

Me: Duh...

You guys: Some party?

Me: Forget it. You suck at this. Let me just tell you. (Pause for effect.) Cooper between 6th and 7th. Ha! That's practically the Astor Place KMart! Man.

You guys: Wow. What was she wearing?

Me: Well, first of all, she looked great - simple makeup, dirty blond hair - so skinny! She was wearing jeans and an army jacket and a clip in her hair with some lip gloss. That's it. She looked a lot taller than I thought she'd be - so maybe she had heels on. I just couldn't get over how unchunky her legs were! I was impressed.

Drew, if you're reading this (and I know you are) the running is totally working, babe! Good for you. Not that I didn't like you chunky, cuz I did, but I'm glad you're doing Hollywood your way. You are soooo New York.

*Not because I don't like their music, but because I've never heard their music. My musical adventure ended with Sarah MacLachlan and the Barenaked Ladies. I'm so not hip, I'm hip!

I Know it's Wrong to Want to Kill a Pregnant Lady, But...

Office Preggers is at it again. Every time this frigin' woman opens her mouth it's a disaster.

OP: "Can you get me an envelope like this?" (Holds up big padded yellow envelope.)

CKC: "Sure, she might have one actually. Here." (Handing her big padded yellow envelope.)

OP: "Yeah - it might not be big enough."

CKC: (internal monologue) It's the same size.......

OP: "If it doesn't fit will you go get one from the supply closet?"

CKC: (internal monologue) You mean the one you're actually standing closer to than I am right now? Yeah.

CKC: "Yeah, but do you want to see if it fits first?"

OP: "Yeah. And then if it doesn't you can go get me one from the supply closet."

CKC: (internal monologue) Right. Cuz - that's - what - we -- just -- discussed.

OP gets up, starts waddling even closer to the supply closet - waddling way more than CKC does even though she's not even close to as PG - receives compliment from some random IB guy - says, "Thaaaaaaank You" and waddles back to her desk.

(Pause action for three minutes while CKC writes blog post and OP writes out envelope. And - ACTION!)

OP: "This needs to be FedExed." (Hands CKC package.)

CKC: "Oh. It needs to be FedExed?"

OP: "Yeah. You know how to do it when it goes overnight? You fill out a form?..."

CKC: "No, of course I know how to do it, it's just that I have to put it in another package now."

OP: "Oh."

(Pause.)

OP: "Is it still called FedEx when it goes International?"

CKC: "Yeah. It's called FedEx International."

OP: "Oh." (walks away)

CKC: (internal monologue) Wow. Bitchy and helpless. My favorite combination of condescension. Your red hair looks fake and brings out your wrinkles. And even though I hate you, I now feel sorry for you, so, I win.

CKC smiles intelligent and devilish grin and goes back to typing. AND - SCENE!

On second thought, maybe the Care Bears card was a request for a new bottle of Feria?

Girls Just Wanna Have Fun

And boys do, too! So come one, come all to Chicks and Giggles tonight! (We love having balls in the house. Well, more than the ones we come with. You know, the real kind...)

Check out this lineup:

Desiree Burch (SMUT)
Allison Castillo (Premium Blend)
Ophira Eisenberg (Premium Blend)
Amanda Melson (Sara Schaefer Is Obsessed With You)
Giulia Rozzi (co-producer, Brutal Honesty)
Becky Yamamoto (Welcome to Our Week)

Hosted by our very own Carolyn Castiglia

Um, if you want more, click the graphic, sucka!

I got rid of the letter...

I know you guys were worried this weekend about whether or not I mailed Office Preggers kid's letter. I'm sorry that I had to keep you in suspense. But I just couldn't let it go yet, you know? I just had to hold onto the pain for another minute and then when I finally released it, it felt so great. I hope you didn't lose sleep over it or miss a night out because of it because then I would feel kinda bad. I mailed it on Saturday. But not myself. My friend Paul took it on our way to rehearsal and said he'd mail it. I feel okay about this. I don't want to worry whether or not he dropped it in the box, you know? I mean, when he saw that Care Bears logo through the thin white envelope he shot me that look that says, "Carolyn, how could you?" And then he said, "Should we open it?" (That's why I love gay guys.) But, we didn't. We did the right thing. Well, he did. I feel proud cuz now I have good karma. And sad cuz I wish I knew where the birthday party was gonna be so I could crash it and tell all the kids there's no Santa Claus! Mwah ha ha ha ha ha!

Maybe it wasn't a birthday invite. It could have been a thank you card. It could have been a birthday card for someone else. It could have been a discreet cover for drug money being funnelled to Columbia - I don't know?! Oh my God, what if I unknowingly contributed to terrorism by letting Paul deliver that letter?! What if now some really cute 7 year old kid who doesn't have a psychotic bitch for a mom gets hit in a drive by shooting because Office Preggers had me pay for her coke?! Oh shit! You see - I SHOULD NEVER HAVE BEEN INVOLVED.

I have to go try to scrub this blood of my hands now...... WILL THEY EVER COME CLEAN AGAIN?!... I'm not sure I can live with myself. Now I'm not sure I can even go to the bathroom. What if I start having flashbacks to the original handoff? Aaaaahhhhhhh!

I think there's only one lesson in this, kids, and I want you to listen good: HUGS, NOT DRUGS. How ironic! Care Bears love hugs...

Will McKinley is Previously Owned

Just found out fellow clown Will McKinley has a blog! I used to run into Will all the time when I first started, then I did his 8:00 show, then I didn't see him for a while and now it's like we're siamese twins. (We see each other all the time, but only out of one eye.)

Anyway - I'm linking you now, McKinley.

Don't worry, my husband was previously owned, too, and he rides like a dream.

OMG: Get Ready for This!

Okay. So I'm in the bathroom getting ready for my audition, changing into my white trash outfit and putting makeup on at the sink, when who but Office Preggers comes up to me - IN THE BATHROOM - hands me an envelope and says, "Yeah, can you mail this for me?" Um, IN THE BATHROOM?! Ever hear of the outbox, bitch?! I am not your nanny, yo. So anyway, of course I said "Sure," cuz I was dumbfounded (and what else was I supposed to say?) and I figured what the hell, I'll just throw it in the mailbox while I'm out. Then she says, "Oh yeah, and when you get back, can I get 2 notebooks?" What? Like, send me a f*cking email, dude. So we proceed to have a brief convo about what size the notebooks should be and what style and when I finally get out of there, what do my wandering eyes see as I'm hailing a cab? Office Preggers crossing the street on her way to lunch! Are you kidding me?! MAIL IT YOURSELF! Oh, I'm sorry... did you want me to make three copies of it, stapled and colated for you? Jeezus!

The audition has come and gone by now (it was great, btw...) and I still have the letter in my bag. I feel like keeping it forever. But I can see through the envelope that it's a Care Bears card, so it's probably from her kid. God damn babies! Why do they have to be so cute? Now I have to mail this thing. Guess I'll walk over to the outbox now...

New Yorkers are the Best!

For those of you who've been reading all along, you know that I occasionally like to write letters to people I come in contact with on the subway. Here are some from last night:

To the 26 year old blond guy in the red and white striped button down shirt wearing those ridiculous black Ray-Bans, inside:

You definitely deserved that seat more than I did. I mean, I'm 7 months pregnant and temping and busting my balls doing shows at night, but you're Ronald McDonald, and that's hard.

;) ckc
____________________________________________________________

To the slightly full-figured chick the same age as me with crinkly blond hair listening to her iPod:

Thanks for offering me your seat out of guilt after we had gone 4 stops, but you were too late and now you have to live with it.

p.s. - I could totally see your boobs while I was glaring down at you in disgust. You might want to cover up the cleavage a bit. Just sayin'!

;) ckc
____________________________________________________________

To the middle-aged business man in the Navy Blue suit who sat down right under my ass when the first seat became available:

You are a dick. Do you own stock in Assholio, Co.? Cuz based on yesterday's train ride, it's goin' up.

Love,
Carolyn

p.s. - I hate you all.

This kind of made me laugh...

Maybe I should go back to church?...

Answer: Bad for the soul, great for blogging.

What is temping, Alex?

Correct!

I'll take Demeaning Jobs for $400.

Okay. Answer: An activity that makes shovelling shit look like a dream job.

What is making copies, Alex?
Correct!

Alright! I'll take Demeaning Jobs for $1000.
Oh! The Daily Double! Answer: Worse than the worst grosser than gross joke ever told come to life times 3 multiplied by 9.

What is handing a fellow pregnant woman the copies you made for her while she is talking to someone else and doesn't even attempt to say Thank You or at least look up and acknowledge your existence but just holds her arm out like a drone and practically shoos you away?

CORRECT! You win $2000 of fake money which you will eventually lose to the 21 year-old intern in the oversized tie who can barely stammer out that he needs three copies of each sheet collated and stapled even though he is getting an Ivy League education and will in a few years have garnered - for taking people out to lunch and making phone calls - a huge bank roll, a monster house and a bitchy wife who he will cheat on while she stays home and "takes care of the kids" (a.k.a. does yoga) while the illegal nanny does all the work so the Mrs. can go shopping for her 3 year old who needs new $80 matchy-matchy Daddy and Me swim trunks from Vilebrequin since the last pair got lost on the trip to Saint-Tropez.

Wow. Sounds... great.
You think that's great? Imagine what you can win in the final Jeopardy round!

I hope it's Ginsu knives, Alex. Ginsu...
*Editor's Note: It's only 9:07 am.

Titilating Taxi Ride?

Okay, so, now that I'm temping again (j-zump for j-zolly j-zoy!) I am able to read all my favorite blogs on the hour every hour since (regrettably) I'm awake during the day for more hours than not. I came across this piece by my lady friend, RKB and just had to jump to her defense. But first, her blog entry:

Friday, August 05, 2005
omg! People mess around in taxis? Really? WTF? That's CRAAAAZY!

Not even gonna comment because what F*CKING reason would I have to make shit up? Well, anyway, I know it's super super hard to believe, but--wait for it--I really made out in a taxi. CRAZY and hard to believe I know. In my inbox re: this week's column on taxicab hookups:

i just wanted you to know that i have been driving a taxi for 33 years and i know and you know that you made up the story in the village voice. you also know that taxicab confession thing was banned from new york city streets by the taxi commission because it was making up its stories and giving passengers who did not play along a hard time. on the other hand, i am thrilled that the schmucks at the village voice actually believed you and i hope they paid you some money.

Okay - this cab driver is either a total douche bag or hasn't been driving as long as he says or both. Last summer - twice in the span of one week (I must have looked really hot and/or gotten drivers with chubby fetishes) - I had 2 different drivers tell me all about people having sex in their cars. One driver kept going on and on, "Oh yes, the girls say things like, 'Drive fast over the bumps and then slam your breaks on hard. That gets me off.' So, are you married?"

Then he started asking me, "How do you kiss your husband? Hard? Soft? My wife won't let me kiss her on the mouth. (I wonder why?) You know what it says in the Kama Sutra? That you should punch your wife before you kiss her so she will be good and mad at you." Thank God we got to my stop before he got to 69... This was the same summer that I had a driver - while I was in the back seat - PEE IN A DUNKIN DONUTS COFFEE CUP AND THEN THROW IT OUT THE WINDOW - IN MIDTOWN! Needless to say, I now believe anything can and does happen in that workhorse of New York, the yellow cab. Rest assured, cabbie - I'm sure Rachel was making out - not making it up.

And 1 for Wednesday...

I will be hosting The Social this Wednesday at Sin Sin - 9 pm - FREE! Good times always abound at this original show in the East Village. Stand-up, games, prizes (free booze!), the Social Commentary... where does the fun end?! Click the title of this post to check out the show's awesome website!