Super Supreme

I like that title a lot because not only does it describe the show I did last night, it also makes me think of pizza. Mmmm! I LOVE PIZZA! (Can you tell I'm starving? We're practically on WIC and my husband eats the last two pieces of bread - WTF?) Anyway.......

Becky and Claudia's Supreme Offering was just that! I had the best time out at the Graham Lounge. The bar was really cool, the crowd was small but great, and I saw two comics I'd never seen before who were really hilarious - Eric Deskin and Eric Kirchberger. Eric D. said he does the road a lot and I know Eric K. was just on a drug commercial of some kind... not like heroin drugs - Advil or something like that. Anyway - Eric K.'s beached whale bit killed me and Eric D.'s same-sex marriage run was great. It culminated in a bit about straight guys going gay because of the insurance, ending with "Daddy needs a cavity filled," and I so apprecaited the double entendre. You should definitely check the show out if you get a chance! Every 2nd and 4th Wednesday of the month. Rock on, ladies........

Thank God her mommy is getting married!

That way maybe she'll have a kid and leave this poor dog alone! Remember Lily? I know this picture is a little blurry, but I swear to god this dog is wearing blush. She most certainly is wearing a sweatshirt and has her hair in a ponytail - I think this was taken the day she remade Oliva Newton John's "Let's Get Physical" video. You go, grrl...

Give Peace a Chance?

I have no idea what I'm doing in this picture but it looks like it hurts. I hosted another fantastic Chicks and Giggles last night - click the link to see some pictures of all the fabulous ladies who performed! The show is every week now, so stop on by! Tuesdays at 8:30 at Raga!

Last Two Shows in July!

Come one, come all...

Chicks and Giggles
Tuesday, July 26 at 8:30
Raga - 433 East 6th between 1st and A
FREE!

Awesome lineup, including Leighann Lord from Comedy Central, The View, VH1, Yo Mama, etc.


Becky and Claudia's Supreme Offering
Wednesday, July 27 at 8:00
Graham Lounge - 312 Graham Ave. between Ainslie and Devoe in Billyburg
FREE!

Claudia was called "refreshingly hilarious" in this week's TONY. I was called "hilariously refreshing" by this chick who came to see me in the Social last week. It's like Miller Lite: Refreshing? Hilarious? YOU DECIDE.

FATSPA

My Renee Zellweger impression for the FATSPA sketch I wrote for last night's Social. (Thanks to Katina for the wig!) That's Ms. Zell-WIG-er to you, son...

God Save the Queen!

You guys - I won the UK National Lottery! Can you believe it? I can't, since I've never played the UK National Lottery, but still... Good things come to those who wait, huh? Here's the WINNING NOTIFICATION I got in my email this morning:

British Lottery Headquarters:
Customer Service
28 TANFIELD ROAD,
CROYDON.LONDON

WINNING NOTIFICATION

We happily announce to you the draw of the British Lottery International programs held on the 20th of July 2005 in London. Your e-mail address drew the lucky numbers: 31-6-26-13-35-7, which
subsequently won you the lottery in the 2nd category.

What's so amazing is that these numbers have so much significance to me. Like 31, that's Halloween, October 31st. I LOVE HALLOWEEN! And 6, well, that's how old my niece was last year, and guess what? I LOVE HER, TOO! I was 26 a few years ago, and 13 exactly half a life before that... when I met my husband he was 34 BUT THEN HE TURNED 35 - CAN YOU BELIEVE THESE COINCIDENCES???!!! And 7 - hello?! LUCKY NUMBER SEVEN? Uh, gamble much? Man - I am the luckiest person in THE WHOLE WORLD!

You have therefore been approved to claim a total sum of US $2,500,000.00 (Two million, five hundred thousand,
United States Dollars) in cash credited to file RPC/9080118308/04 made available from a total cash prize of US $125 Million dollars, shared amongst the first Fifty (50) lucky winners in this category.

Okay, I take that back. One of the 50 luckiest people in the whole world, but still.

Please note that your lucky winning number falls within our booklet representative office in Europe as indicated in our play coupon. In view of this, your US $2,500,000.00 (Two million, five hundred thousand, United States Dollars) would be released to you by our affiliate bank in London as soon as you establish contact.

Please be warned. To file for your claim, contact our fiduciary agent with the below details;

AGENT: Mr. Bill Morgan

Congratulations once more.

Faithfully,

Michael Ronin, Mr.

Zone Co-ordinator.

Oh, Michael Ronin, Mr., fear not. I am warned. WARNED THAT I WON 2 MILLION BUCKS! Yeah, baby! Forget what I said about trying to get a dolla for my baby's college - she's going to Cambridge AND Oxford now, biatch! Woo-hoo! Thanks Q.E. II - you ma dawg, dawg! You know what, you pick that nose, Tin Lizzie. Here, use one of my new Fitty Dolla Billz - I got more where that came from! I'M RICH, BIATCH!

Weird Days...

Dude, first I find out that an old friend (an old boss, actually) who I temped for at my first job in New York City saw me on the movie screen during the trailers at her nearby theatre in CT. I don't know what I was doing, but it must be something I filmed recently because she said, "You were huge, but you looked good!" (If anyone sees this randomness, please let me know what it is so I can try to get a dolla for my baby's college, ya hear?)

Then I get this random email from someone I don't know and I usually never open those but you know, it's been one of those weeks where old friends contact you out of the blue, so I figured what the hell. It says, "Carolyn, don't worry about all those neo-N*zi's that stormed your blog." (I don't even want to type it because I do not want to be Google-sociated with those crazy loons.) What? I'm half awake and freaking out, so I rush over to the blog and see nothing - Thank God. Maybe the email was in reference to the post I wrote a while back about that wacked out sister group from Cali? The group that sent the email is apparently out to end racism, but I don't trust it, so I didn't click their link. This computer sucks bad enough without getting a virus from some nutjob.

And speaking of tons of funky stuff happening, is it the heat or what? Man, people are ready to kill up here in Harlem! It's so GD hot and humid I feel like I'm living in a raindrop. Everyone stinks and hates each other. "Did you see that? She almost touched me!" "Well, did she touch you?" "No, but ALMOST! B*tch!" I looked at Mark the other day and said, "Is the world ending?" He said no, that I just needed to drink some more orange juice. That's how he solves everything. Broke? Drink some OJ. Upset? Drink some OJ! Evicted? Drink some OJ - at least then you'll have the strength to go and find a new place. He's gonna be such a good Dad. "Sweetie, I know your boyfriend just broke up with you and you gave him your virginity because you thought you were going to marry him and right now all you can see before you is darkness but I'm telling you that's because you have not had your orange juice yet! Now, come on - drink up!"

Oh, I could go on about summer rage and randomness, but it's still early and I want today to be a good day, so I better just go drink my orange juice. Talk to you later, tater.

The Social Monthly Show at the Slipper Room - TUESDAY at 8!

Come check out the Social's Monthly Show at the Slipper Room - 167 Orchard Street - take the F to 2nd Ave., exit on the 1st Ave. side, walk two blocks East on Houston to Orchard, make a right - it's 2 blocks down on the right. (Tiny, tiny blocks for a BIG, BIG show!)

This installment features me doing Entertainment News and one of my favorite celebrity impressions, Cooking with Bono, Smurfs and much, much more!

Tuesday, July 19 @ 8 pm! $10. FUN!

Vive La France!

This past Wednesday, July 13 we did a Bastille Day show at the Social called L'Experiment Sociale. I hosted as my fralter ego (French alter ego) Chantal de Bouvier le Grand! It was a bread and cheese filled blast. Producer Tasha Space said, "It was so good it has inspired us to add a new segment to our Monthly Show - International segment." Yay! I feel honored.

The Social shows are always great, so if you want to sign up for the mailing list, click the title of this post. They just started sending out a great newsletter. And you know I love me some newsletters! Hope to see you tomorrow...

This is my friend Pete.

Remember Pete? From Hell on Earth? Or do you remember him from THE BEDROOM WORKOUT FOR MEN? Hmm? I'm not quite sure why they didn't call it THE BEDROOM WORKOUT FOR MEN WHO LIKE TO GET IT ON WITH ALIEN LADIES because that chick is one scary lookin' babe. I think they photo-shopped Britney's face onto someone else's hair and body... Click the title of the post to buy the video. I know you want to! Don't lie. You like to lay alien-chicks. It's cool. ACCEPT YOURSELF, DAMMIT!

But wait - there's more bodybuilding where this comes from. Hang on! (Oh, the men in my life...)

And this douche is an author!

This is Scott, who wrote the play I'm in called Anathemaville. I know, I know, you're saying to yourself, "There's no way this brainless chunk-o-muscle is a PLAYWRIGHT, Carolyn." Oh, yes, my friends. And a damn amazing one at that! But when your plays are 800 pages long, your biceps get pretty ripped cartin' that shit around! More on Anathemaville later this week! Must not blow my blogging wad! To see more pictures of this uber-cutie, click the title of the post to go buy HIS workout video! Oh my God...

13 Going on Hilarious

Just wanted to give a shout out to everyone who came to see and performed in Mortified last night! The cast was fantastic - here are your mad props in order of appearance:

Giulia Rozzi - Producer and performer extraordinaire! You go with your Wigger-hating self! I almost died when you said that. (13 year old Giulia also hated sluts and losers. Not geeks. LOSERS.) Like people with blogs...

Sara Schaefer - I can't believe Aunt Dolly got more attention than you! At least you had your Michael W. Smith tapes to turn to. Jesus is one hot babe! "You can get (almost) everything in the Christian version!" Awesome.

Boni Joi - YOU leave HIM, girl! Your poems were fantastic, but the song kicked it over the edge. You rock!

Liam McEneaney - has big balls! Liam told jokes he wrote when he was 17. Yakov would be so proud! Here's to you riding the 4 Horses of the Apocalypse into the sunset of HBO success! "I was so pissed my parents abandoned me - in New Jersey!" HA!

Rachel Max - That was the tiniest diary I have ever seen - hilarious! I love that you had 19 crushes when you were 12. Too bad you and Marisa couldn't stay friends. "I will have a heart attack." Priceless.

Abby Sher - Oh my God! Abby's letters from camp were not only totally hysterical but also soul-crushingly sad. I can't believe Bunk E - what bitches! Did the dog ever write you back? Too much! Great.

Shawn Hollenbach - my baby! You are so damn funny it hurts. Shawn wrote a parody of 'Twas the Night Before Christmas called 'Twas the Night Before New Year's with more Spuds MacKenzie references than the original Bud campaign! "On Odie, on Benji!" That was the best.

Anne Woodward - And, to close the show, continuing with the dog theme, Anne read her creative journal from 3rd grade (!) all about different breeds of dogs, most of which had "floppy, hanging ears." Fantastically, in the middle of her journal, she told her teacher she was not going to title every post from then on - just some. Amazing!

If you haven't seen the show yet - you must! It is always a good time and well worth the cheap ticket price! Click the title of this post to go to Mortified's site!

What a pair!

This is my Aunt Kathy and her new husband Gary. Don't they look happy? They are just too cute. (I did her hair and she's wearing my necklace, thank you very much.) They had a nice small wedding and a really fun reception at which I was forced to go around to all the tables and tell jokes... Gary's youngest daughter broke her glasses laughing and one of my Aunt's drunk teacher friends almost peed her pants. What can I say? I love the crowd work...

La Vie en Chocolate Rose

My Dad. He's so proper. Good thing he put his falsies in good that day!

Click here for Rachel Kramer Bussel's Village Voice Column on Comic Sex

Are you a voyeur who likes to chuckle? Read about some friends and strangers in the comedy world who talk about how being funny affects their sex.

Options I considered using in the title of this post besides "Comic Sex:"

Silly Screwing
Comical Coitus
Laughable Lust
Hilarious Humping
Rowdy Romps
Boisterous Bangs
Funny F*cks

Me, I have Married Missionary, which is probably why I did not get interviewed. Enjoy!

I wish that I had (the old man who wishes he had) Jesse's Girl

Just saw Rick Springfield perform Jesse's Girl on Regis and Kelly and I TOTALLY WANTED HIM! Is that disgusting? (I mean the fact that I was watching Regis and Kelly?...) Actually, screw it. I have no shame on both counts. I'm not gonna not want that old man just because that song came out when I was 5... I mean, look at those frigin' biceps?! They made me think that I may still want to do my husband when he gets old... er. And as far as R&K goes, if you are an avid reader you already know Regis and I have a relationship, and I'm not gonna hate that biatch Kelly just because she's cute and on 19 TV shows - she's got 800 kids! You go, girl! I think she's funny. I think Amy Poehler doing her is funnier, but still, she's awight.

I wish that I had Jesse's Girl - on 8 Track. That sh*t was the bomb. I used to have Alvin and the Chipmunks Christmas on 8 Track, dawg! What happened? 1981...

To quote Edith Bunker, "Those were the days."

And speaking of nostalgia, my Aunt Kathy made some amazing slideshows of those years that she gave me on CD this weekend. I will have to post some babby pics! But first, pics of the wedding. Because I am slowly getting my fan base used to having every nook and cranny of my life exposed on film. E! True Hollywood Story here I come!

HELL ON EARTH

No, I'm not talking about my life. I'm talking about this movie my friend Pete is in. He's a Horror Queen - you may have seen him on Bravo's Top 100 Horror Movies of All Time? They aired it on Halloween. Pete is awesome. He is also in a "real" movie coming up called "Shortbus" by John Cameron Mitchell. Pete and I go way back. Back to throwing red pop in the Oswego River. He will probably get famous before me, but I'm okay with that. IT'S ALL ABOUT THE STRUGGLE, MUTHA FLUCKAS!

HELL ON EARTH is a hybrid of Evil Dead, Demon Knight, and From Dusk till Dawn, using the classic theme of humans fighting their way out of an impossible situation. Of course this “impossible situation” just happens to be infested with all sorts of monsters, demons, and undead creatures.

Seventeen year old Bobby, walks with the help of metal leg braces and lives with his nasty parents and repulsive sister, Peggy. He plays with “imaginary friends” provided by the mysterious and ancient “Apocryphal Book of Tarkuhm” provided by his eccentric and somewhat crazy Aunt Sadie.

What he does not know is that the monsters and demons are only biding their time until the planets are aligned and they can get him to read the passage freeing their master from the “Hell” of another universe.

As this process begins more and more bizarre creatures breach the portal of this world and magically seal everyone in the house including Bobby, his parents, Peggy, her partying friends, and the mysterious Aunt Sadie.

Things get nasty as one by one the inhabitants of the house fall prey to the ever increasing hoard of pustular monstrosities. Who will survive? Who will discover the way to destroy these strange creatures and save the Earth?

WILL IT BE PETE?! TUNE IN TO FIND OUT!

By the way, if Aunt Sadie were Aunt Kathy and the imaginary friends were named Fifi and Lulu, this would be the story of my childhood.

Dude, I'm getting a Dell...

Yo, mofos. With the amount of money I have spent at Kinko's today alone, I could have made my first monthly payment on my very own Dell PC! That shit is not right! This biatch is only $14/month! I AM GONNA MAKE YOU MINE, ME DELL, MA BELLE!

I am in Kinko's at 11 pm. What is wrong with me?... I hope my credit lasts long enough for me to update my website! Ha!

The parents-to-be at Lake Ontario

Man, from the boobs up, I look good!

Happy Family

Except my dad, who is vaguely confused/impatient/bored. Not a bad day for the old man, who turned 61 on the 6th! How 'bout that visor on my mother, huh? And you thought there were no fashonistas north of the Westchester line...

Happy 7th of July!

Hey kids! How was everyone's 4th? I trust happy and hog dog filled? I had a lovely weekend at home with my parents and niece and would love to show you some pictures but my computer sucks penis butter and jelly sandwiches, so it probably won't happen. However, that doesn't mean I can't share with you some fantastic jokes I wrote about what's been going on in the world of Entertainment News, huh? Here goes!

According to US Weekly, in one of the 4 must-see moments in the new reality show Being Bobby Brown, Bobby applies hemorrhoid cream to his eyes, claiming it reduces puffiness. Proving at last that hemorrhoid cream works for more than one type of crack problem.

And speaking of drugs, Scarlett Johansson doesn’t think Tom Cruise’s rants about anti-depressants have hurt his image at all. She says, “Stardust sprinkles out of him when he walks.” That’s not because he’s talented, sweetie. That’s because he’s a fairy.

Nonetheless, Cruise proposed to gal pal Katie Holmes on June 17. When asked why he popped the question at the Eiffel Tower, Cruise said, “I figured this was the last time I’d get this close to a huge phallis for a while.”

In music news, sales of Alanis Morrissette’s Jagged Little Pill Accoustic 10th Anniversary Edition have been less than stellar, slowing plans for a 20th Anniversary Spoken Word version of the disc. Other album remakes being held back as a result include “Bell Biv Devoe Folk You Up” and "Color Me Badd Goes Baroque."

In related local news, New York City comedian Carolyn Castiglia has inspired the Commodores to release a new version of their hit single, “She’s a Brick House” now titled, “She’s a Warehouse.” New lyrics include:

36-54-46
She’s the one – the only one
Who looks like a Papa John’s
Yes she’s a Ware – HOUSE!

Carolyn is reportedly flattered that her figure is musically compared to a BJ’s Wholesale Club, but wants her fans to know her BJ’s are still full price.

The success of the re-release has prompted the folks over at Apple to commission a custom iPod in honor of the comic called the iPreg.

That’s the entertainment news for now – I’m Carolyn Castiglia – AND DON’T YOU FORGET IT!