Thursday, June 30, 2005
Wednesday, June 29, 2005
There I am hosting in my Candy Cane/Merry Maids outfit! Ah, to be pregnant forever... my boobs look great... my belly makes my legs look like they're actually proportionate to the rest of my body... I'm gonna have post-partum for my body image - not because the baby's out! Oh well. Bitch about that, Tom Cruise! I dare you...
If you didn't know better, I could be on American Idol, right? Look at that hand position - I'm the next Carrie what's-her-face, right? Right?
Click the title of this post to see some of the other cute comics bein' cute.
Now, back to the show: it was so good! Everyone was hilarious and the audience survived despite the heat. We had two people from Denmark there who I hope enjoyed themselves - they seemed to - but I think the language was a bit of a barrier to them. I know it would be for me if I was in Denmark listening to "Steegen beegen farfalin doogun, ja? Ha ha ha ha ha ha!"
Translation: "It's crazy how those Americans think Denmark is Sweeden, yeah? Ha ha ha ha ha ha!"
I just want to say I feel very good about life right now. A little comedy, a little ice cream - what more does a girl need?! Except rent money and less cellulite - but hey, you can't have everything.
Okay - goodnight!
Tuesday, June 28, 2005
(Man, I don't think so.)
Here's your HOT HOT HOT lineup:
Carolyn Castiglia (Caroline's, Galapagos), hosts:
Leanna Conley (Stand-Up to Spoken Word, Combaret)
Eliza Faria-Santos (Laugh Factory, Brooklyn Comedy Company)
Rachael Parenta (Get Wood, $1 Room)
Goddess Perlman (Nice Jewish Girls Gone Bad, Sweet)
Tasha Space (co-produces The Social, Gotham)
Lianne Stokes (Brutal Honesty, Everyone Wins)
Fiona Walsh (Sundays at Seven, Great White American Teeth)
C&C Music Factory you there!
Monday, June 27, 2005
Gabriela LOVES American Girl dolls. In fact, after this weekend, she now has four of them. I personally hope my child stays as far away from dolls as possible. (Does anyone remember just playing outside? No toys, just yard? Sigh...) Here we are, Maria, Gabriela, Marisol and me eating at the American Girl Place Cafe. I had chicken fingers and mac-n-cheese. Yum. It was hard to duck the papparazzi there, being that it is the place to see and be seen, but they managed to only get away with a few shots. I'll post the rest shortly.
Here you can see my niece Gabriela and I rocking our pink chandelier earrings. Sure, we look beautiful in this picture (if I do say so myself) but this was taken the second we stepped out of the house. What you don't see is that within five minutes of our trek to the park and across it (headed toward the Natural History Museum) Gabriela had the earrings off, her pants rolled up and was soaking wet from walking through each and every sprinkler she could find. I kept the shades and earrings on, but my face sure did melt. And the bra straps got more and more obvious. And I took a bath in J'adore three times. Maybe I should have just gone in the sprinkler?...
Thursday, June 23, 2005
Oh! My house boy just came home with the groceries! Better go tend to my wifely duties since I re-organized the cupboards the other day and if anyone f*cks with them THEY WILL DIE BY MY KUNG FU DEATH CHOP!
I wonder if these are the things Martha writes in her journal...
Day 105 in the 'anklet.' All is going well, except someone, (I think it was that awful 'daughter' of mine) washed my gorgeous new wool poncho that my fellow inmate gave me in HOT water! It will now only fit a small child. Perhaps I should send it to Mary Kate Olsen. She might get cold this summer. No, it would probably be too big for her. I know Alexis is my spawn and all, but this kind of mistake is inexcusable. I think I'm going to have to call Victoria G. and have her 'sent on vacation.' Oh well. At least we got to know each other a bit first!
Still can't believe Michael got off scott free. He looks better in jewelry than I do. Maybe as a gag I should send him the anklet when I'm finished! Ah hah hah hah hah hah! At least that bastard Kozlowski is gonna fry in Attica! Don't drop the soap, Dennis! Oh! Maybe I should make him a non-slip organic oatmeal bar for good luck?... IDEAS, IDEAS!
Better get some sleep, then!
Wednesday, June 22, 2005
We've all heard those terrible stories about kids putting broken glass in hamburgers or guys jizzing off in the mashed potatoes (and yes, I know you are all sincerely thanking me for bringing this up right now) but seriously - some totally crazy shit does go down in the restaurant industry, and management approves it. Once when I worked at an establishment that shall remain nameless but rhymes with Schmapplebee's, one of the fry cooks dropped an entire order of mozzarella sticks on the floor and then threw it on a plate and said, "Here." I said, "There's no way I'm serving that, dude - that's disgusting. I won't even eat of my own floor and I clean that shit like a bitch on wheels!" So the manager came over and said, "She's right." But before I even got a chance to feel vindicated, he said, "Throw 'em back in the fryer for a minute to kill the germs and THEN plate it up."
I'm not auditioning for the movie. I have to work on my piece for tonight.
I bet every article you've ever read in a magazine has been written by someone in their underwear. Think about it.
But, seriously - how about some LUNCH, huh?!
Tuesday, June 21, 2005
I have to say, it is strange being home. I feel free, yet unproductive. Somehow the stress of the man watching over you makes you feel like you're doing more, yeah? Or am I just some kind of S&M freak who will only find her true self in a leather mask?* I don't know. What I do know is, making to do lists may be harder while you're sitting on your couch naked, but it is definitely more fun.
I think I am auditioning for a movie tomorrow. Hmm. I will let you know how it goes.
Watched the first half of the Phantom of the Opera last night. It sucked. Got a refund. Not because it sucked, but because it ended before we could finish it since TWC sucks poop and the movie wouldn't start the day we actually bought it. So much for "Videos on Demand." It's more like "Videos you can ask for politely like the plebeian scum you are that we will play whenever we feel like playing them for you, SH*TBALL!"
Went to a baby shower this weekend. Bought the parents some baby clothes. They were really cute. I think having a baby is going to be fun. Just sayin'. I am loving the baby blog if you want to check it out. It is cute and fluffy instead of mean and bitter like regular life sometimes. HEY! Somebody took her happy pills this morning!
*I know it's pride week this week and several of my readers may be donning their leather chaps and helmets as we speak, so please know that I mean "freak" in the best possible way, as in, "That is FREAKing awesome" or "Yo, man, Lance Armstrong is a FREAK on the bike," not, "The Elephant Man was a FREAKing FREAK who FREAKED people out."
Get your freak on.
This post is insane.
Can prenatal vitamins make you hyper? I feel like I could lift up a car right now.
Friday, June 17, 2005
Anyway - I do have a point here, so let me just get to it. I was reading the new issue of Bust on the train this morning, and they had a small article on this twin tween girl band called Prussian Blue, who are apparently a white supremacist folk duo in California. I couldn't even believe it when I read it and sat there with my jaw open catching flies, so I thought I'd google them just to be sure, and guess what? They are real, they do have a website (which is blocked as is anything related to the astonishing movement of "pro-white" music in California), and apparently they just played at a "festival" called "Folk the System" that supports their racist agenda. Are you kidding me? Are things like this really still happening in 2005? And these girls are 12 years old - they have been fed poison from their parents for the last 12 years enough to warp their little minds into performing about their racist agenda! I just can't believe it. I also can't believe Bust didn't do some more real investigative reporting about this "band" and the apparent "scene" in California - they just presented them in comparison to another sister act out of Seattle called "Smoosh," who are just two cute kids who play rock-n-roll. I am seriously shocked and outraged - I feel like maybe this is a good project for me to write about maybe for the Village Voice or something. I just can't believe it. And they're being billed as the next Olsen twins, by the way! Oh my God... I hardly think looking like a bag lady and fighting for the Aryan race are the same thing.
So anyway, kudos to "The Bank" for finally blocking something sensible. Now I can just sit open-jawed in front of my Excel spreadsheet instead of that crap.
Thursday, June 16, 2005
Speaking of pink... I didn't have anything to wear because my husband went away this week instead of doing the laundry... (Men!) so I stopped in the Gap right before the shoot and picked up the cutest pink tee for $4.30! Amazing! I still don't have a phone charger, but damn it I got me some new ruffles!
Alright kids - I gotta go. Mama is exhausted and needs a bleepin' nap. But there's no rest for the wicked - and I'm WICKED AWESOME! (And 14 years old, apparently.) Great.
p.s. - Forgot to mention that as we were leaving the set (Central Park) Michelle saw Darrell Hammond sitting at that little coffee shop right behind the statue in Columbus Circle, waved, he waved back at us since he figured we were actors and might have been people he knew, and she shouts, "Look at you tryin' to be all incognegro!" I swear to god it was the funniest thing I have ever seen in my life. His face was like, "Wha-huh?" He was dressed all in black (including a blazer) with black shades and a brand-new (and thus terribly dorky looking) Navy Blue Yankee Hat. Black and blue, Darrell? Please. Who do you think you are? Paris Hilton? YOWZA!
*Manufacturer not liable for damage due to scratching, chewing, tearing, puking or pooping on costume.
Wednesday, June 15, 2005
Michael Cyril Creighton & Galapagos Art Space Presents:
MCC (finally) Has His Way (with Women)
An Evening of Comedy to benefit The Nicole duFresne Memorial Scholarship Fund
Join us Saturday, June 18th at 7 p.m. at Galapagos - 70 N. 6th Street. Williamsburg, Brooklyn - for MCC (finally) Has His Way (with Women) an evening of alternative comedy, which will benefit the Nicole duFresne Memorial Fund at Emerson College. Doors Open at 6:30 pm.
Michael Cyril Creighton spent his childhood wearing bow ties, drinking pickle juice and memorizing all of Madeline Kahn's films line by line. Some people said, “Michael is a strange child.” Time has passed and MCC decided to ditch the bow ties, but he'll always have a fondness of funny women. On this night of comedy, MCC will be joined by some of his favorite funny femmes: Becky & Noelle (Inspecting the Bucket, Fringe NYC), Desiree Burch (SMUT), Pat Candaras (Grandmotherf***er), Michelle Collins (Votergasm.org, HEEB), Nancy Giles (CBS News Sunday Morning, China Beach), Rachael Parenta, Jennie Smith, and Becky Yamamoto as "Rosie Mc Davis."
Admission is $10.00 and the proceeds from this evening will be donated to The Emerson College Nicole duFresne Memorial Scholarship Fund. The Nicole duFresne Scholarship at Emerson College was established in February 2005. The College has received contributions from family, friends, classmates, Emerson alumni, acquaintances and people who never met Nicole.
The scholarship will be awarded annually to a socially conscious female with financial need who is studying acting and/or playwriting and demonstrates a passion for learning. Nicole will always be remembered and future generations of young women will also have the opportunity to develop, grow and find their voices at Emerson College.
p.s. - The last time I saw a woman in a full burqa I kind of couldn't help staring a bit. Not in an offended or offensive way; I'm just always so curious when I see one that I can't turn away. All you could see was this woman's eyes, and when she saw me looking at her she looked back and winked! I couldn't believe it! Was I getting hit on by a lesbian in a burqa? Or was she just letting me know my curiousity was okay? Either way, I'll never forget you, burqa-winker. You're etched into my memory like drama club is on my class ring - FOREVER!
I'm walking down the steps of the subway the other day, and there's this kid standing there, and I could tell he was kinda asking for money but I didn't hear him say anything as the three black kids ahead of me walked by, but then when I walked by he said, "Excuse me, Miss - can I get 20 cents?" Now granted, 20 cents is not a lot of money, but when you have 96 cents in your checking account it kind of is - especially since I thought it was so racist that he asked me just because I'm white. I mean, you can't just assume shit about people, you know? It's mutha flippin' hot outside and I could use a cool down but I would never walk by you and ask if you had any watermelon! You don't have watermelon - I don't have 20 cents! The stereotypes are broken down, my friends! LET'S JUST COME TOGETHER ALREADY!
Okay - I really had to say that. I would have told someone that already, but who am I gonna call?...
What if I told that kid I left my wallet in El Segundo? HA!
I left my charger in East Virginia.
I left my charger in East Virginia.
I left my charger in East Virginia.
I gotta get, I got-gotta get it.
So, my cell phone's dead. Not much new there. Either the battery is dead or my bill hasn't been paid, either way, my cell phone is pretty much a child's toy at this point. I mean, I can check my messages remotely, so that's good, but you know, it's just not the same. So, I went to pick up a new charger (for the third time) and I thought, "Oh, one of these places in Times Square will have one. Let me just see how much it costs." I knew it would be more than I'd pay in East Harlem, but everything is cheap in East Harlem - you can get breakfast for Fitty Cent in East Harlem - that's why I live there. Anyway, I walk into the store and the guy says $40. FORTY FRICKING BUCKS! I said, "No way dude, I can get that shit for way less in my neighborhood." So I stopped into the cell phone/jewelry store this morning and the guy says $8. E-I-G-H-T D-O-L-L-A-R-S! How is that kind of differential even possible?! The answer is my friends, in East Harlem, you can only pay with cash. Greenbacks. The hard dollar. George Washingtons. Sacagawea. Susan B. Anthony even - but not plastic credit. Since I only have $.96 left in my checking account, I'm still without a cell phone. But I'll have a charger by tomorrow. I got a friend who owes me some dough, so I'ma get me a charger and some chips. Cuz the deli don't take platinum either, son. Unless you take it off your tooth.
If it's something you can hold, your item will be sold.
No platinum card or gold, CASH ONLY'S what I'm told.
I left my charger in East Virginia.
I left my charger in East Virginia.
I left my charger in East Virginia.
I gotta get, I got-gotta get it.
Tuesday, June 14, 2005
"Oh! You're pregnant?"
I almost asked her if I could borrow her kid, but I figured that would be rude. He was pretty cute, but I'm not sure he'd make a good actor. He had a bit of a drooling problem. Only the really big stars can get away with that kind of shit, you know? I mean next thing you know he's gonna be pooping in his pants and then all hell's gonna break loose on the set. It's just not professional, dude. Seriously. Take that frigging thing out of your mouth and say your god damned lines, you know? My god... and I'm the one without a SAG card? Please.
Monday, June 13, 2005
My peeps and I rolled on down to the Eastern Shore of Virginia this weekend to do a one-night-only Social show. It was great. Michelle (center, in the blue Social tee) let us crash at her parents amazing mansion on a cliff above the Chesapeake Bay. It was unbelievable! (Okay, the house is not fully a mansion, but let me just say the kitchen was the same size as my apartment.) It was heaven. The audience loved us, even Allen (in the green tee top left) and Katina's (back row to my right) sketch "Wake Up White Trash," which we were a little nervous about seeming offensive. Apparently Virginians think Alabamans are trashy, too. That's the logo of the theatre we performed in on the left corner of the pic - a great little black box space with cabaret-style seating, complete with two adorable stray cats. One was light gray and tiny and the other was black and chubby with a nub for a tail. He was so cute. If you're wookin' pa nub in all da wong pwaces, wook no further. He's down in Belle Haven, VA. With my heart...
Friday, June 10, 2005
Guys, I am so psyched! Please keep the boob tube tuned to Lifetime because soon enough you will see my smiling face on their promo for The Golden Palace, TV's wacky spinoff of the Golden Girls! Now, you have to know that The Golden Girls is one of my favorite things in the whole entire world, and so this is not just another mere credit, friends, no. This is the fruition of a childhood dream - to hang out with the old biddies on Miami Beach in a purple caftan and red hat being fabulous. If only Estelle were in better health we could get together and tell jokes about salami...
You see, Julia Roberts and Hilary Swank were right: dreams do come true! Thank you for being a friend, Lifetime! If you threw a party... ah, you know the rest.
Thursday, June 09, 2005
You always mean well, but somehow things don't always work out as you'd planned. It doesn't matter. You take your tumbles with good grace and always come up smiling. But try to remember you're the grown-up in your family.
"Mommy does comedy. She's nuts."
Desperate for a House Wives
Desperate Working Wives Desperate to be Housewives
I'm sure that's the one that's gonna make me a star. Once you throw that food element in there, suddenly you have all this crossover appeal - like Emeril. Remember his sitcom? If he can do it, I can do it. BAM! Desperate Housewives - IN YOUR FACE! Sorry, Terri. I love you, but there's only so much room for boob on the tube. Marcia Cross - eat a pizza. Maybe then you can be on my show. Eva Longoria - you're very pretty. I'll see if you can play my sister. And Felicity Huffman, you can do whatever you want, as long as you bring your fantastic husband along to play the deaf mute organ-grinder.
Wednesday, June 08, 2005
I will be coming home on Sunday and I'm sure the fest will still be fierce on 116, so I just may end up stepping in my annual quota of mushed plantains and skirt steak. But no Puerto Rican weekend is complete without getting a glow-in-the-dark/light up/spinning hot pink plastic 40 oz. Daiquiri glass with a palm tree on it that says "Boriqua." It reminds me of my days of going to the Tractor Pull with my Dad at the Great New York State Fair, where I would get the same glass except instead of a palm tree it had a really huge truck on it and said "MUD RULES!" Ah, the simple joys of childhood...
Tuesday, June 07, 2005
Now, am I one to talk? Not necessarily. I, too, sometimes show my suburban/rural roots and wear some things one might deem slightly south of fabulous. BUT - I don't add insult to injury by adding that eager look in my eye and carrying a Hershey's Store Times Square bag - that's all I'm sayin'.
Is it Armageddon or is it just Hilary Swank?
Where do I even begin?...
Let me start by saying, I love Bob Balaban. The man is a genius associated with a lot of other geniuses and I'd die to work with any of them one day (sooner rather than later, please.) And I just passed him on the street yesterday which is odd because not too long ago my friend Jodi (of upcoming cabaret fame, yes) sat in Union Square Park right next to him. But anyway - when I saw Bob, I thought he had a funny vibe, an "I'm about to produce something that could be awesome or awful" kind of vibe. But I can see Bob making this work - but Hilary Swank and Chad Lowe? TWO-TIME OSCAR WINNING Hilary Swank and - Chad Lowe? I mean, why? What's the point Hilary? We know you made it out of the trailer park to become the Next Karate Kid (not for long)... we know you have a penchant for looking like a boy and being fierce. Must we know know how good you are at god-damn charades?! Can someone call Oprah on this, please?...
Hank Azaria is going to be on, so with the 1-2 Bob-Hank punch, I will probably try to tune in. Plus I kind of have a soft spot in my heart for Carson Kressley.
Hey - I just thought if this. Wouldn't it be funnier if they played "Celebrity" instead?
p.s. - People think I look like Parker Posey. I'm just sayin'. I've heard it more than once. Some kid just told me last week at Brutal Honesty, so, you know, it must be true. Even pregs. So there.
Monday, June 06, 2005
Now that Spamalot won the TONY for Best Musical I will never get to see it, which truly and utterly sucks because it is packed with more people that make my heart throb than anything else ever! David Hyde Pierce, Hank Azaria, Tim Curry, and may I add to this list the amazingly talented (and gorgeously voluptuous) Sara Ramirez? Girlfriend can sing her face off AND is hilarious. I didn't know it until today but I saw her way back when in The Capeman - and I thought she was great then, though the show pretty much sucked. Well, it didn't suck, it was just like Hair on acid - not exactly what you'd call Musical Comedy. Anyway, if you're reading this Sara, Hank, David and Tim (and let's face it, what else are you gonna do the day after your TONY win? Eat lunch with other famous people?) I send you my hearty congrats! And to the ever-adorable Eric Idle - Mark thinks the baby's his - let's not spoil the secret, okay?
(Get it? Mother-daughter? Girl-on-girl? Ah, foggetaboutit.)
Oh! Speaking of hot GOGA - did anyone see Cherry Jones kiss her LOVER on the TONY's last night?! Yowza! Looks like CBS is the new Showtime!
Friday, June 03, 2005
I think I love you.
To everyone who looks at me and thinks I'm fat not pregnant:
I hate you.
To the woman whose sunglasses were so ridiculously huge you make Mary Kate look like a style maven:
ON THE N TRAIN:
To the woman in the Farrah Fawcett haircut who thought turning your head toward the window would make picking your nose more discreet:
I saw you.
p.s. - mini-skirt and sneakers? With pantyhose and socks?! What is this? Working Girl? It's the aughts! Try Aerosoles!
What people are writing to me:
To the girl in the purple, green and blue striped crinkly clown pants from KMart:
You're too fat to wear those.
Thursday, June 02, 2005
Definitely check the next one out if you can - monthly at Otto's Shrunken Head. BOO-YAH!
Wednesday, June 01, 2005
Produced by the lovely and talented Giulia Rozzi, Lianne Stokes and Becky Yamamoto, tonight's brutally honest topic is:
"I Said Yes: Tales of Drugs, Drinking and the Downward Spiral."
FREE FREE FREE FREE FREE!
Otto's is at 538 E. 14th St. between A/B - show starts at 9 pm.