And Anime News Network...

God, I love Google.

CRYSTAL ACID

Just found out I am listed on an anime fan website for my voice work in Shadow Star: Narutaru. Love it! Click the title to see a cartoon of a hot Asian chick in pink pleather. (And my name.)

THE SOCIAL - TONIGHT!

Check out the show tonight if you can - it's gonna be huge! 8 pm at The Slipper Room. Also, click the title of this post to see me in cartoon form. (As if I'm not like that in real life...)

Laughable Hype

Went to Gothamist's Laughable Hype last night at Tonic. The whole show was very fun, but I just have to say that I am now in some serious heart with Rob Hubel. He and Paul Scheer stole the show with their crazy cell-phone, moustached antics. It was nice to see him live, because as Inconsiderate Cell Phone Man, you think he's such a dick - but that just shows you what a great actor he is! He, in fact, is more into t'aints than dicks, and it seems Paul Scheer prefers a nice pair of cock and balls. I'm not normally that impressed with dick jokes and homoeroticism for the sake of funny, but these guys did it so well with so much tongue in their cheek I could not not die laughing. Rob and I connected at one point in the show when he asked what was wrong with the dating scenario he had just presented and I said he failed to stretch the woman's t'aint - a callback to a previous bit of theirs. I think he was impressed, and dubbed me as having taken their $1600 workshop last summer. Oh, I wish I had! Rob, you can stretch my t'aint anytime, my friend. (And I don't mind if Paul watches, either.)

I still like you, Dave Chappelle, even though I'm not in your promo.

As you may remember, I had a great audition a while back for the Chappelle promo on Comedy Central, which when I read for it was supposed to be a Hillbilly family drinking moonshine with Dave but when I saw it was Dave holding up a piece of chicken and your average, white middle-class family laughing. But I digress. My point is, I read a great article about Chappelle's disappearance to South Africa, and he says he's not in a mental institution, he just needed to get away and re-evaluate his inner circle and their motives. I'm just sayin' Dave, I would never bullshit you. It's not too late. Season 3 is not done taping and I am not done being funny. CALL ME.

Salaam,

Carolyn

p.s. - email me. My phone is still "sick."

Enjoy the Silence

You know, there's something rather refreshing about having your cell phone and your cable turned off in the same week. It really allows you to get back to nature, focus on what's important - it's like taking a vacation without actually going anywhere. In fact, the way I see it, the sooner AOL cuts us off the better. I mean, who says you can't live a quiet, small town life in the big city? All you have to do is temp for THE BEST FOUR AND A HALF YEARS OF YOUR LIFE so that you have no benefits, no savings, no maternity leave and then get pregnant so your husband can take sabbatical at half-pay while you raise your child on twigs and dirt. I'm not even sure my child will be able to speak without the influence of technology in the home - that ought to make things nice and quiet! In fact, who knows? Maybe I'll raise a Nell to 'Tay in a Win Mrs. Chickapee?' The prospects are endless. I am thrilled.

I've always wanted to learn sign language. Maybe someday I can play Annie Sullivan in that play The Miracle Worker?

At least we'll have the ol' Victrola to keep us company while we whittle away on our corncob dolls...

To the extraordinarily thin woman in the excessively see-thru white linen pants whose ass was in my face on the subway...

Dear ETWITESTWLPWAWIMFOTS,

Just because your butt-cheeks are teeny-tiny like a baby's and perfectly round like an orange does not mean you should show them and your hot pink thong to strangers on the train. I think you thought you looked good since you seemed snobby and rich and were staring at your own reflection longingly in the train window, but really you looked slutty and outsmarted by your pants.

Cheers!

Carolyn

Yes, and...

I'm starting Improv class with Armando Diaz tonight! Psyched! He directs the famed Respecto at UCB and is an all-around well-respected and well-known guy. I'm so glad to be finally staking my claim at an improv theatre, something I've been thinking about doing for a long time but now the time is right. I've been doing short-form on and off for ten years now, so it will be nice to put all that into use in the long-form arena. I will let you know as soon as it's time for a show!

Other than that, life has been seriously busy. Day job, family from overseas, show schedule, doctor appointments... oy! But I am doing well and very at home with everything. I keep meaning to get back to the hilarity of my fabulous wham-bam blogging schedule, and I will, but for now, please treat these little updates with love and care. ;)

Yo mama,

Carolyn

This is MY Oxygen - I hope!

Think of me at 4 o'clock bitches! I am auditioning for Oxygen and I really want to get this GD job! All I want is to raise my baby right - and by right I mean like Reese Witherspoon, Kate Winslet, Kate Hudson, Liv Tyler, Gwyneth Paltrow and Debra Messing. Is that too much to ask?????

An overview of Lily's print modeling career...

If only I worked as much as this damn dog!...

Chicks & Pictures

I love this picture from last night's Chicks and Giggles. Unfortunately, Michelle Collins is not in it because she had to go to another event and Jodi Young was taking the picture, but here's my translation of everyone's body language:

Vicky Bond: Oh, you silly white girls - you can just talk to the hand!

Rachael Parenta: Who let this one get pregnant? Would someone please call the child welfare league?

Carolyn: Hey! Comedy makes me look skinny! So does this curtain I'm wearing...

Ophira Eisenberg: Ha! Curtains... She cracks me up so much I'm sweating!

Jen Dzuira: You bitches are nuts.

More pictures will be posted later on the Chicks blog! In the meantime, check out everyone's sites - these are some funny bitches!

I'm History!

Oh my God you guys - I am so psyched! I just found out I am a part of a documentary exhibit in the Museum of the City of New York! I was interviewed for it almost 2 years ago when I did Sex Myths in the Fringe festival, and they told me then what it was for, but they had no idea when the exhibition was going up or how long it would last... then my husband and his sister and her boyfriend go there yesterday and WHAM! There I am on a huge screen in technicolor above their heads. I feel very honored. (Is there a way to blush in HTML?)

Go see it if you can! I was skinnier then... ;) Click on the title of this post to be taken to their Exhibition page and scroll down - it's the one called PERFORM.

I AM STILL ALIVE!

I know - it's been a week since I've posted - and in a world of cyber-junkies, THAT'S A REALLY LONG TIME! Things have been crazy - went away two weekends in a row and have been nuts with working/shows, but I PROMISE I will be back in full effect tomorrow with pictures and love!

Until then, think on this:

On Thursday, I will know if I am having a boy or a girl. But will I tell you??????????? That remains to be seen, my friends..........

Exciting, huh? One of the few mysteries of life and it will be over soon. (sigh)

PEACE OUT, MUTHA FLUCKAS!

Just wanted to give a shout out to Giulia...

Like Julia, not Goo-lia. "G-I makes a Jah sound like Giant or Giraffe! You don't say Ga-raffe, do you? DO YOU?!"

That's one of the opening lines from her one woman show Stupid Foreigners that played last night at UCB. I have been wanting to do a solo show for a while now and never seem to get around to starting the process. Seeing Giulia's show last night was a real inspiration - her Dad reminds me so much of my Dad - and she had a ton of funny stuff about being Italian in a small town. One of my favorite parts of the show though was when she donned a gray, worn-out sweatshirt a la Eminem and read her teenage poetry, Def Jam style. Hilarious! She also had a quick bit at the end about starting stand-up in LA that I thought was priceless. I'm not sure when the show goes up again, but go see it if you get a chance. Great job, goomba!

Giulia's show went back to back with a sketch group called "Bitches Funny" that I've never seen before - and it's true - they bitches wuz funny. However, I have to give a huge shout out to Kerry Logston for her impression of Beyonce. That shit was truly hilarious! The group as a whole was very innovative not just in their writing but also in the structuring of their show. They did an opening cheer of sorts that ended with the line, "We'll make you laugh so hard you'll fart, we act like assholes and call it art!" Fuckin' great.

Kudos to all y'all funny bitches! Man, I feel like a woman! OW!

Do you think Julia Roberts gets a dollar everytime someone says "runaway bride?"

Yay! Day 17 of the "runaway bride" case! Does life get any better than this? My favorite thing about this whole b.s. reporting is that every station reporting on this - including FOX NEWS - has admitted they are a bunch of a-holes for not moving on to real news, and yet... they're still talking about it! Here are some snippets from Nina Bradley's insightful commentary on her debacle... and my commentary on her commentary.

No sympathy for ‘runaway bride’
Another bride-to-be weighs in on the pressures of tying the knot
COMMENTARY
By Nina Bradley
Senior Producer
MSNBC
Updated: 1:15 p.m. ET May 2, 2005

As a fellow bride-to-be, I understand the pressures and stress related to getting married.

Okay - fine. I'll give her that. Planning a wedding does take a lot of work. Although if you're a Senior Producer at MSNBC, don't you have someone take care of that for you?

Since my wedding is approaching in a matter of days, my support system was calling me to wonder if I wanted to run as well. My own mother called wanting to make sure I really wanted to go through with my big day.

If my mother had any doubts whether I wanted to go through with my big day or not, she would have said, "Jesus Christ, Carolyn, it's too late. Everything is paid for. You're gettin' married whether you like it or not! Then you can divorce him out of your own pocket." Which is probably why this chick ran away - she knew no one would listen to her and they would just say, "Oh, you're just nervous, honey. You love this guy!" Of course she obviously doesn't and never had the heart to say it until it was too late... p.s. - she cut her own hair and everything! Does this chick love Julia Roberts movies or what?

As I thought more about it, I wondered what I would do if I were feeling like Wilbanks? Might have called one of 14 bridesmaids? Call me crazy, but if I were to get cold feet, I would tell someone. I would talk to my fiancé, my parents, my sibling, my friends, or even my minister. Where were her 14 bridesmaids when she needed a shoulder to cry on?

Probably trying on the $500 dresses her Momzilla picked out! Listen, Crazy - If I told my bridesmaids that I was canceling my wedding, I know at least one of them would have thrown the biggest fit mankind has ever seen. It costs a lot of money to be in a wedding, too, not just to throw one. If I was in a wedding and someone cancelled, I would understand, but I would bitch about it behind their back, first. (Oh - like you wouldn't!) It's a good thing TJ Maxx has such a good returns policy - at least I could get my gift money back.

Wilbanks, who was planning to tie the knot this past Saturday at a lavish, 600-guest wedding outside Atlanta, must have completely lost it to buy a Greyhound bus ticket to Las Vegas and run without even a peep to anyone.

True - she definitely did lose it. This was a lifetime turning point for her - clearly this is not just about her wedding. This is about her knowing herself, what she wants and how to convey that clearly to the people around her. I say, "Run, girl, Run!"

As an all-out manhunt was launched, her family and friends feared the worst. Even people who had never met Jennifer helped search for the 32-year old marathon runner.

Ha! The "runaway bride" is a marathon runner? Ha ha ha...

How dare she do this to a sympathetic public? I have no sympathy for her.

Okay - now here's where I think you're ridiculous, Crazy... she did not do this to a sympathetic public. She did this for herself, to her family and maybe the guests if you want to be comprehensive about it. That's 600 people. Not millions in the "American public." And we are anything but sympathetic to this girl - people hate her! You hate her. Now, I agree that telling the police that you've been kidnapped when you haven't is wrong, and perhaps punishable, but running away is everyone's right. I certainly hope her family and fiancé take some of the blame.

Rather, I feel sorry for her fiancé who is now facing a dilemma: does he dump her or does he forgive her and marry the “runaway bride?” Most guys I know would not take her back after such humiliation.

Who cares? She doesn't want to be with him, dumbass! Why doesn't anyone get that part? Hello?...

And the worst part is many Americans following this twisted tale were at one point wondering if her fiancé John Mason had something to do with her disappearance. That is sickening.

Sickening - maybe. But not surprising after Scott Peterson and the copy cat case - which also got uber-covered by the media. I think the truth is - we love this shit. We want girls to disappear and we want their lovers to have something to do with it. As long as it doesn't happen to us or anyone we know. Cuz we want a Regular Joe to vilify so we don't have to take a look at the real culprits - like actual world leaders going to war and stuff. We don't have to question their guilt or innocence. We just accept it. As long as the runaway bride and Michael Jackson exist, no one really dies in Iraq and there is no AIDS in Africa - there's just looney bitches and sick child stars and it's always the Best Week Ever. (Okay, I totally want to be on that show and love pop culture as much as the next bitch, this is just my inner-Bono coming out.)

Sure we all feel the pressure. No one ever warned me about the planning “pains” and that all my free time would be spent doing wedding-related chores.

Come on, did you really need a "warning?" Don't tell me you got to be a Senior Producer at MSNBC without watching an episode of "A Wedding Story..."

The phone calls and e-mails from friends asking ridiculous questions like can you send me directions to your wedding? Ever heard of mapquest?!

Woah, dude - rude much? Um, it's standard practice to put a map in your invitation - even people from Oswego know that.

Or the single guests who are invited alone, but respond “with guest”? What would Emily Post think of that behavior?!

Emily Post would say you are an asshole for not inviting your friend, plus guest, DUH.

So why have the pressures of a wedding in the year 2005 become so intense?

Martha Stewart. THANK GOD!

When my mother has insisted on certain things that she thinks we “must have” at our upcoming wedding, I tell her that this is my wedding day. She’s already had hers. If Wilbanks did not want 600 guests seeing her in her gown, she should have said something.

Who even knows 600 people? I mean, my mom invited her friends from work to my wedding and I let her because she paid for the reception and I wanted her to have some buddies to play with - but that was like 10 people, spouses included. I had 100 people at my wedding and that was every single person who'd ever meant something to me that was still alive. There's no need to invite the mailman. (Unless he's your real Daddy - then it's okay.)

If Wilbanks were 22, I think the public would have an easier time forgiving her. But at age 32, she should be smarter and she should have spoken up. Wilbanks and I are the same age. I feel fortunate that I met my fiancé when we were older (and wiser), so we actually now know what we want.

Blah-bitty-blah, blah. I met my husband when I was 21 and married him when I was 25. He was 37. We knew what we wanted and we got it - every step of the way. Our wedding was perfect because it meant something to us - we used the ceremony as a chance to completely seal our bond - that's why we got married outside by a female non-denominational minister who used elements from several faiths in our rituals. Both of our families are staunch Catholics - but we didn't care. And neither did they. No one does when real love is there. But people get married for so many f*cked up reasons - they're not doing it for love. They're doing it out of desperation - to please their parents, to impress their friends, to have a baby... the list goes on and on. Now, I'm not tryin' to sound all perfect, but I'm very proud of my marriage and I absolutely loved our wedding ceremony. I think about how great it was all the time. But I also know that my husband and I totally planned every bit of it together, from the colors to the flowers to the readings. And that's why it was so great. It was a real reflection of us. And people had a good time because we had a good time. I wish more brides could see what getting married is really about. It's not about the shit you get - it's about why you get that shit - to celebrate your love - not your affinity for pink toile.

Maybe we can all learn a valuable lesson from Wilbanks. When you’re feeling the heat, take a deep breath and ask for help before running for the door and scrapping the chance to “live happily ever after.”

I agree. But I'll say this: when I told my mother I was having panic attacks in college, I said, "Mom, I think I need drugs." and she said, "Carolyn - you're too young for drugs! You don't need that." Meanwhile the earth was falling away from my feet and my head was spinning off my shoulders, but whatever. And in fact, I did get better without drugs, which I'm glad about today. Who knows if I would have stayed on them forever and become dependant on their effect? But I do know that this girl ran away to get better, because no one was listening when she was right next to them. Maybe her head was spinning off her shoulders and no one noticed. They sure have noticed now.

And now I'm as guilty as all of the news stations for talking about something stupid for no reason - but isn't that what blogs are all about? I mean, what else could I have posted on today? My new skirt? My temp job? You've heard it all before. But now you know my wedding was dubbed "Operation: Periwinkle" by my bridesmaids and we had karaoke at our reception. These are the things that will be of value one day when my blog is run by the minions who call me "Madam Superstar" and post about what kind of herbal tea I had that day.

Okay - that's never gonna happen. But the karaoke was pretty cool.