Holy Communion, Batman!

My niece is making her First Communion this weekend, so I thought in honor of that I'd give you these pictures of the new Pope. Enjoy!

A cross and a yarmulke? Make up your mind, Mr. Pope bear.

Suck it - I will crush you! BAM! Joey Ratz...

This guy has great PR!

Hey! I'm the Pope, but my friends call me Joey Ratz...

Dude, how come he looks so scary?!

Honey, I Shrunk the President!

Watch out for the lawnmower, Bushie! Don't let the ants eat you! Ha ha ha ha ha!

Bad Picture

Ha ha ha! Here's what was going on as the flash went off:

Nichelle: Carolyn, are you sick of me taking bad pictures of you yet?

Carolyn: No! I'm sick of you taking good pictures of me!

CLICK.

Ha ha! That's what I get...

Even Leighann (background left) is concerned. "No, don't do it baby. You'll regret it! Oh, never mind."

BUT HOW DO YOU LIKE THE PINK COAT, HUH? NO BUTTONS! EAT IT, VERSACE!

p.s. - I'm just taking this picture in stride because it's preparing me for my ordeals with the paparazzi. That's why I published myself. NO FEAR!

Here's what Leighann Lord had to say about last night's show...

"Okay. You blew it. If you weren't in the house last night, 4/26, at Raga, you missed one helluva show. Chicks & Giggles absolutely rocked the house last night. I'm not saying that because I was on the show. :-) But I shared the stage with some truly funny, talented and supportive women. Each of them did their best to ruin the stereotype that women aren't funny."

Right back atcha, babe! Check out Leighann's blog and her schedule.

And just another shout out to all the women on the show. Fabulous, all of you! Check out the Chicks & Giggles blog to see the lineup and get links to their shows, sites, etc.

Lily lives in a strawberry from Hong Kong!

She looks terrified. But really, really cute.

All of the buttons fell off my brand new coat. ALL OF THEM.

I have this coat for one day and all the buttons are gone. Not only is the coat cheaply made, I got it at Dress Barn. Tell me that doesn't make me feel like a cow!

How come I can't have anything nice?!

Tonight!

Nichelle made this collage to advertise the show I'm hosting tonight! Aww - it's kinda cute (if I do say so myself.) My favorite one is on the top right where I look wasted (which must be why I'm holding my notes. I would never do that sober.)

No, I don't do comedy drunk. Really. I do, however, sometimes use notes. Janeane Garofalo is famous for it. Course, she's famous, period. I guess this example thing is not working out. Maybe we should just focus on the cute picture in the top left corner where I am having a jovial conversation. I sometimes have conversations drunk, but I never have conversations using notes. That would be retarded.

Opening line: Hey! How are you?

(wait for response - if positive say, "Great!" If negative, say "Awwww.")

If the other person says, "How are you?" say:

Carolyn: Same old shit different day!

Other things to drop in during conversation:

I like your shirt!
Your set was great.
How's your boyfriend/girlfriend/dog/mom?
I gotta get goin'. See ya later!
Do you get my newsletter?

Be sure to smile a lot and look friendly. Refer to these notes, but not so much it seems like you're not listening.

Go get 'em tiger! GROWL!

At least I have good hair.

I love you, Jo Jo!

I am in love with Supernanny. I don't know how else to say it. She is amazing and I heart her to the nth degree. If you could have seen her last night, talking to little Jared, telling him what an a-hole his mother was - so sweet! And poor little Jared, who had to put his thoughts in a plastic box because his mother was too busy to talk to him since she had to spend all her time dealing with the 4 year old twin monsters she created. No wait, let me take a step back and say that Mommy Melora was not an idiot like some of the other mothers on the show, she just needed a babysitter and a Valium. (Much like my sister does. She swears by that method! Of course if you had 9 cats, 2 dogs, a hamster, 5 fish and a kid you would, too.)

Magically, like always, Nanny Jo fixed the family in less than two weeks - and little Jared cried when she left. She was the only person who ever stopped to listen. He hearts her and will probably stalk her someday, but such are the perils of the Supernanny. I can't wait to get Season One on DVD so when my kid acts up I can just play it and say, "See! See what Supernanny says? She says your behaviour is unasseptable and you have to go to the naughty corner!"

Parenting through TV... it worked in the 70's, it'll work in the aughts as well. Wonder Bread and General Hospital is not a far cry from Stroopwafels and Supernanny, right? And if I turned out as good as I did watching Luke rape Laura, think about how perfect my kid will turn out watching other shitty kids get reprimanded? Thank you, Supernanny. You make parenting fun!

I bought a spring coat yesterday to guarantee the weather would warm up and no one would have to wear coats anymore.

Oh, you're welcome.

And yes, it is pink - hot pink, not pastel pussy pink. In fact, this picture was taken of me just yesterday. (I can't believe I wore a yellow shirt with that coat! Hello?...)

Now, at first I was a little concerned that the coat was too pink, because as my husband used to remind me all the time, I generally like to "make a statement." But, I feel validated after finding this article from the Pittsburgh Tribune Review that says, "As for raincoats, the season is definitely about color, and pink is No. 1." Fantastic! They may not dig me in New York, but they LOVE me in PA!

Me on a Soap?

This is what I would look like on a soap. I look more like this guy than any of the chicks on those shows. (Except he has better cheekbones...)

So, I did this reading last night of a play a friend of mine wrote, and a guy from CBS Casting came. Normally this would be totally exciting, especially since my adorable friend Paul said, "Carolyn, I think you're gonna get a sitcom out of this!" (Cuz everybody knows Ray Romano got his sitcom as a result of a reading he did of "Romeo and Juliet." He was the Friar - hilarious!) Turns out, though, the guy was from Daytime Casting, as in SOAP OPERAS. Now, I got nothing against workin' on a soap opera, believe me. The money is good and the work is steady and you get a brand new script every day so that keeps it interesting. But I just don't think I'm the right type for soaps. I mean, how many soaps feature chubby late-20 somethings? The only one I can think of that might work for me is The Bold and the Beautiful, because at least I fall into the first category. A wacky pregnant chick with a white-girl afro is nothing if not bold, eh? So, casting guy, if you're reading this (and I know you are) you can totally put me on your soap. My only request is that I get to play a set of twins, one pure who married the rich guy's son out of love even though everyone thinks she's just using him for his money since she is having her ex-boyfriend's baby who she still sort of loves but only because he took her in after her parents died in a fire, and the other who just came to Rivington from Turkmenistan (thus justifying the moustache and armpit hair.) Of course the twins will have to meet each other and be shocked and all of that, but I think the Soviet chick should go crazy and start dressing as the other one and then steal the baby after it's born. What do you think?

Screw casting, maybe I should become a writer? These soap plots are like second nature to me. My grandmother would be so proud. She raised me on Wonder Bread and General Hospital. LONG LIVE LUKE AND LAURA!

*UPDATE: Okay, you have got to click on the Luke and Laura link because apparently Luke raped Laura - and then they got married! (I obviously never saw that episode or was 2 1/2 and had no idea what was going on...) PLUS! Roseanne fricking Barr was on GH back in the day! WHAT?! THERE IS HOPE FOR ME.......

My Love/Hate Relationship with David Brooks

Me and Brooks go way back - to the 2004 election, when I first started watching his commentary on The News Hour with Jim Lehrer. He's fairly conservative, but has a smart way of masking just how conservative he is, since he writes for the Times and all. But his most recent piece doesn't just smack of uber-conservatism, it stinks of it. I found out about it on Liza's blog and almost puked. So here's how I dealt with it - via email:

Dear David Brooks,

Your piece entitled, "Roe's Birth, and Death" was drawn to my attention by a friend (a blogger, even!) and I feel so forced to respond to your insanity but don't quite know what to say. I have seen you on TV a few times and always thought you were intelligent, certainly, but playing ball for the wrong team as it were. But in this piece, I am forced to question your intelligence entirely! You suggest that Roe v. Wade should be overturned to protect the rights of the political minority? Are you kidding me? Look, the bottom line is, no one is ever going to force one of those closed-minded hicks to get an abortion, so her rights (and I say her because I honestly don't care what the related slack-jawed men think) are never going to be violated. Period.

Unless women are assured the right to have, or not have an abortion - AS THEY CHOOSE - we will all be screwed.

From a pro-choice Mom-to-be,
Carolyn Castiglia

And get this girls and boys! He wrote me back! I heart his honesty and the way his email starts off like a song from "She Loves Me":

Dear friend,
Thanks very much for sending a response to my column, positive or negative. I'm afraid I can't respond to each message. My editors would wonder why I have no time to write for the paper.
But I do read every e-mail, and I frequently learn from them.
So, again, thanks,
David Brooks

I can't tell if we hate each other or if we secretly want to have sex. What do you think? At least I'm already pregnant so he won't have to worry about any unwanted accidents! You're one lucky dog, David Brooks. WOOF!

I GOT THE MIDDLE CLASS CHEESE PLATE!

To quote my buddy Laura Mannino: "Small victories, guys. Small victories."

Mmm! Is my mouth watering as I nibble the sweet-sharp Vermont white cheddar slices. (Rat sized, I might add, but I won't cuz that'll just remind me of how I shared my Veggie Delite at the Subway on Madison and 49th with a mouse yesterday...) Let's see - what else is in here? Grapes - let me try one - ooh! What a burst of fruity-licious flavor in my mouth! They're the purple ones and rather hearty. Should pair well with my Grande Vanilla Latte. Oh - and the apple slice is not lacking in fortuitousness - it exceeded my expectations. (I am generally fond of Granny Smiths only, but this is some sort of red variety and quite palatable.) The orange-and-white Colby/cheddar squares are bland, I must admit, but the strawberry - the only one - was divine. The fruit and nut bread is dry and practically no bigger than a crouton, but with a slice of rat-cheese on top it tastes fine. The only thing left I have to try is my juicy hunk of Camembert. And I think some things are best done in private...

Cheers, everyone! Or as the working-classes say, "THANK GOD IT'S FRIDAY!"

Questions...

How do "normal" people do the same job day in and day out, day after day after day without committing suicide? They must drink a lot, right? I mean, I used to drink a lot, but I haven't had a drink in so long I don't even miss it anymore. It's kinda like having to pee so bad and you have to wait so long that after an hour you don't even have to pee anymore. Where do you think the pee goes? Why does that happen? And how come I'm as dehydrated now as I was when I used to drink every night? Apparently my baby is drinking half of its placenta on a daily basis (I don't even want to discuss how disgusting/"The Abyss" that is.) Remember that scene where Ed Harris has to put the helmet filled with fluid on and he almost gags and then the other guy says, "Don't worry, just breathe it in, it's just like when you were in the womb, your body will remember."? Do you think that's true? That stuff looked like that pink cleaning fluid they use in restaurants. You know what I'm talking about? The shit you have to mix half-n-half with water or it'll kill you? I feel very safe that that's what they wash down tables with and yet there are still roaches crawling in every restaurant in the city. And Mom, don't get grossed out by that because you know what? You country folk eat outside and flies shit on your food while you're eating and you don't even bat an eyelash. And speaking of bats, my parents have bats in their house all the time... did I ever mention that? We had a bat in our college apartment my super-senior year and that scarred me for life and then my prankster roommate Ginger decided to throw a rubber-bat at me one day but I still like the bitch. I wonder why? ;)

Those are my questions for the day. Please answer as many of them as possible. Thank you.

Saw WYSIWYG last night...

I'm sure they will post a full run-down over there so I won't go into too much detail, but it was a great show as always. (Click the title to go their website.) PS 122 is such a great space and Chris, Andy and Dan get performers that are all so talented and unique so you really get to hear 6 different voices with 6 different experiences, all presented with humor and intelligence. Especially hilarious to me was Jon Friedman and his tale of selling mirrored hats. I laughed so hard my abs ached, and until that point I'd forgotten I had abs. Michelle Collins was also very funny talking about her day job and having to hide in the file room to give interviews about Votergasm, a project she headed in the fall to encourage young people to vote and then have sex with another voter. (And whose website is now blocked by the illustrious place of my temp-tation. Aren't you proud?) I took their pledge, but like everything else fucked that up, too. Dan Radosh had a great story about working for the DOT, and Andy Horwitz was as deep as he was funny talking about leaving Baltimore and dropping acid (not necessarily in that order). Brian Grosz told a very unique tale about being a "Special Ability Driver" on the set of Catch Me if You Can, (You go, SAG Rambo!) and Elizabeth Spiers provided a real inside look at the world of blogging as a founding editor at Gawker. I had never heard of Lockhart Steele before last night, but I will never forget his name now!

I brought my friend Gabe (who was fresh off the Easter Bonnet Competition where he met David Hyde Pierce - my fave!) and we sat next to Cheryl B. and in front of Rachel. Briefly saw Alexis (you are so pretty, child!) and Allison as well. Some people went to Cheap Shots after, but since I can't drink and I was on a date, Gabe and I waited in line for 5 hours at Cold Stone on 8th Street. (Yes, that is an oxymoron, but so is the nearby Astor Place "Sculpture for Living," though did I mention I'm buying an apartment there? It's only half-a-mil - it's a total steal...) Nothin' like puttin' a high class apartment building right across the street from KMart. But I digress...

I didn't get anything at Cold Stone because thanks to Rachel's reminder, I made it to free cone day at Ben & Jerry's! They were running a really tight ship over there on 43rd and 8th, and I got in, got my cookies and cream and got out! I think I'll go back sometime to try the Appl-y Ever After. Sounds good!

I'm busy all week this week because I'm doing a reading at Second Stage on Sunday, so if you can come, let me know! (See my RSS Calendar in the sidebar for the deets.) I went to my friend Allen's reading of Ondine at Jean Cocteau on Monday night and it was great. That's a really great theatre company if you have never been to a show there. There was one chick, Megan Byrne who I recognized from TV (she has a recurring on Law & Order). She was really funny. The whole cast was strong - Yale and Julliard types. Keep your eye out for Reginald Veneziano - he's really cute and was very funny and is gonna be on Rescue Me starting this summer.

That's about it, y'all. I am wiped. I have to admit I didn't know until this morning they elected the new Pope. I'm always one meal ahead and one step behind...

Maybe I should contact Vladimir, my Russian Pimp?

How much pizza do you think sex is worth? A whole pie plus a 2 liter, right?

Sorry, Mom.

Apparently I am a Russian prostitute. Twice over. Thank you, Google. Now I'm gonna get busted for not reporting that income on my taxes! Great...

Saw Asssscat last night at UCB

It was amazing. Not just amazing in the sense that it was a great show, even though it was, but also amazing in that there were so many improvisers up there working perfectly n-sync, including original UCB members Matt Walsh and Amy Poehler and her SNL buddy Seth Meyers (who is soooooo fricking hot by the way.) Seth, if you're reading this (and I know you are), please wear that shirt always and do your hair like that forever. You looked like a young, really f-able Hugh Grant and my girls and I were quite pleased. Needless to say, my husband was not, but he shuts up cuz he's a good sport. (He's Dutch and you did Boom Chicago in Amsterdam for many years - I mean where do the connections between us end, my friend?!)

Everyone in the cast was fantastic, but especially effortless in his performance was Matt Walsh. He was so at ease, so utterly in control of his every move without losing the zone of freedom that is so central to improv, it's hard to know what to say. It's just clear that he has done this for years and has a real natural gift. Seth Miller was very unique and smart, and the two guys from Best Week Ever, Paul Scheer and Brian Huskey were fun, smart and energetic. Also the guy who was in the AOL commercial with Baron and is sometimes on Best Week Ever and I feel like a dick for not knowing his name but I have been googling for an hour to try to figure it out, so all I can say is you need to get a website, guy.* My friend Katina is friends with his wife, too. I feel bad. Oh well. Enough is enough - it was great and I'm glad I went.

Oh - I hate not mentioning the 3 women in the show - 2 were from Second City and they didn't seem to go up as much as the guys but when they did they were great and Amy Poehler was a real joy to watch in person. She is absolutely child-size and has some super-sized bling on her ring finger I couldn't help but stare at like the sun. She was really funny and definitely leading the show, but I appreciated that. It brought a sense of order to the chaos. She did give me a shout-out of sorts since she asked up top who was there for the first time, several of us raised our hands and she said, "How'd you hear about the show?" to which I responded in my ghetto accent, "My friend" and she echoed "My friend" and smiled and laughed. (This does mean I get to be on SNL now, right? I think Lorne and I are really going to get along...)

I took a free improv class at the Magnet Theatre on Sunday and am going to sign up for Level II with Armando Diaz. I want to get discovered this year, dammit(!) so I can change the name of this goddamn blog! (sigh...)

How does "Carolyn Castiglia - Whirling Dervish Supernova" sound? Too much?

It's all a process, I'm all a part of it, it's all good.

p.s. - played to 4 people in Byram, NJ on Saturday. I really don't think it'll be long now before my name is in lights. EN FUEGO, MAMASITA! AYE!

*UPDATE: It's Owen Burke! I think it's Owen Burke. (I owe you that double link, buddy.)

p.p.s. - Forgot to mention Bobby Tisdale, who did a great job as the monologuist. Very funny, and more from a stand-up perspective, which I liked.

Hats Off, Community Service Society!

I MC'd the Community Service Society of New York's 7th Annual Cocktail Party last night. It was hot. There was a ton of food (though I foolishly had a BLT before I got there and I wisely did not eat anything at the party since I am fat and was full but it was so hard to ignore all that cheese...) and I couldn't drink during the 2 HOUR OPEN BAR because, you know, I'm preggers and I don't want my kid to be retarded (cuz we're fightin' an uphill battle in that department anyway.) Okay, I did have a half a glass of wine, or "bodempje" as the Dutch call it, but it tasted like shit. I don't know if it was cuz I haven't had wine in such a long time or if it was cuz I just said "a glass of white" and got the house stuff, but the Diet Coke was very fresh. Everyone I met was really cool and fun - the DJ was great. His name is DJ Reeve, but I googled him and all I get are scientists and some Swiss kid, so, that's not him. I also met Jeffrey Schifman who photographed the event. He was a really great guy - hopefully I can find some of the pictures somewhere. An important guy on the Board works where I temp, so that was cool. He had a t-shirt, jeans and a leather jacket on, and I was like, "You're pretty bad-ass for a banker." He said, "I'm not a banker. I only do their politics. I show up to the office 2 or 3 times a week." Lucky bastard. All in all it was a good time. And the free Toblerone candy bar in my schwag-bag tasted pretty good at 2:00 in the morning. There's nothing like waking up after falling asleep on the couch, eating a piece of chocolate and taking your prenatal vitamin to make you feel like you're livin' on the edge! I AM INSANE! Don't f*ck with me or I'll have another Raspberry Sour Altoid* - and nobody wants that.

* also in my schwag-bag, along with the DVD Blue Vinyl. Sounds interesting...

Black Car Blues - A Play in One Act

The setting: A black car, or "gypsy cab" driving from East Harlem to Midtown.

The players: Carolyn, a 20-something girl, chubby, dressed all in black with wild hair. She looks tired. Driver, a 30-something Hispanic guy, wearing a GAP baseball cap, fake Dolce & Gabbana sunglasses, black long-sleeve T and jeans.

Carolyn: Hey, Park and 48th please. You can just make a left on Park.

(silence)

Carolyn: (quietly, to herself, in response to traffic) Jesus.

Driver: You go to work?

Carolyn: Yep.

Driver: You late?

Carolyn: Of course. Nobody takes a cab when they're on time...

Driver: (chuckles)

(Carolyn puts her left leg up on the seat, pulls out her makeup bag and starts applying.)

(silence)

Carolyn: Oh! That guy just ran a red light!

Driver: Friday morning huh?

Carolyn: Yep.

Driver: Traffic is not so bad.

Carolyn: Nope.

Driver: Maybe it's traffic up ahead.

Carolyn: Don't say that! (Playfully taps driver on the shoulder.)

Driver: (chuckles)

Carolyn: It's Friday, maybe everybody is on vacation.

Driver: Vacation? Why?

Carolyn: Cuz they're rich! Every weekend is a vacation to them.

Driver: I think you rich.

Carolyn: What?!

Driver: Yes, I think you rich but you want to be richer.

Carolyn: No way, dude. I am not even close to rich.

Driver: You work on Park Ave. You must be rich.

Carolyn: Dude, I just started working on Park Ave. and I make as much or as little there as I would anywhere else in the city. What makes you think I'm rich?

Driver: You work every day, you make lots of money. You rich.

Carolyn: Dude, I bet you make more money than me - or at least as much as me, let's put it that way.

Driver: No.

Carolyn: No, I bet you do. And it's seriously annoying that you keep saying that you think I'm rich just because I'm sitting in the back of your cab.

Driver: I think you make $2,000 a week.

Carolyn: Ha! I don't even make anywhere near that! Not even close.

Driver: I make $1,000 a week.

Carolyn: Well then, you make twice as much as me.

Driver: I don't believe you.

Carolyn: Well, it's true. Which lets me know that I should probably just drive cab for a living. And so should you...

(silence)

Carolyn: (voice-over) Why don't I ever take the subway? Rich?! I work on Park Ave.? So does the hot dog cart guy - and he probably makes more than me, too! Jesus! He picked me up in East Harlem, how fucking rich can I be? He makes twice as much as me and he's insulting me? Just because I'm white does not mean I'm rich. This is why people hate other people, because they assume things. I am so offended. This guy is a dick. I am as down-to-earth as they come. My sneakers are melted on the heel from stepping on a hot grate and you can see it and I don't care! I'm putting cover girl powder on my zits in the back of a cab! I'm not rich. This guy is a dick.

Carolyn: (out loud) The other side of 49th Street is fine.

Driver: Here?

Carolyn: Yep. (Hands him a $20.) Can I get $5 back?

Driver: See! You rich!

Carolyn: I'll take $6 back - that's how much it would cost in a regular cab.

Driver: You rich! You spend lots of money! You rich! Ha ha ha!

Carolyn: (shakes her head and sort-of laughs as she exits) (voice-over) You're a dick.

(Carolyn closes car door, pulls piece of cat hair off her $10 t-shirt, buys coffee and egg sandwich from cart guy, enters large investment bank.)

Carolyn: (quietly, to herself) Fuck.

Elevator Play

The setting: an elevator in a large investment bank.

The players: Two 20-something Americanized Asian guys, one slim, one stout, both well-dressed but hip. One 20-something girl, chubby, dressed all in black with wild hair. She looks tired.

Stout: Hey man, what's up? (Removes iPod ear buds.)

Slim: Not much. What's up with you? (Removes iPod ear buds.)

Stout: How's that project you're workin' on?

Slim: Dude, my weekend is shot.

Stout: Oh, yeah?

Slim: Yeah.

Stout: Man, my weekend might be shot, too.

Slim: Oh, yeah?

Stout: Yeah. But I don't wanna stay here all weekend and work on something that doesn't need to be worked on.

Slim: Yeah. (Sips his venti iced coffee, they both exit the elevator on the 41st floor.)

Stout: They picked the guys this week.

Slim: Who'd they pick? Bank of America?

Stout: Nope.

Slim: Wachovia? (Chuckles.)

(They exit through their respective security doors on either side of the elevator lobby.)

Chubby girl: (quietly, to herself) Fuck. (she sips her coffee out of a North Fork Bank cup, stops to briefly appreciate the irony, heaves a heavy sigh, and walks out of view.)

Look at Lily! She's a ballerina now!

Remember Lily? If you don't, this is how she looked at her debut. You should remember her from now on, though, cuz she's gonna be a STAR! (I just hope she isn't anorexic.)

Many thanks to her manager, Crystal Diamonique, for sending the pictures. To book Lily for your event, email ho@crystaldiamonique.com.

How come only rich people get flowers?

That's not fair. Park Ave. sucks. Everything is perfect there as it is, and they get every hydrangea in the tri-state area? Not to mention the tulips and the daffodils and the magnolia trees... What about East Harlem? We need some pungent damn flowers to stifle the smell of chicken/piss/garbage - but does anyone care? No.

I love spring in New York. But I really love summer. Mmm!

Just saw a woman on Park Ave. who looked like Cruella DeVille

Why do people try so hard?

Creme de La Creme

Okay, if you've never tried La Creme yogurt from Dannon, go out and get some! I used to eat this a lot and then I kinda broke away but NOW I'M BACK! This is my new favorite lunchtime snack. The strawberry is even better than the vanilla. Better for you than ice cream, not as good for you as broccoli, but so yummy! So thick you can eat it with a fork (since you're kinda naturally "slow" and always forget to grab a spoon on your way out of the caf.)

She's gonna be such a good mother...

Dear Britney,

I know we haven't talked in a while, but first off I just wanna say CONGRATS! and I couldn't be more psyched that we will be delivering right around the same time. I'm sure Ellen will throw a joint shower for us (how's East Harlem? My friend Paul has a great backyard...) and make sure Madonna, Gwyneth, Reese and both Kates are there with their babies! I see you doing the dance of joy above and can't help but think, "Thank god she actually has shoes on!" You have to take care of yourself in this time of utter creativity. I, too, feel that motherhood is my divine purpose on this earth, and I too want to give up my career (day job) and pursue full-time my passion (talent). That's why I'm using my pregnancy as a platform to stay in the media - it's the perfect way to combine everything I love! And don't worry about those pesky tabloid a-holes. I, too, am a little on the chunky side (though neither of us can blame that on our pregnancies, can we?) and I never wear makeup. In fact, I have a huge zit on my chin today, so we have something else in common! I had those bad tan lines at my wedding (but I still looked great!) and I am also drinking lots of Starbucks even though I'm pregnant! I mean, they can't expect us to give up everything, right? (God, 'member that night we stayed up talking and drinking all night long?!... Man, I miss those good times!)

Okay babe, I gotta go. My publicist is calling. See you at Itsy Bitsy Yoga!

Yours in the sisterhood of pseudo-Judaism,
Carolyn

Gettin' by with a little help from your friends.

I just put some links up for Lianne - and in the process found out about the Magnet Theatre where Armando Diaz is now teaching, and I'm going to take a free class there on Sunday! IT'S ALL KARMA, BABY!

As for the rest of my life, I am tired, tired, tired. But relatively happy, which is good. I read Anathemaville last night for the first time under our new director, Jess McLeod. My friend Paul is in the show, too, which is funny because it's a total fluke - I knew the writer, he knew the director - voila! Serendipity. Everyone is really talented and the show is so funny. I feel blessed to work with good people all the time.

Chicks and Giggles is tonight! Comedy Social tomorrow... CSSNY gig on Thursday, Friday - TAX DAY! Ahhh! Guess I better get off blogger and get on Turbo Tax...

Saturday April's Mom comes into town and the girls and I are goin' out to Porky's. (PORK IT UP!) Sunday we do brunch at Yuca, I have that class at the Magnet and then going to see Asssscat 3000 for the first time. Insane, I know, but then next week all I'm doing is rehearsing Anathemaville and maybe cleaning my room? That's almost impossible to imagine at this point. But the bed is sort of made, and I do have some clean clothes. (Not the ones I'm wearing right now, but...)

I'm supposed to go see Planet Banana next Friday at Ars Nova. I hope it works out. Silvia and Clarke are really nice and they came to see Shawn Hollen...who? I also wanted to see Pentecostal Wisconsin by Ryan Paulson that was last night and last Monday at the PIT but I am too damn busy! Oh well. You can't have your cake and eat it, too, and you can't be in shows and see them, too, I guess.

That's about it for me, kids. What's up with you? Leave me a comment if you have somethin' to say. I had a grande Vanilla latte and I'm still dying. Any suggestions? HELP ME.....

Happy Monday - Happy Spring!

What a gorgeous weekend! How awesome is the weather right now?! I am seriously psyched. Take advantage now, y'all, cuz you know it's gonna be 95 in a month. This happy picture reminds me of the view on Park Ave. and of my hubby's homeland, of course. Which reminds me that my sister in-law Cocki (the painter) is coming in May - look for her stuff on the streets of SoHo!

Cool - that's about it for right now. I am wicked tired (shout out to Boston!) and pretty much starving so I can't really think straight. (But neither can Carson Kressley.)

This kid is HOT!

This is Neal Medlyn, who I met last night at Automatic Vaudeville. He has a show at Apocolypse Lounge on Sundays at 9 (right after Jessy Delfino's open mic). You should definitely check it out, cuz this kid is mad hysterical. He's a little nuts, but good nuts. (I mean, look, in this photo you can see his nuts! That's nuts!) All I can say is, anyone who can write a Lionel Ritchie Opera and set a unicorn on fire is okay by me. (You'll have to see it to believe it.) JUST GO!

Other shout outs - to Bridgett Everett and Kenny Mellman who host the show and who's songs had me laughing and crying at the same time. Laughing because they were outrageously hilarious and crying because Bridgett had to abort the popular kid's baby... That really got me where it hurts! (I think it got her there, too.) Plus, any chick who can expose her ass to an 80 year old man, frankly, has balls. (Bridgett, if you're reading this - and I know you are - old joke, long story - I'm not much of a shaver, either.)

Everyone else we performed with was great, too: The Varsity Interpretative Dance Squad who made some dope lemonade to Christina Aguilera; Bob Dolphin, the 80 year old tapper who was the audience fave and went home with a magnum of champagne; Matt the Magician who shit out the Ace of Clubs - right on stage - and gave it to my fellow cast member Stacie... talk about pulling a show out of your ass... All in all the show was a fantastic experience for the performers and the audience. I will definitely be back - to watch, and hopefully on stage! ;)

Sorry about no posts yesterday, y'all. Things was wack at the bank and I been doin' shows like a dog this week! Big gig tonight in Jersey (an oxymoron? KIDDING! I LOVE JERSEY! I have big hair, too you know.) and then I am going to sleep! (With my husband, too.... Damn - I hope I don't get pregnant!) HEY!

Peace out, peeps! WEEKEND!

Love, Carolyn

Did you know there was an elevator workers union in NYC?

I just found out two days ago, but Claudia knew a few days before that. The elevator workers are striking all over the city, and one of the girls here told me they abandoned this building, which is I think why taking the elevator here feels like taking off in an airplane. When we have to stop several times in one ride I swear to god I almost puke. I can't be held responsible if I ruin someone's Ferragamo's.

My Dad hates unions. He thinks they make people lazy, and he's a very hard worker, but it's the non-union guys who are always first to get laid off. He'd say, "They got union's for everything in New York City! There's probably a Homeless Union - 'Fighting for Your Right Not to Work.' But not everyone can get into the Homeless Union - no - you gotta have a trade, like singing or dancing - the rest of those guys - they're just bums. I went to give a homeless guy a dollar the other day and he told me he couldn't take it cuz he was on his lunch break! Shit - I hate unions."

BRITISH GUYS HAVE SUCH HOT ACCENTS!

Sometimes I forget.

I got spanked by Spanx!

I bought a pair of $21 Spanx pantyhose to wear in a show because they are supposed to be miracle tights that make your ass look fabulous. (As if mine needs any help - clears throat.) All I can say is - don't do it. (Guys especially - I think they would be too constricting on your balls.)

So I can't wait to wear my new Spanx, and I take them out of the package, put them on and IMMEDIATELY get 2 runs! My nails were perfectly filed (and strong, too - don't mess with a chick on Prenatal vitamins!) so it wasn't that - it was nothing! I'd take that shit back in a heartbeat if my feet didn't stink so bad...

My point is: don't let Spanx Corp. run away with your money! It's a rip off! They'll suck you in, yes, but then they'll tear your heart out. Now, you might be thinking, "Pull yourself together, Carolyn - they're just pantyhose." AND MY BABY'S COLLEGE FUND!

This is God's way of telling me to love my natural black ass.

I can't believe Jennings has the Cance!

God damn it, Peter Jennings! Why'd you have to go and get the cance? It's sad when anyone has cancer - it's sad that there even is cancer - but I hate it when famous people get diseases. I don't know why - I guess it's because it shatters the image that they are above us mere mortals. They have bad hair days and bad skin and sicknesses like the rest of us. And we live what they live - so now we have to watch Peter lose his hair and get super-skinny and that's double bad a) cuz no one should have to go through that and b) especially not uber-dignified super-cutie Canadian P.J. He's ma dawg, yo. (sigh) Everyone is dying and getting sick and times are changing, which can only mean one thing:

I am getting old.

I mean, look at me - I'm married and preggers - who thought that would ever happen? (This is a rhetorical question, y'all.) I mean, it's all good, it's just - life.

Enough of this sentimental bullshit! On to the next post! Lovins to you, Monsieur Jennings...

Zero Comments!

Zero comments - zero comments - zero comments! Your comments are my life's blood, people! You think I write this sh*t so no one will read it?! I can go buy a spiral notebook and call it a diary, people, but I can't get you to write in it! Love me like I love you...

Finally, I'd like to give a shout out to all my Harajuku Girls - from the 'Hood to Japan, it's all up, WHAT?! Shouldn't matta shouldn't matta shouldn't matta shouldn't matta...

Some Monday thoughts...

Suckball.

I like to combine two swear words, a la suckball, into one new swear word, like c*ckf*ck. That's probably the worst one there is. There are milder ones like d*ckb*tch or ballsmack. Try it. It'll make you feel better the next time you drop something or have a panic attack while you're up to your eyes in some rich guy's expenses. Unorganized, impossible expenses.

Mitch Hedberg died. I found out on Friday at a very exciting meeting with a bunch of comics - we're all going to be in an amazing show together in May! - stay tuned for more details. I wasn't a huge fan of his, mostly due to lack of exposure to his stuff, but what I have seen was pretty funny and unique. People have compared him to Steven Wright, to which he responded:

"If I made potato chips and put them in a can, people would say I was ripping off Pringles," he said. "But what if I put them in a bag?"

I am doing a paid MC gig in Jersey on Friday - 20 minutes hosting Mark DeMayo and Lisa Landry. I'm psyched. I don't want to work this week - I just want to chill and focus on comedy because things are going well and I want to keep the momentum up, not get suckballed into temp hell.

Oh - and speaking of... Insanity in Human Form just came over and yelled at me! The one 50 second break I take today to scream in silence about how I hate her and the fact that she called me in here to do work she's ignored since 2003 and she says, "Um, can you close that?" YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYY!!!

I love my life - really.

Frank Perdue was No Chicken

And while we're at honoring the dead, let's not forget Frank Perdue, the King of the Chicken Farmers, who died yesterday at age 84. Meatier may be Mightier, but it won't prevent you from meeting your maker. Here's to you, Frank Perdue, the only person who loves chickens more than Martha Stewart.

RIP, PJP

Pope John Paul II (or PJP as I call him) just died, or is about to, depending on what news sources you read. I typed this entire post under the assumption he had passed as reported by MSNBC, but apparently now they're not sure. According to ABC.com he is holding on. But regardless, I am going to post this anyway, because it will only be a short matter of time now, and I just want to get my feelings about it out. So here it is:

Pope John Paul II (or PJP as I call him) just died. Or should I say finally died? Not that I'm not sad about it - surprisingly, I am actually. I have been predicting his death for a while now (call me a psychic, I know) but I feel really bad that it actually happened. Not bad that he died - everyone has to die sometime - but more that he struggled so hard at the end to stay alive. BBC World News showed some footage of him last night trying to address the crowds on Easter, and he couldn't do it - he just couldn't speak - but he wanted to so bad, he actually grabbed his head and started crying. As much as PJP and I disagree on a lot of important issues, I was raised Catholic and he's been the Pope since way before I was born - I just feel like this is a significant loss in my life and in history. Even though he thinks a lot of archaic things, he did dedicate his life to helping people, and I truly believe that he meant to do right in everything he did and that he was in fact a very holy man. I never thought I would feel conflicted when he finally kicked it - only glad about the uber-slim chance that the church could enter the 20th century (and since we're in the 21st century now it's about time.) I've given up on that idea - and I'm okay with that - I've been Jewish on the inside for years now. I just didn't think I'd feel so much empathy for the man, but in the end, he is a regular person, just trying to do a good job at living, susceptible to making the same mistakes as the rest of us. If Jesus really is up in heaven, I'm sure he's hugging him now. I hope both my grandmothers get to meet him - they were both really big fans. My mother's mother had Parkinson's disease just like him, so I think he gave her hope in that sense. Good luck, PJP. May your passing bring you to greener pastures. I hear heaven is beautiful this time of year.

Someone just asked me if I knew any good jokes. I think I am going to die.

Him: "Hey, do you know any good jokes?"

Me: "Like knock-knock, Hey!, Hoo-ha jokes?"

Him: "No, you're a comedian. You must know some jokes."

Me: "No, comedians don't tell jokes. They emote. One of the most overused jokes by comics is, 'I hate when people say tell me a joke. I don't walk up to a fireman and say Hey, why don't you use your dick to put out a fire. Huh-huh.' But I can tell you one of my Dad's jokes if you want."

Him: "I think the time for joke telling is over."

Me: "Oooh! Good. I'm relieved."

I think we're gonna be best friends.

It's a place - 2 syllables...

1st syllable... sounds like (visual of me turning steering wheel)... no, not drive, but close... car, yes! Sounds like car! No, not jar. (Visual of me drinking.) Bar - YES! BAR!

2nd syllable... (visual of me making pottery on a wheel.) No, not massage. (Visual of me digging in the earth.) No, not dirt, but something like that... Sounds like (visual of me doing scales of justice). Okay, you're not getting that. Sounds like (visual of me handing out money.) Pay! Yes! Sounds like pay!

If you got the second syllable and you add it to the first, you can figure out where I am today. (Full name not given to protect my paycheck.) Still working for crazy lady. She's not as bad today, but that's because I did most of her work yesterday, so she doesn't really have anything to complain about. I'm actually trying to type quietly right now, for fear of being caught. Yesterday when I had a down moment I posted my one post for the day and she said, "No, you're not here to do your work, you're here to do my work." Exactly. You know it's gonna be a good day when the first thing you hear is, "Lower your voice - you talk too loud." Twice. Then she questioned my basic ability to comprehend expenses at least 10 times on top of micromanaging to the point of:

Me: "Should I print?"
Her: "No."
(pause)
Her: "Okay, now print."

Hot.

I'm gonna go now. Wish me luck! I'll be back if I can.

Love, Carolyn