Thursday, March 31, 2005
DeLay re Schiavo:
"This loss happened because our legal system did not protect the people who need protection most, and that will change," the Texas Republican said. "The time will come for the men responsible for this to answer for their behavior, but not today. Today we grieve, we pray, and we hope to God this fate never befalls another."
(Hurl, barf, up-chuck, red-faced disgust... and composure.)
Bushie re Schiavo:
"I appreciate the example of grace and dignity they have displayed at a difficult time," the president said. "I urge all those who honor Terri Schiavo to continue to work to build a culture of life where all Americans are welcomed and valued and protected, especially those who live at the mercy of others."
(Click the title of the post for the full story.)
Yeah, like prisoners and poor people? God knows you love them! And Rep. (him a new asshole) DeLay - are you really going to whip out your sword and punish the justices who are the only people sane enough to stay out of this case when what you are supposedly arguing is respect???!!!!!! I seriously think I am going to die from being freaked-out pissed-off right now. I cannot believe the kind of absolutely INSANE, IMBALANCED, UNWISE, UNINTELLIGENT, COCK-FUELED, HALF-COCKED, STUPID-ASS leadership the blue half of us are being subjected to. Seriously. And when I (and others like me) get this pissed and out-of-mind shitless scared for my own rights and liberties, I just think, "and the rest of you fuckers who voted for him deserve this." But a) they don't care and b) that's not gonna help the rest of us. So, I am going to let this go now, like the rest of the nation hopefully will. Except the danger in that of course is that we will all forget while the legislators whittle away our will with their lack of insight in their offices of hate and greed...
You know, I didn't understand why people were celebrating Hunter S. Thompson's suicide a couple weeks ago, but now I think I get it. He made a choice. My grandparents made the same choice. It hurt, but a lot of things in life hurt, you know? That doesn't mean they're not honest and real. And just because something doesn't hurt doesn't mean it's going to be painless for you in the end.
I have to go now - the insane woman I'm working for is micromanaging me and it's tough to sit and type with her in my butt-crack. Bye!
Wednesday, March 30, 2005
Anyway - here's a nice glimpse into my weekend! Enjoy!
She can't help it - it's in her genes - and will unfortunately one day be in her jeans as well.
She's so cute, right? Well, I know she looks a little crazy here, but she's really the BEST KID EVER! (Except my impending kid - who Gab thinks we should name after her. Ha!) She did give me tons of name suggestions though, my favorite being Clover. Isn't it great? It's such a rock star baby name. "Apple, meet Clover. Clover, this is Apple, Aunt Gwyneth's daughter." I love it.
This was taken from the pier at Fair Haven State Park, located on Lake Ontario, where we sojourned apres diner. You can see 1 or 2 seagulls in there I think - my sister works at an Italian restaurant and brought like 50 leftover loaves of bread to feed "the ducks" (seagulls, known in Central New York as "rats with wings.") Not only did we feed the birds, but my Dad and niece decided to get in on the free bread action, until my sister pointed out that the bread was moldy. I don't think either of them cared. Class.
Oh yes, I LOVE my new MAN SHADES! They are all the rage in LA, being worn by the likes of Drew Barrymore and Gwen Stefani, except mine only cost $5 at Wal*Mart. It was freezing by the lake, which is why Maria's face and my hair look the way they do. I kinda like that we looked trashed on Easter Sunday...
From top, clockwise:
Polish Sausage (some might say "Kielbasa," pronounced in Central New York as "Ka-ba-see")
Mashed Potatoes with Gravy
Stuffing with Gravy
Um, YUM! Right on, Mom. Nice work.
Please take note of the tablecloth.
I love toast with butter.
There - I said it. WHEW!
p.s. - I'm playing and singing "I Wanna Run To You" again. I love that song.
I wanna run to you - woo hoo!
Won't you hold me in your arms and keep me safe from harm?
I wanna run to you, but if I come to you - woo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
Tell me, will you stay or will you run away???????? NO!
Friday, March 25, 2005
The whole Good Friday thing just reminds me of how it's human nature to dwell on the negative. I can remember being a kid and having my Aunt Kathy say to me, "Carolyn, today we're supposed to focus on how Jesus suffered and died on the cross - and be thankful!" That makes no sense. "Hey dude, I'm totally glad you were tortured. Thanks a lot for doin' that. You rock! Now I get to be an asshole and a hypocrite for the rest of my life because some politicians were scared of your positive message and beat the shit out of you." (Falun-Gong anyone? I know they're annoying, but come on, some things never change...)
I think what frustrated me the most about Catholicism as a kid was that nobody focused on the happy parts of the faith - the "be nice to other people and treat them how you want to be treated" part. Everyone always had to focus on the negative and ridiculous part: "Jesus DIED so you could have that toy! Oh, you're gonna cry now? JESUS!"
I feel like I need to wrap this post up, a) because nobody likes a girl on a soapbox and b) because if we don't get outta here soon there's gonna be a procession of crying Mexican women comin' down 116 and then we'll never be able to get outta here. So, I'll end with this: all this talk of the Big J reminds me of a man I met when I lived in Chicago - Jesus. Not "Hay-seuss" Jesus - "Gee-zus" Jesus. Or at least his Number One fan. I mean, he would dress like Jesus, he had long hair like Jesus - he even carried a cross like Jesus, on the El Train. I would see this dude all time, which is good cuz you don't want to wonder where Jesus is, you know? You wanna know he's on the job and ready to help should he be needed. And he was pretty pious about the whole thing - he never really looked at people or talked, just kind of walked around or stood on the train to let his presence be known. But one night, around 9 o'clock, Jesus must have been a little tired, cuz I caught him in a moment of weakness. As the train doors were closing, Jesus caught his reflection and actually FIXED HIS HAIR! Like for a good 2 minutes. I saw him! Oh - the humanity, the vanity. Poor Jesus. Even he's susceptible to a bad hair day. Isn't it nice to know that he cares? I mean, who wants their savior to look like shit? Not me! That's why my savior is Mother Nature. She looks great all year round!
Thursday, March 24, 2005
Whitney is in rehab - again. I can't believe it, Whitney. But I Will Always Love You. I mean, don't you ever just look at that triflin' husband of yours and say Didn't We Almost Have It All? You should! This is all his fault. If only you had a better Bodyguard. You have to remember how inspirational you are girl - when I hear your music, I Wanna Dance With Somebody! Or sometimes, I Wanna Run To You. But no matter what happens with this rehab thing, Your Love is My Love, because I'm Every Woman. Remember, The Greatest Love of All is inside of you, Whitney! I'm Saving All My Love For You because You Give Good Love!
Signed, your number one fan (who doesn't actually own any of your records but does have two of your songs on a mix tape!) - Carolyn
p.s. - CRACK IS WACK!
p.p.s. - You know, come to think of it, I can't blame everything on Bobby. I mean after all, your Aunt Dionne could have stepped in - I mean, That's What Friends Are For. Especially if they're Psychic Friends. She should have seen this coming...
Wednesday, March 23, 2005
I'm sure most of you know this, (you techno-savvy e-hounds!) but I figure since you're here you might be looking for something to read; check out the Flickr blog and find out about how they got acquired by Yahoo!
Methinks that Yahoo! and Google will become fast friends, no? There hasn't been a burgeoning relationship this exciting since the speculation about Angelina and Brad dating! (And by exciting I mean something only a few people care about but that at least doesn't involve work.)
Have fun today, y'all!
Tuesday, March 22, 2005
No, you know what? You don't even deserve my sarcastic Thank You.
Monday, March 21, 2005
This is the name of the company that makes the chocolate pizza. It's called The Chocolate Pizza Company! I love it! They are located in Marcellus, NY, not too far from my hometown, actually. If you want to order some for yourself - you can get to their website from here - I was so impressed with the concept I added them to my link list on the right - they are right before my new Weather Pixies! (Please check those out, too.)
Out of boredom comes the fruit of insanity! Ha ha ha ha! (But I love the way it's lookin' around here...)
This incredible discovery came to me via edicius - and Thank God cuz I think I was having one of the worst days of my life! Not for any particular reason other than the fact that my soul is being sucked out of me by the corporate hell I'm in, but it's nothing a little CHOCOLATE PIZZA can't fix! Yeah, baby! OW!
If I had a truckload of cash just sitting around - I'd buy every t-shirt on the Busted Tees website! (Provided that the truck was filled with $100's as opposed to $1's - I mean, there are some shoes I want, too.) You gotta check that sh*t out cuz it's FUNNY! (And saving me from suicide right now. Do you think I should send them a Thank You email?)
The Investment Bank Blues
Wearing sneakers not shoes
To try and stomp my blues
I feel so used
The Investment Bank Blues
Gonna drown my sorrows in food
From the Investment Bank Blues
Showed up this morning
Lookin' pretty as hell
Then I met my boss
Mean old Mr. Bell
I do my work
Answer the phone real swell
But he's decided
To make my life hell
That's why I got the blues...
I got the Down Dirty Investment Bank Blues!
Feel like I wanna die,
But I'll just go in the bathroom and cry -
I got the lowdown, nasty, all-out trashy,
Mean-old cranky, somebody just spank me -
Cuz I'm working for the man!
I GOT THE INVESTMENT BANKING BLUES!
Thursday, March 17, 2005
Oh my God I love St. Patrick's Day! And not so much because I am a huge drunk (can't wait to get tanked on Sprite this year!) but mostly because St. Patrick's Day is a holiday close to my heart. My family is sort of Irish (we're pale anyway) and where I grew up (in what I know now is the Whitest Town in America) everyone donned green turtlenecks and shamrock earrings from the drug store (I guess they get them at Wal*Mart now, or maybe the gas station) and got really, really psyched. About what, I don't know, because there was no parade or anything - but I guess the drinking and the cabbage were enough to go buck wild over. Which makes sense, since there are more bars than people in Oswego, and more people than jobs, which makes cabbage a special treat, I guess. To the average Oswegonian, beer is like water, which is probably a good thing since our reservoir, Lake Ontario, is home to a nuclear power plant. I guess that's why we feel so comfortable wearing green...
I think the show I was supposed to do tonight got cancelled, so I'm thinking about partying instead. And when I say partying, I mean whipping out my Irish Folk Songs sheet music and playing some mean 2 octave synthesizer while belting Danny Boy high on Shamrock Shakes, son! Don't mess with this gangsta-biatch, or I will funk you up to the tune of When Irish Eyes are Smiling so hard you'll think you were smacked upside the head with the Blarney Stone, Erin!
If you're gonna be alone tonight (like me) why not try out this hot recipe from the Guiness website? It's real classy, yo:
Package of crackers (get the nice ones, not saltines like your grandma eats.)
1 8 oz. package cream cheese, softened
1 8 oz. package processed cheese (like Velveeta)
1/2 Guiness Draught in a bottle, room temperature
1 clove garlic, peeled and crushed (if this is too hard, buy the already minced type (in the jar) or totally take the easy way out and get garlic powder. NOT garlic SALT - garlic POWDER. There's a difference.)
1. In a medium-sized bowl, whip everything but the crackers together. Toss it in the microwave to get the cheese to soften. When your arm gets tired, have a friend or neighbor whip it for a while. Or better yet, invest in an electric mixer. Continue whipping until smooth. Drink remaining 1/2 bottle of Guiness - just to get it off the counter.
2. Put dip in the nicest bowl you have, and serve it with the crackers. Tip: Take the crackers out of the box and put them on a plate, if you own one.
3. Reward yourself for all your hard work with a Guiness Draught in a bottle.
Editor's Note: If you are pregnant, substitute an O'Doul's for the Guiness. Should work since both beers are authentic Irish, via St. Louis, MO and Stamford, CT, respectively.
Wednesday, March 16, 2005
Also wondering what prompts a grown woman to have a mini Bratz doll on her desk, but I guess I shouldn't talk since when I left my last position here Angelena said, "I was so sad when I came in this morning and noticed your Hello Kitty bank and your Miss Piggy screen saver were gone!"
It's always someone's birthday in the Investment Banking industry. I just heard "Happy Birthday, Milton!" Yes, Happy Birthday Milton. Does this mean I'll be forced to order an ice cream cake later today? And smile while I cut it into pieces lovingly for all these strangers? And laugh while wealthy 30-somethings jauntily toss the pigskin around like back in their college days?
Oh, man. I gotta get a movie deal, yo. It's only 9:27...
Tuesday, March 15, 2005
Now I can't wait to have a baby so I can send into Ellen's "Celebrity Babies" or "Dance With Me" segments! I will co-host someday. Someday...
Friday, March 11, 2005
Okay, dudes. It's official. Everyone's favorite Undiscovered Superstar is having a frickin' kid! Went to the doctor yesterday for the first time - it's comin' out October 14. I feel a little bit like Elisabeth Hasselbeck, except a lot cooler and way smarter. (And, okay, chubbier, but who cares? I'm gonna be gettin' even bigger now! Can't wait!)
So, there you have it. It's as simple as the birds and the bees, ABC's and 123's. Before I take off, I'd like to give a shout out to my Baby Daddy! And one to my husband, too. HEY! HO!
Wednesday, March 09, 2005
Anyway - the ad goes on to say, "When you have a baby you learn fast what matters and what doesn't. Showers don't." What?! First of all, in the magazine printed right here before my eyes there is no period after "what doesn't." No hyphen, no comma or anything - but I couldn't do that to you on the blog because bad punctuation and grammar drives me crazy. Unless it's purposely done to sound vernacular, which I do a lot, cuz you know, I'm down, but come on, this is a magazine ad! Anyway, the next fragment after "Showers don't." is "Sanity does." Exactly! Which is why your ass should be taking some time to take a goddamn shower, girl! Hello? "Calgon, Take Me Away!" and all that? What is wrong with you? Could anyone possibly find more sanity in smelling like yesterday's undies than in feeling and smelling like kiwi-melon goodness? I hope not.
Lastly, the end of the ad says, "We'll stick by your side for all of it. Even if you never shower again." No. Come on! Lord knows ain't nobody stickin' by no one who's never gonna shower AGAIN! Jesus Christ! This magazine should be shut down for endangering the lives of mothers, which in turn endangers the lives of children. "babytalk" - please! It should be called DIRT BABY and have a picture of Pigpen on the cover! Their website is http://www.babytalk.com. It may look cute on the outside, but I wouldn't get too close... Unless you watch a lot of Sesame Street and really like Oscar the Grouch. Which case, I guess this really is the magazine for you.
Tuesday, March 08, 2005
When a downtrodden housewife on Dr. Phil wears a sweater that you own, should you shoot yourself or hang yourself?
Now, normally, when I am "in-between jobs," I'd rush awake at the sound of the alarm everyday and call the temp agency like a good little girl. But today I decided to languish in bed to the sound of the raindrops, which are now snowflakes. Great! Like I'm gonna do anything of use to myself now! I was gonna go pull plastic bags out of trees in Central Park with Bette Midler, but with this weather, I don't know.
I do have a show tonight - Chicks and Giggles at Raga on 6th between 1st and A. 8:30 - FREE! (Check http://chicksandgiggles.blogspot.com for the lineup.) Sorry - normally I'd do a fancy link and formatting at all, but you know, in the "home office" (bedroom/den) we have a Mac, and you know how that is...
Other than the job stuff, I'm depressed Bubba is in the hospital again. Do you think Bush Sr. put something in his Mai Tai on this latest trip to Southeast Asia? No, I'm just kidding. I know he would never do that. It was probably Bush Jr.
Anyway - I think I'm gonna go on unemployment. I have never gone on unemployment, and everyone else I know that performs in this city has, so the way I see it, it's just my turn. And besides, it'll only be for a month, because they want me back at "the bank" in April. Who knows? Maybe with tons of time on my hands (beside the time I spend making Ramen noodles, but that only takes 5 minutes twice a day, that's nothin') I may just write my way into a new job or Superstardom after all. Why just yesterday I got offered a paying gig in Allentown, PA! Hollywood, get ready! First PA, then LA, baby, yeah!
Okay. It's still snowing. I just checked. This sucks balls. Maybe a good laugh tonight is just what everyone needs...
Until then, think on this haiku:
Snow sucks. I hate it.
Maybe I should move out West?
I like rats too much.
Friday, March 04, 2005
Just saw Walter Cronkite at China Grill. First of all, let me just say that man has some big ass brows! You could braid that shit and wrap them around the back of his head and tie them in a bow! Secondly, why was I at China Grill, you ask? Because my 23 year old boss is awesome and took me out for a goodbye lunch there! Oh, boy - if you ever get the chance to eat there, please do. I had partaken in the Duck Salad before as the recipient of leftovers brought back to the office by benevolent salespeople, but never sat down for the full experience. Amazing!
In addition to the Duck Salad, we had Lobster Pancakes and Szechwan Tenderloin - and - it just keeps getting better - my friend Brook (who I used to wait tables with on 42nd Street at a swanky* restaurant with a very exclusive clientele** was our waiter) and gave us a free dessert! I don't know what it's called, but it's some chocolaty thing with creme fresh on top with a scoop of creme fresh on the side... which I thought was ice cream even though we didn't eat it until we got back to the office 30 minutes after he gave it to us and it never dawned on me that it was amazing it hadn't melted yet... so I took a huge bite of it and said, "Ugh! This ice cream tastes like shit!" You can take the girl out of Oswego, but...
Anyway, Brook is in a band and Lewis Black is apparently one of his biggest fans... Plus another 42nd Street friend named Kate now works there, too, and she is doing a reading of The Food Chain tomorrow night and Into the Woods in the next couple weeks, so it was good to see they're doing well. They used to be big into slamming at the Bowery Poetry Club, like my fellow blogger Rich Villar who I met at WYSIWYG. I wonder if they've ever met?...
All in all, it's been a great day today. The sun is shining in midtown, the air is crisp, and I feel less hairy than I have in a while. Thanks Walt, for putting things in perspective for me. And a big shout out to my peeps at "the bank!" If you're reading this, I'll miss you! If you're not, that says it all, huh? ;)
*By swanky, I mean covered in BBQ sauce.
**By exclusive clientele, I mean the kind that exclude the tip.
Thursday, March 03, 2005
Wednesday, March 02, 2005
You gotta be kidding me! Whoever booked Slipnot for mainstream late nite TV is insane! If you think Marilyn Manson is slightly left of center, these guys are off the charts! I think Conan must have been hiding under his desk the entire time they "played." WTF, dude? It's not Halloween. I understand the need to wear makeup on stage, believe me, but there's KISS and then there's crack. That's all I'm sayin'.
Oh my God - I don't know if you've heard of this girl or not, but watch out! Cuz she is really on the rise. Her name is Tyra Banks, and she's a 20-something "slashie" (model/actor) who not only graces the pages of Sports Illustrated and Victoria's Secret, but also stars on a show called "America's Next Top Model," already in Season 4! I can't believe more people haven't heard of this girl! But, don't worry, she'll be a household name soon enough when she starts her daytime talk show and simultaneously releases her debut CD! Wow - this girl must be seriously talented!
Good luck, Tyra Banks! Showbiz is tough, but if you stick to it long enough, you'll get there one day... I just know it! You're too pretty not to win! (You might want to look into that skin disease, though. Red bumps are one thing, but blue dots? I don't know...)