Laugh-Out-Loud Funny Play by Play of Oscars

Click the title. I wish I'd done that. Damn me for having friends!

ROCKSCARS

Aw-ight. Chris Rock was not as brilliant as I thought he'd be. He was good - he shook up the Hollywood scene with his roast-style jokes, but even Oprah made a face at one point. (And everybody knows, you should not piss off Oprah. Just ask Letterman.) Every time the camera panned to Robin Williams while Rock was talking I felt like he was thinking, "Okay, not particularly funny, but I'm Jewish so I should clap in solidarity." I did love Rock's bit at the Michael Jordon theatre where he interviewed "real people" about the movies they've seen. And even though it was probably seriously stupid of him to rip on people the stature of Jude Law, Sean Penn is still a pathetic asshole for having no sense of humor whatsoever. He must have smoked something before he got up to present - I swear to god his pants were unbuttoned...

Aside from Renee Zellweger's knees being stapled together, and the fact that she had a drippy Texas drawl when she was chewin' the fat with Billy Bush yet 30 minutes later when she presented she was a prim and proper Yankee girl, nothing much else pissed me off. I wanted Annette to win, she didn't. I wanted Don to win. He didn't. I wanted Sophie to win. She didn't. Antonio Banderas was ridiculous signing "Al Otro Lado Del Río," or "El Otro Latro Del Rio" if you're Prince. When Jorge Drexler came up and sang the song as his acceptance speech it was priceless. He was so cute, and he had his moment of "Ha, bitches, this is my song and even though I'm not a famous Latino I'm gonna sing it!" Ciao. I personally thought the whole pairing of Penelope and Salma together was ridiculous - I know they're friends, but they looked like they wanted to cut each other the whole time they were up there! My friend Laura at "the bank" thinks it's because they were freaked out about which one would be called more beautiful by the press. Penelope's pretty, but Salma is HOT!

No discussion of Oscar night would be complete without mentioning Beyonce's ever changing eyeshadow. From lime green to jet black to silvery gray, she sure did show off her lids! If only her pronunciation of French were half as good as her makeup artist...

If you're into fashion, here's a good slide show (you have to click Academy Award Fashion at the top) with commentary from the ladies at GoFugYourself.com. They have some good post-party stuff on their site, too.

Lastly - the big speeches: Best Actor Jamie Foxx... Adorable daughter (on the left), annoying sense of righteousness. Hillary Swank... terrible dress, "I'm just a girl from a trailer park" and "I don't know what I did to deserve this" just don't fly with me (because if you don't know what you did to deserve it, chances are you didn't do that much). To quote Nichelle, "Chad Lowe is such a bottom."

Another fascinating game of browser bar roulette!

So many of the websites that I want to exist don't yet, like:

iamawesome.com

iheartjesus.com

iamawasteofspace.com

However, stupidbitch.com and fatasshole.com do both exist, but I imagine they are porn sites since I am not allowed to view them at "the bank." I thought they would be fun names for personal websites, but not so much as pages and pages of those archetypes naked.

Here's another interesting tidbit:

Try typing prettyprettyprincess.com into your browser bar. Were you redirected to Hasbro.com? AMAZING, right? But if you type just prettyprincess.com, you get what looks on the outside like Renaissance art (with a little somethin' extra) but is really a cover page for consentingadults.org. I figured I'd get blocked if I tried entering the site, and I'm pretty sure they count how many times you get the Warning! page and wouldn't be surprised if there was a number that is termination-worthy, so I didn't click. But then I went back, and I figured, "It's Friday, what the hell!" so I clicked - and guess what? IT'S SOME CRAZY CHRISTIAN WEBSITE! NO WAIT - IT GETS BETTER - IT'S FOR CRAZY CHRISTIANS WHO ARE CALLING FOR "MORE BREAST EXPOSURE" AND THE "LEGALIZATION OF PROSTITUTION!"

Oh, Thank You, Jesus. That is exactly what I needed today. Especially since there's no beer cart. If you get a chance, read the press releases. He's trying to masquerade himself as a liberal but really he's just a masochist. Fascinating.

Alright - I'm outta here. I got a man at home who comes from the land where prostitution is legal, and I'm sure he'd like to see some breasts...

Good thing I made chicken! HEY!

Mac Sucks

Click the title - this website is great! Funny! Ha!

If you refresh the front page the quote changes. Ha!

An Apple a Day Sends Your iPod Away

So, in case you didn't catch "Shame on You" last night (though why you would miss it I have no idea) - iPod officially sucks. You pay $250 for the thing only for your battery to completely stop working in a year and a half, then you have to pay $99 to send it in to Apple to get your "battery changed," except when you get your iPod back, it's not your iPod! It's somebody else's used iPod, "refurbished" of course. Oh, and p.s. - you also lose all your music. HOT!

Now, I'm not sayin' this is the Lord's way of punishing people who are obsessed with having the newest technology and have too much excess cash on their hands, but I am sayin' that said people are now SCREWED. I feel bad, really, but for the first time in my life I also feel really lucky to be poor.

Here are some resources if you'd like to learn more:

From some guys who got screwed and had the balls to do something about it:

http://ipodsdirtysecret.com/index.html

(You have to have QuickTime to view the movie - how ironic...)

And since every story has two sides, Apple's replacement policy (which is really hard to find on their site - deeply buried in the coffers of deceit):

http://www.apple.com/support/ipod/service/battery.html

If you have an iPod and you want to change your battery yourself, try:

http://www.smalldog.com/wag14012/

It's only $30, and you get to keep YOUR iPod.

Sorry, dudes. Apple sucks. On this anyway. I still love iPhoto, but everything else, eh. I think it's time Apple looked into its core and figured out who they are. I thought you were special, Apple. But apparently Macintosh is no Golden Delicious. This is one Apple that's left a bad taste in a lot of people's mouths.

Just as Black - Just as Talented

Now presenting: Don Cheadle, your Oscar Alternative!

The Corsair has a very funny/interesting anti-Jamie Foxx rant on his site today. Click here and tell me what you think!

I can't wait for Sunday - the party, the food, the outfits! You don't have to be famous to be fabulous! East Harlem is gonna rock - if you see a red carpet streaming down 120th Street between 2nd & 3rd Ave. - don't be alarmed. Just take your shoes off.

The Pope's at the End of His Rope

Dude - I said it last week at a show and I'm gonna say it right here on the blog - I seriously think PJP is gonna kick it, you guys! Woah. This is the moment my generation of Catholics has been waiting for since we were born: a chance to take back the night! This could mean the chance for Catholicism to get its ass out of the dark ages and step into the light - giving women the right to be priests and priests and gays (or even gay priests, gawd fabid...) the right to get married, and of course preaching family planning beyond the rhythm method (which we all know has worked so well over the years - just ask my husband and his 9 other siblings.) But, it's not gonna happen. I know that so solidly I'm not even gonna bother getting my hopes up about it, which is really pretty sad. One look at the way the new Pope is selected should tell you how archaic the whole process is. And that's starting from the premise that John Paul was controversial for letting go of Latin. My mother went to Catholic school back in the day when it was okay for the nuns to rap your hands with a ruler and pull your hair if you misbehaved, so according to her, we've come a long way. Of course we haven't, and I don't really want to get into the whole abuse thing here just because it's been so over-discussed and is almost passe by now, but still, I will say that it's no surprise that the priesthood is in the state it's in when my friend's mom, in dealing with him coming out said, "Have you thought about becoming a priest?" 2 of the priests who were practicing when I was a kid have now been excommunicated. Now there's no excuse for touching children - and I'm not trying to make one - but what did they expect would happen to men who have no sexual release? It reminds me of Sheryl Underwood's joke (and I paraphrase): "That would never happen in a black church, because in a black church the old lady who reads the announcements would stand-up and say, "Reverend Jones is not with us anymore because he was touchin' the children. And I would like to thank Reverend Smith and Deacon Perry for goin' over to Reverend Jones' house and kickin' his ass."

One thing I have never understood is why Catholicism hasn't learned more from its parent company, Judaism. I mean, look. Jews were smart enough over the years to say, "Fine. We can't all agree on everything. So you hang out wearing your payes and tzitzis washing your two sets of dishes - I'm off to be on the CBST GLBT float in the Gay Pride parade." (The picture's worth looking at - I guarantee it'll brighten your day.) But Catholics have nowhere to turn when they feel dissatisfied with the rules - they just have to leave the church. I'm speaking for myself here, but I think in general if you were raised pretty deeply in a faith that you don't believe in anymore, it's hard to find something new that feels like the right fit. I've flirted with Judaism, I've kissed Unitarian Universalism, and I've done some serious heavy petting with the Episcopalians. But none of it felt exactly right. It felt awkward choosing to be chosen, so I abandoned that idea. The UU's were either too hippie-dippy or completely unaware of how ridiculous they sound (like the congregation of only rich white people on 79th Street and Lexington Ave. talking about eradicating racism - or the pastor who is so open to "all faiths" he welcomes Atheists to the fold.) The Episcopals almost had me with their C2 version of Catholicism, but there's just something too foreign about their Shakespearean Preparation of the Eucharist. In the Catholic mass when the priest says, "Let us give thanks to the Lord our God" you respond, "It is right to give him thanks and praise," which is a little uptight and pious, but could also be infused with some soul if you were really feelin' it. But in the Episcopal service the people respond, "It is meet and right to do so." I can't help but say that in my Queen Elizabeth voice. I'm sorry, but the whole Body of Christ thing is bad enough (when I was kid that really grossed me out) so I don't wanna hear the word meat during mass, even if it is spelled differently.

I guess the whole point I'm getting to is, there just seems to be no place for religion in my life, with or without PJP. I do believe in God and I think it's very important to be a good person, but the only way I've found to truly share that spirit is through performing. Now I ain't trying to pray to the church of me or nothin', but doing stand-up and making people laugh through that spirit of generosity is probably more uplifting for the audience than any bullshit they're gonna hear from an old man in a linen frock. Ha! That just reminded me of Jenny Rubin's joke about the priest who can't stop laughing at funerals. Now that's funny! (Sorry if you've never seen it. I guess you'll just have to come out more, won't you?)

All I can say is, I wish PJP the best. I hope the poor man retires before he dies, just so he can enjoy his last few days in peace. But, that's not gonna happen, either. He's been shot, he's got Parkinson's - the man is a machine. It'll be interesting to see what happens after he's gone. Maybe then he won't be the only man allowed to wear a tiara and a white dress to church.

Words to Live By...

This just made my day! Photo courtesy Brownie Points via All Cupcakes, All the Time. Fries, Brownies and Cupcakes all in one post? I think I'm going into a food coma right now...

Shawn Hollen...who? a Huge Success!

Last night was the opening night of Shawn Hollen... who? at The Duplex. The show was great, the house was packed, I had the best time! Shawn is so funny, we all sounded great together and most importantly, I didn't look uber-fat! (I'm sure it was the eye shadow.) If you didn't make it out last night, try to come next Tuesday, March 1. This show is really worth it - very entertaining and only an hour long.

On a side note... Mr. Dan Abrams from MSNBC was there as a guest of a cast member. (I'll leave it to you to figure out who.) Dan, if you're reading this (and I know you are) I'm sorry we didn't get to meet last night. I turned around at the bar and our eyes met, but then you walked away. I know you're on TV and everything, but I've been on TV too, dude. Don't you watch Style Court?!

One more thing - Dan, why do you spell your blog, "blawg?" What up, dawg? I don't get it. I'm guessing it's a law thing, but still... I feel like it's sort of like spelling comedy with a 'K' because it's "Krazy!" But, I'll give it to you, because frankly, you're hot. However, I love that you are as upset about the hockey situation as I am. Too bad I'm married... We coulda made a great couple. We could have gone out for jawgs, eaten ribs made from hawgs, chopped trees and split lawgs... it woulda been KRAZY!

Did I mention Dan Abrams is HOT? Jesus, he's hot!

I cannot tell a lie...

Since we're talking about President's Day, I shouldn't neglect to mention the man the big bridge to Jersey is named after. (Ooh, interesting: Lincoln Tunnel, George Washington Bridge - huh? Huh?) But frankly, I don't care as much about George Washington as I do Abe Lincoln. I don't know why - I guess Big G just never did anything to endear himself to me. I mean, yeah, he was the commander-in-chief and everything, but, he had slaves and Abe helped end slavery so I'm thinkin' George just looses this one hands down. Plus the whole wooden teeth thing - that's just gross. I'm sorry, but my Dad has modern, shiny porcelain false teeth and I think they're kinda disgusting; I can't imagine what it's like getting a splinter in your gums...

But oh - snap! This just in! GW's teeth were NOT MADE OF WOOD! Woah - my bad, y'all. This is some serious sh*t. People have been getting this wrong for years, and I think it's time to set the record straight: his teeth were actually made of gold, ivory, lead, human and animal teeth. (Apparently animals of choice back in the day were horse and donkey.) Whew! Thank God! That's much less disgusting...

Okay - have to go meet Gabe now for lunch. Me and my real teeth...

Thanks for the day off, Abe!

Hope everyone who was fortunate enough not to work yesterday enjoyed it! We had a lovely little snow day here in New York and everything was just perfect. The air was crisp, it smelled clean, I had Two Boots Pizza... HOT!

Hey kids, here's a fun game to get us back on track after a day off! What's your favorite slice of Two Boots Pizza? Mine is "The Bird" - Buffalo chicken wings, blue cheese dressing, scallions, jalapenos on a white pie. Mmm! If you've never been there, just click the link above and look at the menu and let me know what you think!

This pisses me off way more than Harvard-boy...

Bush signed a bill against class-action lawsuits. (Click the title for the full story.) You know those things that help people who get hurt by huge, powerful companies who don't exactly need anybody's help since (a) they are really powerful (b) the big wigs who work there are filthy rich and (c) oh, wait, they're not people. (Well, sort of.)

It's a good thing Morgan Stanley bond saleswoman Allison Schieffelin won her suit back in July cuz she'd be shit out of luck now. And thank God the Wal*Mart chicks had their class-action status approved this summer, because let's face it: the only thing worse than being dicked by The Man is being dicked by the men who work with you at Wal*Mart.

But get this: Wal*Mart appealed the case in September, saying women aren't a real class of people. I mean, who do women think they are? Black people? Please.

Which reminds me... I know it's not March yet, so it's really not appropriate for me to be talking about all this grrl stuff when Women's History Month is still 11 days off. It's Black History Month right now. So instead of getting up in arms over all this "discrimination against women," (it's bullshit - just ask Ann Coulter) let me stay on topic and talk about black people.

Here's the good news: It's Black History Month and Chris Rock is hosting the Oscars. That's great! He's only the second black person ever to host the Oscars. The other one was Whoopi Goldberg. She has hosted the Oscars 4 times. I think he will be a great host, though I hope next year they pick Ellen. (But not because she's white. Just because I love her.) She was great at the Emmy's in '01. According to Chris Rock, the only reason he got picked over her this year is because she has crabs. Chris Rock is funny and just might shake things up a bit this year, so hopefully the Oscars won't be the snore the Globes were...

Beyonce is singing three songs at the Oscars. As you already know, she is the most important black person - ever.

Only 8 black people have won Oscars. 10 awards have been given, but two went to Denzel Washington and two to Sidney Poitier. Only 3 of the winners have been women. Hattie McDaniel, Whoopi Goldberg and Halle Berry (official website first discovered by Chelsea Peretti - you should check it out - it's baaaad.) Whoopi is the only person ever to have hosted and won. She is also the only person who has won an Oscar, a Golden Globe, an Emmy, a Tony, a Grammy, a People's Choice Award, a Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Award, a Kennedy Center Mark Twain Prize for American Humor and an NAACP Image Award. She is the most impressive person on earth (even though her one person show sort of sucked.)

Jamie Foxx is up for 2 Oscars this year - maybe he will win them both?! Don Cheadle and Sophie Okonedo are both up for Hotel Rwanda and Morgan Freeman is up for Million Dollar Baby. That's 6 black people up for Oscars this year! Plus I'm sure Halle and Denzel will be in the audience... I imagine Cuba Gooding, Jr. will be there, and of course the cast of Ray... Will and Jada Pinkett-Smith will be there - plus I'd be remiss not to mention Jay-Z and Puffy. Holy shit! There might be 50 black people in a house of 3,500! We've come a long way, baby...

I just want you all to know that I called the Kodak Theatre to find out how many seats they have BECAUSE I AM A PROFESSIONAL JOURNALIST COMMITTED TO FINDING THE TRUTH.

All in all what looks like a shitty month for women looks like a great month for black people, so I guess it evens out! Unless you're Whoopi Goldberg or Halle Berry. But then again, why should they care if they suck at science? They're awesome actors! It's all good...

Science

The President of Harvard said women suck at science; the President of Yale is getting criticized for not joining the Presidents of MIT, Princeton and Stanford in denouncing Harvard-boy's comments. (What I don't get is why MIT and Stanford piped up since they're not "Ivy League" and yet the rest of the Ivy's haven't said anything. I guess I can see the MIT thing since they are like THE science school. Can you imagine anyone being like, "Yeah, I go to MIT for theatre. This year we're doing Proof, The Secret Death of Salvador Dali and Einstein! The Musical.") Anyway, that's not the point of my story. My point is (and I do have one... Oh, Ellen...) I don't actually give a shit that the President of Harvard made a complete ass of himself by proving that sexist pigs still run the old boys clubs of this country. Is that really a big surprise? I'm not good at science, but I don't think it's because I'm a woman. I think it's because most of the science teachers I had made it so fricking boring I had absolutely no interest in it whatsoever. But I like learning about the environment and the earth and the way it works - I loved looking at the dinosaur exhibit at the Natural History Museum in London - I'm just not interested in memorizing the Periodic Table of Elements. I am, however, interested in memorizing the Period Table of Beer Styles.

Here's an interesting statistic: women drink 25% of the beer sold in the US, yet women constitute approximately 20% of science and engineering departments nationwide. More of us like beer than science. Is this because we are fundamentally different than men? Or is this because beer is more interesting than science? You decide.

I'll tell you what. In the meantime, why don't you think about all these women who are/were interested in science:

Marie Curie (won 2 Nobel prizes!)

Florence Nightingale (a nurse, yes, but made huge improvements in the field of medicine and used a lot of statistics in her work, maybe more of a mathematician, but still, one smart cookie.)

Rosalind Franklin (pioneering work on structure of DNA)

Natalie Angier (author of the fantastic book Woman: An Intimate Geography)

And many more here...

If thinking about how amazing these women are stresses you out, don't worry. You can always kick back and relax with a nice frosty brew, open a bag of pretzels, turn on the basketball game, scratch your crotch and fart til the cows come home. (Guys, don't worry - despite our innate differences, the same relaxation technique has been proven to work for men, too.)

Back the Bid, Biatch!

Okay - we all know there's been a lot of talk about the infamous "West Side Stadium." Do firefighters really think it's a bad idea? Or are those not "real firefighters?" Are area residents really upset about the prospect of their neighborhood getting cleaned up? Is this all about Cablevision (the owners of Madison Square Garden) trying to maintain a monopoly in Manhattan? Here's some quick back-story I just read in New York Magazine:

The MTA currently owns the plot of land on the far west side where the stadium is proposed to be built. There are two bids to buy the land, the first from the Jets, the second from Cablevision. (On a side note, Ed Anzalone, the "real firefighter" in the pro-stadium commercial is a HUGE Jets fan. Here's a picture.) The city and state are on the side of the Jets, and have pledged to add $600 million to the billion-plus the Jets have pledged to buy the land and build the stadium. The Dolan family (Cablevision) have offered the MTA $600 million dollars for the land to build a hotel, apparently because they fear competition from another sports venue. But here's what I don't get: in the end, this is about more than a stadium for the Jets. This is about cleaning up the west side, bringing revenue into the city and creating jobs in addition to helping secure the NYC 2012 Olympic Bid in which Madison Square Garden is listed as the scheduled site for the basketball competition. So why are the Dolan's freaking out? Maybe because this has less to do with local sports and the Olympics and more to do with how the new stadium might threaten its domination as a concert venue. After all, hockey was cancelled this year and who knows about next, so there's lost revenue right there without the Rangers. So in the end, instead of this being about the greater good, about bringing something as world class as the Olympics here to the greatest city on earth (if you're not hearing trumpets you should be) which potentially means a true revitalization for everyone in this town, this is about some money-grubbing jackass who doesn't want Cher to be able to do her 10th farewell tour somewhere else.

Now I'm not saying that $600 million of taxpayer dollars should go to a sports venue over the public schools or the fire and police departments. But the point is, our governments are not gonna throw that money their way no matter whether the stadium gets built or not - especially Pataki's half. I personally wish the people behind NYC 2012 would see the stadium as a separate issue and just plan to have it built if we get the Olympics and not worry about it til then. But, apparently other candidate cities have at least one major venue that could be used in the Games already, so I think NYC is just sweating a bit.

The bottom line is, I think having the Olympics here, despite the cheesy signs in the subway that say things that don't make sense like, "Friends of friends of friends will be there" and "No one is a stranger" would be amazing and be nothing but positive for the city for years and years to come. But, I'm just a Cockeyed Optimist who really loves Rhythmic Gymnastics. So, we'll see on July 6th (my Dad's bday!) how it all goes down. Until then, I've got my fingers crossed.

Comedy is Funny

Went to see my friend Nick at Gotham last night. I hadn't been there in a while. Saw Lori Sommer and Jessica Kirson - that was nice - I always love seeing them - ran into Simi Cohen and Mark Burritt (I'm doing his show next Thursday) and Mike Cotayo performed - that was a nice surprise. My friends Drew and Perry were there - I didn't really get to talk to them because I had to cruise right after the show. I was actually glad I stayed til the end because Ted Alexandro closed. He's just funny. I mean, what he does seems so effortless - it's really a craft. There are many roads to funny and I don't care which one you take as long as you end up making me laugh, but there's something really special about Ted. He's natural. He doesn't push or talk about anything controversial or nutty - in fact most of the time he speaks pretty quietly. But there's just something about his face - his body - his feelings, really. He is telling you his story. He makes you laugh at the truth we all share as humans. I don't mean to sound so academic about it, but frankly, it's refreshing and impressive. And like I said before, I don't want or expect everyone to be like him - in fact, I think what makes him so great is that there aren't a lot of people like him. Anyway - that's enough of that. I suppose I could give you a "Ted, if you're reading this..." but you know what? He's not. And today I don't feel like embellishing, so I guess I'll just leave it at that.

p.s. - Forgot to say that Emo Phillips was there. Has anyone ever seen him before? Interesting. One liners, goofy persona. He was working out his set for Conan on Friday. I know he's pretty famous and he's been around forever... he looks really cute in his picture downstairs at Gotham - he has this spikey haircut and hip glasses - but last night he was sporting a page boy 'do that made him look the the kid on the Dutch Boy paint cans. Hmm. Comedy is funny.

REGIS ALERT!

NEWS FLASH: REGIS PHILBIN JUST WALKED INTO THE MIDDLE OF THE CONFERENCE I'M WORKING AT THE PIERRE HOTEL AND JUST STARTED BULLSHITTING WITH THE 20 PEOPLE HANGING OUT IN THE REGISTRAION AREA. THIS IS HILARIOUS! HE LOOKS AMAZING!

REGIS, IF YOU'RE READING THIS (AND I KNOW YOU ARE) I THINK I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU. YOU ARE SO HANDSOME AND YOUR WIFE IS SO PRETTY (OH YES, I GOT SOME JOY ACTION, TOO.) WILL YOU BE MY VALENTINE?

I'm sorry - that was hilarious. Regis Philbin is just like my Dad - except famous. They're both tiny, loud and funny. Oh, except Regis is FILTHY, STINKING RICH. Sorry, Dad. But you work the short jacket just like he does, though he did ask us for stock tips, and um, the only stock my Dad has any interest in has the prefix "live." I asked him what he was doing here and he said, "What am I doing here? Ha!" in that typical Regis tone. I think he was planning a party, because I heard them say something like, "Oh, then we can use this room, blah blah blah." I have to say, his brief presence really did brighten my day. That's what comedy is all about. That random little joy you can give to people.

Ha!

p.s. - By the way, I totally called him "Rege" like he was my boyfriend. HOT. "What's up, Rege?" "How ya doin', Rege?" "Did you watch Ellen today, Rege?" Ha!

Subway Eye for the Queer Guys

I'm sure most of you who live in New York have seen these ads on the subway platform... but you might not have taken the time to notice the important political commentary attached to it masquerading itself as common graffiti. Now, sure there's your typical, "All fags must die" and "I hope you get AIDS" blah blah bullspit. (Way to be original, you bigoted a-holes!) But much more interesting to me is the myriad of comments written by gay and/or metrosexual men who are pissed and want an open forum to dispute the Fab Five's fabulousness.

Here are some samples of the graffiti I've seen so far:

In reference to Carson "Fashion Savant" Kressley's suit:

"This outfit is hideous!"

In reference to Ted "Food and Wine Connoisseur" Allen's Powder Blue suit:

"Nice Tie."

In reference to the above comments:

"Now, now, these men are clearly our fashion superiors and as straight men we should listen to everything they say."

And, lastly, my personal favorite...

In regards to Jai "Culture Vulture" Rodriguez's retro leather jacket a la Michael Jackson circa "Beat It:"

"Nice zipper."

Unfortunately, I haven't seen that much commentary on the "Straight Girl" side of the poster, perhaps because:

a) Gay/straight men care less about this show.
b) Gay/straight women care less about this show.
c) No one at all cares about this show.

Has anyone even watched this show? And why is there a lesbian on this show? Isn't the whole point of the Queer Eye series to bring someone in who isn't like you to open you up to a new sense of style? Since Honey Labrador is "lipstick," (and I'm not tryin' to hate but let's just say that in this unretouched photo on her bio page the last name is fitting - not that I'm one to talk, but I'm not giving out beauty and fashion tips, either. Well, except the occasional Big Ass Fashion Tip, but that's different. Or I'm just jealous. Whatever!) Anyway, what I'm trying to say is, how is Honey any different than your average straight girl? (Except for the girlfriend thing, but come on, we all know someone who is straight but not narrow...) I think it would be much more interesting to get a whole cast of bull dykes together and have them un-do the over-primped straight girls of the world. Somebody needs to grab Ivana Trump, Victoria Gotti, Pamela Anderson and frigin' Anna Nicole Smith and give them a makeunder! I want the gorgeous KD Lang to corner those bitches in a room and say, "When was the last time you saw your actual face? I'm talking skin. Do you remember what your natural hair color looked like? Don't you long for the days when getting ready did not involve shooting a needle into your face?! No more lip liner, no more eyeliner, no more bleaching and frying your hair until you look like the Bride of Frankenstein! Don't you understand that by trying to be so damn slutty-pretty you're making yourself look like shit?! I know girls. My Constant Craving has always been... but I've managed to keep it together - and I'm a Big Boned Gal!"

That's never gonna happen, I know. But one can dream. Until then, I'll keep my eyes peeled on the subway platform for more on this important discourse. Thank God nothing is sacred anymore. I can't wait to get famous and have people start dissing me. Then I'll know I'm really loved!

p.s. - Ooh! Ellen is on now! Now there is one hot lookin' lesbian mama! I gotta go!

Always Overcoming Obstacles

I try to blog for the first time in 6 days and what happens? I GET KICKED OFF LINE! That's fine, though, because you know what? I'm gonna:

IMPROVISE
ADAPT
and
OVERCOME

Alright - what was I going to tell you? Well, I've been busy. A week ago today I did Chicks and Giggles Mardi Gras Edition (click to see pics), Wednesday I did the Comedy Social (fun as always) and then Friday my long lost hubby came home. We went to Cecilia's in Brooklyn for dinner on Friday, saw Hotel Rwanda with a bunch of punk comics on Saturday and then went to Old Town Bar on 18th where I'd never been before - it's awesome - then on Sunday I did Sundays at Seven at the Irish Arts Center (a real hidden gem) produced by Fiona Walsh (who did a great character piece) and Ann Design, who was our lovely and lively host. I got to see the fantastic Erin Foley who I haven't seen in a while and Brad Zimmerman, who I've never seen before. He was hilarious. (And a little nuts, but hey - people who live in glass houses...) I also saw Ryan Paulson whose one man show Pentecostal Wisonsin plays at the PIT in April. He did a piece from his show which looks great. Great, great, great!

I'm a little exhausted right now because I spent all last week getting ready for the conferences I'm working at this week for "the bank." The good news is, I get to spend the night at The Pierre tonight, and hopefully I'll have a bird's eye view of THE GATES - those gorgeous orange flag draped arches that make Central Park look like the FDR. I noticed they put a trolley in the park today. It reminded me of Mr. Roger's Neighborhood. I wanna hop on that trolley and drive through the gates and when I come out on the other side I wanna end up in the Land of Make Believe... I wanna meet King Friday and Queen Sara or Prince Tuesday and Henrietta Pussycat?! I wanna ask X the Owl, "Why are you so blue?" Then I want Mr. Rogers himself to come back from the dead wearing a lovely handmade red zip-up sweater and sing, "Let's make the most of this beautiful day. Since we're together, we might as well say: would you be mine, could you be mine, won't you be my neighbor?" Wouldn't that be great? Now THAT'S worth 25 million dollars. This guy's been planning this longer than I've been alive - why not make it SPECTACULAR?!

Alright - it's okay looking. But damn, baby, that's a lot of orange.

This weekend my big reward is getting to do a show with some of my best girl friends in the world. We are going to Jersey, baby, and we are gonna take that place by storm! CAN YOU FEEL IT?!

Johnny's got his six string in hock,

Union's been on strike, he's down on his luck, it's tough.

Ooh, so tough.

WOAH!

Gina works the diner all day,

working for her man, she brings home her pay for love.

Ooh, for love.

We gotta hold on to what we've got.

It doesn't make a difference if we make it or not!

We got each other, and that's a lot for love.

WE'LL GIVE IT A SHOT!

WOAH! We're half way there! WOAH! Livin' on a prayer!

Take my hand and we'll make it swear!

WOAH! Livin' on a prayer - livin' on a prayer!

That is poetry my friends. Poetry with really good hair.

What else is up, you ask? Shawn Hollen...who? is on its way at The Duplex February 22 and March 1. Go see it! It will be great! Directed by Virginia Scott (who directed both Ryan and Fiona's one person shows) with original music and narrative stand-up by Shawn. HOT!

WYSIWYG is tonight... I wanna send all those guys love! I don't know if I can make it or not, but I'm sure if I don't I will be missing a miracle...

And - more miracles to come, y'all.

IT'S GOOD TO BE BACK!

Grr!

This sculpture is called "really pissed off (2001)" by Fred Mandell. It:

a) shows how I feel right now
b) kinda looks like Mickey Mouse?
c) definitely looks like Renee Zellweger.

I am so sorry y'all because I promised you the moon and stars (and comments on Carson's latest outfits) and today I just can't deliver. I'm just going through some garbage that I need to deal with and tomorrow I will feel better. Because after all...

"Tomorrow is Another Day."

That was for Tim Jensen. Tim, if you're reading this (and I know you are) I was thinking about "Shoes" this morning and how wonderful it is. I plan to write my first ever solo show soon! Maybe I'll call it "Feet." Whaddayathink? Okay, probably not.

I hope everyone out there in cyberspace is having a good day today. If you're not, just take some time to remind yourself to be thankful for all of the good things in life, like beer, wine and liquor. And pizza. And nachos. (As long as you don't eat them at midnight and then wake up the next morning with your ass on fire. I'm not saying that happened to me. I'm just saying. WHATEVER!)

Whatever!

Isn't that such a great solution to problems? "Whatever!" Like when your friends piss you off or you f*ck something up? "Whatever!" I'm just sayin'.

WHATEVER!

So much to say, so much to say, so much to say, so much to say...

Dave Matthews. Hope you got that. Wouldn't it be cool if my inner-monologue just automatically had sound? Maybe someday when my website is as cool as Ellen's...

Anyway... Oh, kids! There is so much I've been wanting to tell you but I've been so busy at "the bank" lately... It's driving me a little crazy, but, whaddayagonnado? Here's a list of some things I've been meaning to blog about:

Queer Eye for the Straight Guy/Girl ads in the subway

NYC 2012 Olympic Bid

Barking for shows

But - I can't. Not right now anyway. I have a show tonight and an audition that got scheduled last minute so in addition to work stress now I have to go be fantastic. Sometimes there is just no time to blog. It doesn't mean I don't love you. I will catch up with you tomorrow. I promise. Look for these topics and more in THE MOST COMPREHENSIVE, MIND-BLOWING, BEST BLOG POST EVER. Or a regular post anyway.

And, here it is: one final shout out to my peeps who have been there from the beginning. Ellen DeGeneres, Eric Stoltz, Renee Zellweger, Katie Holmes, Mom... We did it! We have reached and triumphantly surpassed the 1,000 visitor mark. I will no longer be celebrating every new hundred threshold with an official post about it, but you and I will both know...

Wish me luck! MARDI GRAS TODAY PEOPLE! I was promised King Cake. I don't know what it is, but if it's the King of Cakes, I will definitely be eating some.

Peace out, dawgs!

Love Child: Never Meant To Be

Click the title to find out what the spawn of Castiglia/Carrey would look like!

Eternal Sunshine of John Malkovich's Mind

Movies on Demand... How do I love thee? Let me count the 1000 ways...

Finally saw Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind in a double feature with Being John Malkovich. (So what it came out 6 years ago - I been busy!) I enjoyed both movies very much and truly think Charlie Kaufman is a genius, but I wish I hadn't seen them together and I wish I'd seen Malkovich when it first came out.

Malkovich was clearly one of his first efforts - not that it was incredibly less brilliant than any of his other films (I still haven't seen Human Nature and actually didn't know about it until today) but it just seemed more elementary in that the plot was completely sex-driven. It really seemed like a pre-cursor to Eternal Sunshine, especially in the scenes where Cameron Diaz and Catherine Keener's characters were pushed into Malkovich's subconscious. Cameron Diaz was shockingly fantastic in this movie and who doesn't love John Cusak? (If you click the Cusak link you'll see just how much some people love him...) That's really what I think is so amazing about Charlie Kaufman - not only are his scripts brilliant but they get these amazing performances out of some pretty mainstream actors you might not expect to be so great. Like George Clooney in Confessions of a Dangerous Mind and of course Jim Carrey in Eternal Sunshine. Obviously you expect Meryl Streep to be great, and I dare say that Kate Winslet's performance in Eternal Sunshine was as brilliant as Meryl's in Adaptation. When I walked out of the movie theatre after seeing Adaptation, I was stupefied. I immediately ran down to Barnes and Noble in Astor Place and bought The Orchid Thief, asking people browsing nearby, "Hey, did Charlie Kaufman really have a brother? Did he die? WHAT?!" That was a bit how I felt after seeing Kate Winslet; "Did she really just do that?" Her moment to moment work was excruciatingly real and her accent truly was flawless - and anyone who knows me knows I never say shit like that.

Probably the best moment for me in Eternal Sunshine was when Kate Winslet asked Jim Carrey if she was pretty and he started kissing her face all over saying, "You're pretty, you're pretty, you're pretty." Just thinking about it now makes me wanna die. Super-duper kudos to you, Jim Carrey for doing what you were born to do: Be Vulnerable. Jim, if you're reading this (and I know you are) I've said it before, and I'll say it again now: it's not that I don't think you're funny. I totally do. It's just so good to see you embrace all of yourself - and in this movie you did just that. YOU WERE FANTASTIC. Subtle, charming, funny, perfect.

Do I wanna have Jim Carrey's baby right now? Oh my God - could you imagine the spawn of Castiglia/Carrey?! INSANE! Ha ha ha ha ha!

Anyway - if you haven't seen ESSM yet, see it before Feb. 27 so you can be pissed when Hillary Swank wins again. (Course I haven't seen Million Dollar Baby, yet, either. I should pencil that in for 2007...)

Well, he's no Bono...

I'm just gonna come right out and say it: I think Paul McCartney just lip-synched the entire Super Bowl. Sorry, Ameriquest Mortgage Super Bowl Half-Time Show. (How could I forget all that?)

Anyway - here's why: I know the band was playing, he was playing, certain things he said were definitely coming out of the mic live, like "Thank You Super Bowl!" (are you kidding me?) Anyway - all I'm saying is, certain times the movement of his lips did not match the sound produced, and I'm just sayin', the last time I heard Paul McCartney sing, he sounded like shit. But it was live, for sure. I think they were so freaked out about having another Nipplegate that they made him go into the studio with the band and record everything first so they could feed it through the TV. Maybe the people in the stadium heard it all live, but I don't know. I'm suspicious. "Baby You Can Drive My Car" sounded about as clean and corporate as it gets; "Get Back" was a little more alive, but still pretty straight; "Live and Let Die" was HOT, but mostly because of the lighting and pyrotechnics. What really took the cake for me were the Red, White and Blue "Na's" being held up by the crowd during "Hey Jude." At the Super Bowl, even a nonsense syllable becomes an opportunity to shove blind patriotism down everyone's throat.

For some reason, football has become inextricably tied to love of country, and what a better year to show our uber-nationalism than when the Eagles play the Patriots? Perhaps these teams didn't actually have the best record in each of their divisions this year? Maybe this is all just part of Bush Jr.'s plan to make 'Merica the conservative stronghold he dreams it can be! Pretty soon all the teams will have patriotic names like the Buffalo Soldiers and the Minnesota Minute Men. The Washington Redskins will become the George Washingtons. The New York Giants will become the New York Liberators. In a last ditch effort of resistance, the San Francisco 49ers will change their name to the 69ers only to be told they are kicked out of the league because Jesus loves football but he don't like sodomy. I mean, did you see that half-time stage? IT WAS A GIANT, GLOWING CROSS! A beacon of Christian love shining in the darkness for all those soldiers over in Iraq that they so gladly showed in the opening sequence. Like it's supposed to make those soldiers feel better that they're over there if all of the fat, rich assholes who can afford to go to the Super Bowl clap when they see their picture? Is that what they're over there fighting for? Jim Bob's right to drink beer and eat nachos?

I'm sorry. I got a little carried away there. I didn't mean for this to be a political diatribe. I just wanted to talk about football. But that's what happens. One minute it's, "Woah, did you see that pass?" and the next it's "What do you mean you're pro-choice, bitch?"

Look, I hate football as much as I hate blind patriotism. The way I see it, the only way to solve this is to bring back hockey! What the hell, NHL? Why did you have to desert us when we need your Canadian-Flava most?

Wait a minute... I get it now! Bush got rid of hockey because he thinks it's the sport of the tuke-wearing, eh-saying, Barenaked-Ladies-listening, free-healthcare-getting Socialist fricking Canadians! OH! I only have one thing to say to you, Mr. President:

"GO SABRES!"

Beyonce History Month

Since February is about more than groundhogs and candy hearts, I thought I'd do a little googling of the old Black History Month, inspired by Nichelle's post about VH1. This picture from Biography.com is the first thing I found...

What is up, Biography? You put BEYONCE in the middle of Martin Luther King, Jr. and Muhammad Ali?! The fact that Will Smith is pictured next to Maya Angelou is slightly questionable, but I'll take it. But Beyonce, front and center? PLEASE! I realize she's a True Star and everything, but come on! But, it gets worse. Take a look at the text they had below the picture:

Every February, Americans celebrate Black History Month. This tribute dates back to 1926 and is credited to a Harvard scholar named Carter G. Woodson. The son of former slaves, Woodson dedicated his life to ensuring that black history was accurately documented and disseminated.

So far so good. But wait...

In an effort to bring national attention to the contributions of black Americans, Woodson organized the first annual Negro History Week in 1926. He chose the second week of February in honor of the birthdays of pivotal black supporters Frederick Douglass and Abraham Lincoln.

Okay - pivotal black supporter Frederick Douglass? The black guy in the top left corner of Beyonce's pinup? Calling a black guy a black supporter is like calling a woman a female supporter. It's like calling Bill Clinton a Democratic supporter. It's like calling a bra a boob supporter or a belt a pant supporter! It's ridiculous. My problem with this is that someone who didn't know anything about Frederick Douglass could assume from the way he's lumped in with Abraham Lincoln that he was white. Frederick Douglass was probably the most influential man in the entire Abolitionist movement. He deserves betta. Click here to learn more about him.

Anyway - here's the rest of Biography's text:

From Jackie Robinson to Tiger Woods, Harriet Tubman to Barrack Obama, Black History Month pays tribute to inspirational African Americans from the past, as well as those who will continue to make history well into the future.

Then why aren't any of these people in your picture, Biography? From now on, I'm gonna call you Beyonceraphy.

That's it for me. I gotta Beyounce. I'm off to Burger King to learn more about Everyday Heroes. Like BEYONCE.

ckc

p.s. - The only reason I know about the Burger King Everyday Heroes program is because my store on 116th Street is in a "target market" and I saw a sign about it there. If you go to the Burger King website, there is no way to navigate to their Black History page. You'd have to google something like "burger king everyday heros" (which by the way is spelled wrong) to find it. If you spell heroes correctly, you don't get the BK website. Hot. They're obviously doing a lot to contribute to education. If you google "burger king writing contest black history" you get this press release.

Frigin' Beyonce.

Happy Groundhog Day!

Just wanted to give a shout out to my boy Phil in Punxsutawney, PA, who saw his shadow today! Thanks, Phil. Six more weeks of winter! Gee! What will I do? Oh, I know, how about doing the same thing I'd do if you didn't see your shadow and we'd have an "early Spring" since Spring never comes before fricking mid-March anyway! The people who made the rules for this whole shadow thing have obviously never stood outside to watch the NYC St. Patrick's Day parade. You would have to be a drunk Irishman to call that kind of weather "Spring." Everyone knows there is no Spring in New York. There is only Freezing Death and Sweltering Death. And, Cinco de Mayo.

A poem in honor of my 902 visitors

902

rhymes with sky blue

reminds me of Skyy vodka

let's get drunk

Just checking...

Some people at my work have been confusing names of celebrities lately. Here are some photos that should clear the trouble up:

Darryl Hanna

Darrell Hammond

Bobby Darin

Bobby McFerrin

Friendster Foes

Apparently I am not meant to have a Friend(ster) in the world. When I go to the website from my Mac at home (using dial-up, by the way... who the hell still has dial-up?) AOL immediately crashes and I have to start all over. (AOL, by the way... who the hell still has AOL?) Anyway - then, if I go to the site at work, guess what I get? A big fat WARNING that having Friends(ters) is AGAINST BANK POLICY. Great! How the hell am I supposed to be successful at my job if I can't build my social skills? (Social skills, by the way... who the hell still has social skills?)

This is as poopy as what happens after eating Kashi.

So to those of you out there trying to be my Friend(ster), it's just not worth it. The odds are stacked against me like my booty and my rack.

Who am I kidding? I don't have a rack. Great - now I have no tits and no friends. Awesome.

No, that's not true. I have tits. Just not jugs. Why do people call big boobs "jugs" anyway? A jug has a handle on it. If your boobs have handles on them, you don't have jugs. You have a serious problem. Maybe it's because of the whole "jug of milk" thing?...

Which reminds me, I noticed today that my milk had expired, on Jan. 22 actually, EXCEPT in New York City, where it expired on Jan. 8. Why? Why does milk not last as long in New York City? Is it stressed out from having to butt up against all the other foods in the fridge all the time? Is it shortening its lifespan with its bad drinking and smoking habits? Is it working 75 hours a week to get its big project done? What is up, milk? Chill out! Or maybe you can't? Maybe New York City refrigerators are inferior to the other larger, more glamorous cooling systems elsewhere that keep milk fresher longer? I have to figure this out...

Okay - found this blog entry that may hold the answer. Apparently the rules for expiration dates are just more strict in the cit-ay. (Guess that makes us superior then, huh? Take that, everywhere else!)

After a little googling I learned that you can even drink milk past the "everywhere else" expiration date. Expiration dates are just guidelines and there is no law that says deli owners have to remove milk from their shelves when it is past the expiration date. According to Better Homes and Gardens, I should not have just dumped my milk down the drain based on the expiration date. Instead I should have poured some of the milk into a glass, sniffed it, thought, "Hmm, smells okay," tasted it, gagged as I imbibed the funky sourness, realized there was a reason the milk had an expiration date in the first place and that there is no way milk would be good 11 days after the everywhere and 24 days after the NYC expiration date, gotten pissed and THEN dumped it down the drain. Thank you BH&G for that time-saving, financially-sound and environmentally-friendly tip. I'll remember that the next time my husband buys milk that I'm never gonna use.

Speaking of - I guess I should really come clean. After all the wacky jokes, great photos and fibrous praise, I don't really eat Kashi. Mark does. But I don't. That's why the milk goes to waste.

I didn't mean to be dishonest. I hope we can still be Good Friends.

Someday I will look back on these posts and think, "What the hell was I thinking? Kashi? I wrote three posts that reference Kashi?" I guess I've milked it for all it's worth.

Eat It Up, Yum!

Don't they look happy? They're smiling because they poop regularly.

Screw alcohol. FIBER IS THE KEY TO HAPPINESS.

Old School Catskill Style Bad Joke of the Day

So, I'm married, which makes me a serial monogamist.

That's right, my husband and I only eat Kashi!

HEY! Cereal, get it? (Ba-dump-bump!)

It's not hard for us to stay faithful, though, cuz we're such Good Friends.

OH! Good Friends! (Ching!)

Sex and the Shitty?

Yogi Berra is suing TBS because of a Sex and the City ad that he says tarnishes his reputation. In the spot, they try to define "Yogasm," and one of the definitions thrown out is "Sex with Yogi Berra." Funny ha-ha, free publicity for a man who now does Aflac commercials. (Not that there's anything wrong with Aflac commercials. Just ask Ellen Lloyd.) The trouble is, Yogi says he is troubled by the sexual nature of the spot since he is a religious man, yet he's suing for 10 MILLION DOLLARS! $5 million for commercial use of his name without permission and $5 million for unjust enrichment by use of his name without permission. Apparently, to air is human, to sue, divine. Click the title of the post for more.

p.s. - I am totally going home now!

Hey, You're Chubby, Too! Have You Called Jenny?

No Kirstie, I haven't called Jenny. Why? Maybe because I'm just not as psyched about FETTUCINI as you are, okay? Jesus! Let it go!

UPDATE (11 pm): That's the second FETTUCINI in 10 minutes! I am gonna explode! Why have I not left yet?.......

This is what my brain looks like right now.

Pretty, huh? But soft...

I am now just leaving work...

Let it not be said that I am a slacker. I have been at "the bank" for 12 hours now. MUST GO HOME! Did get to do work and eat free dinner while watching American Idol though, so that was kinda fun.

How 'bout that crazy Phantom of the Opera Rainbow Bright punk, huh? Wow.

And just a tip, girl with the two different colored shoes:

a) I've been told pink and green is over (though I still personally love it, but I'm not auditioning for Simon...)

b) If you're gonna do a shoe of each color, why not do an earring of each color, just to balance it out?

Dude. My mind is jello.

Hold Me Closer, Tony Danza

I had a dream last night that I was doing a one-woman show that consisted mostly of dancing. And when I say dancing, I don't mean wiggle the bootie high in the air and watch the cellulite flutter like you just don't care. I mean hard-core, serious-ass modern/ballet, the kind of dancing I used to do 6 years ago, before I became a quality control specialist for Tostitos. Now sure, I could still dance in a musical if I had to (nobody’s jazz square is as mean as mine - and don't even think about trying to out-lindy me...) but let's just say I tried to do a grand jete not too long ago in which my legs were maybe developed enough to skip over a small puddle. I still have fantastic style, though, as anyone who's seen me do "Dance Interpretator" at the Comedy Social will attest.

Anyway - the point is, in my dream, I had to do the show twice. The first night was perfect. I was like Cirque du Soleil thin and Gumby flexible and I did all these amazing tricks - 3 flips in the air, I could move like Bill Irwin doing his marionette piece - I was seriously amazing. But then the second show, which I guess was at my alma mater, was a nightmare. First of all no one showed up except a few people I went to school with who really "respected my art" (which is funny because they were people I wasn't friends with per se but that were generally respected as being very talented) and then once the show actually started, everything started going wrong. I forgot the order of the show, I couldn't remember what costumes went with what dance or if I did I couldn't find them backstage... Then the real kicker happened: half way through, in the middle of this long contemporary ballet piece that required a lot of improvisation, floor work, jumps, etc., I got tired and had to stop dancing. I remember the moment exactly: I was mid pas-de-chat to the left and my toe just wouldn't hit my knee. And strangely enough, I suddenly had these huge, thick wool socks on. That was when I knew I had to pack it in. I found a way to smoothly exit, and that's all I remember.

Then get this: when I woke up, my legs hurt! And my knees were cracking! What?! Do you think I was seriously kickin' it in my sleep? Or are these just "phantom pains" because my brain went through the workout?

Do you think it has something to do with the fact that I had crackers with port wine cheese and mustard on top right before I went to bed?... Or do you think this is God's way of telling me I should start working out again?... Or that it's good I hung up my silver unitard when I did?...

Which reminds me - yes, back in the day when modern dance was my life I did perform in a silver unitard with gloves and a hood (you gotta click for the visual on that one) that made me look like a sperm, which is funny because my friend Gabe made his dancers wear those same unitards and ACTUALLY PLAY SPERM. Long story. But if you want, I have the video...

Gabe starts in The Lion King on Broadway tomorrow. It's a far cry from choreographing the sperm and egg dance, but it'll do. I'm so proud of my third cheetah from the left! Think of me pas-de-chat-ing in my spermitard as you leap through the jungle with a 200 pound wooden mask on your head!

NAA-SEM-PWEM-YA, MAMA-ZEE, MAMA-YA! (Or, "Hold Me Closer, Tony Danza" in Swahili. What, you never knew those were the lyrics? After all, it is an Elton John show...)