Hillary Update!

She's okay! She's okay! Thank God she's okay! Click the title of the post for more...

By the Book

So I found out from Nichelle that sorryeverybody.com is now a book. Huh. Wonder if Mark's picture is in there? I submitted mine but it never got put up on the website as far as I know, so I highly doubt I made the book.

I wonder if they are splitting the profits with everyone in the book? I don't remember signing a waiver........

Let's see - what's 1/1000 of $50?...

We're rich, biatch!

My Girl Wants to Party All the Time

What a weekend! First, on Friday, my hubby came home... which was wonderful. Then on Saturday we went to the Party of the Century at Molly's house with Matt and Jenny.... there were Euros everywhere! And there were lots of snappy dressers there, like Matthew with the mini 'hawk and the fitted green corduroy blazer with brown leather-ish trim who knew our friend Jen Scanlon. All of the really hot girls, like Jenny and I, were wearing turquoise. And I have to say there were very few broches in sight. I think that sh*t is on its way out, which is good, cuz then I can start wearing mine again. Not that I'm one of those people who purposely doesn't wear whatever is in, cuz that's not always true. I mean, underwear is still pretty much in (though I'm not sure for how much longer) and I wear that everyday (almost).

Anyway - it was a great party. There was a kid who went to SUNY Oswego there (which is where I'm from - the town, not the college) and we mostly hung out in Molly's bedroom and played with her gay SpongeBob boom box. It had a microphone attached! Someone was happy about that (me), other people not so much (everyone else).

Last night we had a few people over for dinner (the usual suspects) and we played Cranium. Games tend to cause mini-wars at my parties and last night was no exception. My team won almost on our first turn, which did not sit well with the other players. I can't say I blame them, but what can I say? With my Star Performer/Creative Cat ability and his Data Head/Word Worm prowess, we are unstoppable. Besides, when you've been with someone for 6 years, you know that they're doing Batman flying off a roof in Gotham City even though everyone else thinks they're doing a Flavor Flav impression. (Sorry - Foofie Foofie.)

For those who are interested, I will post some pictures of the fiesta later this week. Until then, check out these OUTRAGEOUS PARTY IDEAS from the Cranium website:

Purchase round balloons in bright Cranium colors. Draw a "scenic path" smiling face on each one (take a look at the Cranium game board for guidance) and hang them up around the house.

Serve a meal featuring foods from Cranium: Start with pigs in a blanket, hamburgers, or pizza, and end with a delicious banana split.

Conversation starters: Choose cards from your Cranium Data Head and Word Worm decks and tape them to plastic cups. Not only will your guests be able to identify their drinks, they'll also have plenty to talk about.

Customized Cranium: Print out a free set of Cranium Party Custom cards and put a personal spin on your party.

Cloodle with noodles: Have your guests "draw" with noodles instead of pencils. Put bowls of cooked pasta (spaghetti, rigatoni, lasagna, rotini, etc.) around the table and use a dark colored tray as your Cloodle pad.

Dude - OUTRAGEOUS! That is the sickest, most insane, wacked-out shiite I have ever heard!

Okay, I might do the Customized Cranium. They have a "relive your college days" version! How can I resist?...

Do you think one of the cards will say drink an entire bottle of Goldschlager with 4 friends, put on borrowed lingerie and act out scenes from Showgirls? God I hope so...

Golden Chocolate Delight

I was just handed a dessert from The Palace Hotel made of chocolate, chocolate, chocolate and GOLD.

I don't even think I can eat this - I should just save it and try to pawn it.

How much do you think gold dust is worth on 116th Street?

On second thought - I'm finished now.

Why is it that some people are starving in this world and other people are EATING GOLD?

What did you have for lunch today, Bob?

Oh, a nice filet rubbed in diamond dust and a lobster tail dipped in platinum-butter. How 'bout you?

Um - well - Chicken and Mushroom Ramen. But the powder in the flavor packet was kind of yellow-ish gold...

Right.

Waste not, want not, I say. Even though I feel that this dessert was way too decadent and should probably have never been made, if I just threw it away, it would have gone to waste. Now it's gone to my waist. HA!

How come my mouth tastes like I just licked a metal pole?...

Anyway - I think I will have to go get something else to eat because dessert is not lunch and lunch is important. Without lunch, how can you last until dinner? And if you don't have dinner, how can you have dessert? Now, I don't mean chocolate cake or something like that - I only eat that stuff right around lunch. I mean DESSERT. Nachos, popcorn, nachos, popcorn... you know. DESSERT!

I have issues.

Holy Mother...

817 - I cannot keep up with you people! Ride that freedom train! That's right! You know where to get the goods and you won't accept anything less. MSNBC? Phooey! CNN.com? Hardly...

Carolyn Castiglia - Undiscovered Superstar proves once again that it is the best news source on the web! (And by news I do mean stupid idiotic bullsh*t.)

First Bill, now Hillary?!

BREAKING NEWS
The Associated Press
Updated: 1:23 p.m. ET Jan. 31, 2005

BUFFALO, N.Y. - Democratic Sen. Hillary Clinton collapsed Monday during a speech in Buffalo. Colleen DiPirro, president of the Amherst Chamber of Commerce, told WBEN radio station that the 57-year-old Clinton told the audience she was feeling weak from a stomach ailment just before she collapsed at the Saturn Club, one of Buffalo's most prestigious private clubs.

There were no immediate details on whether she remained conscious.

Clinton's appearance at the Chamber of Commerce event came shortly before another speech scheduled at a nearby Catholic college, which was planned despite protests from anti-abortion groups and reluctance from the Catholic diocese.

She was planning to discuss health care, not her pro-choice stance on abortion, aides said. Several hundred people were waiting to hear that address. There were also hundreds of protesters waiting at the college.

Jesus - the Catholics probably freaked her out and she passed out! Don't worry, Hillary. I'm sure it happens all the time...

I sure hope Bubba rushes to your side like you did his when he passed out. Tit for tat and tat for tit, you know...

Stay strong, woman! Don't let those Catholic college kids intimidate you! I support you and I hope you feel better soon...

And for my Republican readers/Mom: At least she didn't choke on a pretzel.

It's De-Lightful, It's De-Licious

It's De-Lovely. Or is it? I finally saw the movie last night, and it was okay. Of course I cried, but whatever. I cry at cartoons - it doesn't matter. I expected this to be one of those all-out perfect and beautiful movies that you just rejoice over, and I was sorely disappointed. Without giving too much away (for those of you who are like me and never see anything until it hits Channel 1000 or DVD) I'll say this: the film was not appropriately represented in any of its trailers, and that's why my expectations were not met. I knew there would be music and dancing, but they tell you nothing of the flashback format of the film and do not allude at all to Mr. Porter's homosexuality (which plays heavily into the plot of the film.) Like most musicals, however, the plot really comes secondary to fitting as many songs in as possible, sung by pop stars like Sheryl Crow, Elvis Costello, Robbie Williams (who for the longest time I thought was black) and Alanis Morissette. Now, I really like Alanis Morissette, but I hope I never have to hear her sing another showtune as long as I live. "Brrds dew eeet, Beez dew eeet, even sientamental fleas dew eeet-ah, let's dew eeet, let's fawl in laaaaave." No. I do have to give mad props to Sheryl Crow, though. She sounded great on "Begin the Beguine," though her lip-synching was below par. (Which, in the end I suppose is a good thing since that means she hasn't had much practice.)

Ashley Judd as Linda Porter completely lacked the style and sophistication that a socialite of that era would surely embody; especially one married to one of the wittiest men of their day. She sure did look pretty, though, and isn't that what movies are all about? Even Kevin Kline, who I think most people would agree is a fantastic actor, was as appetizing as cold fish in this role, and I don’t mean sushi. I’m thinking more along the lines of pickled herring. Sure, he turned up the heat for the big death scene, as did she. (I mean come on - he had a hybrid rose designed for and named after her? Hello? That makes me wanna die of TB, too.) But as Tom Loughlin, a former acting teacher, used to say: It doesn't matter if you hit the big moment if you don't deserve it based on your (lack of) work in the scenes leading up to it. I can't stand it when actors who garner no sympathy through most of a movie then get all of this critical acclaim just because they cried or played bitter in one scene. "Oh, I have no leg, see, I'm so pissy. Oh, my husband can't push the pedals on the piano anymore and even though he's gay and doesn't care how that makes me feel - which, why would he? - I'm gonna cry - wah wah wah." When Ashley Judd started crying in that scene my husband Mark said, "Why is she crying now?" I don’t know… maybe because of a man named Oscar?… This movie was well written, even though the dialogue was sparse and terse, it was period appropriate and had the two leads imbued any of their lines with some real feeling - a little inner monologue, please - it could have been really good. And I'm sorry, but Jonathan Pryce as the "spiritual tour guide" was just way too much for me. When he started singing "Blow Gabriel Blow" at the end all I could hear was "The Heat is on in Saigon." Is it just me?...

One positive thing I will say is that I thought the actors who played Gerald and Sara Murphy, Kevin McNally and Sandra Nelson, respectively, were excellent. Really. And Aaron and Maralyn Sherman who did the prosthetic age makeup should really win the Oscar for Best Makeup. If only Ashley and Kevin put the amount of detail in their roles that Aaron and Maralyn put in their jowls...

You know what they say, if you can make 5 people laugh...

You can make 6 people laugh.

Did a show last night at Laugh Lounge. First off, let me start by saying that this is a great club if you have not been or performed there. The upstairs bar is very red and lush, and the downstairs showroom has a fun metal stage and a very cool backdrop with Laugh Lounge written in graffiti. The service is attentive but not pushy, and the sound system is great. Unfortunately, since the club is on a fairly quiet street on the Lower East Side, it's not always packed. We had 5 people in the house last night, and the very gracious Delilah let us go on anyway, as long as we promised not to turn on the heat.

Comic Debbie Shea noted, "It's so cold outside, I feel thankful to be indoors, in a room... with air conditioning."

Then I added, "Five people in a big room with no heat, drinking alcohol... it's like church!"

4/5ths of the audience were some really cute girls having a self-described "Sex and the City" night out, to which our host Dena Blizzard responded, "So, which one of you is the whore?" Initially they all pointed to a different person, but then they decided that Stephanie was definitely the whore. (Yes, we were on a first name basis, what else are you going to do when there are only 5 people in the audience?) So that of course became the recurring theme of the night. When I got up I almost said, "Don't worry Stephanie. You're not a whore. Now my friend Jodi... she's a whore." But I didn't. When I told Jodi that today she said, "Awe, I would love it if you said that about me in a show!" I always knew she had a good sense of humor, but now I know just how good.

Our fifth audience member was Dana, a real comedy fan who goes to 80 or 90 comedy shows a year. Dana was a really great sport, especially about the fact that no one was really sure if Dana was a guy or a girl. I don't care either way. I like you, Dana! You can be 1/5 of my audience anytime!

Comedy is not pretty. But those 5 people at Laugh Lounge last night sure were. Here's to you, 5 people! Keep on rockin' in the 2 drink minimum world!

They deserve each other, don't they?

I mean frankly, they are skanky. Not that Brad and Angelina are not hot, cuz they definitely both are, but in that "drrty boy/girl" sort of way, you know? It's like they could walk around Italy not having showered in 5 days, he with scruffy stubble, her with greasy hair, and they would totally be oblivious to the fact that to everyone else they look like jobless druggies, she with the "A prayer for the wild at heart, kept in cages" Tennessee Williams quote tattooed on her left inside forearm and he with the Tinsley Transfer Temporary Tattoo from Oceans 12 that he just can't let go of...

Look, I am not trying to elicit pity here for Jennifer Aniston. She's got enough money - she can drink herself out of this in style. But I do feel a little bit bad for her. As much as I used to sort of not like her, I thought she was really good in "The Good Girl," and even though "Along Came Polly" was one of the worst movies ever made (what's up Philip Seymour Hoffman? Oh shit, it doesn't matter - you are still amazing. Don't worry, I still love you too, Ben.)

Anyway, I just feel like there's something loveable about Jen. Like she really does care about the people in her life and that she'd even be fun to hang out with. Any girl who is that glamorous and still loves to wear khakis and a tank top is alright with me. Okay - that was a blanket statement that I probably don't mean. I've seen Angelina in khakis and a tank top and it doesn't make me like her any better. I guess it's the lips. Anyone who knows me knows I CAN'T STAND THE LIPS! Angelina, if you're reading this (and I know you are) PLEASE - YOU LOOK LIKE A FISH! IS IT NO SMALL CONCIDENCE THAT THEY CAST BOTH YOU AND RENEE IN "SHARK TALE?!!!!!!"

Okay, that felt good. I think I'm done now.

Are you f-ing kidding me?

This is what happens when you sepnd too much time trolling the web for useless information... you learn that Britney Spears, yes, Britney Spears, is WRITING A GODDAMN MUSICIAL! Look - from her "Stream of Consciousness:"

I feel like being behind the camera is sometimes more satisfying than being in front of it. Working on this video was my first taste into behind the scenes work which I am excited about doing more of in the near future. When a woman directs, I think it just alters the entire feel of the movie, production or play in such a positive way. Speaking of, I've been working on writing and hopefully eventually directing a musical which makes fun of the whole Hollywood scene, which is appropriately titled "Hollywood."

To quote Jenny Rubin: "No! No!"

Dude. Cannot handle this. Must go back to work...

Kick Ash(lee)

My friend Shawn sent me a petition to stop Ashlee Simpson from performing! (Click the title of the post to read/sign.) If you've been a fan of mine for a while you know how I feel about Ms. A. Simpson and her sister. Despite the fact that I think Ashlee is kind of cute and could actually do something of substance someday (after she realizes what a fraud she is, has a nervous breakdown and sues her father for mental abuse) I did sign the petition. When are they gonna make one of those for Jessica?...

Speaking of big-busted blondes, there is this HUGE billboard of Anna Nicole Smith on 7th Ave. near 49th Street that I have been passing for the past few days. Let me just say that the sheer smuttiness of this photo - the glossy f*ck-me-red lipstick that drips off her loose lips, the smudgy black barely-open eyes, the way she looks like she just drank the largest Tanqueray/Trimspa cocktail ever made... Frankly, it makes Jenna Jameson's topless billboard a few doors down look like a picture of a Catholic School Girl who accidentally dropped her towel.

Which brings me to the greater point: intention. It's not what we do in life, but how and why we do it that make so much of the difference. It's not that Ashlee Simpson and Anna Nicole Smith are bad people (you can weigh in on that if you like...) it's that their intentions are muddied - they do what they do with no real reason behind it. They don't have the strength of character to know what they want to say. It's the difference between Britney and Madonna - Madonna shocked us with her sexuality for a reason. She wanted to explore social mores, she wanted to show us her power, she wanted to prove that she is one step ahead of us, no matter what. (Except for the kiss with Britney, which was just a sad ploy, but still. No one can stay on top forever. If you saw her performance of "Imagine" on "NBC's Tsunami Aid: A Concert of Hope" you know exactly what I'm talking about.) Britney, on the other hand, has never had any idea about what she wants and merely shook her ass like she was told. Now she's taking time off to figure out what she wants, which, for her, has absolutely nothing to do with being a performer. And that's precisely because she has nothing to say.

Except this: "The only thing I haven't done so far is experience the closest thing to God and that's having a baby. I can't wait! I thought I would never say this, but I love not working so much!" (If you're a little behind in your pop culture like I am, read Britney's entire letter to her fans. It's pretty funny.)

I don't know why I care about any of this, really. It's just one of those things. I guess when you're so supersaturated by bimbos all the time it makes you wonder whether anyone out there cares about quality. And of course there are tons of people who do. They're just not the 12 year old girls who signed the Stop Ashlee petition like this:

"y r u being mean 2 ashlee??? ull hurt her feelins. shes the gr8test artist to be ever borned. i hate u 2!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! u have a monkey face. i have a 1/2 a brain cell."

Thank you, Shawn, from my whole brain cell.

ckc

April got me the shirt...

I love this picture. Dan, you are such a great photographer!

J. Lo got me the hat...

And my mama got me the ass!

(Pictures from "Please Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood." For more pictures from the show, click here.)

700 Club

700, biatch! That means 100 people read my blog in 2 days! Now that's the shit I'm talkin' about, yo! KEEP IT UP, PEOPLE!

Who loves you?

I do.

If You Saw It, You Got It!

Last night's WYSIWYG Talent Show at PS 122 was an all-out blast! The show was curated by my good friend Nichelle (who was unfortunately out of town for the event) and the ever-lovely Liza, who was our wonderful MC. She introduced each performer with a Googlism about them, which is now WYSIWYG tradition. So in honor of that, here's a sample of what I found on them:

WYSIWYG is well

WYSIWYG is turned on

WYSIWYG is an acronym for "what you see is what you get"

WYSIWYG is an annual event for Scottish performers

WYSIWYG is available for purchase on CD (I wish!)

WYSIWYG is proud to pronounce

WYSIWYG is your man

WYSIWYG is a cover of the Bee Gees' "New York Mining Disaster" that's striped down

WYSIWYG is the way of the wimps

WYSIWYG is capable of enthusiastically taking part in any terrier

WYSIWYG is my kennel name

WYSIWYG is your answer

WYSIWYG is the way to go

WYSIWYG is at least distracting

WYSIWYG is a beautiful love story where a lonely young woman learns the painful lesson that lying never accomplishes as much as the truth

WYSIWYG is probably right for you.

I had so much fun both watching and being in this show. The cast was full of funny and talented folks, including Rich Villar, Guy Brighton, Jenny Francois, Jon Collins and Ron Mwangaguhunga, who made me laugh so hard my stomach was going, "No - never exercise - cannot take muscle contraction any longer!" Everyone had such a unique voice, great writing style and joyous attitude toward performing - it was a fantastic experience.

After the show we went around the corner to Cheap Shots where I chatted with Alexis (who made me feel awesome by telling me she was now a full-fledged fan and that my love story was so inspiring I should send it to Jane), Colette (who is adorable and told me lots of cool stuff about Haiti), Allison (who told me a great story about her piece on Gawker) and Matt (who's heart grew three sizes that day! wink!) and briefly met Cheryl who was with the very sweet Heidi.

Bigg Upps go to: Amanda, April (seated in the front with glasses), Jen and Jodi for showing up (are you FINALLY reading this now?), Chris and Andy for being at the heart of it all, and Dan who said, "Can I take your picture looking like something nasty is going on - DOWN THERE?!"

Don't worry, Mom. He did.

Love to all!

Carolyn

Oh, Lawd!...

This is a show I'm doing on January 25 with some other cool bloggers. You should come! Please click the title of this post for more info on the lineup. I will be doing a piece about my relationship to Holland and its people - should be interesting! I am going to keep this post as the first post until the show, so please see below for regularly updated blog entries. PEACE!

Pre-Show Self-Talk re Reading Tonight

Crazy Carolyn: Why is this so much harder than stand-up? I feel less free since I wrote everything down in sentences on paper. Can I riff? What if they think I'm DRY?!

Cool Carolyn: Relax, babe. This is a READING. Your supposed to have it on paper. If it was stand-up they'd have called it WYSIWYG Stand-Up Show. At least you typed it out on a computer instead of carrying it around on 20 napkins...

Crazy Carolyn: What if they don't laugh?...

Cool Carolyn: They will laugh. The writing is solid, and besides, you are retarded-looking. Let's start with that ghetto-ass white belt you're wearing...

Crazy Carolyn: Bitch! Don't you knock my belt or I'll belt you for knockin' me!

Cool Carolyn: Whatever. I'm just sayin'... Besides - you asked.

Crazy Carolyn: Fine. So, last question. What if they don't get the ending?...

Cool Carolyn: They won't get the ending. It's in Dutch. That's the whole point, duh!

Crazy Carolyn: Oh yeah. So, will there be alcohol?...

Cool Carolyn: Yes, there will be alcohol.

Crazy Carolyn: Cool.

Cool Carolyn: Crazy.

Both: See ya there!

Supernanny Does It Again!

Oh my God - is she the most amazing woman on the planet? On last night's episode, she came into a house that was absolutely insane and not only straightened the kids out but also helped Mom and Dad's relationship - by the end of the episode, you just knew Bryce and Jen were about to go have a proper romp for the first time in years! Jo Frost, I am officially in love with you. Not only are you adorably real, curvy and cute, you are so kind hearted and have great technique. Plus, the way you say "acceptable," with that adorable slightly-cockney accent just makes my heart melt. Move Over, Dr. Phil! Here comes SUPERNANNY!

Birds of a feather flock together...

Took a walk down 6th Ave. today and saw a bunch of pigeons just hangin' out over the subway grate, gettin' their feathers fluffed. They were a little dirty and frumpy lookin', but their chests were all poofed up, with a proud sort of defiant air. They looked like pigeon rock stars getting ready to go to the Grammy's. If only a salon treatment were so cheap and easy for the rest of us. I pay $200 for a spikey cut and highlights and I end up looking like a cockatiel who got shit on by a pigeon.

For a nice visual of me with highlights and makeup on, click here.

Special thanks to Mike from Satan's Laundromat for the pigeons! Check out his photoblog at www.satanslaundromat.com.

Now THIS is Eric Stoltz.

From House of Mirth. HE IS HOT!

Remember when we met, Eric? Our eyes locked, we shared a smile...

I miss you, baby.

ckc

Who is this Eric Stoltz?...

I cannot believe that there are 2 Eric Stoltz's in the world. That is just nutty-talk! This crazy imposter Eric Stoltz has a website and everything, www.ericstoltz.com. He masquerades himself as a public relations guru, when really he is obviously just an identity thief! Shame on you, fake Eric Stoltz. You bruise me, sir. Thou hast cut me to mine core.

Six hundred, mofo!

For those of you who just tuned in, I promised my loyal fans a while back that I would acknowledge every new hundred click on the old site meter. And I have to say, I am ever-so-psyched that I have had 100 visitors in less than a week. Now, I'm sure at least half of those were from my old fans, Ellen DeGeneres, Eric Stoltz, Mom... but I'm feelin' like I definitely have some new fans! Everyone who read last week gets a sticker!

Love, Carolyn

p.s. - if you are in New York, come see the show at PS 122 tomorrow! FUN FUN FUN!

Yet another disappointing game of Browser Bar Roulette

I typed beyourself.com into my browser bar because I was looking for some reassurance. I figured if the website did in fact exist, it would contain some fantastic pseudo-psycho-babble self-help b.s. that would help me just trust in my fabulousness and know that everything will be fine. Well, the website does exist, but you know what it is? A bunch of links! Links?! To stock quotes and web browsers! I don't need your stinkin' stock quotes - I need to take stock of myself! Weigh the pros and cons of Carolyn! Decide that despite a terrible nagging habit of comparing myself to other people and secretly trying to find fault with people who've achieved more success than I have that I am ultimately a nice and moreover talented person who should stay in this business until one day her ship comes in! But no! I get LINKS!

Screw you beyourself.com. You suck! I'm goin' to do the laundry now - because I have to do everything by myself - obviously. I can't even get any help determining my self-worth, why the hell would I be able to get help folding my socks?! Hrmph.

Black British Style @ the V&A

On the third day, we rose again and ascended into the Natural History Museum and the Victoria and Albert Museum. Then we headed over to the shopping Mecca of the British Isles...

This is the prettiest room in the world.

The second day it rained like balls so we tried to spend as much time inside as possible. This is a picture of the ceiling of Henry VII Chapel in Westminster Abbey, reflected in a mirror they set up on the floor. You can see the wood frame of the mirror on the left. Cool, huh?

All we are saying is give peas a chance.

Whirled Peas at Horniman's.

Sometimes I type website addresses into my browser bar just to see if they really exist, and guess what?

Really exists. This shocked and impressed me, since I had previously entered the URL's, "imthegreateststar.com" and "iamfingamazing.com" to no avail. I was psyched as the page was downloading, giddy with anticipation. "What IS the best website ever?!," I thought. Turns out, the best website ever belongs to Ray M., a stand-up comic from NJ.

I sorta thought the best website ever would be 3D and throw money at you or deliver real, fantastic-tasting pizza to you right from your computer screen like it was a brick oven. But, no. The best website ever is about, "Life, Girls and Cheebs." Makes sense. I mean life is the best, girls are the best, and cheebs? Well, I had never really heard of cheebs until I saw them on the best website ever, but that alone made me think it probably was the best website ever due to its educational value.

But then I noticed something suspicious. I saw a line on Ray's resume that said he took second place in a comedy competition "Due to Racial Discrimination." That was when I started to think that maybe this was not the best website ever.

Other parts of the site that made me think this was not the best website ever:

1) Jenna Jameson's naked cootchie.
2) Jenna Jameson's naked cootchie.

If you leave my blog right now to go find it, DON'T COME BACK! (Just kidding - come back. I need the hits. Just wash your hands first.)

Sorry, Ray, but for me, the best website ever still remains:

http://www.google.com

If you can get your website to spit fresh, hot pizza love out of my monitor, I may reconsider. Until then...

Back to Bidness!

Street Smarts vs. Books Smarts on The Apprentice sucked. BORING! Donald, I'm sorry, but the consensus here at "the bank" is thumbs down. The magic is over. It's time to get a real job.

Isn't it funny, Big D, how you are a successful business person who ended up on TV and I am a successful Undiscovered Superstar who ended up at a bank? Donald, if you're reading this (and let's face it, what else do you have to do?) I think you should consider having me guest host the show. If you think Kelly Rippa does a good impersonation of you doing "I'm Fired," you should see my impersonation of Amy Poehler doing Kelly Rippa doing you doing "I'm Fired." Bad ass.

Anyway, Don, I'm not the only one with a word to the wise here. Check out Andrew Wallenstein's bit on NPR. If NPR says it, it's gotta be true.

Look, I'm not tryin' to be all sour grapes here. This is a big weekend for you and I am so happy for you and what's her face! I don't wanna spoil the surprise, but the $8,500 porcelain Tiffany fruit basket - it's not from me.

Now for those of you who are wondering...

based on my previous post if I cheated on my husband last night - and had the gall to post about it - I didn't. (Though that does dig up memories of a certain ex-lover. Is it wrong to google someone you haven't seen in 11 years?...) Anyway, I slept alone, in the bed of a friend who's cat I'm watching. And damn, what a bed?! That was the best night of sleep I've ever had in my life! I'd like to write love songs about that bed. If I could I'd write a sonnet about the comforter. And the pillows! Don't even get me started on the fricking feather pillows! I'll never look at a goose the same way again...

I know that my "Love Letter to the City" wasn't exactly funny (or, in fact, even slightly amusing, although I meant the globe in front of the Trump International line to induce a slight smirk or perhaps a small "hm.") But still, I felt good posting it. It's about time you guys (Ellen, Julia Stiles - did I mention she's a fan? Of course after I posted about her she just HAD to find out what was going on over here at the hottest inner monologue spot on the web!) Anyway - it's about time you guys see the softer side of Carolyn. The smooth side. The poetic side. The Earth Mother side (but not in an "I eat pizza all the time and look like the goddess Kali" way, more like an "I love the animals and sometimes secretly wish I was in a Summer's Eve ad" sort of way.)

Anyway - it's interesting to be "single" in the city. Sure, I still haven't done the laundry and I did use Febreze today, but I did the dishes! And I cleaned the kitty litter! I feel like a new woman. Someone who can sort of take care of herself. The fact that I ate pizza for dinner Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday notwithstanding, I'm feeling pretty proud of myself. I may actually get all the work I need to do done this weekend and charge into 2005 with the gusto it requires! Now where's the comedy in that, you ask? Well, the work I'm doing is comedy-related, so check out my calendar and come see the fruit of my loom! (I thought using 'loins' there would just be too much.)

I wish all of you the coziest and most productive of weekends! Grab your pen/laptop, brew a nice pot of coffee and let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!

Love Letter to the City

I fell back in love with New York today. The snow on the trees, the way the sun shimmers on the reservoir, the gorgeous architecture, the stupid globe in front of the Trump International...

The way you can get a cup of coffee every two feet, the guys in the bodegas who say "you have a nice day, honey." The way that when you look into the sun to hail a cab your eyes water. The way you feel so glamorous hailing that cab.

How at 7:30 in the morning people are already awake and alive, the hustle bustle of the garbage trucks and their workers who just desperately want to see you smile... The way the urban decay, when lit by the sun, looks like a gift instead of a curse. The way anything is possible here. Anything.

I fell back in love with New York today, even though I never knew we broke-up.

I fell back in love with New York today, even though sometimes she beats me down hard.

I fell back in love with New York today, the city that holds my heart and my friends, my life and my love.

I fell back in love with New York today. And I stopped being sick. I mean I still have a cough. But I stopped being sick. And I'm so happy. All thanks to feeling young and rested in the bed of a friend, with a cozy, warm blanket, a nice pillow and joy.

Looks like I'm not the only Frog/Pig fan!

Can you tell I'm dying here?... I've got one more post for ya, comin' up.

This just in from CNN...

According to Lois Najarian at Ozzy's label, Epic, rumors of Ozzy's untimely demise have been greatly exaggerated. According to someone in his office, "Ozzy is home sleeping -- just not the big sleep."

Whew! I can finally get some work done now!

Dakota Fanning in rehab?

Ha ha ha! So, I got a quick call from April (of the aforementioned FUPA fame) and I told her what I heard about Ozzy. She said she heard a rumor, too, that Dakota Fanning, the 10 year old actress, was in rehab, which I thought was crazy but, you know, Drew Barrymore and everything and that girl does look a little scary... Anyway - it was all a rumor started by Kathy Griffin at the Golden Globes! Ha ha ha! That is funny. Click the title of this post for more...

Please Note: I am having an unabashed star f-er moment. I'm sick and it's making me feel better. What can I say? At least I'm not at home watching Jerry Springer...

I Heard a Rumor

No, not the Bananarama song - I seriously heard a rumor that Ozzy Osbourne is no longer with us. What?! This is crazy. I never in my life thought I would know people who are cool enough to know these things before they are released to the greater media. Everyone here at "the bank" is frantically probing their "contacts in the biz" to find out if this is true.

Screw, Dubya! I want to know what's up with Ozzy!

Okay - people at Westwood One think he is a goner. This is sad. I feel bad for his kids and of course, Sharon.

We are checking with MTV... I will let you know...

Wasn't I just saying how great it was to be out of the celebrity culture for a month?

I'm lookin' for some comments...

Let's get a dialogue goin' here, people! I just read, via Nichelle Newsletter, Jeff Jarvis' Blogger Code of Ethics, and the one that struck me most is:

: The ethic of conversation: We do not believe in one-sided lectures. We believe conversation leads to better understanding.

So don't let me lecture at you about what happens to me when I take cold medicine and drink beer! Why not tell me what happens to YOU when YOU take cold medicine and drink beer?

What's that you say? You would never do something as foolish as take cold medicine and drink beer? Great! YELL AT ME. CALL ME STUPID NAMES. COME ON, BE ETHICAL!

Alright, don't call me stupid names. But, come on, I know somebody out there wants to leave me a comment. Just click on where it says "0 comments," (should be pretty easy to find!) and let me know what you think! And don't worry, you don't have to sign up for a Blogger account if you don't want to, just post anonymously (but sign your name, would ya? And leave your credit card number if you're a "patron of the arts.")

Oh my God - Dubya's gonna speak soon! Can't wait! Can't wait! "In my mouth!"

At least I'm not Yushchenko...

I may not feel well, but at least I'm not Viktor Yushchenko. That poor, poor man. My friend Lauren said, "he looks like one of those green army toys..."

I had to cancel my show last night. That's the worst feeling in the world. I ended up sleeping from 7:30-10:30 and then 12:00-7:00. Guess I needed the rest. I feel better today, but all of the "stuff" is coming out. You know how it is, so I won't elaborate. But for those of you who are into gross-out humor, here's a nice visual.

I'll be interested to hear Bush's inaugural speech. They had a great bit on Letterman last night about Bush eating corn. It went something like:

Bush: "I eat corn all the time."

Reporter: "Where?"

Bush: "In my mouth!"

That set me up to have sweet (corn) dreams.

I'll post again after the speech if I can. Stay strong, y'all!

So sleepy...

I took Tylenol Cold DAY (Non-Drowsy) and you know what, I'm still sleepy! This is bullcrap. It's also bullcrap that I can't drink now. Those of you who know me know I like nothing better than a good cold medicine/beer cocktail!

Wish me luck on my show tonight. If worse comes to worse I could just do a "performance art" piece about passing out. Maybe I'll bring a blanket, just in case...

Gabe's arm...

My friend Gabe (who debuts on Broadway in The Lion King on Feb. 2 - yay!) is supposed to be in Save the Last Dance with Julia Stiles. Well, his arm is anyway. But I watched Save the Last Dance last night on TBS, which, by the way, is not "very funny" though I think charming and well, fine, I did cry at the end but, whatever! Anyway, I couldn't find Gabe's arm. I was very disappointed. Gabe, if you're reading this (and I know you are) can we please rent the video and hit pause during your scene so I can see your pit hair on TV? Thanks.

Even though I did not get the hot Gabe arm action I needed last night, I did come out having learned some fabulous new hip-hop terminology, such as:

"That is country and you look country in it."

"Slammin'. Slammin' outfit."

My personal favorite: "You come along white so you gotta be right."

Oh - and I just got a reminder from Angelena (who I'm working next to) of this gem:

"She's all up in your nut, crackin' it."

I can't believe that one didn't stick with me! I am so gonna use that one someday.

Alright, kids. Remember, CRACK IS WACK!

500 500 500!

That's all.

Thank you, 500 people who've visited me over the course of the last 3 months. If you can get 500 more people to visit me in the next month I will give you all a free cup of coffee.

Reality, really?

I think I'm the only person I know who does not watch Reality TV. Really. I am just not that into it. But, with my hubby gone and my friends being media-whores, I have found myself watching a bit of it lately, and I have to say there are two shows that I am really psyched about:

Street Smarts vs. Book Smarts on The Apprentice
Brilliant! I can't wait for this show. I just know Street Smarts are gonna kick some Book Smarts ass! The Donald is going to have a field day with this. Oh, and I anticipate a lot of beeped f words this season! Fun!

Supernanny

I have to say, the first episode was hot. This show took me from wanting to get my tubes tied to the tick-tock of the biological clock in less than an hour. Last night proved that Supernanny Jo Frost is not only great with kids, she is fantastically understanding of people who have no parental instincts whatsoever. My girlfriends and I all agreed that we'd have been a lot less kind and generous toward someone afraid of their own 4 year old. It was so gratifying to see the family playing together at the end and hear those terribly bratty girls say, "I love you, Mommy."

I feel kinda trashy becoming a fan of these shows, but two shows isn't that bad, and really what else is there on TV these days? I still watch Comedy Central almost 24/7, so I figure it's not that bad if I branch out a little. But if you ever catch me raving about the last episode of Fear Factor, please, pull the plug. (On the TV. Not on me. Not that I'm hooked to a machine or anything, but I'd probably have to be on my last breath before I watched a man eat a cockroach.)

On a side note...

I am back at "the bank" today. It's good. They already offered me VP (of scouting for free lunch) but I turned them down because of my artistic integrity (and so as to not bolster my reputation as "the eater.") It's hard to get up at 7 o'clock every day, but it's even harder not to eat. Hmm... Maybe I will take that VP position after all...

One Mor(gan) Thing...

Okay, so, for the record, Morgan Freeman has been married twice and has four kids, but still. The earring? "The definition of grace?" The air kiss to Hilary? I'm not convinced. It's cool, though. Maybe he's in an open marriage? After all, he is a free man! HEY! Yeah.

I Have a Dream...

that one day, little boy actors and little girl actors will be able to play freely, without silly awards shows like the Golden Globes keeping them down.

I have a dream, that one day, there will be no awards shows, and all Hollywood actors will be recognized equally for their worth. I mean, talented or not they're all frickin' loaded. So why not give them all more free shit? "Here, have this statue. I don't need it. Go ahead!" "Uh, thank you, Mr. Putin. I will cherish this bust of Lenin forever. I can't wait to put it on my mantel!" "You want more? I got big one of Marx a few blocks away..." "No, no. This is wonderful. Really."

I have a dream, that one day, ugly women from all over the world will descend upon Hollywood and start chanting, "We're frumpy, we're ugly, get used to it!" Nothing would change, but I'd like to see Mischa Barton run for her life. "Oh my God, what ARE those things?! Nobody told me this was a horror film..."

I have a dream, that one day people as beautiful as Virginia Madsen from the film Sideways will not be called "fat" because they have flabby arms and a bit of a FUPA. (Fat Upper Pussy Area, Mom. Don't get mad at me - April made that one up.) Maybe she's just tryin' to keep it real, yo? How come nobody bitches that Pacino and Hoffman are teeny-tiny man-dwarves, huh? HUH?

I have a dream, that one day Jim Carrey, who's made millions and millions of dollars doing comedy, will stop making his audience uncomfortable and just get on with the introductions! So your one liner bombed at the Globes. Who cares, Jim? You're rich! It's okay. You're a character actor. You don't have to be funny every second of the waking day. Robin Williams does, but you don't. That's life. DEAL WITH IT.

I have a dream that one day Will Ferrell will run for President. In an eye patch and glasses.

I have a dream, that one day, crazy Meryl Streep and crazy Glenn Close will get together and give us the crazy lady wrestling match of the century! I have a dream, that at the Oscars, crazy Glenn will just attack crazy Meryl and their eyes will start popping crazily out of their heads like cartoon bunnies on crack, and just when we think they're about to go down for good, they both look into the camera with their crazy lady eyes and say, "Just kidding!" and then announce to the world that the fight was just a publicity stunt for their new Disney film, "Wicked Brew" in which they play scary witch sisters, then they straighten their gowns, grab hands and walk into the theatre together, cackling crazily with all their might while dropping hundred dollar bills on the red carpet JUST BECAUSE THEY CAN.

I have a dream, in which Robin Williams gives his speech from last night over and over again and I just laugh and laugh and laugh until I finally say, "So what the hell was Pia Zadora in, anyway?"

I have a dream that I look like Mariska Hargitay in that purple one-nipple winner she had on! How come nobody wrote about that? Damn skippy, she is HOT! (Hey, these don't all have to be about world peace, okay?)

Lastly, I have a dream that Hilary Swank and Morgan Freeman make out. I think Morgan is probably gay, but it doesn't matter. He's an actor, and she's kinda butchy anyway. What a better way to celebrate Martin Luther King Day than by hot inter-racial actor on actor action?! I can't think of one.

Except covering myself in a dress made from half-moon (aka black and white) cookies which I parade down the street wearing as a sort of living homage to racial harmony and just when I get from East Harlem to Times Square and I think to myself, "Shit, nobody cares about crazy half-moon cookie girl," people of all colors and creeds come up to me and say, "Hey, Carolyn, that's a pretty dress. Can I take a bite?" and I say "Sure." and we all live happily ever after.

Whew! Good thing that last part was just a dream!

Oh! Gotta go, guys. The bakery just called. Happy MLK Day, y'all!

Sex and East Harlem

Okay, so my girlfriends and I finished watching the last episode of the last season of Sex and the City last night. And then we watched it with director's commentary. And then we watched the alternate endings. And then we watched the SJP interview at the US Comedy Arts Festival in Aspen so by that point we had seen enough Sex - we just wanted to go to Bed! (Oh! That is totally a show reference from a girl who never watched the show. The club, "Bed?" I am so good.)

Anyway, it's been almost 24 hours and I still can't stop thinking about Carrie. Her clothes, her face, her struggle to find love and yet still remain her fabulous self. What is it about her that swept America up into her magic and carried us away on a big, bubbly wave of champagne? And then I realized...

It's cuz she's a writer.

Everyone wants to be a writer, right? I mean, look at the way blogs have taken off in the past year? People used to have diaries. But why write your random thoughts down in a random notebook when you can post them online and feel like you just made deadline for the Inner Monologue Press? So then I got to thinking...

With so much free media out there, so many people saturating the market with their H&S, how can any of us do like Carrie and turn our BS&T into CHC?

Code for my 40+ fans/Mom:
H&S: Heart & Soul
BS&T: Blood, Sweat and Tears
CHC: Cold Hard Cash

I don't know. But I'm gonna keep trying. Because I can't go to my day job much longer. Not that it's not utterly fulfilling and fantastic in every way, because believe me, it is. (As I'm sure your job is too, of course.) It's just that I'd kind of rather wake up with a full face of makeup on and go eat croissants all day with a French bulldog, you know?

Anyway, it makes me wonder... will I still be here in SpaHa (Spanish Harlem) in 5 years writing to Ellen DeGeneres from 2 rooms and a hallway, or will I be there next to her like I should? Ellen, if you're reading this (and I know you are) please give me a call. I'm sure we can work something out about the co-hosting thing, and besides, I miss you. The girls and I have at least 5 more DVD's to watch (because I won't live unless I figure out why they used pansies instead of roses in shot 5 of episode 29).

Or not. I mean, I'm content to just sit here and type. My column is like tragically over due and you know Mr. Monologue! He's got no patience for an East Harlem society girl who wastes her time hanging out with celebrities! Besides, I might be coming out (no pun intended!) to LA in February, so, I can always swing by your place. (Oh, there was a bit of an innuendo there with the use of the word "swing" but I'm just gonna let that go.)

Talk to you soon!
Love, Carolyn

Mac-ety Mac - Don't Talk Back!

AN OPEN LETTER TO MY BELOVED READERS/MOM

Guys,

I am so sorry I have not been the posting maniac I have been in the past. I have only been back in the city for three days - the Mac is soooooo uncooperative - I can't edit my website, I just deleted an (almost) brilliantly insightful post on the state of the world and Sex and the City's place in it... what can I say? I will be back at the "day job" on Tuesday and shooting at you from the hip out of love and quiet desperation. Until then, please ponder this:

Why does Carrie step in dog shit in the last episode of the last season? Does that REALLY happen to girls who can afford Prada? And if so, do they laugh about it like our affable heroine does?

I don't think so.

Until next time,
Carolyn

p.s. - Does she end up with Big? Seriously. Because my DVD player overheated last night and I don't have time for this bullshit. I didn't watch the show - I don't have HBO - I just wanna know.

TO BIG OR NOT TO BIG. THAT IS THE QUESTION.