Are you funnier in your underwear, or just funnier looking?

I don't know, but either way, I am loving this "alternatively employed" state. Just wrote a great post on the baby blog, cleaned my house like a bitch on wheels for the past two days - I would almost eat off the floor except that's disgusting really no matter which way you slice it. "God made dirt so dirt don't hurt." That's upstate for "If I hate a bitch and rub her dinner roll on my shoe before I serve it to her she won't get sick but I'll get sick pleasure out of it." That actually happened once. I worked at the Dunkirk, NY Country Club (Shorewood, I think it was called) and this girl I worked with rubbed a roll on her shoe and gave it to some chick she hated to eat. Moral of the story here: never be rude to your server - ever - or you will eat something that would make you puke if you knew.

We've all heard those terrible stories about kids putting broken glass in hamburgers or guys jizzing off in the mashed potatoes (and yes, I know you are all sincerely thanking me for bringing this up right now) but seriously - some totally crazy shit does go down in the restaurant industry, and management approves it. Once when I worked at an establishment that shall remain nameless but rhymes with Schmapplebee's, one of the fry cooks dropped an entire order of mozzarella sticks on the floor and then threw it on a plate and said, "Here." I said, "There's no way I'm serving that, dude - that's disgusting. I won't even eat of my own floor and I clean that shit like a bitch on wheels!" So the manager came over and said, "She's right." But before I even got a chance to feel vindicated, he said, "Throw 'em back in the fryer for a minute to kill the germs and THEN plate it up."

Lunch, anyone?

I'm not auditioning for the movie. I have to work on my piece for tonight.

I bet every article you've ever read in a magazine has been written by someone in their underwear. Think about it.

But, seriously - how about some LUNCH, huh?!