STOP! Hammer Time...

Okay, Dave... so you're not 28. You're 31. I just read that in an article on davechappelle.com. BUT - on the Chapelle's Show page on comedycentral.com it says you're 28. Unless I'm crazy. Which may mean that I'm not 28, either. Who knows?!

BUT - guess what else I found out?! You're married - I'm married... You've got 2 kids, I've got 2 cats... it is still meant to be! Yes!

Okay, I'm gonna let it go now. "Let it Be," if you will. Cuz I know, no matter what happens, we are like the yin-yang, Dave Chappelle and I.

Namaste, Biatch! I'm out!

I love you, Mr. Chappelle...

Just auditioned for a promo for Chappelle's Show. It was awesome. If you have a hopeful bone in your body, pray that I get this...

Dave, if you're reading this (and I know you are) please pick me for this promo. I am funny and I think our skin tones will go perfectly together. "Ebony and Ivory, go together like perfect harmony, side by side on my piano, Hee Boy, Ho Boy, Why don't we?!..."

Are those the words?... I think I was 4 when that song came out. I question the "Hee Boy, Ho Boy" interpretation as a result, but still, that's a cool song.

Anyway, Dave, I just found out we are the SAME AGE (!) so this is like totally perfect. You're 28, I'm 28... you've got a successful show on the best network on TV, I've got a TV... it was meant to be!

See ya soon (I hope!)
- ckc

p.s. - I love a man who appreciates a good paper towel. Meow!

Cute as a button...

Okay guys, this is the third time I am trying to post this post because I am home today and on a very retarded MAC (yeah - I called a MAC retarded - whachu gonna do about it, dork?!) Okay, I didn't mean that. I love dorks. Really. I have a watch that says that and everything. I am just a little upset because I lost the first version of the post. I thought, "Fine, I'll start over and make it even better." So I did, and the second version of this post was great, fantastic, spell checked, I had a wonderful prom reference in there, but whatever, fine, it's gone. All I tried to do was put two words in italics and then *boom* the whole thing disappeared. I have to write my posts from home on the MAC in HTML mode and I am too much of an idiot to do that, apparently. I don't hate blogger - I blame it on myself.

The only thing that could make my day better is you knowing that the "Carolyn Castiglia - Undiscovered Superstar" pins are not a joke, okay? They're not. Click the title of this post and buy one, okay?...

I know this is not fair to you guys. This post sucks, and I'm really, really sorry. After I catch my breath I will go back and recreate my great prom analogy and all will be right with the world.

Note to self: do not try to do any "fancy formatting" with this post Carolyn because if you do you will lose it and your mind.

Thank you for your patience.

Love, Carolyn

Here goes...

Since the last post sucked, and did not convey the meaning I wanted it to convey, I will now try to recreate the former fabulous version of said post (which I will not delete because I am all about truth in advertising.)

Guys, some people have told me they thought the "Carolyn Castiglia - Undiscovered Superstar" pins are a joke. They are not. Click the title of the post (below this one - ha!) to see the actual pin, actually for sale.

Now, I don't necessarily expect anyone to actually buy (Oh My God - those are the two words I tried to italicize - I'm scared! Anyway...) a pin. Just knowing that it exists makes me feel good. Knowing that my pin might accidentally stick someone as they try to put my face on their shirt or their denim jacket and knowing that stick might remind them of the time they were getting ready for the prom and Billy shoved their corsage on just a little too forcefully and even though it hurt a little bit it proved that Billy was a man and not gay like everyone thought makes me feel good.

(Okay, I will pause here in this "recreation" because I do not want anyone to think I think gay men are not real men because they are. See, this is what happens when you try to recreate something perfect - it becomes imperfect. I want you all to know you are witnessing the struggle of art right here. Thank you.)

It makes me feel good knowing that my face might get all scratchy as my pin gets accidentally brushed up against the metal pole in the subway from being worn on the front pocket of someone's backpack. It makes me feel good knowing that someone might display my pin on their bulletin board as a reminder of all things kitschy in life. (Okay, that doesn't make me feel good, but neither does recreating this post, so hey. All's fair in love and self-promotion.)

Anyway, it's not like you've never thrown $1.50 away on something stupid before. And this something stupid just might change my life! And even if it doesn't, think about what a great conversation piece you'll have:

"Carolyn Castiglia - Undiscovered Superstar." Who's that?

"I don't know. Isn't that the whole point?"

"Hmm. Wanna go eat something?"

And there you are, off on a date with someone cute all because of me!

Just don't get the combo fajitas. Too messy.

I'm just tryin' to make the world a better place, guys. Seriously.

AND SCENE!

Oh my God - you guys are the best friends a girl could ever have. I feel like you totally went on that crazy MAC-f-up journey with me just now. And I love you for that. Hey - how 'bout a pin?! As a token of my gratitude. No, seriously! It's free. Oh, you don't want one now? No, that's cool. I know, just reading about it makes you feel like you own one. That's how I feel about Dior bags. It's cool. I understand. See ya later! (I hope?...)

Oh Happy Day!

Well, it's been a long time since I've posted about my "show life," (I haven't done that since I used to keep my blog on my website, actually...) but this week has been such a good one I thought I'd tell you all about it...

First off, on Monday, I went to see my friends in the Mintyfresh show at the Duplex. Everyone was incredible and I was thoroughly entertained. Then Tuesday I was in the Mintyfresh show at the Duplex, which was really wonderful because it was a fundraiser for the American Cancer Society. We collected $500 between the two nights! I was not only proud to be performing for such a good cause, but I was also thrilled to be making the magic happen with some of my best friends and the most truly gifted performers I know. Everyone was hilarious and a good time was had by all who attended.

Last night I was at Sin Sin (where else?) at the Comedy Social. Our audience was slim in number but big in heart. (Okay, two people were there outside of the comics, but they really loved everybody. And by loved everybody, I mean asked everyone to sleep with them. But I digress...) I tried out some new material about the state of the world today, my fat gut and my aging mother-in-law. Trite topics perhaps (Jackie Gleason, anyone?) but brilliant nonetheless. ;) (Ha! Did I just call myself brilliant? Wow. I must be feeling thin today.)

No, I'm not tooting my own horn. I'm just sayin' it feels good to do good and when you can do that with your friends around you, life is like a big peach pie with a vat of vanilla ice cream on top.

Vat. "I said it!" (That's my Michelle Buteau impression. It's hard to tell over the internet.)

I'm not tryin' to be all "insider" today, which is why I don't write about my shows anymore, so all my fans in Kansas can relate. But I just thought the world should know, for once I am happy. For once I am content.

Now could somebody turn up the heat in here?! I'm freezing! And what about lunch? Is there no free lunch? When's the beer cart coming out, huh? Huh?!

Peace out, y'all...
ckc

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No wonder I'm tired?! Click the title of the post to try your name...

301 301 301

300 visitors... 2 months to the day since I've been counting... one place for the best inner-monologue on the net! Carolyn Castiglia: Undiscovered Superstar.

Thank you, pulsating masses, for your joyful imbibing of my emotional spew.

(Translation: "Mom, I'm so glad you paid your friends to read this! It's really working out!")

Oh, blog!

Blog, blog, blog. It's all about you, isn't it? You demand so much of me everyday... "Be funny, Carolyn." "Be creative, be clever!" I'm sick of you, blog! What if I have nothing to say, huh?

Just don't write anything, then.

Oh, figures you'd say that. Everything is so easy for you, isn't it? You're just a little web page - no worries, no issues... no personality.

That's not true, Carolyn. I do have a personality. If I didn't have a personality, how could I talk to you?

But you're not talking to me. I'm talking to me pretending to be you so it doesn't seem so retarded.

Oh, Carolyn. Now that's where you're wrong. Didn't you read "Conversations with God?"

No.

It'll change your life...

I know! Okay! Every hippie I know has read that book! Who cares? Eating granola every day is not a change I want to make.

It might help you lose weight...

I doubt it. Granola is full of fat. But thanks.

You're welcome.

Oh, is that how it is? Even when I give you attitude you respond to me with a calm and even tone?

Yes. Why not?

Oh - touche! Good point! I mean, I guess I'd be calm and even too if I didn't really do anything in life, had no job, no kids to feed...

You don't have any kids to feed.

I HAVE CATS, OKAY?! CATS. And they need food, too.

You're right.

You know what? This conversation sucks. I'm gonna go talk to a real person.

Like Ellen DeGeneres or Eric Stoltz?...

(silence)

That was such a low blow, blog. You are dead to me.

I hate everything right now...

Why is it that some people have to be such bitches?! Seriously. Like, it's not just like this person that's on my mind now is just like a little rude, or slightly annoying, this person is a full on skank-who-ah, and I just can't stand it.

Thank you, blog. You are always such a good listener! Soooo not judgmental, and you never make me name names. I love you.

ckc

Finished watching "Stepford Wives..."

...and boy was I wrong to be charmed! The first half of the movie was fun if not funny, but the second half was all over the place! The scene with Bette Midler appearing for the first time as a robot could have been so much funnier (writing-wise), and Matthew Broderick is still Ferris, isn't he? He's an older, pudgier Ferris. (Okay, I'm sure he was good in The Producers, but my broke-ass still hasn't seen it yet.)

The twist at the end was interesting, but if the goal was a comic remake of the original horror, they really missed the mark! The original is sooooo scary, you really freak out by the time she sees Bobby in the kitchen (that scene kicks ass!) Then, when she gets to the Men's Association and she's looking for the kids and she gets trapped! Oooooh! But that scene in the remake was pathetic - including a lame joke at the expense of AOL. (Okay, I laughed, but still...) I guess I expected the comic version to be as funny as the original was scary.

I'll say this: if you're interested in feminism at all, get together with some of your like-minded, hairy girlfriends and watch both movies back to back. I watched both movies with the same set of people, and even though we weren't outraged by the second one like a lot of grrls were, we agreed that it is a little insulting in that it completely disregards the first film's attempt at really examining the relationship between men and women in the second wave.

But, it was fabulous that there was a gay couple in the new one. The "wife" was funny! Mmm... I heart gay men! Yowza!

I still respect and admire Glenn Close, but she really has a thing for those Sunset Boulevard/Cruella DeVille crazy lady moments. Her tantrum at the end was scary. Not as in, "Wow, I'm scared," scary; as in "What the f is she doing?!" scary. My friend Jodi called it a "Scooby Doo" ending. "And I would have gotten away with it, too, if it wasn't for you pesky kids!"

Bottom line: interesting movie, definitely worth watching, don't expect a lot and you'll have a good time.

Kinda like this blog post.

THANK YOU - GOODNIGHT!
ckc

Special Thanks to Kelly Clarkson For:

...still having a big ass and thighs even though you "got skinny..."

...singing LIVE, on television, at 8:30 in the morning, no less...

...doing smudgy black lids in a way that doesn't say "I just got off a three day bender and haven't washed this eye makeup off in three years..."

...not immediately shouting "THANK YOU! THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH!" at the end of your song in a chirpy Disney voice that is supposed to prove that a) you actually sang live, b) you "love" your fans and c) you're still a virgin because you smile after shoving your pussy in some 12 year old girl's face.

...not shoving your pussy in some 12 year old girl's face.

Kelly Clarkson - YOU ARE A ROLE MODEL!!!

Kelly, if you're reading this (and I know you are), now that I've lavished you with all this praise, just one thing. The song was a little too Avril-esque for my taste, though your belt is considerably more impressive than hers. (Sorry, Avril, I love ya, but she's older than you and you're kind of a poseur.)

Keep up the good work, Kelly! I hope we can make "From Carolyn to Kelly" real soon!

Love, your "big sis" in the biz,
Carolyn

Ooh! p.s.

Did anyone see Jessica Simpson sing at the Rockefeller Center tree lighting last night? Is she some kind of blond, screeching dinosaur from the prehistoric ages? That mouth is fricking ridiculous! ('Dick' being the operative.) It's clear she's good at pleasing people orally, but aurally? Not so much. But, what else is new? Why don't they hire Broadway singers to do the Christmas tree lighting? (Ratings, I know. But still... it would be much more family-oriented and fun.) Or at least get really good bands or something. I can't take these retarded teens anymore!!! And did you see the way her husband introduced her? He was like, "I know, people... I live with her."

Hillary Duff seemed like she was at the tail end of a three day bender and hadn't washed her eye makeup off in three years... "We're here at the tree lighting and we're so happy to be here." Her mouth said it, but her voice just didn't believe it.

The tree itself was hot, though. It's pretty amazing that they do that every year. The Rockefellers were actually quite philanthropic, for greedy capitalists, anyway.

Oh - okay - one more bitch and then I am out. What about the cast of ER leaving their hospital in Chicago (which is really in LA) to walk out the door to Rockefeller Center?... WHAT?! Thank God that show's ending this year. Poor Noah Wyle. "The Librarian." Looks almost as good as "Blast from the Past." If only they show it as many times...

Oh, alright - one more thing! (But it's positive...) Bette Midler is hilarious in the new "Stepford Wives." We only watched the first half, so I will make a final comment when I see the rest. I love her. She's a Sagittarius...

I heart Glenn Close as well.

The End.

(I know I'm being a Negative Nancy today, and I was feeling a little bad about being so critical - in case Jessica or Hillary are reading - and if so, Hi girls - email me, I know a really good voice teacher! Anyway, the point is, I have no problem giving it up to "beautiful people" that are seriously talented, but I guess I pretty much feel that talent IS beauty, so if you're "pretty" and you're a fraud I think you're ugly and if you're ugly and you're amazing then I say you go with your un-brushed teeth. Well, okay, not un-brushed teeth. But you know what I mean.)