Monday, November 29, 2004

WELCOME BACK!

Welcome back, all ye holiday revelers! May the joy of the season be upon you!

Whatever, Carolyn... ;)

I hope everyone had as great a weekend as I did. I didn't do anything special, mostly just hang out with my family, but it's amazing how the people you can be a fat, zitty a-hole around are the ones who make you feel the most beautiful.

Bigg Upps to ma mere for the wonderful birthday presents and all that jazz. I got a winter coat! Isn't that great?! I DON'T HAVE TO FREEZE NOW! YES!

The best things in life are not necessarily free - it's just better if someone else pays for them for you.

On a side note... (Oh - that is soooooo retro, Carolyn!)

Did anyone watch "A Christmas Carol" last night starring Kelsey Grammer? I thought it was pretty good, but did they have to sing every 5 seconds? I mean, I'm all for a good old-school musical, but they were practically like, "I love you, I have to poo, it's Christmas, thank you very much."

What?... I'm not sure that conveyed any meaning whatsoever. My point is, I wanted to slap Jennifer Love Aguilera across the face while she was singing. That's all.

Here's a kind of funny review from the Chicago Sun-Times:
http://www.suntimes.com/output/entertainment/cst-ftr-grammer27.html

Ciao, bellas!

Friday, November 26, 2004

My Mom knitted me a scarf and a hat and I got to take a bath!

Just wanted everyone to know how awesome my Thanksgiving has been so far! I will post a picture of the new green scarf when I get prints made...

I took a bath, guys! Yeah!

Wednesday, November 24, 2004

"You Say It's Your Birthday!?"



"Happy, Happy Birthday!" That's the beginning of the song we used to have to sing to people at Applebee's when they lied in order to get a free sundae. That's why the song says, "You SAY it's your birthday," cuz it never really was...

This picture is from the party that Nichelle and I threw at Raga last Saturday night. As you can see, it was a blast!

Now, I'm about to head home to celebrate Thanksgiving, my niece's 7th birthday and my 28th birthday with my family and a big taper candle in a pile of mashed potatoes! YAY!

Be thankful! I know I am.

HAPPY LONG WEEKEND, LOVIES!
ckc


Friday, November 19, 2004

Finally! The beer has arrived...

Okay, Mom... and all others who follow my blog... you can stop worrying now - the beer cart just arrived on the 9th floor and I WILL be taking the subway home drunk.

I am so lucky that I have a mother who wants to make sure that I get my Friday beer. Good lookin' out, Mom.

HAPPY WEEKEND, LOVIES!

How come this is not my bathroom?



Remember what it was like having a tub, Carolyn?

Yes, Carolyn, I do. It was my parent's tub, and it still is theirs, but because I was living in their house and I was not yet 18 it was MY tub, too.

Yeah, that was great, wasn't it, Carolyn?

Yeah, man. Awesome.

Don't worry, someday you'll have a tub again, Carolyn.

I know, Carolyn. Thanks for reminding me to stay positive. You are such a good friend to me.

No, Carolyn. I AM you.

Oh.


Thursday, November 18, 2004

I have a migraine and I just got collagen...



Can you see the resemblance? "It's like a horror movie with those chins!" Oy-yoy-yoy. It's like my life!...

Notice how I get red devil eye when I make the Renee face?...

No, I'm totally just kidding, Renee. I can't wait to meet you. If you're reading this (and I know you are), please just stop pouting your lips for no reason.

Other than that I LOVE YOU!


I googled "poop" and this is what I got!



Well, not exactly. I was feeling poopy so I thought I'd google poop for a visual to share with you all. (Aren't you glad my google quest led me astray?) Instead, I found a link to www.moviepoopshoot.com, an entertainment website (named after the parody website in "Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back.") If you click the link in the title of this post you'll be taken to a full review of Renee Z. in Bridget Jones (by a very thin, sad looking blond girl - this will be important later) from that site. In the meantime, here are some excerpts:

"We just can't get enough of chunky, dumb chicks in our everyday life - we now need to watch one, and an Academy-Award-winning-one no less, make a complete ass of herself on the largeness of a movie screen."

Chunky, dumb chicks? What?! Like skinny chicks are so super smart? Weight has nothing to do with intellect. And I'm sure you know that, but there's nothing like using the word chunky as an insult! Well, there is: using the word skinny as an insult, as in "skinny bitch." But, I digress. I guess if you're dumb AND chunky you should feel bad for being alive. Of course, if you are dumb and chunky you're not smart enough to feel bad and you're probably so busy trying to get your pants to zip up that you don't have time to think about that anyway!

p.s. - I'm a chunky, SMART chick. And I hate doing the "I hate skinny girls" thing because I don't. But when you started with chunky and dumb you got me all riled up!

Moving on... "She dates the lady killer Hugh Grant (David) even though she's a chunk. She dates Colin Firth, (Darcy), a human rights attorney even though she continually embarrasses him at dinner parties and has nothing intelligent to talk about.... It's not that she's chubby - we would understand the usually harsh dictates of TV if and only if Bridget were just so witty and funny that they'd allow a few pounds pass."

Allow a few pounds pass? First of all, I think you mean "past" or "to pass," and second of all: Woah! But I'm trying to make a point here, so...

"But Bridget frequently acts like a feeble minded child, even a lunatic at times and as we all know in real life, the only way a woman can get away with being stupid is by being hot."

Now what were you saying about chunky, dumb chicks in your everyday life?... Apparently they don't exist! Have you ever met a chunky, dumb chick? EVER? All the chunky girls I've ever met were so witty and spent so much of their time developing their intellect and personality as a way to compensate for their fat that they were not only far from dumb but FABULOUS! But it gets better, so...

"Which is why Anna Nicole Smith has her own show, even when fat--she's just too gorgeous AND she's nuts making her, oddly, more an inspiration to women than Bridget Jones."

Pause. Take it in. Okay.

Anna Nicole Smith is an inspiration to women. Wow. I get it now. Whew! All this time I was reading Bust and Ms. trying to figure out who to draw inspiration from and there she was right in front of me on the subway! The TRIMSPA girl! Duh! Guess that's what I get for being a Chunky Dummy! Have some more ice cream, Carolyn!

"Now I sound incredibly HARSH here and I'm beginning to feel badly because I like Renee Zellweger."

You do?... I ask that for many different reasons...

"And Renee in other films is the perfect, lovable underdog Bridget. In NURSE BETTY I understood why Morgan Freeman became obsessed with her particular brand of sweet lunacy. In WHITE OLEANDER, I could physically feel how vulnerable she was-my body would flinch whenever she neared, lamb to slaughter, the ice princess/murderess character of gorgeous Michelle Pfeiffer. I love her for taking on roles where her interesting, pretty face is even mocked, as in ME, MYSELF AND IRENE where Jim Carrey all but says she looks like a shar-pei or in COLD MOUNTAIN where she (albeit over the top) mis-played a role that might normally go to someone like Kathy Bates. Though she nabbed the golden boy for MOUNTAIN (I think the Academy felt guilty about CHICAGO), her role stood out because it was for the wrong movie - Renee would have killed had she moved that character to an ANNIE GET YOUR GUN soundstage."

Now here's where we start to agree! Yes, she did act as if she was in a different movie than everyone else in Cold Mountain, as did the rest of the cast, which I think was mostly due to bad writing and lack of direction... but Jude Law sure is cute! (Course he'd never even look at a chunk like me because like you said in "real life" Colin Firth would never look at a girl who looks like me - even though my husband kinda looks like Colin Firth - and he has a PhD - but whatever.)

I did like White Oleander, I have to say. Renee played an insecure actress. She was good. I wonder why?...

My friend Tasha says I don't like Renee because I'm like Renee. My friend Tasha loves Renee. I surely take it as a compliment to be compared to Renee Zellweger. I just need her to stop doing THE LIPS!, and I need her to stop doing this:

"Thankfully, Renee is back to her featherweight frame and now sports fetching dark hair. She's already gracing magazine covers and modeling clothes in layouts that scream "No, I am not fat person. I only played one in a movie!"

Exactly! Which is my whole point about why they should never have cast her to begin with since there are plenty of real life Chunkys out there just dying to play a fun, Dummy role! It's an insult to women that are a size 12 (Kate Winslet in Titanic, by the way... little movie they put out a couple years ago... I think it won something?...) that Renee feels she has to prove to the world that she's "not fat." Not to mention how much toll the weight gain/loss must be taking on her body, and how annoying it must be for really fat people to hear about how Renee Zellweger got fat.

"But...back to BRIDGET. I think the female chortling in the theater has less to do with sisterhood and more to do with cruelly relishing Renee's fatness. It's like a horror movie those chins!"

What?! That is just craziness. I know I, for one, cruelly relish Renee's skinniness. You could see all 98 of her vertebrae in Chicago! Honestly, I feel bad for the girl. Her body image must be so distorted now. And she's not the first. Look at Minnie Driver - she became famous in a movie where she played a "fat girl" and then she dropped so much weight the outline of her jaw was like steel and she looked like one of the cartoon girls in the Steve Madden ads! No body - just head!

The bottom line is (no buns intended), nobody would be making a big stink over this movie, not even me, if the leading actress in it hadn't gained weight to play the role. Bridget Jones the character is supposed to be a normal, average, everyday girl, which I think Renee Zellweger was when she started her acting career. (Jerry Maguire is still one of my faves. Maybe that really does make me a Chubby/Dummy, but "I am the ambassador of Kwan" is classic!) The girl who wrote this review is obsessed with Bridget Jones' weight - not Renee Zellweger's acting - which just goes to show what a hot button issue weight is in our culture.

I hate the burka (don't get me started on that now...) but a lot of Muslim women say they'd rather dress traditionally than be exposed and judged for their bodies. After reading this review, I sorta know how they feel.

Skinny people don't want to look at fat people and fat people don't want to look at skinny people. We are a culture of extremes. People have such a hard time staying "medium sized" because they either feel bad that they're not skinny and overeat out of depression or they get neurotic about the fact that they're not skinny and workout like crazy. I've done both. But I'm like Bridget. I just want to have some cigarettes (even though I haven't had one since FRIDAY!), drink a bottle (or two) of wine and eat a chocolate croissant without it being a big deal.

Shit. I guess I have to go see the movie now. Damn you, Jones!


Wednesday, November 17, 2004

205 visitors!

Yippee! Yes! 205, baby! Ow!

I promise to celebrate each time the visitor count hits a new "hundred level." I can't believe I stopped obsessing about my blog long enough to miss the actual 200 mark, but I'm so happy people kept reading. I couldn't post yesterday because once again, I was at the Hyatt Hotel at a conference! This time it was Telecom - fun! T-Mobile wasn't there so I did not see Catherine Zeta-Jones. Bummer.

Keep on keepin' it real, blogship! Love ya!

Monday, November 15, 2004

Colin Quit.

I don't know what to say. Bush is losing people left and right. I feel like this is bad. Any chance you think he'll bring Albright back? Ha! She's DA BOMB!

This article makes me sick...

Be sure to read all three pages. What is this world coming to? You can't be in a talent show without being accused of being a terrorist?! Oy!

Whoopee, Whoopi!


I saw Whoopi Goldberg's one woman show on Saturday night. I was very excited, because it's not that often you get to see someone of her stature perform live and I figured it was gonna be great. But it wasn't. It was just... okay. I mean, she did one monologue where she was playing a handicapped woman that was AMAZING. I thought to myself, "This is why she won the Oscar." But that was the shortest and most serious piece in the show. Actually, the humor in that monologue stood out more than the rest because you were laughing in empathy with the character, not at some contrived punchline.

She did a lot of political stuff at the beginning that was very uninventive with the exception of a funny bit about Condoleezza. "She just gets on the plane - gets off the plane. Gets on the plane - gets off the plane. How come when she leaves the plane she looks like she just got some? (Tips across the stage, happy.) Laura never gets off the plane lookin' like that." I thought that was really funny. Other than that, most of her observations are made nightly in comedy clubs all over New York. In fact, she told a joke that another comic I know tells almost verbatim. (And she telegraphed the punchline, too.) She relied quite heavily on pee-pee jokes and did an entire 20 minute monologue about menstruation. (A big comedy no-no.) But, she did write the show 20 years ago (which I didn't realize going in) and that was probably "edgy" then, just like the monologue about the self-inflicted wire-hanger abortion. (The mood in the room shifted like everyone in their seats when she pantomimed that one.) At that point, I felt like I was trapped in a Jane Martin play being done by a Catholic high school. Ouch.

I think the reason I left the theatre let down was because I expected more of a stand-up show and this was really an old-fashioned piece of theatre. So, in that regard, I guess it was pretty good. But if you're expecting an hour and a half long laugh fest, watch an episode of Hollywood Squares instead. It's shorter and funnier, and you can eat at the same time.


Friday, November 12, 2004

Oh No, They Di-int!



Some things are just wrong. Like the Post.


Look at that butterfly...




Special Note to "Social Smokers"

Hey there Mr./Mz. Cool... yeah you, with the American Spirit Light in your hand. The one you just bummed from your friend who "doesn't really smoke" but just bought a pack since you guys are out partying... PUT THAT ADDICTIVE STICK OF DEATH DOWN! Yeah, "social smoker," that's right, I'm YELLING AT YOU! You know why? BECAUSE THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS BEING A "SOCIAL SMOKER." You are just telling yourself lies, my friend.

I know. I used to think I was a "social smoker." Someone who could control her, dare I say, "habit?" First I would only smoke when I was drinking, and only if I could bum one from a friend. Then I started buying one of those "party packs," you know the kind you buy on Friday and is gone by Monday but that you would never even think of on Tuesday-Thursday?...

Then suddenly, one Tuesday, about a year ago now, I did it. I smoked a non-bummed, non-party cigarette. IN THE MIDDLE OF THE AFTERNOON. No alcohol present. I was at work. I was stressed. I was NOT BEING SOCIAL.

I was all alone outside, pissed off, enjoying the wonderful feeling of rebellion as the dirty smoke hit my lungs. I loved it. I felt powerful. I felt strong. I felt a little sick, but it was nothing a nice ginger ale couldn't fix. I WAS A SMOKER.

But I didn't think I was.

I thought I could control myself. I thought I could quit at any time. I thought I was stronger than the tobacco in my hand.

But I wasn't.

And so now, on this day, approximately one year after I started smoking "for real," after about a year of "social smoking" before that, I QUIT.

I already want a cigarette. But I don't want a tracheotomy more.

My friends are quitting left and right, and I have got to take my chance. Isn't it time you took your chance, too, Mr./Mz. Cool?

Now, the reason I did not direct this diatribe at all you die-hard smokers out there is because you either:

a) know you have to quit
b) already tried to quit and can't
c) are committed to the fact that you're going to die of cancer and that's that

But the "social smoker" thinks he's smart. The "social smoker" thinks he's in control. He doesn't know he has to quit - he doesn't even know that he's started. Don't fool yourself, my friend. It's Friday - START STOPPING TODAY!

If anybody ever needs a patch, just give me a call.

Yours in a wrinkle and cough free state of youthful bliss,
Carolyn

Wednesday, November 10, 2004

I should have been in "Newsies..."

From Yahoo! News, interspersed with my witty insight:

WASHINGTON - With a hug and words of high praise, President Bush (news - web sites) named Alberto Gonzales as attorney general on Wednesday, elevating the administration's most prominent Hispanic to a highly visible post in the war on terror.

Carolyn says: Ooh! Bush is all about the Benetton School of Cabinetry. I just love a man who masquerades around like he actually believes in equality! Next thing you know he'll be doing the Taco Bell ads: "I'm Full! Of minorities in my cabinet! Why not? They only cost 99 cents!"

If confirmed by the Senate, the 49-year-old Texan would replace John Ashcroft (
news - web sites), who announced plans on Tuesday to step down after four stormy years in the post.

Carolyn says: Wow. Even Ashcroft thinks Bush is a whack-job.

Even before the formal announcement, one Senate liberal welcomed the appointment of "someone less polarizing" to the position. "We will have to review his record very carefully, but I can tell you already he's a better candidate than John Ashcroft," said Sen. Charles Schumer (news, bio, voting record), D-N.Y., a member of the Judiciary Committee (news - web sites).

Carolyn says: If he's good enough for Chuck, he's good enough for me. Did you know that Chuck Schumer can draw freehand and name every single county in New York State? Really. I read in it New York Magazine. Can you do that, Hillary? You better learn how to before 2008! My parents are watching!

Commerce Secretary Donald Evans also announced his resignation on Tuesday, and Republican officials have said they expect other departures from Bush's Cabinet and senior staff as he prepares for a second term in office.

Carolyn says: Uh-oh, Georgie. Looks like someone's losing brains. I mean, friends. But why worry? Prime Minister Allawi's family was kidnapped today... but everyone in Iraq loves him, right? Kerry was completely wrong to question that. Arafat's dying... Rehnquist is 80 and sick... people are going nuts in Holland over Theo van Gogh's death... they supposedly reached an accord in Darfur but the Sudanese police just raided a village and possibly used tear gas... Oy-yoy-yoy! I am definitely gonna need a beer after the show. (Some things never change...)

Tuesday, November 09, 2004

The 'Real' John Kerry Concession Speech

{This was forwarded to me; I am not the author, but I enjoyed it so I thought I'd post it here.}

My fellow Americans, the people of this nation have spoken, and spoken with a clear voice. So I am here to offer my concession. [Boos, groans, rending of garments.]

I concede that I overestimated the intelligence of the American people. Though the people disagree with the President on almost every issue, you saw fit to vote for him. I never saw that coming.


That's really special.

And I mean "special" in the sense that we use it to describe those kids who ride the short school bus and find ways to injure themselves while eating pudding with rubber spoons. That kind of special.

I concede that I misjudged the power of hate.

That's pretty powerful stuff, and I didn't see it. So let me take a moment to congratulate the President's strategists: Putting the gay marriage amendments on the ballot in various swing states like Ohio... well, that was just genius. Genius. It got people, a certain kind of people, to the polls. The unprecedented number of folks who showed up and cited "moral values" as their biggest issue, those people changed history. The folks who consider same sex marriage a more important issue than war, or terrorism, or the economy...

Who'd have thought the election would belong to them? Well, Karl Rove did. Gotta give it up to him for that. [Boos.]

Now, now. Credit where it's due.

I concede that I put too much faith in America's youth. With 8 out of 10 of you opposing the President, with your friends and classmates dying daily in a war you disapprove of, with your future being mortgaged to pay for rich old peoples' tax breaks, you somehow manage to sit on your asses and watch the Cartoon Network while aging homophobic hillbillies carried the day. You voted with the exact same anemic percentage that you did in 2000. You suck. Seriously, y'do. [Cheers, applause] Thank you. Thank you very much.

There are some who would say that I sound bitter, that now is the time for healing, to bring the nation together. Let me tell you a little story. Last night, I watched the returns come in with some friends. As the night progressed, people began to talk half-seriously about secession, a red state / blue state split. The reasoning was this: We in blue states produce the vast majority of the wealth in this country and pay the most taxes, and you in the red states receive the majority of the money from those taxes while complaining about 'em.

We in the blue states are the only ones who've been attacked by foreign terrorists, yet you in the red states are gung ho to fight a war in our name. We in the blue states produce the entertainment that you consume so greedily each day, while you in the red states show open disdain for us and our values. Blue state civilians are the actual victims and targets of the war on terror, while red state civilians are the ones standing behind us and yelling "Oh, yeah!? Bring it on!"

More than 40% of you Bush voters still believe that Saddam Hussein had something to do with 9/11. I'm impressed by that, truly I am. Your sons and daughters who might die in this war know it's not true, the people in the urban centers where al Qaeda wants to attack know it's not true, but those of you who are at practically no risk believe this easy lie because you can. As part of my concession speech, let me say that I really envy that luxury. I concede that.

Healing? We, the people at risk from terrorists, the people who subsidize you, the people who speak in glowing and respectful terms about the heartland of America while that heartland insults and excoriates us... we wanted some healing. We spoke loud and clear. And you refused to give it to us, largely because of your high moral values. You knew better: America doesn't need its allies, doesn't need to share the burden, doesn't need to unite the world, doesn't need to provide for its future. Hell no. Not when it's got a human shield of pointy-headed, atheistic, non-confrontational breadwinners who are willing to pay the bills and play nice in the vain hope of winning a vote that we can never have. Because we're "morally inferior," I suppose, we are supposed to respect your values while you insult ours. And the big joke here is that for 20 years, we've done just that.

It's not a "ha-ha" funny joke, I realize, but it's a joke all the same.

And I make this pledge to you today: THIS time, next time, there will be NO pandering. This time I will run with all the open and joking contempt for my opponents that our President demonstrated towards the cradle of liberty, the Ivy League intellectuals, the "media elite," and the "white-wine sippers." This time I will not pretend that the simple folk of America know just as much as the people who devote their lives to serving and studying the nation and the world. They don't.

So that's why I'm asking for your vote in 2008, America. I'm talking to you, you ignorant, slack-jawed yokels, you bible-thumping, inbred drones, you redneck, racist, chest-thumping, perennially duped grade-school grads. Vote for me, because I know better, and I truly believe that I can help your smug, sorry asses. Thank you, and may God, if she does in fact exist, bless each and every one of you.

Monday, November 08, 2004

Celebrity Sighting #67



I saw Katie Holmes today. She was walking down 6th Ave. Katie, if you're reading this (and I know you are) DAMN GIRL, YOU LOOK GOOD!

See, here's what I love about Katie Holmes - she looks like everyone else. I mean, don't get me wrong, she sure is pretty, but she could have been any one of the girls I work with at the Investment Bank. She was wearing a lovely salmon pink Ann Taylor-ish coat (though I'm sure it was Marc Jacobs) and nice dark brown square shaped sunglasses that you could buy on the street (though I'm sure they were Chanel.)

I knew it was her the instant I saw her - it's those lips. I wanted to make sure it was actually her before I blogged it (because I know my blog is where a lot of people get their news and I'm all about accuracy) and guess what? She's, um, presenting at the Glamour Women of the Year Awards tonight! Cha-ching! Katie Holmes: Celebrity Sighting #67.

Now, have I really seen 67 celebrities in the flesh? Probably not. But I have seen quite a few. I met Eric Stoltz once. He is so nice and super-cute to boot! Eric, if you're reading this (and I know you are) THANK YOU FOR SAYING I WAS "VERY FUNNY." I WILL TAKE THAT TO MY GRAVE!!!

Ellen - did you know Eric thought I was "very funny?" Yet another reason to let me guest host, huh? Huh?

Come see me at Chicks and Giggles tomorrow night at Raga. For all the details, click the link to the C&G blog on this page. It should be "very funny."


Friday, November 05, 2004

Amen!



This map is courtesy of "emdot" who is a member of Flickr. Thank you, emdot! (Click it to see a bigger version.)


Thursday, November 04, 2004

Rich people are annoying

There is an entire mob of rich New Yorkers attacking my workspace right now. And not just rich like "I work hard on Wall Street and therefore I am rich." Rich like "My family hasn't worked in three generations" rich. They are here on the 14th floor of UBS looking at "art." There's this huge, ugly painting of fish and tea and sushi to the right of where I'm sitting and everyone is fawning over it. One woman even said to me, "You are so lucky to work next to this every day." Well, lady, first of all, I don't work next to this every day - I would think you could infer that given the fact that I'm sitting at a table with a white cloth on it that has been set up in the lobby, and secondly, I think this is the ugliest painting I've ever seen. I'm trying to direct people to their meetings and the richies are going "Could you move that sign so I can see the entire painting?" Of course! I wouldn't want you to miss the section that shows the eggplant spilling out of the pink plastic bag...

As the mob was walking away, some lady was whispering to one of her friends and looking at me. That is so rude. I just know she was going, "She made such a big deal about moving that sign! She obviously has no idea how important that piece is. I don't know why you even stopped to talk to her. She's the help."

Please kill me if I am ever a lady of leisure who talks about "the help." If I ever make it to the point where I am rich, I'm not gonna be dripping in ermine and pearls reeking of Chanel No. 5. I'm gonna be like Rosie O'Donnell and just have more shit from KMart. Designer clothes won't fit me anyway, unless I pay for a trainer, but then that's one less Martha Stewart candle. I know she's rich, too, but she's all about keepin' it real for us regular peeps, and I just love her for that. I can't wait to see what happens when she gets out of jail!

Ah, a reason to be happy again. Thank God for Bread and Circuses.

Wednesday, November 03, 2004

I'm not alone...


"Don't you see? The rest of the country looks upon New York like we're left-wing, communist, Jewish, homosexual pornographers. I think of us that way sometimes and I live here."

-Woody Allen, Annie Hall

Photo Illustration by Mirko Ilic from NewYorkMetro.com.


Comments on Bush's speech

Did Cheney just say Bush had a MANDATE?...

As in "Mandate from Heaven?"

How do you type out a barfing sound?...................

That's right, thank Mommy and Daddy. They taught you everything you don't know.

It is not possible that a man who goes by his middle initial is fit to be the President.

Praying? Again with the praying?

Lead our country forward? FORWARD? No gay marriage? Reversing Roe v. Wade? Recreating Vietnam? Sounds like a future to me!

"Resource of Our National Power" - is it me, or does that not make sense?

Did he just thank me for voting for Kerry?

I believe you will do all you can do to deserve my trust but there's NOTHING you can do to get it... it's just not in your "resource of personal power."

TEXAS?!?! LET THEM SECEDE FROM THE UNION ALREADY!

At least it was short...
_____________________________________
My mother offered her condolences to me today, which I thought was nice. We were talking about how divided our nation is and how different New York State is from everywhere else. I think the East Coast should break off into the Ocean and be it's own country. (It's gonna happen to California no matter what...) Then the big, red middle can be all by itself - hicky and happy.

I know it's not that simple, and that there are people of all ideologies everywhere, but I just don't see how the next four years can go by without something bad happening. I pray it won't (I can do that because I am not a politician) but I worry...

Okay - this is b.s. I have a show tonight! I'm gonna go put my happy face on now. See you tomorrow...

From "The Onion"

NATIONAL MUSEUM OF THE MIDDLE CLASS OPENS IN SCHAUMBURG, IL
SCHAUMBURG, IL - The Museum of the Middle Class, featuring historical and anthropological exhibits addressing the socioeconomic category that once existed between the upper and lower classes, opened to the public Monday.

"The splendid and intriguing middle class may be gone, but it will never be forgotten," said Harold Greeley, curator of the exhibit titled "Where The Streets Had Trees' Names." "From their weekend barbecues at homes with backyards to their outdated belief in social mobility, the middle class will forever be remembered as an important part of American history."

Museum guests expressed delight over the traditions and peculiarities of the middle class, a group once so prevalent that entire TV networks were programmed to satisfy its hunger for sitcoms.

"It's fascinating to think that these people once drove the same streets as we do today," said Natasha Ohman, a multi-millionaire whose husband's grandfather invented the trigger-safety lock on handguns. "I enjoyed learning how the middle class lived, what their customs were, and what sorts of diversions and entertainment they enjoyed. Being part of this middle class must have been fascinating!"

During the modern industrial age, the middle class grew steadily, reaching its heyday in the 1950s, when its numbers soared into the tens of millions. According to a study commissioned by the U.S. Census Bureau, middle-class people inhabited great swaths of North America, with settlements in the Great Plains, the Rocky Mountains, the Pacific Northwest, and even the nation's urban centers.

"No one predicted the disappearance of the middle class," said Dr. Bradford Elsby, a history professor at the University of Pennsylvania. "The danger of eliminating workers' unions, which had protected the middle class from its natural predators for years, was severely underestimated. We believe that removal of the social safety net, combined with rapid political-climate changes, made life very difficult for the middle class, and eventually eradicated it altogether."

One of the 15 permanent exhibits, titled "Working For 'The Weekend,'" examines the routines of middle-class wage-earners, who labored for roughly eight hours a day, five days a week. In return, they were afforded leisure time on Saturdays and Sundays. According to many anthropologists, these "weekends" were often spent taking "day trips,"eating at chain family restaurants, or watching "baseball" with the nuclear family.

"Unlike members of the lower class, middle-class people earned enough money in five days to take two days off to 'hang out,'" said Benson Watercross, who took a private jet from his home in Aspen to visit the museum. "Their adequate wages provided a level of comfort and stability, and allowed them to enjoy diversions or purchase goods, thereby briefly escaping the mundanity."

Many museum visitors found the worldview of the middle class with its reliance on education, stable employment, and ample pensions difficult to comprehend.
Thirty-five Booker T. Washington Junior High School seventh-graders, chosen from among 5,600 students who asked to attend the school's annual field trip, visited the museum Tuesday. Rico Chavez, a 14-year-old from the inner-city Chicago school, said he was skeptical of one exhibit in particular.

"They expect us to believe this is how people lived 10 years ago?" Chavez asked. "That 'Safe, Decent Public Schools' part was total science fiction. No metal detectors, no cops or dogs, and whole classes devoted to art and music? Look, I may have flunked a couple grades, but I'm not that stupid."

Others among the 99 percent of U.S. citizens who make less than $28,000 per year shared Chavez's sense of disbelief.

"Frankly, I think they're selling us a load of baloney," said laid-off textile worker Elsie Johnson, who visited the museum Tuesday with her five asthmatic children. "They expect us to believe the government used to help pay for college? Come on. The funniest exhibit I saw was 'Visiting The Family Doctor.' Imagine being able to choose your own doctor and see him without a four-hour wait in the emergency room. Gimme a friggin' break!"

While some were incredulous, others described the Museum of the Middle Class as "a trip down memory lane." William Harrison, a retired social worker with middle-class heritage, said he was moved to tears by several of the exhibits.

"You wouldn't know it to look at me, but my parents were middle class," Harrison said. "Even though my family fell into poverty, I cherish those roots. Seeing that section on middle-class eating habits really brought it all back: the Tuna Helper, the Capri Sun, and the cookie dough in tubes. Oh, and the 2-percent milk and reduced-cholesterol butter spread! I was thankful for the chance to rediscover my past, even if the middle class is gone forever."

The Museum of the Middle Class was funded primarily by the Ford Foundation, the charitable arm of the Ford automotive company, which sold cars to the middle class for nearly 100 years.

The freedom train just stalled on the track



I am so depressed today. I can't even stand to be alive right now. I really want to cry but I'm so tired, I can't.

I thought this picture would cheer me up, and it is, but when I first saw it I actually did cry a little. I mean, look at the slogan, "Believe in America." How beautiful is that? And the rainbow? Perfect. This is the gayest picture not to feature assless chaps ever.

You know what? I think it would be fricking great if gay people and black people ruled the world. Everyone would be fabulous looking, full of good food and dancing. What is everyone so afraid of?

Kerry just conceded. I can't believe it. I can't believe it. I really am going to cry.


Tuesday, November 02, 2004

Go, Go! Go Johnny Go, Go!



I can't stop thinking about the election. I wish it was the end of the day so I was home already and I could just watch TV all night. I just want Kerry to win so bad, even more than I wanted Ryan Ruf to like me like me in 9th grade. (Please let Ryan Ruf read my blog and email me like "Hey, Carolyn... How've you been?" That would be priceless.)

But not as priceless as a big JK win! I called my Mom today to see who she voted for (even though deep in my heart I knew she was voting for Bush.) She hasn't voted yet, but she says she and my Dad are both voting for George Bush because "your father wants to annihilate all those people over there and he doesn't want to see the gays get married." Now, the weird thing is, my father is so cool and if you were a gay Muslim and you walked into his house he (a) wouldn't know and (b) even if he did know and you were my friend he would give you a big hug and a bowl of pasta. I think that's how people are: on a local level, they love their gay hairdresser and his boyfriend but on a national level they're thinking, "Do they really hump with their butts?"

I don't know. I just can't wait to have Bday cake (HBD April!) and watch The Daily Show. I AM FREAKING OUT!



Click here for Ani's great slideshow on Suffrage!



Celebrate your rights today, people!


I voted for John Kerry!



Yes! Yes I did! Woo Hoo! I feel so GOOOOOOOOODDDDDDD!!!!!!!

Here's what happened: I walked into my polling place (LaGuardia House on 116th Street) and was greeted by a friendly man who said "Downstairs for voting." I found my way to the basketball court and the table by the door where two women were checking addresses. Then they sent me to station 80 where I had to tell the women my name and sign the roster. No one asked me for my ID, which I thought was a good thing, though I did have it at the ready. One disappointing thing was that the women working the booth did not ask me if I knew how to use the machine and the machine was harder to use than the ones I've used in the past. (This just made me worry about people who might not be able to figure it out but feel too embarrassed to ask for help.) Instead of having to pull the lever to close the curtain, the curtain stayed closed, so it wasn't so obvious that you had to pull the lever to start. It was down at the bottom of all the buttons (usually it's at the top). There were directions (in English only) on the left wall of the booth, so I read them and then started flicking the little buttons all the way down the Democratic column like a giddy school girl. I took a breath, stepped back to make sure the x was really next to JOHN KERRY and then cranked that lever in the opposite direction as hard as I could. It was sexual. It was cathartic. I made love to my country!

That reminds me of an Ani song that I would like to share with you all on this Election Day:

grand canyon

i love my country
by which i mean
i am indebted joyfully
to all the people throughout its history
who have fought the government to make right
where so many cunning sons and daughters
our foremothers and forefathers
came singing through slaughter
came through hell and high water
so that we could stand here
and behold breathlessly the sight
how a raging river of tears
cut a grand canyon of light

yes, i've bin so many places
flown through vast empty spaces
with stewardesses whose hands
look much older than their faces
i've tossed so many napkins
into that big hole in the sky
bin at the bottom of the atlantic
seething in a two-ply
looking up through all that water
and the fishes swimming by
and i don't always feel lucky
but i'm smart enough to try
cuz humility has buoyancy
and above us only sky
so i lean in
breathe deeper that brutal burning smell
that surrounds the smoldering wreckage
that i've come to love so well
yes, color me stunned and dazzled
by all the red white and blue flashing lights
in the american intersection
where black crashed head on with white
comes a melody
comes a rhythm
a particular resonance
that is us and only us
comes a screaming ambulance
a hand that you can trust
laid steady on your chest
working for the better good
(which is good at its best)
and too, bearing witness
like a woman bears a child:
with all her might

born of the greatest pain
into a grand canyon of light

i mean, no song has gone unsung here
and this joint is strung crazy tight
and people bin raising up their voices
since it just ain't bin right
with all the righteous rage
and all the bitter spite
that will accompany us out
of this long night
that will grab us by the hand
when we are ready to take flight
seatback and traytable
in the upright and locked position
shocked to tears by each new vision
of all that my ancestors have done

like, say, the women who gave their lives
so that i could have one

people, we are standing at ground zero
of the feminist revolution
yeah, it was an inside job
stoic and sly
one we're supposed to forget
and downplay and deny
but i think the time is nothing
if not nigh
to let the truth out
coolest f-word ever deserves a f*cking shout!
i mean
why can't all decent men and women
call themselves feminists?
out of respect
for those who fought for this
i mean, look around
we have this

yes
i love my country
by which i mean
i am indebted joyfully
to all the people throughout its history
who have fought the government to make right
where so many cunning sons and daughters
our foremothers and forefathers
came singing through slaughter
came through hell and high water
so that we could stand here
and behold breathlessly the sight
how a raging river of tears
is cutting a grand canyon of light

words and music by ani difranco © 2004 righteous babe music / BMI


Monday, November 01, 2004

An Analgesic Election Analogy

Today, on my way to drop off my timesheet, I walked by a McDonald's and thought to myself, "Mmm... Big Mac." Then I thought, "Carolyn, McDonald's is disgusting. It's not even real meat." So I went to Burger King. I got a Spicy Chicken Sandwich combo with crispy, crunchy fries and an ice cold Diet Coke. It was perfect. I have never had a better fast food experience in my life.

So then I realized, the people who will vote for George Bush tomorrow are like people who go to McDonald's. Even though they know it's bad for them and might make them wanna puke later, it reminds them of their childhood when everything was simpler and the world felt safe. They can handle fake meat as long as it comes with a cool plastic toy. And I understand... McDonald's is hard to resist, what with the bright, shiny colors and all that aggressive advertising. But when you start to feel sucked in to the McDream you have to say to yourself, "There is so much information out there about how bad this is for me. And just because they finally added salad to the menu and started making their nuggets with actual chicken doesn't mean that they're not the same old craphouse they always were." Just because "Super Size Me" was made by a liberal doesn't mean it isn't true.

Now, to be fair, Burger King is not all that different from McDonald's. I think everyone knows that. Even people who eat at Burger King are totally willing to admit that it's not that much better. (But they do have those cool paper hats. I'll take a crown over a GI Joe figure anyday.) I mean, it's not like Burger King serves tofu on china plates with cloth napkins. No. But Burger King has something McDonald's doesn't.

Onion Rings.

Onion Rings! Think of it! You go to Burger King - you get to choose: french fries, or ONION RINGS! Just typing it makes me feel free! At the BK, you can have it your way, my friends, and I don't see any reason why you would pass that up. You don't want cheese on your Whopper - fine! No problem! You want extra pickle on your Bacon Double Cheeseburger - go for it! We won't even charge you! Because we think you know what you want and you want what you deserve.

Let's face it - as far as fast food goes, that's just a little more "Euro" than McDonald's can handle. They think you don't know how to choose. They think you should be told how your food is gonna come. They're not about that kind of sophistication. That's why their spokesperson is a clown.

Look, all I'm tryin' to say is, if you like McDonald's, you'll like Burger King. I swear. It's the same basic stuff only better. And, um, smarter. More open-minded. Less willing to kill for non-renewable sources of energy. That sort of thing.

I hope you get this, Mom. Not to say that you're not sophisticated - I know you are. We've been to the BK together. I'm just sayin', I know how comfortable you are with McDonald's and how Dad likes their coffee and how Gabriela likes their breakfast. But seriously, why not have it your way and vote for JK?

But even if you do go back to McDonald's, it's fine, because in the end New York State is all about the King. It's times like this that make me wish I lived in PA, so my vote would actually make a difference...

"Oh, Aunt Kathy..."

Okay, Jackasses, (and Elephants, too...)

SEE YOU AT THE POLLS!