Everybody's gotta have a dream...

I was kinda bored today, so I decided to read Page Six Online. I was flipping - or clicking, I guess - through the celebrity photos and I came across this picture of Miss Piggy and Kermie at the Emmy's. They look so great, don't they? I mean, look at Kermit's face. He's as happy as a clam, smiling as if to say "Hey guys! I'm in love and this pig is mine!" And Piggy is just basking in the glow, happy to be recovered from that brain aneurism she suffered last year. Her hair looks amazing, her jewels are fabulous and her snout-job is absolutely flawless! It's so refreshing to see a Hollywood marriage last despite personal tragedy and all the hounding by the paparazzi. Two years ago, when the Enquirer wouldn't leave them alone about having half-pig, half-frog babies, I really thought they were headed for doom. Of course, the baby story was all a sham, because as you know if you read People, Kermit actually had a vasectomy after his first marriage to Gonzo's sister. Piggy is so strong to be okay with being childless - after all, children are the ultimate accessory these days and motherhood has never been more chic. But Piggy never was one to cave into pressure. When the studio tried giving her diet pills during "Muppets Take Manhattan," she said, "I'm a pig, for Christ's sake! You hired me! Now deal with it!" I so admire her ability to just be herself. That's why she looks so great! Self-esteem is the makeup of champions! And animals against animal testing, which, if you've been to The Body Shop lately, you know Miss Piggy is.

I could go on for hours, but I won't. A picture speaks a thousand words and I've already typed 301. Bottom line, pork is not just what's for dinner, it's also an international superstar! I hope one day to be as fabulous as Miss Piggy, standing on the red carpet on my hind legs and smiling. MWAH!

Party Pooper

The following two articles were published by The New York Daily News:

Gridlock Sam

TRAFFIC FORECAST FOR THURSDAY, SEPT. 23, 2004

One more event to add luster to an already brilliant array of traffic-stoppers: a star-studded pajama party at the Plaza hotel. Hosted by Tide - that's right, the detergent people - it will have drivers spinning 11a.m. to 3p.m. Thursday. Unless being hung out to dry is your idea of getting out and about, keep away from 59thSt. and Central Park South.

Note: This article, published AFTER the one below, implies that the pajama party was "star-studded." That's what I was told, as evidenced in my previous post. But...

Inner Tube

Odd laundry list of popular stars

File under What Will They Think of Next:

The folks at detergent maker Tide asked 1,000 women what TV personality they would want to have over for a pajama party.

Perky Kelly Ripa, half of the "Live With Regis & Kelly" morning team, was the top choice of those queried.

Following Ripa in popularity were Jennifer Aniston, Ellen DeGeneres, Sarah Jessica Parker and Katie Couric.

Of course, we're assuming those queried all wanted them wearing pajamas washed in Tide.

Celebrities on the list have been invited to Tide's World's Largest Pajama Party, Thursday at the Plaza Hotel from 11 a.m.-3 p.m.

Note: This article states that the celebs were simply INVITED, but not that they would attend. Guess what, Gridlock Sam? They didn't. Not only did I not introduce myself to Ellen, I didn't even get a glimpse of her from afar. Ellen, if you're reading this (and I know you are) I'm sorry. I didn't mean for it to be this way. On the upside, though, I did get a goodie bag out of the deal, with fluffy socks that say Tide (can you say new fashion trend?), scrapbooking supplies (what? Karen Neuburger knows me best!), popcorn (designer popcorn? what is this world coming to?!) and, the piece de resistance, bubble bath! If only I had a tub... I would go home, pop that Karen Neuburger corn, fill the bath with my new suds, curl up with a good book ("My Point... and I Do Have One" by You Know Who!) and scrapbook pictures of the Ellen/Carolyn meeting that never was.

Pajama Party

So, I'm at the Plaza, and they are hosting this Pajama Party that Ellen DeGeneres, Jennifer Aniston, Kelly Rippa and Sarah Jessica Parker are supposed to attend. This is an exciting concept, because that means I could go "hang out" with Ellen! I know most girls would just die to meet SJP, and some would fawn over Jennifer, maybe a few housewives would drool over Kelly... but for me, it's all about The Ellen. She is so funny and has been through so much. I feel as if we'd become instant friends... jumping up and down on the beds they've set up, hitting each other with feather pillows until we both fall down laughing while a gentle rain of goose down trickles over the top of our heads... It would be as if no one else was in the room, just two misunderstood jokesters feeling as one, laughing at the folly of life. But what if it wasn't like that? What if it was weird and awkward and she thought I was hitting on her since I forgot to wear my wedding rings today and I have short hair and am wearing a very smart pantsuit? Would she buy that I am at a conference around the corner, or would she think I was a stalker? Would she think I was gettin' all Single White Female on her ass and trying to BE her? Because I'm totally not. First of all, she has blonde hair and I have brown hair, and second of all, she is skinnier than me. That alone makes us nothing alike. And just because I'm a comic doesn't mean we'd get along... I mean, she does observational, my stuff is physical and character-driven. What if she thinks that's a copout? "I spent years cataloguing my experience with things like keys and flashlights and you get away with doing an accent and making a face? Loser!"

Maybe I won't go over there. I don't want to ruin a good thing, you know? Our relationship right now is pretty flawless, and I don't want actually meeting her to screw that up. I've read both her books and I've watched her specials and that's just going to have to be enough. If you're reading this Ellen (and I know you are) please understand that it's not that I don't care. I just think it's better this way. You've got your world and I've got mine. Yours has better stuff in it, but still. Maybe someday we can do a movie together, like Mr. Wrong II, and you can play my mom. Oh my God, that would be perfect! See you on the Silver Screen, funny lady! Until then... goodnight!

Mmmm... Lunch!

Isn't it the best when you eat something and it makes you so happy you don't ever want to stop eating it? But then if you didn't stop eating it, you'd probably hate it because you'd get bored. Although I eat a lot of pizza, and I am still totally in love with it. That's how you know you have a good relationship with a food. Even though you try other foods, you just keep comin' back to (insert your favorite yummykin here), cuz it's the best! Like, I'm having my burger, and it's fun. And tomorrow I'm not gonna regret my time with the burger. I'm not gonna ask it for my CD back, or make it feel bad about the weight it made me gain. I'm just gonna keep it real, and if burger calls me again, I'll be like "Yo. I'm not sure I can see you. I have to see if I have plans with pizza." And it'll be cool. Cuz the good thing about burger is, he's a good guy. And he's got other ladies he can see. I'm not the only biatch who likes a good burger. And pizza... he understands. He's not jealous. He just a good, old fashioned, guy. Don't get me wrong, he can be a little bit cheesy - like the time he got me a felt rose with a white bear glued to it for Valentine's Day - but my pizza doesn't haven't a lot of dough. He does have a lot of sausage, though - if you know what I mean! But that's not why I love him. I love pizza because we go way back, and you just can't get that kind of understanding from a new food. Sure they may be pretty, like salad, or trendy, like sushi, but they weren't there when you stayed up for three nights in college just to finish that Chekov project. They weren't there at your 9th birthday party when your next door neighbor told you she thought you had fat thighs. They weren't there when you went to your first sleepover and accidentally wet the person's bed. But pizza was. He's never failed me. I owe my ass to him.

What do you do with a drunken sailor?

Why is it that people love to get together and abuse themselves? We drink coffee, alcohol, smoke cigarettes... How come nobody ever says, "Hey man - wanna come over and pound a gallon of water? Let's just go buck wild and throw back a bag of carrots! Oh - I know - after we get really healthed up - we can take our clothes off and run out into traffic to show everyone how sculpted our butts are!" This seems like a great idea now that I have a hangover. But later, when I read this post sober, I am going to feel like a geek.

Some people just can't leave the past behind...

Friends... This is a monumentous occasion. Below are the contents of my former blog, formerly located on my website in a former life that actually ended today so it's not all that former, but hey... I will miss it. But death and rebirth is the cycle of life and the plot of several soap operas. So, rest in peace, good buddy. I think my mother is going to cry.

"What is a day in the life of Carolyn Castiglia like?" you ask yourself?... Well, this page is here to tell ya! Dedicated to the ever-popular and very "now" blog style of writing, this page allows me to keep in touch with my public (family) and entertain everyone (me) while I'm busy being creative (temping.)

September 17, 2004 - Here is something I wrote:

DON'T DROP THE LAVENDER-SCENTED, BERRY INFUSED, CANDY-COLORED SOAP
by Carolyn Castiglia, Mintyfresh Press Corps

The audience stood and clapped as Martha Stewart left her press conference Wednesday, during which she stated she was ready to serve her prison sentence and put the scandal surrounding her and her company behind her. Which begs the question: Who goes to prison and gets a standing ovation? I can only imagine Nelson Mandela's reaction. "When I went to prison it was, 'Hey Nelson, Don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out! Good luck, buddy - Don't drop the shea butter!' But no! Not for Martha! 'Oh, Martha, we love you! We'll write to you every day on handmade parchment!' That's bullshit. I ended Apartheid and she gets an ovation for being an anal bitch?" Yes, Nelson, that's right. You may have ended the systematic government sponsored oppression of indigenous South Africans, but can you make a Halloween costume out of a single egg? I didn't think so.

At one point in her swansong, Martha mentioned how much she would miss her pets, even the chickens. That made me cry, because you know how affectionate chickens are toward their owners. Don't worry, Martha; I'm sure you'll see them when you get back, staring up at you from your salad plate. "Why Mommy? Why did you let us die?! You only saved $45 on that trade - you could have saved OUR LIVES! Brwk." I'm sure Martha regrets having been so self-centered, but this little break in the Big House will give her lots of time for self-reflection, redefining her priorities and making lots and lots of candy hearts for her Valentine's Day release. Let's just hope some of them say "Will you be my bitch?" I've been waiting for that for years.

On a side note...

I'm looking at a nice picture of my friends and I that we took at a bar. We all look so happy, so young, so fresh-faced. Never deny the power of alcohol to give you that perfect blush. That's my "Living" Tip of the Day.

September 14, 2004 - Oprah gave away a car to every single person in her audience yesterday. They were freaking out. And when I say freaking out, I mean housewives from Minnesota allowed themselves to be filmed humping the window of a Pontiac. I mean, it's not like it was a BMW. That's worth f*cking. But a Pontiac? That's not even worth getting laid IN, letting alone gyrating on. I mean, seriously - the fact that it has a spoiler DOES NOT make it cool. Sell that sh*t and buy a Dior purse. At least that's got some resale value. Plus, it'll do wonders to spruce up that new sweater from Penny's. (Trust me, I know. My friend Laura has a Dior purse and I have a sweater from Penny's.) But a Pontiac? That just makes you look like you're about to beat your kids in the Wal*Mart parking lot for drinking their Frosty so they couldn't finish their fries. I mean, you might as well just knock out one of the windows and fill it with duct tape. It's gonna happen anway. (Trust me, I know. An ex-boyfriend had a Pontiac and I have my dignity.)

On a side note...

The Yankees lost to the Kansas City Royals last night. Talk about embarrassing. That's like being filmed having sex with a Pontiac. Shocking, pathetic, but fun for the rest of the world to laugh at.

September 13, 2004 - I just realized as I typed today's date that two people I once dated, back to back actually, are celebrating their birthday today. That is crazy! I dated two Virgos - with the same exact birthday - one right after the other? What was I thinking?! My mother is a Virgo. I should have known it wouldn't work out.

On a side note...

I entertained 18 year olds this weekend. At first, I was nervous about it, because you know, 18 year olds can be too cool for school and you don't know what'll impress them. But they were amazing. I kinda felt like their mother. It was weird. Cuz some of them were chubbier than me, which made me feel good. Is that wrong? It was just baby fat, but still. It was there. I just wanted to pinch it. In a good way. I think I love them. Maybe colleges are the way to go for me... I'm a HUGE hit with 6 year olds. And 2 year olds? FUGGETABOUTIT! The younger the better. Screw it - I should just entertain pregnant ladies. Carolyn Castiglia - Pioneer of Pre-Natal Comedy.

September 8, 2004 - Today the subway flooded. Can you believe that? We pay millions of dollars in taxes to maintain the subway system that is the heart and soul of New York City, and the MTA forgets to put drains in the tracks? Are you kidding me? I'm really looking forward to taking the Chunnel now. I'm sure it's very safe. Build a tunnel underground, UNDER THE OCEAN! If it floods, no problem, just swim! Of course, the Chunnel was built by the British, so the quality could be better. After all, the British did invent the Beatles. And fried cow innards. Mmm...

I bet John Kerry has a plan to prevent subway flooding. He'd probably share it if he could stop talking about Iraq and Vietnam in that milquetoasty way he does trying to please people who think he's a pansy and started paying attention to the people that actually plan on voting for him. That's like trying to get a guy who doesn't like you to like you. HE DOESN'T LIKE YOU! HE'S NEVER GONNA LIKE YOU! HE THINKS YOU'RE NEEDY AND DESPERATE AND HE MAKES FUN OF YOU WHEN YOU'RE NOT AROUND. Granted that makes him an asshole and you don't know why you're even attracted to him, or trying to impress him, since he's RETARDED but you think one day that shrapnel in your leg will finally be good enough. Trust me. It won't. (Thankfully one day you'll find out it wasn't you and that he was just gay.) Whew.

I wonder what Dubya would say about the subway flooding? "See, these things happen. When it rains, the water, well, it makes puddles. And sometimes those puddles get so big they flood the subway. It's called subifipudification. It happens. But we're gonna stop it. We're gonna smoke those subimifipuds out of their holes, and we're gonna prevent them from cloggin' up the arterial of New York City. Because if there's two things I can't stand it's subifimpuds, and arteriamals. And gays. Oh yeah - GAYS! I almost forgot about the gays! Never mind. Subifimuds are not the problem. The gays are! Ban them from the subway. If they can't stop lickin' each others butts - let 'em walk to work!"

I don't know why I'm complaining. I actually took a cab.

On a side note...

Chicks and Giggles was great last night. We had a lovely audience and some really funny women. Yay for boobies!

September 7, 2004 - And we're back! I am so psyched to host Chicks and Giggles tonight! We are gonna get this party started right! Nothin' like a little laughter to warm you as the cool air draws in...

I hope all of my faithful readers (Mom) had a nice Labor Day weekend (while I was visiting) and I look forward to a lovely fall!

On a side note...

There is no side note today. Unless you're a purist, then I guess that was it.

Click the title of this post for my entries from June-August 2004. I love you, website-based blog. Goodnight. Goodbye!

Am I really doing this?

Until now I've hosted my blog on my website - www.carolyncastiglia.com - but I want to free up some space over there and hopefully up my readership by moving it to the Blogspot - Blogger! We shall see how it goes. (Love that usage of the Royal 'We.') Should I copy and paste some old posts from my website to their new home... or should I just just start fresh from here?...

This has now turned into a big philosophical moment in my life. Not something I planned, but hey... It's kinda like losing weight from being sick. Nobody plans that, but that doesn't mean it's not good.

With Love,
ckc