Thursday, November 18, 2004

I googled "poop" and this is what I got!



Well, not exactly. I was feeling poopy so I thought I'd google poop for a visual to share with you all. (Aren't you glad my google quest led me astray?) Instead, I found a link to www.moviepoopshoot.com, an entertainment website (named after the parody website in "Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back.") If you click the link in the title of this post you'll be taken to a full review of Renee Z. in Bridget Jones (by a very thin, sad looking blond girl - this will be important later) from that site. In the meantime, here are some excerpts:

"We just can't get enough of chunky, dumb chicks in our everyday life - we now need to watch one, and an Academy-Award-winning-one no less, make a complete ass of herself on the largeness of a movie screen."

Chunky, dumb chicks? What?! Like skinny chicks are so super smart? Weight has nothing to do with intellect. And I'm sure you know that, but there's nothing like using the word chunky as an insult! Well, there is: using the word skinny as an insult, as in "skinny bitch." But, I digress. I guess if you're dumb AND chunky you should feel bad for being alive. Of course, if you are dumb and chunky you're not smart enough to feel bad and you're probably so busy trying to get your pants to zip up that you don't have time to think about that anyway!

p.s. - I'm a chunky, SMART chick. And I hate doing the "I hate skinny girls" thing because I don't. But when you started with chunky and dumb you got me all riled up!

Moving on... "She dates the lady killer Hugh Grant (David) even though she's a chunk. She dates Colin Firth, (Darcy), a human rights attorney even though she continually embarrasses him at dinner parties and has nothing intelligent to talk about.... It's not that she's chubby - we would understand the usually harsh dictates of TV if and only if Bridget were just so witty and funny that they'd allow a few pounds pass."

Allow a few pounds pass? First of all, I think you mean "past" or "to pass," and second of all: Woah! But I'm trying to make a point here, so...

"But Bridget frequently acts like a feeble minded child, even a lunatic at times and as we all know in real life, the only way a woman can get away with being stupid is by being hot."

Now what were you saying about chunky, dumb chicks in your everyday life?... Apparently they don't exist! Have you ever met a chunky, dumb chick? EVER? All the chunky girls I've ever met were so witty and spent so much of their time developing their intellect and personality as a way to compensate for their fat that they were not only far from dumb but FABULOUS! But it gets better, so...

"Which is why Anna Nicole Smith has her own show, even when fat--she's just too gorgeous AND she's nuts making her, oddly, more an inspiration to women than Bridget Jones."

Pause. Take it in. Okay.

Anna Nicole Smith is an inspiration to women. Wow. I get it now. Whew! All this time I was reading Bust and Ms. trying to figure out who to draw inspiration from and there she was right in front of me on the subway! The TRIMSPA girl! Duh! Guess that's what I get for being a Chunky Dummy! Have some more ice cream, Carolyn!

"Now I sound incredibly HARSH here and I'm beginning to feel badly because I like Renee Zellweger."

You do?... I ask that for many different reasons...

"And Renee in other films is the perfect, lovable underdog Bridget. In NURSE BETTY I understood why Morgan Freeman became obsessed with her particular brand of sweet lunacy. In WHITE OLEANDER, I could physically feel how vulnerable she was-my body would flinch whenever she neared, lamb to slaughter, the ice princess/murderess character of gorgeous Michelle Pfeiffer. I love her for taking on roles where her interesting, pretty face is even mocked, as in ME, MYSELF AND IRENE where Jim Carrey all but says she looks like a shar-pei or in COLD MOUNTAIN where she (albeit over the top) mis-played a role that might normally go to someone like Kathy Bates. Though she nabbed the golden boy for MOUNTAIN (I think the Academy felt guilty about CHICAGO), her role stood out because it was for the wrong movie - Renee would have killed had she moved that character to an ANNIE GET YOUR GUN soundstage."

Now here's where we start to agree! Yes, she did act as if she was in a different movie than everyone else in Cold Mountain, as did the rest of the cast, which I think was mostly due to bad writing and lack of direction... but Jude Law sure is cute! (Course he'd never even look at a chunk like me because like you said in "real life" Colin Firth would never look at a girl who looks like me - even though my husband kinda looks like Colin Firth - and he has a PhD - but whatever.)

I did like White Oleander, I have to say. Renee played an insecure actress. She was good. I wonder why?...

My friend Tasha says I don't like Renee because I'm like Renee. My friend Tasha loves Renee. I surely take it as a compliment to be compared to Renee Zellweger. I just need her to stop doing THE LIPS!, and I need her to stop doing this:

"Thankfully, Renee is back to her featherweight frame and now sports fetching dark hair. She's already gracing magazine covers and modeling clothes in layouts that scream "No, I am not fat person. I only played one in a movie!"

Exactly! Which is my whole point about why they should never have cast her to begin with since there are plenty of real life Chunkys out there just dying to play a fun, Dummy role! It's an insult to women that are a size 12 (Kate Winslet in Titanic, by the way... little movie they put out a couple years ago... I think it won something?...) that Renee feels she has to prove to the world that she's "not fat." Not to mention how much toll the weight gain/loss must be taking on her body, and how annoying it must be for really fat people to hear about how Renee Zellweger got fat.

"But...back to BRIDGET. I think the female chortling in the theater has less to do with sisterhood and more to do with cruelly relishing Renee's fatness. It's like a horror movie those chins!"

What?! That is just craziness. I know I, for one, cruelly relish Renee's skinniness. You could see all 98 of her vertebrae in Chicago! Honestly, I feel bad for the girl. Her body image must be so distorted now. And she's not the first. Look at Minnie Driver - she became famous in a movie where she played a "fat girl" and then she dropped so much weight the outline of her jaw was like steel and she looked like one of the cartoon girls in the Steve Madden ads! No body - just head!

The bottom line is (no buns intended), nobody would be making a big stink over this movie, not even me, if the leading actress in it hadn't gained weight to play the role. Bridget Jones the character is supposed to be a normal, average, everyday girl, which I think Renee Zellweger was when she started her acting career. (Jerry Maguire is still one of my faves. Maybe that really does make me a Chubby/Dummy, but "I am the ambassador of Kwan" is classic!) The girl who wrote this review is obsessed with Bridget Jones' weight - not Renee Zellweger's acting - which just goes to show what a hot button issue weight is in our culture.

I hate the burka (don't get me started on that now...) but a lot of Muslim women say they'd rather dress traditionally than be exposed and judged for their bodies. After reading this review, I sorta know how they feel.

Skinny people don't want to look at fat people and fat people don't want to look at skinny people. We are a culture of extremes. People have such a hard time staying "medium sized" because they either feel bad that they're not skinny and overeat out of depression or they get neurotic about the fact that they're not skinny and workout like crazy. I've done both. But I'm like Bridget. I just want to have some cigarettes (even though I haven't had one since FRIDAY!), drink a bottle (or two) of wine and eat a chocolate croissant without it being a big deal.

Shit. I guess I have to go see the movie now. Damn you, Jones!