Monday, November 01, 2004

An Analgesic Election Analogy

Today, on my way to drop off my timesheet, I walked by a McDonald's and thought to myself, "Mmm... Big Mac." Then I thought, "Carolyn, McDonald's is disgusting. It's not even real meat." So I went to Burger King. I got a Spicy Chicken Sandwich combo with crispy, crunchy fries and an ice cold Diet Coke. It was perfect. I have never had a better fast food experience in my life.

So then I realized, the people who will vote for George Bush tomorrow are like people who go to McDonald's. Even though they know it's bad for them and might make them wanna puke later, it reminds them of their childhood when everything was simpler and the world felt safe. They can handle fake meat as long as it comes with a cool plastic toy. And I understand... McDonald's is hard to resist, what with the bright, shiny colors and all that aggressive advertising. But when you start to feel sucked in to the McDream you have to say to yourself, "There is so much information out there about how bad this is for me. And just because they finally added salad to the menu and started making their nuggets with actual chicken doesn't mean that they're not the same old craphouse they always were." Just because "Super Size Me" was made by a liberal doesn't mean it isn't true.

Now, to be fair, Burger King is not all that different from McDonald's. I think everyone knows that. Even people who eat at Burger King are totally willing to admit that it's not that much better. (But they do have those cool paper hats. I'll take a crown over a GI Joe figure anyday.) I mean, it's not like Burger King serves tofu on china plates with cloth napkins. No. But Burger King has something McDonald's doesn't.

Onion Rings.

Onion Rings! Think of it! You go to Burger King - you get to choose: french fries, or ONION RINGS! Just typing it makes me feel free! At the BK, you can have it your way, my friends, and I don't see any reason why you would pass that up. You don't want cheese on your Whopper - fine! No problem! You want extra pickle on your Bacon Double Cheeseburger - go for it! We won't even charge you! Because we think you know what you want and you want what you deserve.

Let's face it - as far as fast food goes, that's just a little more "Euro" than McDonald's can handle. They think you don't know how to choose. They think you should be told how your food is gonna come. They're not about that kind of sophistication. That's why their spokesperson is a clown.

Look, all I'm tryin' to say is, if you like McDonald's, you'll like Burger King. I swear. It's the same basic stuff only better. And, um, smarter. More open-minded. Less willing to kill for non-renewable sources of energy. That sort of thing.

I hope you get this, Mom. Not to say that you're not sophisticated - I know you are. We've been to the BK together. I'm just sayin', I know how comfortable you are with McDonald's and how Dad likes their coffee and how Gabriela likes their breakfast. But seriously, why not have it your way and vote for JK?

But even if you do go back to McDonald's, it's fine, because in the end New York State is all about the King. It's times like this that make me wish I lived in PA, so my vote would actually make a difference...

"Oh, Aunt Kathy..."

Okay, Jackasses, (and Elephants, too...)

SEE YOU AT THE POLLS!